Walking in the Shadows

Random musings from Warwickshire on life in general... Things that make me laugh, make me cry, things that wind me up beyond all endurance - and everything in between.

Showing posts with label Alternative view. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Alternative view. Show all posts

Only in Canada

There are some things that don't need explaining - and this is one of them.

Enjoy.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


**********************************************************************

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells… chaos all the way

I make no apologies for this entry – it was in today’s Daily Mail, and I have to admit it did make me giggle. All credit to Richard Littlejohn – mine is but to post.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


*****************
There’s nothing like a good old singsong to raise the spirits up difficult times such as these. With that in mind, I thought I should update same classic holiday hits to reflect the widespread travel disruption which has caused so much mayhem over the past few days. I had hoped to include Chris Rea’s Driving home for Christmas, but due to adverse weather conditions at Scotch Corner on the A1 it has been delayed indefinitely. If you’re stuck on a train, or marooned at the airport, feel free to sing along.

Walking in a winter wonderland

The phones ring
No one’s listening
All the staff
Have gone missing
Check the website
You won’t get a flight
Stranded in the Heathrow hinterland.

Locked away
Are the gritters
Read about it
On Twitter
It’s nobody’s fault
We ran out of salt
Stranded in a Winter Blunderland.

Snowfall came
Without warning
You could blame
Global warming
But nobody cares
About the polar bears
When they’re stranded in a Winter Blunderland.


Jingle Bells

Stuck here in the snow
On the Hendon way
Nowhere else to go
It’s been like this all day.
Drivers sound their horns
Lorries flash their lights
It’s all a waste of time
We won’t get home tonight.

Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Chaos all the way
What a drag it is to sit
In the Hendon way,
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
No one gives a toss
According to the radio,
They’ve just closed Brent cross.


Santa Claus is Coming to Town

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus’s sled has broken down

He planned to come by reindeer
But Rudolph had a crash
Now his sleigh’s been grounded
By a cloud of volcanic ash.

So he plotted his route
He checked it twice
But he didn’t spot
That sheet of black ice.

Santa Claus’s sled has broken down
Santa Claus’s sled has broken down
Santa Claus’s sled has broken down


I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday

When the snowman brings the snow
How is he supposed to know
That the whole country will descend into disarray?
If you jump in your car
And try to get away
You’ll only spend your Christmas morning
In the slow lane of the M1 motorway

Well thank God it isn’t Christmas every day,
When the trains stop running
And the buses melt away
Well thank God it isn’t Christmas every day,
Just get the snow ploughs out for Christmas.


Let It Snow

Oh the weather outside is frightful,
But you don’t need to be that insightful,
In Winter, a halfwit should know
It’ll snow, it’ll snow.

The moment the clouds start spitting
It’s time to start gritting
Not behave like a headless chicken
It’s only snow, only snow, only snow


Do They Know It’s Christmas?

It’s Christmas time,
There’s no chance to get away
At Christmas time
You can always rely on BAA
In our world of chaos
Where nothing ever works
Throw another log on the fire and stay indoors

But say a prayer
For the unlucky ones
At Christmas time, they’ll be stuck for days at Terminal One,
There’s a world inside the airport
That’s just like a transit camp,
And the traffic isn’t flowing
Because they’ve closed the exit ramp
And the only food on offer
Is cold and three days old
Well tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you.

And it always snows in Ing-er-land at Christmas time
But every year the story is the same
The moment that it snows
They shut down all the roads
Do they care it’s Christmas time at all?

Freeze the world…


I’m Dreaming of A White Christmas

I’m dreading another White Christmas
Just like we’ve had the past three years,
When the snow is falling
The response is appalling
And your bets laid plans will end in tears.

I’m dreading another White Christmas,
Next year I’m going to Sandy Lane,
That’s weather permitting,
If they remember the gritting,
At Gatwick and de-ice the plane.

King Arthur and the Witch

Something else that made me smile this morning, and all I will say is read this all the way through.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


***********************************************

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?















Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?



The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

The Husband Store

It's amazing what I get sent, and I just couldn't resist posing this, as it really made me giggle this morning.

