Inside Out..

Listening to a Bryan Adams song - Inside Out, reminds me of the way that my best mate and I are with each other - even though he's very happy with a super lass.

Inside Out
Bryan Adams

 The biggest lie you ever told
Your deepest fear 'bout growin' old
The longest night you ever spent
The angriest letter you never sent


The boy you swore you'd never leave
The one you kissed on New Year's Eve
The sweetest dream you had last night
Your darkest hour, your hardest fight


I wanna know you, like I know myself
I'm waitin' for you, there ain't no one else
Talk to me baby, scream and shout
I want to know you, inside out


I wanna dig down deep, I wanna lose some sleep
I wanna scream and shout, I wanna know you inside out
I wanna take my time, I wanna know your mind
Ya know there ain't no doubt, I wanna know you inside out


The saddest song you ever heard
The most you said with just one word
The loneliest prayer you ever prayed
The truest vow you ever made


What makes you laugh, what makes you cry
What makes you mad, what gets you by
Your highest high, your lowest low
These are the things I wanna know


I wanna know you like I know myself
I'm waiting for you, there ain't no one else
Talk to me baby, scream and shout
I wanna know you inside out


I wanna dig down deep, I wanna lose some sleep
I wanna scream and shout,
I wanna know you inside out


I wanna take my time, I wanna know your mind
You know there ain't no doubt, I wanna know you inside out

I wanna know your soul, I wanna lose control
C'mon n' let it out
I wanna know you inside out


Ya gotta dig down deep, lose some sleep
I wanna dig down deep, I wanna lose some sleep
I wanna scream and shout, I wanna know you inside out

I wanna take my time, I wanna know you're mine
Ya know there ain't no doubt, I wanna know you inside out

For me, this song sums up the meaning of a true friendship. Someone who knows your darkest moments, and your hopes and fears. Ok - I know that some people will find it a weird set up that I am such good mates with an ex, but as I've said in a previous post - we didn't split up because on cheated on the other - we split up because we were too good together as friends to be anything else.

Time to call it quits - I've got to get to my room - there's a program on BBC2 (Horizon) about the new theory on the extinction of the dinosaurs.

Back tomorrow.

Karen.


Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Sharing a joke…

There are some people who can make a day seem an awful lot brighter, by sharing a laugh. The best example today, has been the Scots fella who was ordering some tyres for a Peugeot 307 XSi.

He wanted a particular tyre type, but unfortunately, there’s more than one variety of this tyre, and ideally, you need to match like with like. We talked about the car – I’ve driven the 307 110 HDi diesel turbo – which is extremely fast – for a diesel! Mind you – I made a bad mistake a couple of years ago…

I took on what I thought was a standard diesel, only to have the damn thing accelerate, and chew me up then spit me out in little pieces! It was a blasted 110, not the 90! But, that’s not the only time I’ve bitten off more than I can chew…

When Mum was in hospital, after having surgery on her arm to remove one of the plates, Dad and I had gone to visit her – the pair of us in separate cars, as he was going to work (he worked at Birmingham airport – those people who know me, know who Dad used to work for!), and I was going to head back home.

Well, we headed for the hospital, and at the major traffic island (the junction of the A45 & the A46) I was first at the traffic lights, with a BMW along side me…. I looked over, and saw the M-series bodykit on the car, and assumed that the driver had more money than sense… And that the car was a standard BMW. Boy – did I get that one wrong!

The lights changed, and I accelerated, expecting to leave the BMW for dead. No chance. The BMW hit the powerband, and that was it. I was eating rubber. Dad found it hilarious, and said to Mum:

“Our daughter’s an idiot – she took on an M-series BMW in her car.”

“Hang on a minute – I didn’t know that it was an M-series – I just thought it was someone with more money than sense. I didn’t realise that it was the real McCoy!”

“Didn’t you see the twin tail pipes?”

“Not until he was past me.”

 That caused much hilarity, and even up to the day he died, Dad used to tease me about my mistake – but thankfully, that was the only one that I admitted to! If he known what I used to get up to (and still get up to) he’d skin me!

Time to call it quits – there are too many people about to blog safely at the moment!

Back later [possibly].

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Back from lunch…

And there’s nothing that makes me wish I was back on my lunch than the fact that I am bored stiff. I’ve done all the work that needs to be done, and I’m having trouble staying awake.

But, I’ll say one thing – having a warped sense of humour can pay off at times. One of the sales reps called into check stock, and whilst I was waiting for the computer to give me an availability, he told me a joke – if you’re easily offended, may I suggest you skip the rest of this post!

A man goes into the doctor’s and says that he’s got real problems. “Every time I sneeze, I get an erection.”

“That’s awful,” said the Doctor. “Are you taking anything for it?”

“Yes,” replied the man. “Snuff mainly.”

As soon as the guy had told me the joke, he said that he was a bit worried, as jokes like that were grounds for me to make a complaint to HR (Human Resources). That had me laughing, and I said that there was no need to worry - I appreciated that sort of joke!

Hmm – suppose I’d better look like I’m working, instead of blogging…

Back later [possibly].

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Catching up…

Is a pain in the bum! But, thankfully, I’ve got the calls made to the customers that I took manual orders from, and got most of the bits and pieces sorted out.


Now all I’ve got to do, is try and keep myself from strangling the moron that called me, wanting to order a tyre that is on a back order. He can’t seem to get it through his thick skull that there are none available for the next five days at least!


Hmm – time to call it quits – I’m gonna strangle this one!


Back later [possibly].

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Working with Word ®…

It’s the only way that I can keep adding to the Blog. I’ve managed to save the last few entries, and that way, I can see what I’ve ranted about.

Despite that, I’ve had a couple of jokes sent to me – the only one that had me sniggering, so I’ve decided to post it on the blog as it was rather appropriate…

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" is feminine -"la maison." "Pencil" is masculine -"le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups - male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

Just something that made me smile – especially given what the computer has been doing to me today!

Back later [possibly].

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Never trust a computer.

Especially when you’re trying to do some work. The entire network has had to be put onto a backup system.

‘We are currently experiencing problems in the wide area network that is causing long response times with all external systems. Though the problem is still on going, we have diverted our traffic over the ISDN backup system which is unaffected by the fault. This means that we currently have acceptable response times but limited capacity.

I will send another email when the problem is fully resolved, but in the meantime can you refrain from using non-essential systems such as Internet browsing and E-mail.

Sorry for the inconvenience’

 So, here endeth the blog entry for now!

Back later – if the computer lets me!

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Get a solicitor involved? You must be joking!

I’ve just spoken to the people who usually deal with probate matters… They have advised me to do the work myself, as it would be considerably cheaper - approx. £130, as opposed to £500 or more, if we got someone else to do it!

Call me tight fisted if you like, but I’d prefer to do the work myself, and ask for advise as and when I need it, as this could prove easier for me, and (I know this sounds horrible) at least I know what to do when Mum dies.

I’ve also spoken to Mum, and she’s agreed with me – the best course of action is for us to do the paperwork ourselves, and then file the necessary documents at the probate court.

Hopefully, there’s a closer court than Birmingham, as apparently, you have to go in and swear some kind of oath (I guess it’s along the lines of that the information given is true, etc.) and then the certificate is issued, and can be sent off to the relevant people, and Dad’s estate can be sorted out, and the files archived on the computer.

Time to call it quits – got calls to make!

Back later.

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

There are times when I could cheerfully wring someone’s neck. Care to volunteer?

Just spoken to the probate office. Because the insurance policy is over £5k, then there is the requirement to go through probate, which can take about two months or more!

Apparently, it is quite easy, but the lass I spoke to said that we needed to declare all of Dad’s assets – that were held in his name only. Because the majority of the assets were in joint names, they don’t count, but there are some bits I need advise on.

