Walking in the Shadows

Random musings from Warwickshire on life in general... Things that make me laugh, make me cry, things that wind me up beyond all endurance - and everything in between.

Showing posts with label Heartbreak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Heartbreak. Show all posts

Lightening DOES strike twice.

As I type this, I’m heartbroken and soul shocked. Why? My beloved horse, Heart of Flame has died. We think that it was a heart attack, but until the post-mortem, the results will not be confirmed.

I got this news at 04:00 this morning, and am still numb to the extent that I doubt anything will touch me for a while. My beloved has been a real tower of strength and has said that he will see me on Saturday night, as he is really worried about me.

Needless to say, I can type no more, and will be back when I am in a better frame of mind.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

When I've sat by the window, and gazed at the rain...

I’m a little calmer today, but not that much. Mum and I went shopping today, to get the last minute bits and pieces that we need four our holiday to Madeira (we fly out from Birmingham airport at 08:00 on Monday morning).

I will admit to being reluctant to go out, as all I wanted to do was curl up in bed, and cry my heart out; because it was the first night I’d spent without Ponto snoring contentedly in my room.

Ok – I know I’ve had weekends away, but since I found out just how ill he was, I stayed at home as much as my job would allow and spend the nights with him snuggled up next to me in my bed.

But, over the past week or so, he seemed to be struggling to breathe, so I got an old pillow, folded it up, and made sure that he had his head resting on it, so that he could breathe.

Even now, as I sit typing my blog up, I miss the furry little fiend, as he used to lie on top of my computer (or printer – depending on how annoying he wanted to be) and snore – just enough to drown out whatever music I was foolish enough to try and listen to on my computer.

I know there will be people calling me a bloody fool because I’m so cut up about Ponto. Yes, he was just a cat, but he was with me for a good part of my life – 13 years – and took great delight in disapproving of practically all the people I decided to see. (I almost wish that I’d listened to him at times – I might have saved myself an awful lot of heartache!)

So, I guess this is my requiem for a cat:

Farewell my furry fiend
May there be things for you to terrorise and chase
And a welcoming pair of arms to cuddle you when you want them

May there be a warm bed waiting for you
And a plate of something nice to eat
Complete with a pint of Channel Islands milk to wash it all down with


Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Goodbye my pussy cat

I can hardly see through my tears as I type this. Ponto has been put to sleep, and died quietly in my arms this evening.

I’m sorry – I can’t type anymore.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

When a lonely heart breaks...

I sent a message to my best friend last night, and the reply I got really upset me, as I knew that there was not a damned thing I could do:

No, not at all - I can't stop crying just sitting in my car listening to my CD. Some songs **** me over tonight more than normal, due to a certain person. I'm hurting and hurting bad and it's all down to one person again. Am I such a bad person? I don't need this **** and I'm so lonely, I just want to be on my own and cry my heart out.
Sorry.


What the hell can you say to a text like that?? I sent a reply saying that I would be at the end of the 'phone if he needed to talk, and left it at that.

When the lonely heart breaks
It's the one that forsakes
It's the dream that we stole
And I'm missing you more
And the fire that will roar
There's a hole in my soul
For you it's goodbye
And for me it's to cry
For whom the bell tolls


 
Well, he did take me up on the offer, and elaborated a bit more on the text message that he'd sent to me. It turned out that he was fed up with this one person taking him for granted all the time and that there were other things that were bothering him.

We ended the call as the pair of us needed to get some sleep, but he said that he would call me later today, and let me know that he was ok...

I will admit, hearing him so down really hurt me, and not for the first time, I wished that I was closed to him (in terms of a physical distance) so I could just say "sod it" and go and see him for a while - if only to make him realise that he's not on his own, and that there is someone out here who gives a damn about him.

Time to call this quits - I'm supposed to be working, not blogging.

Back when I get clear of all the crap (I mean work) on my desk....

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Shattered dreams, and a shattered heart?

On the work front, it's been a good day for me. On the personal front - it's been a disaster - and not for me, but for someone whom I care about a great deal.

I realised that something was wrong, when my friend sent me an e-mail, telling me that he wouldn't be answering his 'phone to anyone, and that he wouldn't be sending any e-mails either..

Normally, if I get an e-mail like that, my immediate thought is "what the hell have I done to upset him this time", but he seemed to realise that would be my first thought when I read the message.

He was at pains to point out that it was nothing that I'd done, but he just needed time to get his emotions together, and would be in contact with me soon.

Ok - not a lot I could say about that, but I don't mind admitting that my mind was on anything but my work, and was only too keen to make a run for it at 17:00...

As Mum was working the late shift, it meant that I had the house to myself, and was able to sort out bits and pieces, whilst having a part of my mind on whether my friend was ok...

I got my answer soon enough. My mobile chimed, and I had a text message from my friend, asking me if I could call him...

I did, and it was like someone had blown a hole in the Hoover dam. He was distraught, and in tears, and I will admit to feeling helpless, as there is only so much that you can do when you're at the end of the 'phone, and there's a fair distance between you.

And now you've given me, given me,
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams,
Feel like I could run away, run away,
From this empty heart

At the end of the day, all anyone can do is act as a shoulder for someone to cry on, and when they're in that sort of emotional state, try to keep their head above the emotional tsunami the best that you can.

Time to call this quits - I've got things to do, and the reception on my mobile stinks, so I need to be somewhere where I can get a call on my 'phone.

Back when I get chance.

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings