Another joke

Well, the jokes are coming in thick and fast today, so this is the second one that I’ve decided to post, as it just appealed to my twisted sense of humour…

I make no apologies for it – it’s made me laugh.

Enjoy.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

***********************************

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over… I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.


Love you,
Vinnie

Explanation of the Iraq War Enquiry.

I make no apology for this – I’ve copied it straight from the BBC website, as I feel that it sums up this enquiry correctly, and will explain what my later posts are about.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


*******************

The key points of the Iraq war inquiry explained

Tony Blair is appearing at the Iraq Inquiry in the most high-profile
session since proceedings began three months ago.

What is the remit of the inquiry?

It is looking at events between 2001 and 2009, covering the decision to go to war, whether troops were properly prepared, how the conflict was conducted and what planning there was for its aftermath. Ministers say the terms of reference are unprecedented in their breadth while inquiry chairman Sir John Chilcot says he will not shirk from apportioning blame where he sees fit. 179 British service personnel were killed in Iraq between 2003 and 2009. Tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians died over the period, though estimates vary considerably.

Who has given evidence so far?

During the first two months, the inquiry heard from senior diplomats, civil servants and military commanders involved in the build-up to war, the military campaign itself and the aftermath. Among those giving evidence were Sir Christopher Meyer, UK ambassador to the United States between 1997 and 2003, Sir Jeremy Greenstock, the UK's ambassador to the United Nations at the time of the Iraq invasion, Admiral Lord Boyce, Chief of the Defence Staff between 2001 and 2003 and Sir John Scarlett, chairman of the Joint Intelligence Committee at the time. In recent weeks, the inquiry has heard from ministers and other senior figures at No 10 such as former foreign secretary Jack Straw and No 10 communications director Alastair Campbell. It has also taken evidence from a Foreign Office lawyer who quit in protest at the war and from Lord Goldsmith, the former attorney general who advised ministers that the war was lawful.

What are witnesses being asked about?

Areas covered early on included the development of UK policy towards Iraq between 2001 and 2003 and UK-US relations over the period. There has been scrutiny of the intelligence available on weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and its influence on decisions taken by ministers as well as events at the UN in the run-up to war, including the negotiation of UN resolution 1441. This gave Iraq a "final opportunity" to disarm and co-operate with weapons inspectors or face "serious consequences". There has also been significant focus on the legal arguments surrounding the war and whether it was justified without explicit UN authorisation.

Are witnesses testifying on oath?

No they are not, leading some to question the merits of the inquiry. However, all those appearing have been asked to sign a piece of paper saying they gave a "full and truthful" account of events. There is also controversy over the powers of the panel. There are no judges nor QCs on the body, leading many to question whether it has the expertise to question whether the war was legal. But the panel says it will call on relevant legal advice where needed.

What are proving to be the controversial points?

Critics of the Iraq war argue the Bush administration had effectively decided to remove Saddam Hussein by force by the middle of 2002, that the UK was aware of this and had offered its support. Former Prime Minister Tony Blair has always denied this but Sir Christopher Meyer, the UK's man in Washington at the time, highlighted in his evidence a private meeting between the two men in April 2002, after which Mr Blair began to talk publicly about regime change. Sir David Manning said Mr Blair signalled his intention to back regime change but urged President Bush to get UN authorisation for it. Alastair Campbell said Mr Blair wrote private notes to President Bush during 2002 suggesting the UK would ultimately take part in military action if diplomatic efforts failed. These have not been published.

What will Tony Blair be asked about?

The former prime minister is facing six hours of questioning in the first public scrutiny of his record over Iraq. Mr Blair is set to be asked whether he gave any private assurances to President Bush that he would support military action come what may and whether he approved of US policy of regime change. He is also likely to be asked about comments he made in December appearing to suggest he would have backed military action even if he had known Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction. There will also be detailed questions about why he said there was no doubt Saddam had weapons of mass destruction.

When is Gordon Brown appearing?

The inquiry initially said the prime minister and other ministers with ongoing responsibility for Iraq would appear after the election. However, after pressure from the opposition, Mr Brown made clear he would be willing to appear at any time. As a result, Sir John Chilcot has asked him to appear next month and Mr Brown has said he is "happy" to do so.