So, the lass has arranged for one of her colleagues to call me during my lunch break, and I can talk things through with him, and see what the best course of action is – i.e. if Mum & I do the work, or if we just let the family solicitor loose.

Hmm – looks like things are starting to work. Not.

Back later.

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Dratted insurance companies… Why can’t they be more helpful??

Why is it that you try to make a claim on a life insurance policy, the company throws as many obstructions in your path as they possibly can? We’ve been told that the claim had been authorised, but as it was over the company limit, we need to go through probate.

Which is a pain in the backside, as everyone else has been a real help, and has agreed that there is no requirement for this. Simply because Dad’s will stated that everything had been left to Mum and there are no other claimants on the estate. I don’t count, because I’m classified as independent, as I’m earning my own money.

The worst part, is the fact that Birmingham office that I’m trying to contact has a recorded message, to say that the reception is on restricted hours, due to staff training, and that if you leave a message, they will call you back. Fine under normal circumstances, but knowing my luck, they would call me when I was unable to take the call.

So, I’ve decided to call them during my lunch break, and see what happens. The last time I called them, they were really helpful, and gave me the information about what to do, and whom I should contact when I needed help.

Suppose I’d better answer my phone before it drives me scatty!

Back later.

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Yawn – why are meetings so boring?

And if I had the answer to that question, I’d make a fortune! Simply because I’d have found a way to brighten up meetings, and avoid falling asleep, and getting nudged by a colleague, in order to stop my subtle (or not so subtle) snores!

Thankfully, that didn’t cause too much trouble, as I’d already admitted that I was knackered, and had gotten very little sleep last night. What I didn’t admit to, was the fact that I’d done my usual trick, and spent most of the night reading. (You expected me to say that I’d been up playing Divine Divinity!)

But, the book was really worth it. It was the second of the Kelley Armstrong books I’d bought the other day. To be honest, Industrial Magic was better than Dime Store Magic, but you really needed to read Dime Store before Industrial, in order to understand the various bits and pieces.

Me being such a bookworm, I’ve started to read another book – this one’s called The Saga of Darren Shan – Vampire blood. It’s really good, and I will admit, I was loath to put the book down at the end of my lunch-break!

Hmm – more work to do…

Back later – possibly.

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Why have I got a soddin’ headache?

There must be some conspiracy to drive me out of my braincell today. That and the fact that someone keeps trying to call my mobile – with a withheld telephone number, and as soon as my answering back service (sorry – voicemail!) cuts in, they hang up.

If it was so important that he / she / it contacted me, then they would surely leave me a voicemail to get me to call them back. But I get the impression that I know who it is, and at the moment, all they are managing to do, is leave a list of missed calls on my mobile.

By the same token that’s the reason why they won’t send me a text message, as the mobile number is listed, and I could identify the caller / sender from that.

So, as far as I’m concerned, no voicemail or text message, then you won’t get a response from me – as I now refuse to answer unlisted numbers on my ‘phone, as the last time I did, I got more hassle than answering the call was really worth.

The other thing that’s trying to drive me out of my braincell, is this headache. It feels like eyestrain, but I know that it can’t be due to my contact lenses, as I’ve got the new ones in. So, I get the feeling that it may be due to my screen settings being wrong, as well as the theme colours finally driving me spare.

So, me being me, I’ve altered the theme to something a little more relaxing… The cursors are quite good – little starfish, and things like that, and the icons are good as well. The best bit though, is the fact that the colours are restful to the eyes – fairly close to the Windows system standard colours – which I will admit are fairly innocuous.

But, there is one other thing that drives me out of my braincell – is the speed (or lack of) my computer! I ask it to do something, and it just sits there giggling – almost as if to say ‘You expect me to do this fast? Forget it!’ Needless to say, this infuriates me, and causes me all kinds of problems with my work, as it delays me completing an order, and also can result in me doing a manual order.

That’s when I abandon the computer, and grab the old fashioned pen & paper, and then check the computer for the stock when its decided to do some work for me! The trouble is, it then results in a phone call to the customer, and telling them that the tyres are in stock or on a back order (i.e. we’ve got no stock, and are waiting on more coming into our warehouse).

Time to call it quits – got a meeting to attend (and fall asleep in!)

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Waiting patiently is hard to do…

As the title suggests, I’m finding the wait for my new car somewhat trying. But, I’ve been given a build date of 18/10/04, so hopefully, I should have the new car for the end of the month!

The best bit is, that I’ve not told anyone at work that I’m getting a new car, and when ever I’ve been asked, I’ve been rather evasive! So it should be quite funny to see the look on people’s faces when I bring the blue flyer into work!

I’ve also got to book my remaining half-day’s holiday, in order to use up my allocation before the end of the year. So, I’ve put in for a half day in the end of November, so that I can do some Christmas shopping.

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve not got that much to do, but it will give me chance to get a few bits and pieces – including Mum’s footspa. Thankfully, she’s off, so she can help me pick out the right one for her, and also have a look for a few bits for my Godsprog.

But, the trouble is, I don’t have the foggiest what to get her. I mean, what do you get a three year old girl, who seems to have everything, and is more interested in her pony than dolls?

I get a feeling that I may be taking a trip to Walsall, to see if I can get her something to do with the pony, as that seems to be where her interests lie at this moment in time.

I’m also going to speak to her mum, and see if she has given any indication of what she would like for Christmas… I know that’s cheating, but to be honest, what else can I do?

Time to call it quits – my ‘phone’s ringing.

Back later – if I get chance.

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Mentioned in despatches...

Talk about blowing your own trumpet. The charity I nominated for the company’s charity of the year has been selected! How do I know this? Simple. It was in the company’s internal newsletter!

‘We are looking to adopt the Northampton & Warwickshire County Air Ambulance (also known as the Princess Diana air ambulance), based in Bagington, as our Charity for 2005. This is the aircrew who recently appeared on the television. This charity was suggested by Karen of the Contact Centre. Many thanks for your suggestion Karen and lets see how much we can raise for them.

The Company will look at asking staff on the first Friday of every month who participate in a "casual dress day" to donate the minimum of a £1 to the charity. Thank you for your continued support.’
 Wow – just goes to prove what an e-mail in the right place can do! But, having said that, it is a charity that I support, and at Dad’s funeral, instead of flowers, we (Mum & I) asked that donations were made to the Northampton & Warwickshire County Air Ambulance.

This was because it was something that he believed should be supported by the National Lottery good causes fund, instead of being purely funded by charitable donations, because he saw the good that an air ambulance did when he was travelling in North America.

Time to call it quits – the ‘phones are going mad!

Back later - possibly.

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Weird films and other stuff...

If I didn't know better, I would swear that Dreamcatcher was based on a Stephen King book.(Feedback to let me know if I'm right, or scatching the wrong post would be much appreciated!) Don't get me wrong, I loved every second of the film - and have deemed it another must get for my ever expanding DVD collection!

I will admit, it freaked my friend out, and she sat for the best part of the film, cuddling a cushion, and hiding when some of the worms made their presence known. I won't say anymore, but to those who read Stephen King books, it will come as no surprise the style of the ending...

Onto a slightly touchy subject - Christmas. I always jokingly say "Unh, no-one mention the c-word" - just a slight twist on a line in Beetlejuice! Because Mum is at work this weekend, I made the most of it, and escaped into town (Leamington) and managed to get part of Mum's Christmas present.

She knows that I'm going to get her a Remington Footspa, but this second bit, is unknown to her. I've bought her a perfume bottle. Ok - I know that doesn't sound much, but I'd better explain a bit more.

Mum and Dad used to collect what is commonly known as Studio Glass - i.e. the stuff that is still blown by hand. Good examples are Okra (it used to be part of the Moorcroft pottery group) and John Ditchfield (he of the wonderful glass lilly pad paperweight - complete with the little silver frog!)