Enjoy.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


***********************************************

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


(Scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Canadian Billboards are Great

These got sent to me by a colleague, and they’ve really brightened up a gloomy afternoon. Enjoy.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


***************************************************************************

Canadian Billboards are Great!


Now I know why I like our neighbors to the North. Nothing they do is politically correct.










GED Test

Some times, you just have to post things – and this is one of them. All I will say is enjoy.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


**********************************************************************

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs                    

(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery                         

(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.

(WTF?!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

(Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

(OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

(Brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

The Older Crowd.

Just a little something that made me smile…

Enjoy.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


****************************************************************************

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true,' she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so" the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

****************************************************************************

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me!

I want people to know 'why' I look this way.

I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

****************************************************************************

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old , tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a mini skirt. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

****************************************************************************

Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder, and Your hand over my mouth!

Jokes to brighten a gloomy day

It's not been a nice day today - in fact, it's been bloody cold. But these jokes have really made me giggle.

So all I will say is enjoy (and I take no responsibility for them - other than posting!)

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


**************************************************************************

As I've matured:

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned that if its not broke, don't try and fix it.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

I've learned that if its not broke, don't try and fix it.

And:

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole?

It is called the anal optic nerve.

It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

From the cockpit on Kulula.Com - South Africa's Budget Airline

I make no apology for posting this – it’s really made me grin.

Enjoy.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


----o0o----

What a pity Kulula doesn’t fly internationally – we should support them if only for their humour – so typically South African.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg.

Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

----o0o----

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

----o0o----

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o----

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings... If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

----o0o----

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

----o0o----

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

----o0o----

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

----o0o----

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: “Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

----o0o----

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

----o0o----

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o----

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

----o0o----

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

----o0o----

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

----o0o----

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what you are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

----o0o----

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

----o0o----

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

----o0o----

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

----o0o----

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

----o0o----

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

----o0o----

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

----o0o----

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

Deep thoughts...

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like Night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

What you never hear...

Ok - I know some people will doubt that these are genuine transcripts, but my sources have yet to fail me...

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

*************************************************


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


*************************************************


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


*************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


*************************************************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


*************************************************


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

*************************************************


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus s had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights, and return to the airport."


*************************************************

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked.”

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.


 
Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach"


*************************************************


Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?”



"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant.

"It took us a while to find a new pilot."

*************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war"


*************************************************


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7!”

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635 cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


*************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.

The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,



"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:


"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


*************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.


Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):”Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark - and I didn't land."


*************************************************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move 'till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"


”Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.Just then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Starting the week off with a smile...

I make no apologies for this joke - it made me smile.

Enjoy.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings


*************************************************

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a
very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a bloody wall."

Start the day with a smile.... And get it over with!

This was something that did make me smile, and I just couldn't resist posting it....

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS!!!"

Guess I should think about doing some work, but I've got a severe case of TNFI...

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Next time you think you are having a bad day in the office ...

I'm sorry - this was too good not to post!

*************************************************

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers. He performs underwater repairs on off-shore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,


Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I must first bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my BR chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.


Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Something to brighten a dreary day…

I’m bored. However, I’m lucky enough to have people out in the big bad world who’ll send me such gems as this:

WHY I AM TIRED
For a couple years, I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood circulation, or anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Based on our own Government statistics here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.
Guess I should get on with some w*rk, but I’m suffering from a severe lack of interest…

Back later if I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Feeling brighter, but I'm still not a happy tiger.

Well, I've spoken to my best mate (who was busy getting lost on an industrial estate in Wembley), and he's done his usual trick of cheering me up.

He was supposed to be going to see a customer, and all he had was an address - no telephone number, and there was no-one around that he could ask!

We chatted about things that mattered to the pair of us, and he was threatening to tan my hide for me, as I was being cheeky to him as normal. I sniggered, and said that he shouldn't make promises that he had not intention of keeping... I was then told that he had every intention of keeping that promise, and that he would get me - eventually.

Aside from that, I got sent several cracking jokes...

You have all the money your heart desires
You have no worries...
You come home and the finest meal is awaiting you...
Your bathwater has been run...
You have the perfect kids...
Your partner is awaiting you with open arms and kisses...
So where would you be...?

IN THE WRONG HOUSE.

