Within the sound of silence

Is how I am feeling at the moment. My partner is stressed out of his head due to the situation that he has found himself in, and has retreated into his shell, leaving me very hurt, confused and more than a little upset.

I understand the reasons for him going quiet – he maintains that it’s better to keep quiet than say something that he may come to regret later.  But this doesn’t make me feel any better, as I am feeling incredibly vulnerable at the moment.

Simply because I feel powerless to help him, and seeing (and hearing) him so down really hurts me, and I know that there is nothing I can do to help him, other than provide a shoulder for him to lean on and a refuge for when things get rough.

So, until he manages to get things straight in his own head, all I can do is keep on providing the love and support that he needs, and pray that things get better for him (and us) soon.

Guess I should call this quits – I do need to try and get some sleep tonight, as I am at work tomorrow, not that my heart is in it…..

Karen

I tell myself
Hey only fools rush in and only time will tell
If we stand the test of time
All I know
You've got to run to win and 
I'll be damned if
I'll get hung up on the line

A new beginning....

I've been really lucky and been seeing a really sweet guy, and things are going OK.  Not perfect (what relationship is?) but we seem to be getting along OK.

He's been through hell with an ex partner (he was asked to help her get clean - drink related I hasten to add) by her daughter, and he agreed – and this is the tale so far…. 

We were planning on meeting up at the beginning of June, and I got a text from him about two weeks before we were due to meet up, saying that he would have to cancel, as he didn't think things were stable enough with this woman for him to leave her to her own devices.  

OK - I  admit that I was less than impressed, but didn't think too much of it, as I knew he was trying to help her through rehab and make sure that she stayed on the wagon.

That seemed to be going OK; as she was 60 days without a drink he thought that there was light at the end of the tunnel. There was - some b'stard with a flame thrower.  

He got a call from her whilst he was at work, and shot out of his office as he thought her life was in danger (she'd tried to commit suicide several times before).  I didn’t hear from him for a while and thought “Rats to you.  I’m obviously not good enough for you to talk to”.

I then get a text from him a couple of days later, and wasn’t too impressed – I thought it was a bit rich considering he’d not contacted me for a while.  

Then he told me the reason – he’d been arrested and charged with criminal damage for trying to get into the house to make sure that she was OK and hadn’t tried to take an overdose, and as a result of trying to help her, he spent 2 ½ days in there with no way to contact anyone

Needless to say I was stunned with that, and we got talking again and we agreed to reinstate the plans to meet up the beginning of June.  We kept in touch via text and phone (lost count of the time that we spent talking) and he finally plucked the courage to ask me out, so that meant that when we met up it would be a first date. 

I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone – and I was more than happy to be with him, as he was so sweet to be with – showing real concern when my knee cracked and caused me to squeak (and occasionally curse) and making me feel like a princess, as well as making me giggle and feel incredibly relaxed.

He was honest with me about the circumstances he found himself in (his ex had taken him to the cleaners) and that he was facing this charge despite the fact that he thought her life had been in danger.  He kept saying that he shouldn’t have gotten involved and seemed to take small comfort when I pointed out that hindsight was 20/20 vision. 

He admitted that he was worried about this court case, as his ex had made a statement alleging some rather nasty treatment of her and her youngest son, and was worried that I would walk out on him as he felt that her job would go against him in court, and that he wouldn’t be believed when he tried to tell the court what actually happened.

I will admit I did have doubts (not helped by someone who claimed to be a friend (or in this case fiend)) and when I went away on holiday, I will admit to spending quite a bit of time on my knees in prayer in the cathedral asking for help for the man that I love.

When I got back, I will admit it was a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I was only too glad to see him again.  Yes, we still had the court case hanging over our relationship, but there was no way that I was going to walk away from someone who was making me so happy.

The day of the court case came, and I had made arrangements to meet up with my partner, as he didn’t want to be in the area after the case, and said that if I’d not heard from him by 17:00, then it had gone badly wrong.

