Walking in the Shadows

Random musings from Warwickshire on life in general... Things that make me laugh, make me cry, things that wind me up beyond all endurance - and everything in between.

Showing posts with label Sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sleep. Show all posts

Breaking the chain? Not this time I'm afraid.

Well, any hopes I had of being able to sleep after posting my fears on my blog were dissolved like morning mist.

I got back into bed, and tried to get to sleep as I am still shattered after my scare in the early hours of this morning, and for whatever reason, I just couldn't close my eyes and sleep. So, I decided to change the music on my MP3 player. (No - it's not an i-Pod - I refuse point blank to have one on the grounds that most of my music is in .WMA format.)

Whilst I was doing the transfer, I was listening to some music on my PC, and I found this track by Snow Patrol. It made me think of my beloved, and the way that I feel about him...

Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
I said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Ah well, guess I should try and get my hair under some form of control, as I've got to go out and fuel the Peugot up... Oh, and get some cat food, otherwise Fred and Splodge will be gnawing the leather settee...

Back later.

Karen

I've been watching, I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time

Being scared by nightmares

What am I doing, sitting at my computer at 6am on a Sunday morning? Easy. Shaking like a leaf, because I've just had another nightmare. Yes, it's the second one in less than 12 hours, and it's had exactly the same effect on me as normal - left me scared and unable to sleep in case I have another one.

It's even gotten to the stage where I've actually admitted to my beloved just how bad things are. He sent me a message at about 00:45 this morning, saying that he was sorry it was so late, but he just wanted me to know that he loved me. I was freaked out enough to reply that I really needed a cuddle (without elaborating on the reason why).

I didn't need to. My beloved called me, and that was it - I lost it. I was talking to him with tears running down my cheeks, and he must have realised I was seriously rattled, because he asked me what was wrong and said that I sounded wrecked. I was, and I told him that I'd been woken by another nightmare.

You see, for the past two months I've been having nightmares, but all I can remember is feeling terrified before I wake up, and nothing more. If there was something that I could say was causing it, I would be an awful lot happier (OK - happier in the knowledge that there might be some way to change my routine before I go to sleep), but I can't think of anything that bothers me that much.

Sure, work does get to me at times - I wouldn't be human (or the sort of person that I am) if it didn't. But I don't think this is work induced, so here I am at 06:03 trying to work out what the hell is wrong.

I'm going to call this quits now, and I'm going to head back to bed and see if I can get some sleep - you never know, typing this entry might have been the thing that helps me break this cycle...


Back later.

Karen

I've been watching, I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time

Feeling blue, but I don’t know why…

Ever had one of those days when you feel like bursting into tears for no apparent reason? Well, I’m having one today. Why I’m feeling like this, God only knows, but I wish that there was something I could do to make myself feel better – even if it’s only to identify what has caused this.

The only thing that I think that might have caused me to feel like this is the fact that I got a very poor night’s sleep last night, and as I get older, that tends to knock eight shades of a rainbow out of me, and does have this tendency to make me feel low.

Ah well, guess I should throw myself into my work, and try and bury this feeling, and hope that I manage to smother it that way, otherwise, I am truly stuffed!

Back later if I get chance…

Karen

I've been watching, I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time

Tired little tigger…

Ever had one of those occasions where you just couldn’t settle down to sleep? Well I had one last night – simply because I was worried about a friend.

Because he’s off sick as a result of this accident, his company are making it plain that they think he’s pulling the wool over their eyes, even though he’s been signed off by the doctor, and has been told that they want to reclaim the money that they pay him whilst he’s off from any compensation that he may get.

Needless to say, he’s not very happy, and has admitted that he is going to start seriously looking for another job.

As for me, well I did my best to settle down and get some sleep, but it was a combination of factors that stopped me – the pain from my shoulder (which is still playing up), the pain from my ribs (which are still healing) and the worry about my friend.

I know what he’ll tell me – that he’s ok, and that I shouldn’t worry about him, but it’s easier said than done, as he’s off to the doctor’s today… How do I know this? Simple – he sent me a text message this morning:

…. I’m going to my docs again today, so I’ll let you know when I get back and what I’m doing…

I just hope that he does manage to get something sorted out, as the poor guy can’t keep on like this, and more to the point, he needs to be able to sort things out with regards to his job – because all it’s doing at the moment is flattening him, and making him unhappy – not to mention ill.

If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time

But, at the end of the day, all I can do is act as a shoulder for him to lean on, and give him a friendly ear that he can bend when he needs it…

Guess I should call this quits – I’m supposed to be working, not blogging.

Back later, if I get the chance.

Karen.

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

I've become so numb...

I guess that it's just a legacy of my insomnia. My eyes are the sort of thing that you would see on the "before" advert for eye drops - the ones that are supposed to make bloodshot eyes sparkle.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be....