The next joke was this one:

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "how can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

But this was the e-mail that REALLY cheered me up:

You think you're having a bad day? Check it out these actual cases.

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were tending her husband, the wife managed to righ tthe motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending tohis business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.

The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

***********************************************

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...


The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

*********************************************

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

***************************************************

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly the two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

*********************************************

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?


Guess I should call this quits, as I'm supposed to be doing some work....

Back when I get chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Cor blimey!

Mine is but to post such gems - and this came from my daft hog riding friend!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps to squirt blood 30 feet out of the body. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.********** Man 'O' Man!!!
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.(I still want to be a pig in my next life... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference? )

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

Starfish have no brains.(I know some people like that.)

Polar bears are left-handed.(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(What about that pig??)


Suppose I should think about doing some w*rk...

Back later, if I get chance.

Karen.

I walk where others fear to tread

Now this would be interesting......

READ TEXT FIRST THEN LOOK AT IMAGE.

Tired of getting stuck in slow moving traffic?

Want to have your own lane on the M1/M25/M5/M62?

Simple, tie these balloons to your car.

Belt it down the A1 (or any other road you wish to drive fast) and watch other car drivers freak out and simply get out of your way!

When you get stopped by the police, tell them you thought they were real.





Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread

Just something to make the day go by...

I make no apologies for this, especially given my personal feelings on the US president…

Wouldn’t it be great to turn on the TV and hear President Bush give the following speech?

My Fellow Americans:

As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.

It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries that have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too. By the way Palestinians, we are no longer going to restrain Israel!

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

A special note to our neighbours. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple of extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are sick and tired of the one-way highway. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin'."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Go to Hell.

God Bless America.

Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I know that there will be people who will be screaming blue murder, because I'm taking the mickey out of the US president, but I make no apologies for this. If I could find something that poked fun at the British political system, I would get it posted onto my blog. And no, this isn't something that a Brit sent to me - this came in from the States. And all that remains for me to say is....

Many thanks for the jokes big guy...

Suppose I'd better look like I'm doing some work...

Back later, if I get the chance.

Karen.

Don't let the b'stards get you down.

Getting feedback is always nice..

I guess that I'd better respond to a couple of queries that I've received from posters about my blog...

In answer to Brian's comment, am I just sarcastic or is it just an English thing? Well, it depends on who / what I'm aiming at. And it's not because I'm English - I'm half Canadian from Dad's side of the family.

But most of the time, no, I'm not sarcastic - just rather fed up with the stupidity of people who don't seem to have anything better to do apart from complain.

Now onto the latest post / details... It feels like WWIII has broken out in the office. Two of the girls are involved in some silly little dispute that appears to have escalated into out and out war, and this dispute is now in danger of pulling me into the fray.

The worst part (for me, anyway) is the fact that both of them are using me as a shoulder to cry on, and as regular readers of this blog will know, I've got more than enough to keep me on my toes without this being added to my woes.

The mere fact that the probate court is querying the fact that Dad's will hadn't been updated for about 17 years. To be honest, neither he nor Mum thought that there was any need to update their wills as nothing had changed. So, I've got that hanging over me, as well as doing this dratted presentation at the conference.

Despite that, I'm keeping pretty much to my own council at the moment, as I'm currently the main contact for earthmover / industrial tyres in the office, as one of my colleagues is having a couple of days off.

As result, I've been kept pretty busy and have been on the 'phone most of the day. Mind you, I don't mind as the guys I talk to always end up veering off the subject and we end up talking about everything apart from work!

But, having said that, there are times when I wish I wasn't in the office and I'm starting to feel that today is one of them. Simply because I know that sooner or later, a complaint will be made to our departmental line manager, and I'll be hauled in to explain what's been going on.

The worst part is, I don't really want to drop either one in the proverbial, so I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I know that I should be ready, willing and able to explain what I've seen and heard (not to mention said myself), but I feel that I'll be betraying the confidence of both girls.

Still, I guess that life could be a heck of a lot worse, and I've decided to adopt a new motto:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ~ "WOO HOO what a ride!""

Back when I get fed up.

Karen.

Don't let the b'stards get you down.