I left the office at 16:00, and driving to where we were staying overnight, I ended up having to turn off the touchscreen, as I kept looking at the clock and was getting more and more worried the closer the time got to 17:00 – with no contact.

Murphy’s Law states that if it can go wrong, it does, and in this case, it was my mobile network that gave me the problems.  Because I was travelling the back route to our overnight location, my phone signal was somewhat intermittent, meaning that my dratted phone rang once and then cut out.

I managed to stop and see who had called me – it was my partner.  So, as I have Bluetooth on the car, I tried to call him back – and the damn network either wouldn’t connect, or would drop the call - before I manage to speak to him.  When I did manage to get the call to connect, his line was engaged, and his voice mail didn’t kick in, meaning that I was left fearing the worst.

I got a text just after I arrived at our accommodation asking me to call him.  I will admit that I feared the worst and called him back.  Only to nearly drop my phone when I heard him say that he was not guilty – it was the verdict that everyone had been telling him to expect, but the statement that his ex and her son had made could have made life so difficult for him.

I will admit that I was shaking by the time I got to the room, and was only too happy when my partner finally arrived. We decamped to the pub, and he told me what happened in court.  I won’t elaborate on what happened, but all I will say is that the solicitor was worth his weight in platinum (or printer ink – that’s far more expensive!)

I won’t say that it was the most restful night’s sleep I’ve had – (and no – it wasn’t for those reasons) but more because it was damned hot and my partner was somewhat wound up from the court case (with good reason!)

So, we muddled along and we had a weekend away booked for Worcester (Henwick House). It was really good – the scenery was delightful, and the memory that sticks with me from that was watching a pair of green woodpeckers on the grass about 20 feet away from our bedroom window and also watching the rabbits frolic on the grass at the top end of the garden.

The local pub - The Blue Bell  was really good.  The beer was a good price, and the food?  Well put it like this.  There were no complaints from either my partner (who is a foodie by his own admission) or myself.

On the Friday night, we opted to have the pie of the day – which was Steak and Ale.  I opted for mash and mushy peas, where as my partner opted for mash and ordinary peas (he’s not a mushy pea fan apparently!)

Put it this way.  The pie was more filling than pastry (a really nice surprise) and very tasty. 

Image from the Blue Bell website

We headed into Worcester on Saturday.  Neither of us realised that there was a food festival on, and we decided a look around once we’d been to the Royal Worcester porcelain museum and the Cathedral.

I won’t say that it was massive – busy, yes.  And expensive.  I seem to recall one stand charging something like £9 for a burger, where other stands were charging £3.  I still smile when I think of the comment of one local woman “what makes them think that people are going to pay that for a burger?  What’s it got in it?  Gold flakes?”  But there were plenty of people buying the burgers!

The only downside to Worcester as a destination is the parking.  It’s expensive.  And for some reason (known only to the county council) they have stopped the park and ride.  

Meaning that you have to struggle to get parked in one of the multi-storey car parks, and pay a stupid amount for the privilege of being crammed into a tiny parking space and stuck in traffic. 

Now I don’t have anything against public transport, but coming in from a rural location (Callow End), the public transport leaves a lot to be desired.  So the only option for visitors like us was to drive into the centre. 

Aside from that grump, my other grump is about Great Malvern.  Now you say Malvern to most people, and they instantly think Morgan cars (OK – I do), little tourist places and lots of little antique shops to peruse.

Now I won’t say that the scenery isn’t spectacular – it is.  What was disappointing was the lack of places to visit on a Sunday.  Now had I been there in the depths of winter (end January) I would have expected it to be all closed up.  But the end of July?  Something (or someone) is seriously missing a trick.

There were plenty of people walking about, and vey few things for them to do.  OK – we visited the Malvern museum, which is located in the abbey gate house:

We also visited the beautiful Malvern Priory:

Put it this way - if this is a Priory, then some cathedrals need to start worrying.

Ah well, guess I should call it quits, I do need to get some sleep...

Karen

Hold on, there's a new way a-coming
Looks like it's arriving tonight
There's no more hiding or running
There's no more walking on ice

Breaking up hurts - literally.

An odd title, I will admit, but it’s an apt description of the way that I am feeling (or not feeling) at this moment in time.

I’ve split with my partner, and it came about in probably one of the worst locations possible – as in 200+ miles from home and no way of getting back home other than travelling with my ex.

It happened Sunday night, and I admit that I should have seen this coming.  We’d been arguing on and off for about 3 months and I thought that I could get past this “little” hurdle and move our relationship on. That was a vain hope on my part.

The bank holiday weekend didn’t get off to a good start when I ended up working on the Friday morning (not my idea I hasten to add – I was asked to by my boss) and like an idiot, I agreed. So that started things off on a sour note for us.  I was slightly late leaving the office as I was trying to finish my work off (usual month end stuff) and my soon to be ex partner kept texting me to ask if I had left yet.

When I finally finished, I got to the car and called him as I was leaving the car park (I’ve got hands free Bluetooth on the car) and told him that I would be with him soon.  Thankfully, I’d already packed my bag and it was just a case of parking my car and getting on the road north.

We agreed to eat lunch en-route, as it was also a chance for us to talk on “neutral” territory and try to sort out the issued that were niggling the pair of us.  Should have guessed that wasn’t going to be something that would work – especially not the way I was feeling.

Needless to say it wasn’t a particularly pleasant journey for me, and I admit I was only too happy to get to the hotel so that I could get a little peace and quiet.  Nope – not happening.  He seemed determined to micro analyse our relationship.

Now I’m all in favour of an open and honest discussion on things – but as far as I was concerned, this was certainly not the right time or place to do such a thing.  Mainly because I was tired (I’d been stressed at work) and I was unable to walk away and cool my temper off as we were in a strange (OK strange to me) location.

So that started another row, and I admit that I was sorely tempted to sleep on the sofa in the room.  In hindsight, I wish I had.

Saturday came, and it started really well – and we met up with the family – the primary reason for going away.  They were really nice and friendly and made me feel really welcome.  But I have to admit that there was tension in the air – mainly between my ex and myself.  I felt that I was having to be something I am not – ladylike.

Now getting me to wear a dress (willingly) doesn’t happen very often.  In fact, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I have done so.  And Saturday night was one of them.  Why I couldn’t wear trousers and a pretty top, I don’t know, but my ex was adamant that I was to wear a dress. 

God alone knows why – his sisters in law wore trousers, and only his mum wore a dress.  So that made me feel really uncomfortable.  I won’t say that the family wasn’t nice – they really were super and seemed to go out of their way to make me feel a part of the family.

Even though there were comments about my ex having “a southern bird” for a partner.  Now there is nothing I dislike more than being called a “bird” – and picking on me because I was born in the south of England was an added insult.  

I’ve spent longer out of the south than I ever did living there, but to them, I was still a soft southerner. Or at least I was until I pointed out that anything south of Sunderland was southern to them.

Sunday was a bit of an odd day – I met up with an old friend from my uni days, and we sat talking about what had happened since then.  It was a good natter and lunch – and even my ex was quite animated, and sharing the jokes with us.  I didn’t think anything of the way my friend was with me - he was his usual self – if it was female and reasonably pretty, he flirted -the way he always did.

That was something that irritated my ex – he accused me of flirting with my friend.  Ignoring the fact that my friend’s wife was sitting beside him at lunch, and he'd also been sharing the jokes with us.

Sunday night was when things really became interesting.  My ex decided he wanted to talk, and that was fine with me...

Until it became a lecture on the things that he had found fault with over the weekend.  That was the final straw, and I exploded, resulting in something that I haven’t done for years. I lashed out physically, and if he hadn't moved, I would have hit him. 

I hit the wall, and then stomped out of the room - not stopping to grab watch, phone or anything other than the room key.

When I had finally cooled down, I walked back via reception, and had the humiliating experience of having to ask if they could get me some extra bed linen so that I could sleep on the sofa bed.

So Monday’s trip back home was hell on earth.  I had a text from a good friend asking if I was OK, and that was when the floodgates opened via text.  I admitted that I was heading for home, and that my relationship was over.

I got home in one piece physically (but in pieces emotionally), and spend time with my family, and when I went to bed, I just couldn’t get warm. 

The heating was on in the house, my room was lovely and warm, and I had an extra blanket on over my duvet, but I was cold.  I guess it was a kind of emotional shock, and all I can say is that I owe my friend a debt of gratitude that I doubt I will ever be able to repay.

Karen

To run away from you

Was all that I could do.

To run away from you

Was all that I could do.

Running scared...

It's well and truly hit the fan this time. What am I talking about? Only the fact that my other half wants me to go up to Yorkshire, and meet his parents.

Ok - under normal circustances, I could cope with that, but I'm somewhat more suspicious... Simply because over the past month or so, he's been on about me moving in with him, and putting our relationship on a more formal footing than it is at the moment.

The trouble is, I know damned well that I enjoy my freedom too much to consider moving in with him. It's not that I don't love him - I do - it's just that the current arrangement suits me fine, as I can do my own thing without having to justify what I'm up to, and where I'm going.

I know for a fact that he doesn't like me getting up at "the crack of sparrow fart" as he so eloquently refers to my alarm call at 04:30 in the summer, and 05:30 in winter, to go and tend to Flame and escape for an early morning ride.

Equally, I know that if I try to tell him that I'm happy with the way things are, he'll start to worry that I'm trying to wriggle out of the relationship, which I'm not.

But having said that, I've been through the hell of having a partner who wanted me to give up my horse, and once gave me an ultimatum - him or the horse. I chose the horse, and it was the best thing that I ever did, as I was able to walk away and find someone who means the world to me.

My trouble is, I need my freedom, and most fellas I've dated have had a hard job accepting that fact, and I've lost count of the number of rows that it's caused between myself the the guy I was seeing. In fact, I can only think of one fella who was comfortable with that idea - and we ended up as best mates!

Time to call this blog entry quits - I want to get some bits and pieces sorted out around the house, and get myself metally prepared for the inevitable fireworks when I tell my other half how I'm feeling....

Karen.


I walk where others fear to tread

The finger of blame has turned upon itself...

And for once, I'm not getting kicked. I know this sounds nasty, but it's someone else who's copping it - someone who really doesn't deserve to get the hassle and crap that he's getting at the moment.

What makes me say this? Simple. The poor guy was on the ‘phone to me last night, and could just about stop himself from bursting into tears on the ‘phone.

He’s really torn up over a relationship (I know that feeling all too well!), and isn’t sure what he wants to do. He said that sometimes he feels like walking away, as he doesn’t want the pain and heartache anymore, but then seems to flip to the other extreme, and is determined to stay and fight for the relationship.

At the end of the day, the only person who can make the decision to stay or leave is him. All I can do is offer a friendly (or not so friendly) ear to bend, and a shoulder that he can cry on, when things get too rough, as well as re-assuring him that he's not losing his mind...

The finger of blame has turned upon itself
And I'm more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help
Who knows where that might lead

Ah well, suppose I’d better think about doing some w*rk…

Back later, if I get the chance.

Karen.

I walk where others fear to tread

Its funny how life turns around....

I know that I've not posted for a while, but to be honest, my life has been a little too manic for me to even think about going near a computer after I finish work, and I don't seem to get the time to post whilst I'm at my desk.

So, I guess that now's as good a time as any to bring this blog up to-date. I've had the cortisone jab in my shoulder, and as I type this entry, I'm beginning to wonder if I've made the right decision.

Simply because the shoulder doesn't seem any easier, and just to add insult to the injury, my damned arm has swollen up, making it near impossible to wear my watch and my normal ring on my right hand.

But, I'm willing to give this shot chance to work, simply because I don't want to go and see a saw-bones, as I know that it will mean a substantial lay-off from the things that I enjoy doing - including the horse-riding!

Horse-riding.... That was the reason I used to sign off on my last blog entry. I will admit, it was break that I really needed, and in a way, all it did was re-affirm the bond that I have with my partner, who has been a tower of strength to me, whilst I try to get to grips with things.

But, I’ve always said that this time of year is not good for me at all, as it’s nearly a year since Dad died. And to make matters worse, my feelings for someone are getting stronger.

I know this sounds crazy, especially when I love my partner so much, but this other person makes me laugh, and seems to have the knack of bringing me out of whatever funk I’m in, by aiming some silly comment or joke in my direction.

In some ways, I get the feeling that it’s a case of familiarity breeds contempt – especially where my partner is concerned. We’ve been together since Christmas, and he’s been a real help, when I’ve hit a few rough patches. Now, I feel like I’m betraying him – emotionally, at least, by having feelings for this other person.

So, I guess that the only thing I can do, is carry on what I’ve been doing – and that’s hiding my emotions, never letting on how I feel about this person, and praying that no-one realises the conflict that’s raging inside me.

Time to call this entry quits - I'm supposed to be getting ready to go out to dinner with my partner.

Back tomorrow, if I get the chance.

Karen.

I walk where others fear to tread

Talk about an adrenaline bounce!

I completed the point-to-point with Flame, and the little beauty (ok - not so little - she's 17hh!) made it round the course - all 3 1/2 miles of it!

We did really well - out of a field of 30 competitors, we came 5th! Not bad going, when you consider that Flame's only a 5-year old - which means that she's still only a baby in horse terms!

The best bit was the fact that my other half was there to see me off, and from what my friend was saying, he could barely watch the race, as he was terrified I'd injure myself.

Ok - there's a good reason for him being worried, as the last time I rode the course, I ended up in hospital with concussion as my horse had accidentally kicked my head (which was protected by a very good riding hat - the only thing that prevented a more serious injury!)

But, once he realised that I was back safe and sound with Flame, he was the first one to cuddle me, and helped me cool Flame down after the race. Even Amber wanted to help out, and was as proud as anything, leading Flame around slowly, and looking for all the world like my minature groom!

The only thing that worried me was the fact that Amber didn't look too well, and I asked her mum if she was ok... It turns out that the poor little kid has to go into hospital next week for major heart surgery.

I knew that Amber hadn't been very well, and will admit to being a little miffed that her Mum hadn't told me how ill Amber was. But, given the fact that Carole (Amber's mum) pointed out that I'd got enough on my plate, I was willing to let things rest...

Suppose I should call this entry quits - I'm off out to celebrate!

Back tomorrow - hangover permitting!

Karen.

Don't let the b'stards get you down

Getting fed up

Ever had one of those days when all you want to do is tell the world to go screw itself? Well I'm having one. To be honest, I'm more than a little fed up, as people seem intent on screaming blue murder about things that I deal with to other people, but don't have the decency to speak to me.

I know I was warned about this happening, but it still irritates the hell out of me - in fact, this person would make the perfect laxative - because they irritate the sh*t out of me!

Aside from that, I've been told that I'm going to have to attend a meeting with this person - knowing full well that they've tried to stab me in the back, and will be all sweetness and light to my face. But, I can live with that, as I'm perfectly aware of this person's nature, and won't be dumb enough to get suckered in, and let something slip that I may regret later on.

On a different note, things are really looking up for me at this moment in time, on a personal front at least! My other half has said that he wants to go on holiday with me to the West Country in July!

I will admit, I was speechless, and when I finally regained the power of speech, I said that I would be delighted to go. He's said that he wants to take me to the Eden Project at St Austell - I didn't like to tell him that I've already been there with Mum and Dad a couple of years ago!

Hopefully, I'll be fit enough to climb the steps to the top of the tropical bio-dome this time, as when I was there a couple of years ago, I'd damaged my knee, and that meant that I wasn't fit enough to scarper up the top of the waterfall. Mind you, I wasn't even fit enough to walk 'round the bio-domes!

Suppose I ought to look like I'm working instead of blogging...

Back when I get chance.

Karen.