How did the inquiry begin

The inquiry officially began in July. Sir John and the four other panel members met some of the families of the 179 UK personnel killed in Iraq between 2003 and 2009 as well as former and current serving personnel. During the meetings, several relatives of those killed criticised the decision to go to war, saying the British people had been lied to about the threat posed by Iraq. Sir John and his fellow panel members also spent weeks examining thousands of relevant documents from across government. However, there has been criticism that some documents have not been declassified, meaning that although the inquiry can view them they cannot be made public.

Can the public see the hearings?

Sir John has said it is "essential" that as much of the inquiry as possible is held in public. Gordon Brown was heavily criticised for initially suggesting it would mainly take place in private, for national security reasons. In what critics said was an embarrassing U-turn, he later said it was up to Sir John to decide how it should proceed. Hearings are taking place in public unless there are compelling reasons of national security not to do so. Currently there has been just one private session with General Sir John Reith, the commander who oversaw the invasion.

This is not the first inquiry into Iraq, is it?

No. There have already been four separate inquiries into aspects of the Iraq conflict. In 2003, the Commons Foreign Affairs Committee and the joint Parliamentary Intelligence and Security Committee both looked into the intelligence used to justify the war. The Hutton inquiry, in January 2004, examined the circumstances surrounding the death of scientist and weapons adviser Dr David Kelly. The Butler inquiry, in July 2004, looked once again at the intelligence which was used to justify the war.

How long will the latest probe take?

Due to the number of hearings planned and the number of documents to be considered, the Inquiry says it may not publish its findings before 2011. The opposition is angry it will not report before the general election, which must be held by June.

Christian Humour worth the read

Occasionally, I get a really funny, clean joke - and this is one of those rare occasions.

Enjoy.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

********************************************

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.


They moused.


They faxed.


They e-mailed.


They e-mailed with attachments.


They downloaded.


They did spreadsheets.


They wrote reports.


They created labels and cards.


They created charts and graphs.


They did some genealogy reports .


They did every job known to man.


Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?

God just shrugged and said,





JESUS SAVES....

“Bee Wing” Impact

A term given to the type of impact damage that my windscreen has suffered. Again. This is the second screen that has been damaged in the past 7 months, and to be honest, I’m more than a tad fed up. Simply because it’s dratted inconvenient to get Auto Glass (who are very good) to come out and have a look at the damage.

The worst part is, with this grotty weather, the road surfaces are breaking up, meaning that you get more stones / boulders available, which means that you run the risk of more screen damage.

I wouldn’t complain so much if the money that I fork out to the government for the “Road Fund” for my car (£175.00) was used to maintain the roads, but somehow I get the feeling that the motorist is just a convenient source of revenue – in effect a “cash cow” to subsidise things the more “fashionable” things.

Ok – maybe the motorist isn’t a saint, but I object to being charged “Road Fund Licence” when the money is certainly not spent repairing the roads.

Ah well - guess I should call this quits - I'm supposed to be working, not blogging, but I'm suffering TNFI - and it's only Monday!

Back later...

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Chilling out with a Film – and the historical implications…

Well, Mum is on the road to recovery. What makes me say this? Simple. We walked around Solihull on Saturday (ok – I admit there were lots of little pauses) but she managed it. Ok – she didn’t drive – I did – but it’s an improvement.

Saturday night was a quiet one for me – no plans to head out on the town or anything daft like that – so I settled down with a film – The Great Escape with Steve McQueen as the “Cooler King”.

It’s the sort of film that got me thinking, and strangely enough, whilst I was coming into work this morning, I heard an interview with Andy Wiseman, who was a POW at Stalag Luft III.

I’ve pasted the article from the Radio 4 website, as I found the interview very thought provoking.

Karen


Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

**********************************************

This week, a group, including relatives of the survivors and young RAF recruits, retrace the 1,000-mile march which followed the evacuation of the Great Escape camp, Stalag Luft III, and which resulted in the death of 200 POWs.


Andy Wiseman, a former POW at the camp and a veteran of the Long March, tells his extraordinary story.

I was born in Berlin in 1923, so that makes me 87. My father was Polish, my mother was American. They were both Jewish, so I'm Jewish too. I went to a German school. I saw the rise of Hitler, experienced my first anti-semitism and we left Germany in 1934 for Poland.