This perfume bottle is made by an English glass-making company, in the Lake District - Heron Glass. It's all iridecent blues, greens and golds, and it's just the sort of thing that Mum would go for. The best bit is, the fact that I've been able to hide the bottle in the study - as it's one of the two rooms that she won't willingly venture into - the other one being my room, as she's never sure where the cats are hiding!

Time to call it quits - I can see the moggies giving me the evil eye again, as they're not getting any attention from me, and Ponto looks like he's going to eat the computer mouse if I don't sign off!

Back tomorrow - I hope!

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Listening to my choice of music for once…

That’s the worst bit about having to share a car. I can’t listen to my choice of music. At the moment, I’m blasting the airwaves with Jean Michele Jarre’s latest album – Aero. (There's a specific website for this album - see http://www.jeanmicheljarre.com/) It’s really good, and sounds absolutely phenomenal on the car stereo – with the windows open!

The best bit (for me) is the fact that I managed to get the album with the limited edition DVD of some of JMJ’s videos. I’ve never seen any of them, but I have been lucky enough to see him in concert in Paris a good few years ago. (One of the joys of being an airline brat – I was able to get cheaper tickets to places like Paris!)

So, that’s something for me to look forward to tonight – I’m going to see my gosprog, and her mum is a big JMJ fan, and has got a super home cinema setup (5.1 Dolby surround sound), so we’ll be rocking the night away to JMJ and other music stuff!

Rats – my phone’s ringing – suppose I’d better answer it.

Back later…

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

Jut another little part of my job. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. Much. But there are times when the best laid plans go astray, and that’s what I find annoying – having to break a promise to someone.

But, I should have known better, as the promise was made on the assumption that a tyre collection could be made, only to discover that the quantity is too great for the collection to be done today.

Needless to say, I’m less than impressed, and have been promised that the collection will be done on Tuesday. But the annoying part (for me) is the mere fact that I had to make the call to the customer in the first place, to see if the tyres had been picked up!

Time to call it quits – before I go and splatter something!

Back later…

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off...

The paperwork I’m doing is repetitive, and trying to read the handwriting at times is like trying to decipher a soddin’ code. I wouldn’t mind, but when I write out the same paperwork, I make damned sure the handwriting is clear!

Despite that, it’s good practice for me, as I’m going to be taking responsibility for this particular aspect of the work. I need a training session or two to get me into the swing of what should be done, and that way, I know that if I goof up, it won’t cost the company too much money…

Time to call it quits – got more work to do.

Back later…

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Knackered (again)

Self inflicted though – I was up until 02:30am this morning, playing Divine Divinity. (For details, see http://www.larian.com/ ) The trouble is, the game is addictive, walking ‘round beating heck out of Orcs, spiders and other nasty creepy crawlies that try to kill you. You also have various quests to solve, in order to progress though the game, and to be honest, it does take quite a bit of thought, trying to get the various bits to come together.

Having said that though, I find it rather relaxing, to sit there fighting these creatures with various spells, as my character is a mage / warrior. There are three basic classes of player – warrior, survivor (or thief) and mage – but you can combine the skills from all groups to make a mage / warrior, or any combination that you fancy.

Time to call it quits – looks like I’m about to be let loose on some paperwork…

Back later…

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

First of the month…

And I’m expecting this to be mayhem. Simply because this is the insane time when every person in the country, who needs tyres, gets them ordered from us. I don’t mind, but there are times when it gets a bit too much, and I get very little peace and quiet from my ‘phone. Plus, I have to get the two reports done and e-mailed to the various people.

But, I can’t complain too much – I actually prefer to be busy, otherwise I find my fingers get me into trouble, as I can sit here doing all sorts of weird and wonderful things to my computer, which gives the IT department nightmares… *Grin*

Time to call it quits – got work to think about doing…

Back later…


Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Someone hide my WH Smith’s loyalty card!

Simply because I have this terrible habit of going in there with the intention of just looking, and end up buying one or more items! In this case, I bought two books – both by Kelley Armstrong – Dime Store Magic and Industrial Magic.

I also bought two DVDs (special edition 2 disc DVDs) – it was buy one, get one free – so I did. The DVDs in question are Tom Cruise – Minority Report, and Ben Affleck - Daredevil.

Both are films that I have enjoyed immensely (for various personal reasons!) and managed to miss getting the ‘normal’ DVD editions the first time ‘round – hence the reason for me getting them now. I’m also tempted to see if I can get the final part of the Lord of the Rings trilogy – The Return of the King on the four disc special edition.

I know that it sounds like I’m obsessed with the special editions of the DVDs, but in the case of the Lord of the Rings, you get all the extra bits and pieces that were never shown at the cinema.

The others, it’s just a case of getting things like the director’s commentary, the making of the films, and the background of the film as well, which I personally find quite interesting.

But there is one film, which means an awful lot to me. I know this is going to sound silly to some people, but it’s Master and Commander – The far side of the world. Simply because this was the last film that Dad and I watched together before his untimely death.

I know that you shouldn’t attach so much importance to something like that, but it was an evening that I really enjoyed, and so it will always have a special place in my heart.

Time to call it quits – my ‘phone’s ringing. Again.

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Watching ghosts from my past walk by…

An appropriate title for this entry in my blog… Simply because I went to see an old friend last night – an ex to be more precise. We split as lovers, not because one cheated on the other, but because we knew that it wasn’t right – there was some essential spark missing.

Despite that, we’ve been able to stay good friends, and I went over to see him, and share a laugh and a joke, and a few tears [over Dad], simply because I know that I don’t have to put up the tough bitch act when I’m with him.

He looked tired, and when he told me the reason behind it, I started laughing, and told him that I had no sympathy for him whatsoever. In the past, when he’s admitted something like that to me, I’ve exploded, and accused him of ‘rubbing my nose it.’

But now, I’m not bothered in the slightest, and am really pleased that he’s happy. And no – I’m not just saying that to make myself appear totally selfless – it’s a genuine opinion, and the most important thing, is that fact that my best friend knows how I feel.

When I was a little more composed, we sat and watched a film on DVD – Ghost Ship. I will admit, I’d picked the DVD up myself, a couple of times, with the intention to buy it, but changed my mind at the last minute for some reason.

Parts of it really freaked me out (especially the scene with the rats in the packing case – I hate rats!) but in general, it was a really good film – one that I have now resolved to get myself!

He also lent me Dreamcatchers on video, and again, it’s a film that I’ve looked at, but never gone through with the purchase. So, that’s going to be a quiet night in front of the telly for me and the cats, watching that film, and scaring myself half to death!

Time to call it quits – nearly time to escape on lunch…

Back later.

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath

Ever had one of those days?

We’re short staffed, the phone is going barmy, and I’ve got to try and do two reports from last week. Needless to say, I’m not a happy person, as I’m trying to do about three or more things at once. Especially as the one report requires me to pay attention to what I’m doing – more than normal, anyway!

The worst part is, I’m half expecting one of the external recipients of this e-mail to start hassling me, and demanding to know where this data is, as they require it to plan their stock orders for the next few weeks. Don’t know why they’re so bothered – most of the stuff they want isn’t in stock at the moment!

Ah well, time to crack on, before I crack up!

Back later [possibly]

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath

Jokes and or stories…

I’ve been meaning to post a couple of jokes / funny stories that I’ve been told, and if you’re easily offended, I suggest that you skip this next post, as the jokes are, well... Read for yourself!

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.


The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:"Runway too short?"


To which I replied, "I'm late for work."


To which he asked, "What do you do?"


"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.


