Revenge of the cue ball.. And other jokes

I make no apologies for these next two jokes - they had me biting my tongue trying not to laugh whilst I was at work...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little b'stard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue-ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh!t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Ok - call me warped, but this next one was the killer as far as I was concerned...

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this. To anyone with kids of any age, whether at home or at work, here's some advice.

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically-correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world (well ... Almost everywhere in the real world).

1. 
   
   Life is not fair - get used to it!
2. 
   
   The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
3. 
   
   You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
4. 
   
   If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
5. 
   
   Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
6. 
   
   If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
7. 
   
   Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So, before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try de-lousing the closet in your own room.
8. 
   
   Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
9. 
   
   Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
10. 
    
    Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
11. 
    
    Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
    

Time to call this entry quits - I've got work to do....

Back later, if I get the chance.

Karen.

Don't let the b'stards get you down