Don't let the b'stards get you down

Trying to make sense of the past.

I don’t know what’s up with me at the moment. I’ve been feeling rather flat, and I guess that I’m just mulling over the past 15 months or so.

What makes me say this? Simple. This time last year, I was engaged, and preparing to take my fiancé to Heathrow airport, so that he could fly out to Japan on a business trip, and was wondering how I would cope for four weeks without him, as I spent every weekend with him.

Now, I’m sitting at my computer at home, mulling over the events that seemed to turn my nice, simple life upside down. I got offered the job at my present company, and went permanent with them on 04/05/04.

Then on the evening of Friday 21/05/04, I went down to Heathrow to pick up my fiancé, and for some reason, instead of spending the weekend with him, I came back to Warwickshire.

And I’m glad I did; as that was the last full weekend that I was able spend with Dad, as he died on the Monday.

At the time, I was really grateful that my fiancé dropped everything to come up to Warwickshire, and was a real help to Mum and myself when we were trying to sort out the funeral arrangements. But even now, I don’t know what caused him to change.

After Dad’s funeral, he seemed to change, and wanted me to leave my job, and Warwickshire and move south with him, and work for the same company as him, as a PA.

His timing stank, and I made damned sure that he knew how I felt about that, but he seemed to drop the idea, for a while anyway. Then, he started trying the emotional blackmail, saying that I couldn’t care for him that much, if I was reluctant to leave my job and move in with him.

I guess that was the final straw, and it helped me to remove the rose-tinted glasses that I’d been wearing where he was concerned. It was bad enough that he wanted me to leave my job, but the fact that he wanted me to leave Mum as well was the killer blow to our relationship.

I know dammed well that he reads my blog, and if you’re reading this now – I am so much better off without you, it’s untrue.

You once gave me an ultimatum – "it's me or the horse". My answer still stands – it’s the horse every time, and this time, I’ve found someone who is willing to try and get involved with my hobbies – and doesn’t begrudge the time that I spend with other people.

Time to call this entry quits – I’ve got stuff to do before I go out this afternoon.

Back when I get chance.

Karen.

Don't let the b'stards get you down

Trying to prevent an accident...

I could have cheerfully strangled my other half this morning. He told me that he could ride, and I didn't have any reason to disbelieve him. Especially when he showed that he could get Flame walking in a circle, could get her to change direction, and stop.

I guess I should have smelt a rat when he asked how to get her moving after he'd brought her to a stop... I told him to squeeze her sides with his legs, or just gently touch her sides with his heels. He took the second option, and his touch was far from gentle.

The next thing I know, Flame has taken off like she's in the Derby, and he's hanging on for dear life! Thankfully, I'd been saddling up Tequila, and was able to go after Flame before anything happened - like she injured herself, or my other half fell / got thrown off.

When I managed to get Flame to stop, I was shaking - but not as much as my other half. I've never seem him look so scared, and it turned out the only thing he'd ridden was a donkey, when he was a kid!

Needless to say, I was less than impressed, and thankfully, I was able to lead Flame back to the stable, where my other half sheepishly dismounted, and helped me to remove the tack from both horses, and then get them cooled off, groomed and turned out.

I guess that I shouldn't be such a grouch - at least he's trying to join me in my hobbies - and because of that, if he wants, I've said that I'll ask a friend of mine to teach him to ride - but not on Flame - she's too much of a handful for a novice rider!

Time to call this quits - it looks like I've got some work comming my way...

Back later, if I get the chance.

Karen.
Don't let the b'stards get you down

Thankfully, a quieter day!

And boy, I need it! After yesterday, I was quite ready to tell certain people where they could stick their tyres, and walk out. But, after a relaxing evening with my other half (it was his birthday yesterday, so rather than allowing him to cook - I treated him to dinner - more in a bit!), I feel an awful lot happier. But that's not that hard, given the fact that I was tired, stressed and in an awful lot of pain, because I'd hurt my shoulder on Sunday.