The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"


"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet." Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"


To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Speeding ticket: £105.00


Court costs: £45


Look on copper's face: Priceless.
Next story / joke:

A teacher gave her class of 11-year-olds an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" Asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

" Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. “

“She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

“Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f** * away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking. "

I make no apologies for these stories – they just appealed to my very warped sense of humor… And before I get complaints about people having heard or read these before – I know! They’re old jokes that keep doing the ‘rounds, but they’re something that has made me laugh, and brightened up my day…

Suppose I’d better get on with some work…

Back later – possibly.

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath

Early starts…

I was up at 06:00 this morning, and got the moggies fed, and then had to throw Fred out of the bathroom, as the little sod was trying to get into the bath, so he could play in the shower!

Needless to say, I got the evil eye from him, but I was too tired to care. For some reason, I’ve not been sleeping very well. Yes, I’ve been sleeping through the night (I have this tendency to hit the pillow and sleep rather rapidly), but for some reason, I don’t feel refreshed afterwards. No doubt there’s some reason behind it, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s just a phase I’m going through.

I then had to battle my way through the traffic, and contend with the half-asleep idiots behind the wheel of their expensive executive cars, and try and get into work for 08:30… Which I somehow managed to do, and got a decent parking space into the bargain!

Hmm – need to get this work finished off.

Back later…

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath

Knackered… And I want some sleep!

My own fault really – I should know better than to have my mobile turned on at night. But, having said that, the person who called me was very apologetic when it was pointed out that I’d been woken up.

Despite that, I ended up spending three hours on the phone talking, as we’d not spoken for a couple of weeks, simply because the pair of us had been busy with various bit and pieces – me getting ready for my escape to Jersey, and the other party (who shall remain nameless & generally unidentified until I get told otherwise!) sorting out bits that needed sorting out.

But, I don’t feel too bad – even if I did eventually settle down, and get back to sleep at 04:00… Only to have my two furry alarm clocks wake me up at 06:30!

Selfish blasted pair – they don’t have to get up and work – they can just suit themselves – mind you that is what you get for living with two cats!

Time to call it quits – got work to do.

Back later [possibly]

Karen

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Happiness... Is being told that your car insurance hasn't gone up...

As you can see, I'm quite a happy little tigger at this moment in time. Why? Because I've just spoken to my insurance company, and have been told that my premium won't increase for this year, because I'm getting a new car!

Other than that, it's been a surprisingly successful day for me. I managed to find a pair of shoes that didn't cripple me - I've got wide feet, and for some reason, most shoe manufacturers seem to think that women have dainty little narrow feet. I don't (too many years of wearing sandals - allowed my feet to spread quite merrily!), so I find it hard to get shoes that don't cripple me, or look like shoe boxes.

I've also put the order in for my contact lenses - and saved 50% on the price! They should be £45 for the first three months, but I only paid £22.50... The optician admitted that he'd kept quiet about the half price promotion, as he didn't want to influence my decision about the lenses, by telling me that they would be half price.

Ok - I'm not the sort of person to be swayed by that sort of offer - it was just a bonus for me, as far as I was concerned, but I can understand his reluctance to mention it, in case it did influence my decision to get the lenses.

I also managed to get another book (I'm quite a bookworm, and can go through a book in a couple of days, with relative ease.) This one is a Robin Cook omnibus - with Toxin and Chromosome 6 in it. I've read several of his books before - they tend to be medical thrillers, and to be honest, I find them hard to put down.

Suppose I'd better log off, and bog off - I've got to go and see my Godsprog this evening, and I've got some fudge to give to the little monster. (She's actually a really sweet kid - but she's drawn the short straw with me as her Godmother - I'll teach her all my bad habits!)

No doubt I'll be very popular with her, and her mother will threaten to lynch me. Again. But, that's what Godchildren are for - spoiling rotten, especially when you can hand them back to their parents!

Back tomorrow - I hope!

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

I hate...... That bloody mouse!

In case you're wondering what my latest rant is about - it's not aimed at the Disney mouse. No - it's aimed at the common house mouse. Especially the little b'stard that build its nest on the top of my car battery.

No, you're not seeing things - there was a mouse nest on top of the battery of my car. I opened the bonnet, and the language was foul. I called the mouse all the names under the sun, then carefully removed its nest.

Thankfully, there was no damage to the wiring of the car (I used it for the trip to Northampton today - more on that later), but I was less than impressed. You would have thought with TWO cats in the house (one with a hair trigger appetite, and a Swiss army claw attachment!), that the garage was the LAST place you would find a mouse living in.

The best bit was, the mere fact that Mum & I suspected that there was a mouse in the garage before we went on holiday, and bought a Mouse bait box - the idea being that the little vermin goes in, munches the bait, and goes to the great mousehole in the sky.

We get back, and the bait has been duly munched, but the little b'stard still built a bloody nest. If I get my hands on it, it's one very dead mouse. Pity we've tried to poison it, otherwise I'd give it to Ponto, and say

"All yours. Have fun".

Now onto happier news. Mum & I went to see the shoemaker today, and the shoes that he's made for Mum are brilliant! For the first time in over three years, she's walking straight, and not rolling like a drunk.
Ok - the shoes aren't anything like Jimmy Choo's (if anything - they're more expensive - like about £500 + !), but as far as I'm concerned, if these shoes stop Mum suffering any more damage to her joints because of the way she's walking, then they're worth every penny - and I don't think that Dad would disagree with me. My only regret is the fact that he didn't live to see Mum walking normally in the shoes, but somehow, I think he knew Mum was in good hands.

Tomorrow should be fun for me - I've got to go to the optician in Leamington, to let the optometrist know how I've gotten on with the new contact lenses. After more years than I'll admit to (like about 13 years!), wearing contact lenses, I've finally opted to change from gas permeable (rigid) lenses, to the more gentle soft lenses.

When I started wearing contacts, I was advised against the soft lenses, as the wear time was very restricted (about 6 hours at most), and I was going to be wearing my lenses for about 12 hours or more. Now, the technology has improved to such an extent, that I found the soft lenses far more comfortable for me!

They've got some kind of coating (silica I think) that makes the lens more comfortable for the eye, and also makes that most dreaded of occurrences - a dry eye - less likely. They've also got a higher oxygen permeablity rating - something like 82%, as opposed to the 15 - 20% for normal soft lenses. As a result, the lenses are slightly more expensive, but as far as I'm concerned, the comfort factor more than makes up for any cost implications.

And no - I'm not even going to consider laser eye surgery. Not because it's too expensive, or anything like that. It's the mere case that I happen to be a coward, and as far as I'm concerned, I've only got one pair of eyes, and if something goes wrong.... The consequences are too horrific for me to contemplate.

Ah well, time to log off, and bog off - my mobile's ringing, and I haven't got very good reception in the study, where my computer is!

Back tomorrow...

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Whilst I was away.... (Why don't you rip the heart out of the city?)

I guess this rant sums up how I feel about Ford's decision to close the Brown's Lane Jaguar factory. You know - the historic home of the classic Jaguar car?

I know that Ford will be spouting all the reasons under the sun, as to why this decision makes economic sense, but try telling that to the 400 or so men & women who will lose their jobs, and the other countless hundreds of people who rely directly or indirectly on the plant being there.

Ok - so they [Ford] have said that jobs will be transferred to the Castle Bromwich site. Whoop-de-do. That doesn't make things any easier for people in the Coventry area - Castle Bromwich (and I'm speaking from experience here!) is a real pain in the proverbial butt to get to, and how long will it be before good ol' 'Uncle Henry' decides to pull the plug on the other sites here in the UK?

And, if they can do that to the Brown's Lane factory, how much longer will the Land Rover factory at Solihull survive? Ok - the unions & management have managed to get a stay of execution on the site [the Freelander is already made at the Jaguar Halewood plant in Liverpool], but all it needs is for some little pen pusher to decide that the site isn't viable, then "goodbye Lode Lane."

I know people will think that I'm taking a swipe at Ford, and saying that the company should have stayed in the dark ages, making huge losses, but it's not a case of that at all. All I'm trying to do, is make my personal feelings known - and also to highlight the loss of Midland manufacturing heritage. As it is, the Massey Ferguson site at Banner lane is all but closed - how much more can the city of Coventry take?

Time to call it quits - I've got to go and check my car over - it's been standing for over a week, and I'm off on a fairly long drive tomorrow...

Back tomorrow [possibly]

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

A time for reflection

A good title for today’s entry. It would have been Dad’s 56th birthday today, but instead, I’m spending a quiet time on my own, reflecting with my keyboard. Mum has gone to see friends who live near by, and so, I’m left to my own devices.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t begrudge Mum going out – far from it. I just didn’t feel like being sociable at this moment in time. Especially as I was watching the final part of a TV series that I recorded last night – The Lyon’s Den, with Rob Lowe in the title role. To say that the end was unexpected is an understatement.

If you get the chance to see it – do so. Bear with it, as I will admit that at times, it can be a bit tedious, but the final scenes were brilliant – all credit to Rob Lowe & Kyle Chandler for some fine acting throughout the series – I was hooked from the start.

On a slightly different topic, Mum and I have ordered a new mower. It’s a key start; self driven 19” deck Mountfield, and should be ready to be collected in a couple of weeks time.

It was ‘fun’ trying to find this place in Worcester, especially as I cannot read a map to save my life, but we found the road, and the site, and got the mower on order. So, because we’ve managed to get the mower from the Worcester branch, there’s no need for us to go to Hereford [boo, hiss!].

But, I haven’t given up on the idea of going to the cider museum – far from it. It’s on the back burner for the time being, as there are a few things that I need to get sorted before I get back to work on Monday.

The main one being taking Mum to the shoemaker in Northampton tomorrow. Since Mum had the car accident, she walks with a pronounced limp. Ok – quick info burst – Mum was nearly killed in a car accident three years ago.

As a result of the injuries that she sustained, now requires a built up shoe to help her walk normally, because her right leg is about ½” shorter than the left. Because of this, she limps when she walks without the lift in the shoe. Because of this, both my late father and I have done our best to help Mum, and finally talked her into going to see this shoemaker in Northampton.

We got a call from him last night to say that the shoes are ready for the first fitting, and as Mum wasn’t feeling too good, she let me take the call. I walked into the kitchen, to make things easier for Mum, as the last time she’d been to see the shoemaker, Dad had been with her.

I explained what had happened, and that Mum had good days and bad days, and as a result, it would be me accompanying Mum for the appointment. The gentleman was surprised, and said that he couldn’t believe it, as Dad had seemed so healthy when they (Mum & Dad) had been there for the consultation in early May. I didn’t disagree, and arranged an appointment for the pair of us to go, and see how the shoes fitted.

I will admit this though, as I type this entry, I’ve been listening to some of my favourite music. I started listening to the Evanescence album [Fallen], but found that all it was doing was depressing me. There’s the one track on there, My Immortal that I cannot listen to, without bursting into tears:

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

 The reason being, that it reminds me of the way that I felt in the immediate aftermath of Dad’s sudden death. Ok – as time goes by, it does get easier. But not much, and songs like that just cripple me at the moment. So, I’ve resorted to my old favourite – The Rasmus – Dead Letters album. Nothing like a good bit of guitar orientated rock to make you feel better!

Suppose I’d better tend to the moggies – I’m getting the evil eye from the pair of them!

Back when I get away from the furry fiends!

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Back from holiday.

And I'm tired, and extremely annoyed. The reason? Only a three hour delay at Jersey airport, with no information being given as to the reason why other than "it's a technical problem". Congratulations. That tells me bugger all. But, I shall refrain from naming the airline - the people who know me will know which one I'm talking about! *Grin*

Having said that, there was a similar delay on the way to Jersey - only this was due to crew sickness (the captain called in sick at the last minute, so a substitute had to be called in) - something which we didn't find out until we were on the aircraft!

Now onto the holiday itself. I make no apologies for the amount of external web links that will be in this blog entry - they can give you far more information about the places that I went to than I can (ok - their versions of it). The opinions in this blog, are mine, and mine alone - and I make no apology for them whatsoever.

Once we'd landed at Jersey airport, Mum and I went to collect the hire car. OK- that wasn't a problem. The car itself was though. It was a Fiat Panda (See http://www.fiat.co.uk for a picture of the hideous interior!!! I'll give you a clue - it was the yellow - with a pale blue exterior!)

I will say one thing - if it was my car, I would have taken it straight back to the garage where I bought it from, as there were several things that sounded seriously wrong with it: - the gearbox clunked when you changed gear manually (it was an eastronic box), it whined like there was a servo winding itself up, when the offside front door was opened, and it also sounded like there was a wheel bearing going in the offside rear.

Once we'd found the hotel (The West View hotel: - good food, good beer, and quiet - but I would recommend having transport of your own to stay there, as it's a little bit remote - see http://www.jersey.com for more details!)

After we'd gotten lost because of the lousy directions that we'd been given by the hire company, we got settled, and then headed off for a tour of the island.

Our first stop was Jersey Pearl. (http://www.worldpearl.com ) Don't get me wrong - I'm not one of these women who loads herself up with jewellery. Far from it. I tend to go for a couple of classical pieces, and make them count.

But, as I was wandering 'round, I will admit, I fell for a lovely pair silver drops with dark pearls on them. They weren't wildly expensive, and I will admit, I kept walking back to them and I knew that was it - I was going to buy them.

The following day, Mum and I went to the Eric Young Orchid Foundation. It's open throughout the year Wednesday through to Saturday. (http://www.ericyoungorchidfoundation.co.uk/) Unfortunately, the site doesn't show the display houses, but as soon as I get the scanner on the computer working, I'll post the photographs that I took there.

There were orchids that smelt of Vanilla - yes, orchids do have scent! The vanilla pod comes from the vanilla orchid! We then went for a drive round the island.

To be honest, it's hard to remember which day we did what, but some things really do stick out in my mind - the trip to Jersey Lavender (http://www.jerseylavender.co.uk) being one of them.

Simply because on the previous trip to Jersey, I bought some Lavender & Rosemary cologne and that was it. I was hooked. Needless to say, I've stocked up, and made damned sure that I can get it via the web site!!

One of the other places that sticks in my mind is the La Mare Vineyards & Distillery. (http://www.lamarevineyards.com) For the simple reason, that on the two occasions I've tried their wines, I've found them little better than paint stripper.

OK, they may be award winning wines, but as far as I'm concerned, you can keep them. The apple brandy wasn't much better - again, it reminded me of something that you could use to take the paint off the floor!

However, the one place that I really wanted to visit was the German Underground Hospital. It's now known as the Jersey War Tunnels (http://www.jerseywartunnels.com/) and I will admit, the first time I went, I was with my late father.

Mum refused to go on both occasions, as the one and only time she went, it gave her the creeps to such an extent, she's refused to go back ever since. So, I left Mum with the car keys, and off I went.

The first time I went, I will admit to feeling slightly daunted. But for some reason, this time, I felt really uncomfortable. Ok - I know that there will be some people who twitter on about me picking up psychic vibrations - it was nothing as far out as that. It was the mere fact that the last time I was there, I was with my late father, who did a wonderful job of explaining the things that I didn't understand, as I hadn't studied history at school.

As part of the entrance fee, I was given a reproduction of a Jersey Identity Card or Identitaetskarte, which related to a person in the gallery - along with a brief summary of their life, and what happened to them during the German occupation of the Channel Islands. [The only part of the UK that the German Third Reich actually managed to invade during the Second World War].

The person on my identity card was sent to Ravensbrück concentration camp gas chambers, for trying to help runaways from the underground hospital's labour force.

There is little more that I can say about the tunnels - other than if you go to Jersey, go and see them for yourselves and you'll see exactly what I mean.

The other place that had an impact on me was the Durrell wildlife conservation trust - also known as Jersey Zoo. (http://www.durrellwildlife.org)

I personally found the Tamarin wood the funniest part of the trip, as the Tamarins scamper around an open woodland, giving their usual vocal calls, and occasionally, posing for photographs! The rest of the tour was well worth it, with the Lemurs making both Mum and myself laugh with their antics - which are totally natural, before people start bristling about that!

Other places that Mum & I visited included Jersey Potteries (http://www.jerseypottery.com) This left me cold, as there was little that actually caught my eye, and the few pieces that did, were horrifically over priced (in my opinion anyway!). The much vaunted museum left a lot to be desired as well, as there were very few pieces in the display, and very little information about them, and several I'd seen for sale on e-bay!

But, one place I did enjoy going to, was the Living Legend (http://www.jerseyslivinglegend.co.je/) It's great for kids, and to be honest, there are times when I'm little more than an overgrown kid myself! The presentation was slick, and gave an interesting insight into the island's history.

The comment that stuck in my mind was "England is Jersey's oldest possession" as the island was part of the Duchy of Normandy - and became part of the UK when William, Duke of Normandy invaded England in 1066 (yes - he was William the Conqueror).

Aside from doing the tourist bit, Mum & I did go into the main town on Jersey (ok - the ONLY town in Jersey!) St Helier. We had a walk around the shops - and noticed that some of the larger chain stores (who shall remain nameless) were trying to charge the full 17.5% VAT on their goods.

What makes me mention this? Simple. The Channel Islands have no VAT on their goods. But, we did find that if you went to the smaller shops (i.e. the one-off shops) the prices were quite a bit lower, even if certain stores had delusions of grandeur. Having said that though, I did manage to find a rather unusual aftershave. It's called Monsieur Balman, and is lemon based - a real favourite of mine.

Ok - there were a couple of aftershaves / perfumes that I liked, but the price difference wasn't worth me considering buying them. As for me wearing aftershave, I'm of the opinion that a fragrance is a fragrance - and, if I like the smell, and it suits my skin acidity, then I'll wear it.

However, there are perfumes by Dior (Dune being the main one) that I cannot wear, simply because they smell awful on me. I tried Dune when it first came out, and the guy I was shopping with [yes - a man who liked shopping - great rarity!] said that I smelt like I'd been urinated on by a camel (or words to that effect!) Needless to say, that comment caused me to change my mind rather rapidly about the perfume - but I will admit I'd been in two minds about it anyway.

Other shops were interesting, but some were a complete waste of time in my opinion. But, having said that, I was glad that I took my book with me. In the evenings, after dinner at the hotel, there was nothing I liked better than to curl up on the bed with my book. I took the Tom Holt omnibus - For Two Nights Only - which contains Overtime and Grailblazers. Put it this way, I had tears of laughter running down my cheeks - especially in this passage from Grailblazers:

"Running away" Boamund said, "is just not done."

"I've done it," Toenail interrupted, "lots of times. It's quite easy once you get the hang of it."

"But it's not right," Boamund protested. "Sir Lancelot never ran away from people."

"Maybe not." Galahaut retorted, as they skittered over a patch of turbulence. "Maybe the fact that everyone was shit-scared of him had something to do with it. I don't think that lot are terribly frightened of us, do you?"

He waved an arm behind them...

(For the rest, you'll have to read Grailblazers I'm afraid!)

Hmm - suppose I'd better leave my perch, and see who's had the nerve to ring the door bell.

Back when I get free.

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

How you remind me...

There's nothing I like more, than singing along to a rock song on the radio.. In this case, it was Nickelback - How you remind me [from the Silverside Up album - a true rock classic!]

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'
Tired of livin' like a blind man
I'm sick inside without a sense of feelin'

And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'

I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet? Yet? Yet?
No, no

It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
It must have been so bad
'Cause living with me must have damn near killed you

This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'

I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet? Yet? Yet?,
No, no

In some respects, it reminds me of parts of my life - splitting up with the guy I really cared for, simply because we both knew that it wasn't working, and then getting into a relationship that nearly caused me to lose my mind. Don't get me wrong - the guy wasn't abusive - physically, anyway. His specialty was mental abuse - making me feel like I was the bad guy [ok - girl!] when I wanted to do something on my own.

It took the death of my father to make me realise what this guy was doing to me, and in a pervese way, gave me the courage to regain my life - without a control freak in it.

As a result, my new anthem is a Tom Petty song - Learning to Fly:

Well I started out down a dirty road
Started out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
And the town lit up, the world got still

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well the good ol' days may not return
And the rocks might melt and the sea may burn

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I've started out, for God knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there

I'm learning to fly, around the clouds,
But what goes up must come down

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Time to log off and bog off - the moggies are demanding attention, and Ponto is looking like he's going to eat the computer mouse if he doesn't get fed within the next thirty seconds!

Back tomorrow - I hope.

Karen

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

9/11

It's hard to believe that it's been three years since the horific events of 9/11. I guess in a way, I'm lucky, living here in the UK - away from the terrorist targets of London and the other major cities. But that doesn't make me complacent - far from it. I can understand the need for extra vigilance, especially at airports, but what I don't understand is the reason for the war in Iraq.

Ok - I know that there will be people who say "she doesn't know what the **** she's talking about - the reasons are X, Y & Z" and equally, there will be people who say "yeah - go for it! The war is wrong for reasons A, B & C".

Ah well - enough political ranting - I can hear the appetite on legs trying to start a fight - I'd better go and sort him out...

Back whenever,

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

A step into the unknown...

Talk about a scary step! I've taken the plunge, and put the order in for my new car. It's the 206 SE 1.6 tiptronic auto... I've not added that much to the car - I didn't need to - but, I have ordered the luxury pack, which gives me 5-spoke alloy wheels, alarm and deadlocks.

I've received a good trade in price for my current car, which given the fact that it's 4½ years old, and has about 57k miles on the trip, isn't too bad at all. But, I know the one thing - it means that I'm going to have to adapt my driving style to the new car - the way I did with my current one.

Despite this, I've got about 6 /8 weeks to wait for the new car, as it's a factory build, due to the fact that it's a small auto, and I want a particular colour (Agean Blue)...

Rats - my mobile's ringing... Suppose I'd better answer it.

Back later...

Karen

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary

And that could be said of me in the past… I’ve just had to call about half a dozen customers, to let them know that they may not get their deliveries today, as the M6 is closed both ways between J11 & 10a [the M54 link], due to a bad accident and a spillage.

But, thankfully, all the customers were ok, as some of them had vehicles caught in the traffic chaos, and could understand the reasons for me calling to advise them.

I’ve also done the two reports that I have to get done on a Friday… The one takes a lot of fiddling with (it uses pivot tables, and other stuff like that); the other is relatively straight foreward - just a pain in the backside to get e-mailed out...

But, this is the last time that I'll have to worry about such things, until I get back anyway!

Ah well - suppose I'd better do some more work...

Back whenever.

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Just a random thought. As you can tell, the last working day before my holiday is starting to get to me. Just a bit.

But, having said that, calling the customers to say that the tyres they ordered have come in, is great fun, as most of them I can have a joke with. The best one being a fella who was teasing me about going to Jersey – said that I was going to check up on my offshore millions. I started laughing, and said that I was going to get the Ferrari out of storage for the first day, then get the Aston Martin out and tour ‘round the island in it.

