Jokes and or stories…

I’ve been meaning to post a couple of jokes / funny stories that I’ve been told, and if you’re easily offended, I suggest that you skip this next post, as the jokes are, well... Read for yourself!

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.


The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:"Runway too short?"


To which I replied, "I'm late for work."


To which he asked, "What do you do?"


"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.


The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"


"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet." Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"


To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Speeding ticket: £105.00


Court costs: £45


Look on copper's face: Priceless.
Next story / joke:

A teacher gave her class of 11-year-olds an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" Asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

" Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. “

“She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

“Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f** * away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking. "

I make no apologies for these stories – they just appealed to my very warped sense of humor… And before I get complaints about people having heard or read these before – I know! They’re old jokes that keep doing the ‘rounds, but they’re something that has made me laugh, and brightened up my day…

Suppose I’d better get on with some work…

Back later – possibly.

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath