More jokes from America

Again, I know people will think that I'm taking a swipe at Americans - nothing could be further from the truth. The jokes I tend to post on my blog have all been sent to me by Americans - to whom I am indebted for their kindness, and more to the point, all the jokes!

Law Enforcement

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. Two hours later they come out with a badly-beaten bear who's yelling, "OK, OK! I'm a rabbit......"

 Here's another gem from America:-

A Letter from a hillbilly dad to his son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Mom read in the paper where most accidents happen closer than 20 miles to home, so we moved. I won't be able to give you the address 'cause the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day, I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. It only rained twice this week... Three days the first time and four days the second.

The coat you wanted me to send you... Your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home. It said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes. About your Mother... She has a lovely job. She has over 500 men under her - she is cutting grass at the cemetery.

About your sister... She had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so don't know if you are an aunt or and uncle.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out... He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Your uncle Bo fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off. Even got out twice to pee. He drowned. We cremated him ... He burned for three days.

Not much news this time ... Nothing much happened.

Write more often.

Love,

Dad.

But, with this joke, I'm taking a swipe at the way we're living our lives - and I admit - I'm guilty of at least 90% of this!

You know you're living in 2004 when...

1.You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. If you don't have your mobile on you, you have no idea what your huband's / wife's / girlfriend's / boyfriend's phone number is.

11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

12. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

13. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

AND..............

14. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

15. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself.

 One final thought...

Life explained...

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 Hopefully, this explains just a little bit about my sense of humour. Those who know me, will know that this is only just a small sample of the jokes that I have a tendency to send to people.. The rest tend to be stored in my head, and I rarely get the chance to post them, but I promise I'll do my best....

Time to call it quits - I'm supposed to be working!

Back later.

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?