All in all, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be, but I don’t mind admitting that I’m looking forward to 17:00 – I escape for two whole weeks then!

And I’m awful tempted to send this as a final e-mail to all in my department:

Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

Malevolent, I know, but it suits me at the moment!

Back later – more calls to make, and more people to gossip to…

Karen.

Do spiders scream when the see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

I’m free!

No, I’m not doing my impersonation of John Innman in Are you being served? – it’s how I’m feeling this morning. It’s my last working day for two weeks, as I’m going to spend a week in Jersey and a week at home… Well, on the UK mainland anyway. Whether I stay in the Warwickshire area is another matter entirely!

But, if I get my way, I get a trip to the Hereford Cider Museum… http://www.cidermuseum.co.uk/ No, it’s not me being selfish – it kills two birds with one stone… We [Mum & I] need to get a new mower, as the old one packed up. Mind you – it got a fair bit of abuse from the family – including me running it into the fence on numerous occasions!

I know what some people will say – “why don’t you go to the local DIY store and buy one?” Simple. When you’re mowing a paddock, you don’t want to drag huge amounts of cable behind you, and most DIY stores don’t stock a decent petrol mower. When I say decent, I mean one that last longer than two years. The one that’s just packed up lasted 10 years, before it became too expensive to repair.

Hmm – suppose I’d better do some w*rk…

Back later.

Karen.
Do spiders scream when the see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

How many times do I have to tell you?

Some people just don’t listen. You try to help them by offering an alternative product [or two] and they seem to insist on asking if the original product is in stock – despite having been told numerous times that there are none available.

Just one of the many things that seem to be sent to try my patience today – which was started when Ponto decided to drop a mouse [a dead one admittedly] into my shoe… Which I then put on. You can imagine the yell, and the expletives that were hurled at Ponto’s retreating form.

So, that meant I had to dash upstairs [ok – hop] and wash my foot, then change my shoes for my sandals, then grab my car keys, and pray that the car would start ok.

Thankfully, the car did start ok, and I got into work ok – I even managed to get a decent parking space! But, I did have an encounter with a Land Rover Freelander…

The stupid idiot was in the turn right lane at the traffic island, and decided that he /she/it wanted to go straight on. There was only one problem – I was already along side when the idiot started to make the move! So, the person concerned got a symphony in airhorn minor. In reply, I got headlights, but as far as I was concerned, not my problem. The Freelander was in the wrong lane.

Rats – just about to be given some w*rk to do...

Back later.

Karen.
Do spiders scream when the see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Things that make you go “Grr.”

There are times when I could cheerfully wring someone’s neck – and today is one of them. My car decided to play up last night: - the fuel gauge was showing that I was on fumes, so, like any normal person, I drove cautiously to the fuel station, and proceeded to get some petrol for the car…

Only for it to refuse to take any more than it had already go on board! I was charged for 2l (the minimum delivery), and as soon as I was clear from the pumps, I called my friendly mechanic (who services the car for me when it goes into the dealership for the services.)

He then told me that it sounded like the fuel sender in the tank was on the way out, and the best thing I could do, was get rid of the car, as this could be the start of something more serious. So, needless to say, I’m less than impressed. But, I suppose there is a silver lining to this problem – I’m going to order the Peugeot 206 on Saturday… http://www.peugeot.co.uk/

I will admit to feeling slightly upset – ok, I know that there will be people out there who say “Why? It’s only a car!” But that’s not the point – it’s my car – one that I’ve run in, tuned up and generally thrown around here there and everywhere.

But, life goes on, and I suppose this give me a chance to get to know another car – and spend time learning its quirks….

Rats – there goes my ‘phone. Suppose I’d better answer it…

Back later – possibly.

Karen.

Do spiders scream when the see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Things that make you go “Hmmm”

I did promise that this blog would have random musings in it, and lunchtime resulted in a random thought come rant.

I went to refuel my car, and me being dumb, forgot that I was driving my car, instead of Mum’s… And guess what. The filler cap is on the other side on my car (the left as opposed to the right on Mum’s!) So, like a twit, I pull up to the fuel pump, with the filler hose on the right hand side, instead of the left, and had to stretch the hose across the roof of the car.

Thankfully, I managed to avoid doing any damage to the car, and fuelled the car up – even if it did try and coat me in eau de petrol. Still, I suppose it’s better than being coated in eau de diesel.
What I want to know is why car manufacturers insist on putting the filler cap on different sides of the car? It would make life so much easier if the filler cap was on the same side of EVERY car… That way, dozy people [like me] wouldn’t get confused at the petrol station!

Suppose I’d better get on with some w*rk...

Back later. (Possibly)

Karen.

Do spiders scream when the see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Let sleeping tigers lie…

A quiet evening last night... I tried to watch a bit of telly, but did my normal trick, and fell asleep! Thankfully, I’d remembered to set my alarm clock, so there was no danger of me oversleeping this morning. Mind you, with the appetite on legs around [my cat, Ponto]; there is little chance of me staying asleep beyond 06:30! My other cat, Fred, is a totally different character. He’s a hippie in catskin – all peace, love & catnip, compared to Ponto, who eats anything that walks, crawls, flies or slithers.

Having said that though, I wouldn’t swap either cat for anything. They’re so undemanding (yeah – right. Believe that and you’ll believe anything!). Despite that, they’re great fun, and cause no end of mayhem when they want. Fred’s the worst offender – I can’t run a bath without checking to make sure that he hasn’t slunk into the bathroom, and jumped into the bath!

The first time I realised that the hairball liked water, was just after I’d got him from the rescue centre… I felt something furry ‘round my ankles whilst I was in the shower, and reached down to check what it was…. Only to have the furry thing go meow, and purr at me!

So, I decided to put the cat off having a shower, and grabbed a cat shampoo that I’d got for Ponto (when I could catch him!)... Fred seemed to love every second he was being washed, and the second I stopped, looked disgusted at me and seemed to demand conditioner on his fur! So that ruined THAT idea.

Ponto, on the other hand runs a mile the minute the word ‘bath’ is mentioned, and the few occasions that I’ve been unlucky enough to have to try and wash him, he’s come down the walls like Tom in the classic Tom & Jerry cartoons.

Hmm – looks like I’m about to be given some work to do...

Back later.

Karen.

Do spiders scream when the see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Still bored.

Roll on 17:30. I’m knackered after the weekend, and I could have really done with spending the day in bed, catching up with some much-needed sleep... I did my usual trick, and didn’t settle down to sleep until about 01:00 this morning, as I was reading [Bitten by Kelley Armstrong]. I'ts one off those books that I find very hard to put down...

Grr – just been given some work to do – suppose I’d better get on with it.


Back later… [Possibly]

Karen.

Do spiders scream when the see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Bored [part 3]

What I know about earthmover tyres [apart from they tend to be big and very expensive], you can carve painlessly on my small fingernail – with room to spare! But, thankfully, there are people in the department who know far more than I do about them, and I can quite happily pass the queries onto them.

However, car tyres are a different matter, and I can quite happily discuss the merits of various tyre types, and how they may affect the handling of a car… As you may have guessed, I’m somewhat of a petrol head, and can talk for hours about the latest Formula 1 race, [which tend to be won by a certain M. Schumacher in a Ferrari], or about the performance [or lack of] various road cars…

My own car is a wolf in sheep’s clothing… It looks absolutely standard – until I hit the throttle… Then it lights up, and looks for the nearest ditch to spit me into. But, that’s just the way I like it, and all I can say, is "God help the next owner!"

Rats – inconsiderate customers! Should be a law against them calling me!

Back later...


Karen.

Do spiders scream when the see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Done & dusted...