Me being dumb, decided to go riding, as I'm preparing for a point-to-point the end of April, and I need to make sure that Flame is fit enough to run. Because I'd not been riding for a few days, she was rather on the frisky side, and started pulling quite a bit!

As for the point-to-point, I don't expect Flame and I to win, but if we ge tplaced, I'll be quite happy with that. Ok - I know I've got to be fit enough, but I'm working on the principal that I can dose myself up on painkillers and ride that way. Admittedly, it's not the ideal way to ride, but I'm lucky enough to have a horse that I trust!

Last night was, as I've already said, my other half's birthday dinner. We went to a pub that I know - The Blue Lias at Stockton. He was really surprised that I'd bothered to book a table for us, and was pleased that I'd chosen The Blue Lias, as it was somewhere a bit different...

The thing that made the pair of us laugh, was the tabby cat that decided to try and mug the pair of us for various bits of food - especially my other half - who was dumb enough to have the trout!

Despite the attentions of the moggy, it was a fun evening, and I don't mind admitting that I'm knackered now!

Suppose I should call this quits - I've got stuff to get on with...

Back when I get the chance...

Karen.

Don't let the b'stards get you down

Back from lunch…

Well, I've got things sorted out with my other half... To be honest, it wasn't the most enjoyable lunch I've had, but it transpired that the row was caused by more than just me going out in Birmingham the other night.

It turns out that he was really worried about me, as I've been in a lot of pain with my shoulder, and he's been too scared to tell me to take things easy, as I have a habit of exploding when I feel that people are trying to interfere in my life.

On top of that, he's scared that I'm taking on more than I can really handle at work and that I may start to think about leaving the company, and moving on with my life - without him in it. I asked what caused him to think that, and it turns out that he's been badly hurt in the past.

What is it with my taste in men? I seem to pick up on the ones that have seen / unseen emotional baggage, and then end up having to try and repair damage that previous partners have done.

I know it sounds like I'm thinking about calling it quits - nothing could be further from the truth. Whatever else I may be, I don't walk away when I know that there is a chance for me to make something out of a relationship, and I've got no intention of allowing the past to drive a wedge between the pair of us.

Time to call this entry quits - I'm going to go over to his place tonight, and I'm going to make damned sure that he knows how I feel about him...

Back tomorrow if I get chance, as it's nearly the end of the month / first quater, so the phones are likely to be going mad.

Karen.

Don't let the b'stards get you down

That’s the way it is…

The title of this entry is from a song – That’s the way it is by Celine Dion, but it sums up how I’m feeling at this moment in time.

The reason? Simple. A stupid argument with my partner, because I had the nerve to go out last night without him, and the fact that I’d stayed over at Julian’s last night, as I was well over the drink drive limit. Not to mention the mere fact that Julian had taken my car keys off me when I arrived!

He can’t seem to understand that Julian’s the one fella I’m perfectly safe with, as Julian’s gay. There’s more chance of finding 24k gold on the streets of Birmingham, than there is of him making a pass at me!

Ok – I admit it was partly my fault, as I’d forgotten to tell him I was off out last night, but as it’s been an on-going arrangement since we’d been seeing each other, I would have thought he’d have remembered.

Thankfully, we’ve agreed that in future, we’ll tell the other if one of us is off out without the other, as my partner has rightly pointed out that I wouldn’t like it if he’d gone out with a female friend and crashed over at her place without telling me.

I refrained from pointing out that I’ve know Julian more years than enough, and have agreed to meet him for lunch tomorrow – a sort of ‘clear the air’ meeting for the pair of us.

So, as I prep this entry for my blog, I don’t mind admitting (not for the first time!) I’m scared. Scared that a stupid mistake may cost me the chance to make a real go of things with this fella, but all I can do, is pray that there is some mercy in this world, and that I won’t get too badly hurt.

Suppose I’d better log off and bog off – I’ve got to make sure that the furry fiend (Ponto) is settling down to sleep, instead of trying to slink off out for another fight…

Back tomorrow – if I’m in the right frame of mind.

Karen.

Don't let the b'stards get you down