Today has been one of those days that would, under normal circumstances, make me curse anyway, but add into the mixture that I'm knackered, and that's the killer blow to me.

I was snowed under with my OTR work, and then on top of that, I had to deal with multiple scarcastic idiots, who thought that as they were dealing with a female, that they could have some fun at my expense.

Not really a wise move, especially as it turned out that the idiot concerned didn't know what the hell he was talking about... I mean, he asked for some tyres for an earthmover. Ok - not a problem with the size - it's one that I'm comfortable talking about (18.00 R33), but when I asked what the machine was, he said it was a.... wait for it...........
Ferrari


Now that struck me as someone who was either trying to set me up or he didn't know what the ***k he was talking about. He didn't like it when I pointed out that Ferrari had never made any earthmoving machines (earth shaking - yes) and that Enzo Ferrari would be spinning in his grave at that thought!

So, that got rid of one idiot, then I had to deal with idiots in the same company, and to be honest, I was getting to the stage where I was going to end up wringing someone's neck, or offering to make them a seven knot neck tie - and then show them how to wear it!

I guess that's just because I am so tired, and as a result, I'm getting incredibly intolerant, but until I get to the stage where I crash out asleep, there's very little I can do...

Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this all, I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you



Time to call this quits - my eyes are burning again, and I need to get some sleep tonight - if I can.

Back tomorrow if I'm with it enough, or more to the point, if I haven't flipped my lid at some moron on the 'phone!

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Eyes that burn...

One of the worst things about not being able to sleep at night, is the mere fact that my eyes get to the stage where they start to burn, meaning that I can't wear my contact lenses. Ok - I know that doesn't sound a big deal, but for someone like me, who rarely wears her glasses at work, it is.

You've got both ends burning
Like a moth to a flame
You're going off the rails
Like a runaway train
It's a no-win situation
And there's no way out
And no one will ever hear you - scream and shout

 I admit that I do suffer from insomnia, but I'm rapidly getting to the stage where the physical (not to mention the mental) exhaustion is reaching crisis point, and I'm going to end up going off the rails at someone who really doesn't deserve it.

I guess at the moment, the reason for me being an insomniac is that I can't get my mind to switch off - I'm still analysing what's been said - both from a work perspective, and a personal viewpoint..

Such a lonely road you ride
It's not easy when you don't know why
Such a heavy load you hide
You never leave no matter how you try

 So, the more tired I get, the worse things seem to get to me, to the stage where I'm almost frightened to open my mouth, in case I say something that really offends someone!

I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight...

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

 Add into this mess, the mere fact that I'm being interrogated about my not wanting to go to the conference this year, and it all adds up to stress, which I think is causing me to suffer from insomnia....

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight...

 Guess I should call this entry quits - I'm knackered, and Julian wants to use his computer...

Back tomorrow if I get the chance.


Karen


Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Too wired to sleep, but I’m exhausted…

I’ve got the worst of both worlds. I’m sitting here at my partner’s computer at 02:00 BST, as I’m too damned wired to sleep, after everything that has gone on this week, but equally, I'm mentally and phyically exhausted.

My partner has been a real angel, and has treated me like a princess. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t object to that – it’s nice to be spoilt occasionally, but I’m one of these peculiar people who prefers to fight her own battles, and it still rankles that I’ve let myself get so damned wound up over one account.

You think I need you but I don’t
You think I’ll break down but I won’t
And you’ve had everything you’re gonna get from me
Saw your pleasure in my pain
And you released me from my chains
And I woke up to my own insanity
Waiting for changes
That were never gonna come


So, starting from next week, I’m going to put all this crap behind me, and move on. Ok – I admit that it’s not going to be easy, as I’m going to attend my friend’s funeral next Friday. But, with the love and help from my partner and my friends, I should be able to survive, and start thriving again.

Now onto something that I found on BBC on-line – that made me smile…

A frog species which had a distinct Norfolk accent, but which became extinct in England in the 19901s is being reintroduced.

About 70 northern pool frogs – one of Europe’s rarest species – will be reintroduced to Norfolk by English Nature and partners on Friday.

The frog was thought to be a European import, but researchers have now found they are native to East Anglia.

Recordings of mating Norfolk frogs show they had a characteristic inflection.

Archaeological investigations revealed pool frog remains around old Saxon sites in Cambridgeshire and Lincolnshire.

But fenland drainage led to the frog’s extinction before its native status was recognised. The pool frogs released on Friday were captured in a wildlife rich region in Uppsala in Sweden earlier this week.

The frogs will be released at a secret location near Thetford in Norfolk, to guard against theft by amphibian collectors.

Habitats at the site, including special ponds called pingos, have been restored by the Forestry Commission over the last few years.

English Nature’s amphibian specialist, Jim Foster, said: “Piecing together what happened to pool frogs has proved to be a real detective story.

“The frog’s distinctive Norfolk accent, the buried remains and genetic studies all provided crucial clues.

“It has taken nearly 10 years of research, involving people across Europe, to get to the bottom of this mystery and today is the culmination of all that effort”


Part of me thinks that the people who did this research have way too much time on their hands, but who am I to comment?

Suppose I should log off and bog off – I’ve got to get some sleep in what remains of the night…

Back later.

Karen.

I walk where others fear to tread

Appearances can be deceiving…

I’ve only managed to get about 2 hrs sleep last night – for several reasons. The main one being the fact that I was on the ‘phone to my friend last night…

It turned out that he’d been having problems for a while, and they managed to get things sorted out for a couple of days, then things would start to slide back to where they were before they tried to sort thing out.

In the end, he said that it was a relief when she sent him a text message to say that she wanted to call it quits, and didn’t want him to contact her. I will admit, I was more than a little surprised that he was so rational, as I though that he’d been really keen on her…

He’s also made plans to go out on the pull on Saturday night, and has said that he plans on getting himself back into the field of play sooner rather than later.

So, we sat up talking until the extremely small hours – and finally called it quits at about 03:20…

Hmmm - my phone's ringing... Guess I should think about answering it...

Back when I get chance.

Karen.

I walk where others fear to tread.

Early starts…

I was up at 06:00 this morning, and got the moggies fed, and then had to throw Fred out of the bathroom, as the little sod was trying to get into the bath, so he could play in the shower!

Needless to say, I got the evil eye from him, but I was too tired to care. For some reason, I’ve not been sleeping very well. Yes, I’ve been sleeping through the night (I have this tendency to hit the pillow and sleep rather rapidly), but for some reason, I don’t feel refreshed afterwards. No doubt there’s some reason behind it, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s just a phase I’m going through.

I then had to battle my way through the traffic, and contend with the half-asleep idiots behind the wheel of their expensive executive cars, and try and get into work for 08:30… Which I somehow managed to do, and got a decent parking space into the bargain!

Hmm – need to get this work finished off.

Back later…

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath

Knackered… And I want some sleep!

My own fault really – I should know better than to have my mobile turned on at night. But, having said that, the person who called me was very apologetic when it was pointed out that I’d been woken up.

Despite that, I ended up spending three hours on the phone talking, as we’d not spoken for a couple of weeks, simply because the pair of us had been busy with various bit and pieces – me getting ready for my escape to Jersey, and the other party (who shall remain nameless & generally unidentified until I get told otherwise!) sorting out bits that needed sorting out.

But, I don’t feel too bad – even if I did eventually settle down, and get back to sleep at 04:00… Only to have my two furry alarm clocks wake me up at 06:30!

Selfish blasted pair – they don’t have to get up and work – they can just suit themselves – mind you that is what you get for living with two cats!

Time to call it quits – got work to do.

Back later [possibly]

Karen

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Let sleeping tigers lie…

A quiet evening last night... I tried to watch a bit of telly, but did my normal trick, and fell asleep! Thankfully, I’d remembered to set my alarm clock, so there was no danger of me oversleeping this morning. Mind you, with the appetite on legs around [my cat, Ponto]; there is little chance of me staying asleep beyond 06:30! My other cat, Fred, is a totally different character. He’s a hippie in catskin – all peace, love & catnip, compared to Ponto, who eats anything that walks, crawls, flies or slithers.

Having said that though, I wouldn’t swap either cat for anything. They’re so undemanding (yeah – right. Believe that and you’ll believe anything!). Despite that, they’re great fun, and cause no end of mayhem when they want. Fred’s the worst offender – I can’t run a bath without checking to make sure that he hasn’t slunk into the bathroom, and jumped into the bath!

The first time I realised that the hairball liked water, was just after I’d got him from the rescue centre… I felt something furry ‘round my ankles whilst I was in the shower, and reached down to check what it was…. Only to have the furry thing go meow, and purr at me!

So, I decided to put the cat off having a shower, and grabbed a cat shampoo that I’d got for Ponto (when I could catch him!)... Fred seemed to love every second he was being washed, and the second I stopped, looked disgusted at me and seemed to demand conditioner on his fur! So that ruined THAT idea.

Ponto, on the other hand runs a mile the minute the word ‘bath’ is mentioned, and the few occasions that I’ve been unlucky enough to have to try and wash him, he’s come down the walls like Tom in the classic Tom & Jerry cartoons.

Hmm – looks like I’m about to be given some work to do...

Back later.

Karen.

Do spiders scream when the see a big fat hairy human in the bath?