Sorted. The customers were quite happy, as I’d called them and not the other way ‘round. The tyres will be sent out with the deliveries tomorrow, and they’ll get priority, as they were let down today. I was half expecting one or two to go mad, saying that they had people waiting for these tyres; and that they were going on holiday to the south of France tomorrow, taking the car with them, and that they were going to be getting the 03:00 ferry tomorrow morning, etc.

But what I can’t understand is why people leave getting their car sorted until the last minute? Surely they know that they’re going to need new tyres before they go away? Mind you - I’m a fine one to talk – I’ve still got to renew my car insurance – which runs out whilst I’m away! Still, I can get that sorted later… A quick log on to the relevant website, and I’m all done.

Rats – there goes my ‘phone. Suppose I’d better answer it…

Back later.


Karen.

Do spiders scream when the see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Bored [part 2]

Still bored. It’s at times like this, that I can see where the ideas for series such as The Bastard Operator from Hell: (http://members.iinet.net.au/~bofh/index.html) were gained! But, clock watching will do nothing at all. Well, it will do something – depress me!
There must be an EU directive against torturing staff – especially when we have to deal with idiots on the telephone. Sorry – I mean customers. No, I was right first time. But only for about 25% of the callers – the rest tend to be OK.

Mind you – I’m a tad mystified... How the heck did one of my plants [a Gloxinia] has managed to get greenfly [aphids] on it? Did some pervert bring a pregnant female greenfly into the office, spot my plants and carefully place it on there?

But, at the moment, I’m trying to contact people to let them know that their deliveries won’t be done today, due to heavy traffic... I just hope that they’re ok about it – people tend to get rather upset when they don’t get the tyres for their cars!

Suppose I'd better get on with the calls...

Back later.

Karen.

Do spiders scream when the see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Bored - and wishing I was elsewhere!

Back at work. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of these people that hates their job - far from it. I'm just not in the mood to work! I guess I'm getting into holiday mode, as a week today, I'm on holiday for two whole weeks! I'm going to be spending a week on Jersey [one of the Channel Islands], and I'm really looking forward to it... Don't worry - there will be loads of photographs of the things that I see & do [but none of me - I don't do photographs if I can help it!]

Time to get back to my desk...

Back later.

Karen

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

The day after the night before...

No - I'm not hungover. Just tired. I know what the cynical reader will think "Yeah - pull the other one - you had too much to drink last night." Nothing could be further from the truth - the drink/drive laws here in the UK are too rigidly enforced for me to even consider risking my driving license. Being caught over the limit is a mandatory one year ban, and the social repercussions are horrific - not to mention the financial consequences [goodbye job!].

It's just the mere fact that I didn't get to bed until 03:00 this morning. I wasn't late leaving the reception - I left at 22:30, and got home just after 00:00, but I was too wide awake to sleep, so sat up watching a film on my DVD player - it was Evolution (coming to wipe that silly smile off your planet).

The drive to Nottingham was ok - until I got to the M1. Then I remembered why I hated using that particular road. It seemed that every driver on that road had thrown all lane discipline to the four winds, and insisted on hogging the centre lane [a driver I refer to as a CLOC - Centre Lane Owner's Club] or blasting up on the outside lane, like he/she was racing Michael Schumacher in his Ferrari!

But, the one thing that really irritated me, was the idiotic driver who was in the middle lane, keeping pace with me, and seated exactly where I couldn't see he/she/it in my wing mirror. So, that meant that when I came to over take slower moving vehicles in my lane, I had to accelerate harder than I would have liked, just to get the space to get into the middle lane!

Despite that, I did wonder if I'd inadvertently left the hand brake on. The reason? Simple. I was travelling at about 75mph [the speed limit is 70mph], but I had cars going past me like I was standing still - including cars that I know very well would have been close to their max RPM / speed. Just for the record, at 75mph, my car does approx. 2750RPM (the joys of a digtal dash!)

Once I'd gotten to Nottingham, I then had the joy of trying to locate the registry office. Because I wasn't sure of the address, I called my friend, and asked if he could confirm the address for me. More by luck than judgement, I'd managed to find the place, and as a bonus, there was free parking nearby!

The ceremony was simple, but that didn't detract from the obvious happiness of the couple. After the ceremony, there were the obligatory photographs. I managed to hide for most of them apart from the one of the groom with his friends - I was told that there was no way I was hiding from that photo!

Then, the real fun started. The wedding party headed to the reception, at a local social club. The reception was due to start at 17:00, and we duly arrived just after that time... To find that there was no sign of life! That upset the bride, and the groom was all in favor of finding the responsible person, so he could sort them out, and make them realise just how much they'd upset his princess.

But, the hour was saved by the local pub - the Nag's Head [no - that's not me taking a crafty swipe at the bride or the mother in-law!] who very considerately put the pub at the party's disposal until such time as the social club opened at 19:00.

Once the social club was opened, the party got off to a real swing.. The happy couple had the first dance - to Jennifer Rush's song- The Power of Love. Several of the guests - myself included, were joking about the DJ playing the Frankie Goes To Hollywood version of the song.. The reason? Simple. It has the immortal line Keep the vampires from your door. And, there were six of us [the groom included] who all play vampire / half vampire creatures in various RPG campaigns.

But, despite the late start, it was quite a party.. The bride kept trying to get me to dance - something I cannot do to save my miserable skin! And more to the point, there are some songs that I refuse point blank to dance to - including anything by Wham! or Steps. But, get something like Donna Summer's Hot Stuff on the sound system, and that's it. I'm off to the dance floor - and I don't care if I dance like a eighty year old - I was having fun!

Aside from my pleasure at seeing my friend so happy, I was able to hook up with some old friends, and make some new friends as well, and have been made to promise that I won't leave it so long before I head back up to Nottingham, as well as keeping in touch. That's something I have every intention of doing, but the visit will have to wait until I get back from my holiday, and get things sorted here at home..

Time to log off and bog off - I've got to get the washing done, otherwise I won't have any decent clothes for work tomorrow..

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

In the shadows

OK - I admit it. I'm a Rasmus fan! I have been, ever since I switched on a heavy rock station [Kerrang! FM (availible on http://www.kerrang.com/)], and heard the song In the Shadows... So, me being me, I went and bought the album, and am now succeeding in driving my friends and family scatty with it constantly playing!

I suppose I'd better give you some kind of introduction to myself, and why I decided to start a blog.. My name's Karen, and the reason for the blog? Well, where do I start??

My life got turned upside down on May 24 2004 when I came home from work, and found out that my father had collapsed in the local shopping centre [I still have tremendous trouble going there!], and died later that afternoon in the local hospital's A&E department. So, that left my mother and myself wondering what the hell was going to become of the pair of us.. (Yes, I'm an only child - and I've heard all the comments about being a spoilt brat, thank you very much!)

Things have moved on since then, and Mum and I have slotted into a quiet routine, traveling into work together when our shift patterns allow it.. Mum works about a mile away from me, and usually starts earlier than I do. So if it's my turn to drive, I drop her off at work, then wind my way to my office, and see what has landed in my e-mail in box...

The weekends can be a trying time for me.. Because Mum works alternate weekends, I get left to my own devices, which suits me just fine.. Apart from today. I've got a wedding to go to this afternoon, in Nottingham.

Don't get me wrong - the person getting married is an old friend of mine, and I wish him all the luck in the world. It's just that I really don't feel like driving up the M1 with all that associated hassle, and I can think of other things that I'd rather be doing today. But, I've said I'll go, and it's too late to back out now.

The other thing that is driving me up the wall is my ISP. I keep getting bounced off, whilst trying to get the Windows XP security patch.. Most fustrating. OK - I can understand the reasons, but that doesn't do much for my computer - not when the patch is about 77 Mb!

Ah well, suppose I'd better log off, and bog off.... I've got to get ready for this weeding [sorry - wedding!]

Karen.

Do siders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?