In August 1939 my father decided to send me to England. I volunteered for the Royal Air Force for flying duties, bombed a few targets in Europe and got shot down on 18 April 1944 over France. Bailed out, lost three members of my crew and walked through bits of France for a few days.

Then I was picked up by the Gestapo and ultimately finished up at the most famous of RAF camps in Germany, Luft III, the scene of the Great Escape.

There was no point in getting killed at five minutes to midnight
Andy Wiseman

The Great Escape had taken place about three weeks before I got into the camp. The camp was shocked by the murder of the 50 officers who had escaped and had been caught by the Germans.

Until then, escapes were a game. You escaped, you got caught, you came back, your friends waved and cheered you up. You went into solitary confinement, you came out, you got more cheers and you planned the next escape.

The Germans announced that, from then onwards, all escapees would be shot. And there was a great argument whether one should carry on escaping or not. But gradually the camp went back to normal.

One of the things that was quite good in the camp, we listened to the BBC, unofficially. It was read to each hut once a day, so we knew what was going on.

We knew that the Russians were approaching, getting nearer, and we argued with the German camp commandant that we wanted to stay in the camp and wait for the Russians to liberate us.

And then came 25 January 1945 when the German camp commandant announced we had two hours to leave the camp. It was one of the coldest nights of the year. Temperatures were between -22 and -25 centigrade. We had no boots, no gloves, no hats: we were dressed in whatever we had.

The experience of the long march varied tremendously. Some people had a very very very tough time, with dysentery, with frostbite with diphtheria. Others had not so bad a time.

I think march is the wrong word, its not the long march anyway, it's the long shuffle.

You just followed into the footsteps of the guy in front of you. You bowed your head because snow was falling, and somebody said, if you bow your head as you walk or shuffle, you'd be less affected by the wind coming at you.

You didn't talk because that was an effort. You concentrated on walking. You concentrated on putting your foot into the footmark in the snow of the person in front of you. You didn't think.

Obviously the most important person on the long march was you. You were also looking after the people who had become the nearest and dearest. So you helped.

You concentrated on putting your foot into the footmark in the snow of the person in front of you
Andy Wiseman

It became more and more difficult. People fainted, Germans threatened to shoot them if they didn't march, so you helped them. You helped them to the best of your ability.

Some German guards were reasonably nice, others were real bastards. Again, it depended.

As the march went on, day after day after day, night after night after night, the column got longer and longer and longer.

You lost some of your friends. You lost all your friends. And when you finished up in a school or a church or a glass factory, you spent some time walking around looking around to see whether there was anyone there you knew.

Sometimes slept in the open, sometimes in churches, sometimes in schools. It was totally disorganised.

German civilian reaction to us differed. There were some villages where people came out with water and bread and we gave them cigarettes. There were villages where people threw stones at us. They were varied and you never knew what going on.


The long march brought to the fore qualities that you never knew you had. If somebody had said to me you will go on a long march for days on end at temperatures of minus 25, I'd have said, "You're mad, I'm not going to do it."

When it came to it, you did it, because the alternative was death. And there was really no point in getting killed at five minutes to midnight.

My group were taken south of Berlin and there we were liberated by the Russians in April before Berlin had fallen. And there I had the time of my life because I think I was the only RAF officer who spoke Russian, so I became tremendously important. I argued with Soviet generals, spoke to Soviet officers. I was fully occupied.

The Russians kept us there for a month. Then we were taken by lorries to Torgau and from there to Brussels and flown from there in Lancasters to Britain.

I came back to England in May 45, I married within a few weeks. I had a fiancé that I refused to marry during the war because I thought I wouldn't survive it.

I joined the BBC fairly soon afterwards, which having been aircrew and having been prisoner of war helped no end, vis-à-vis the administrators who hadn't had the experience.

What the long march taught me, and I go on long marches with current RAF people, is that cometh the hour cometh the man. There is no such thing "I can't do it" there is no such thing "its impossible".

Have a go and you'd be amazed what you can do. If you see a barrier, don't turn around and pretend it isn't there, you've got to get over it or under it, there's no other way of living.

And you can learn more about the RAF's retracing of the Long March at http://www.raf.mod.uk/longmarch/

Friday afternoon giggles

This got sent to me by a good friend - I make no apologies for posting it -it's made me giggle this afternoon.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

***********************************************************

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer MY ROLEX!"

Being preached at (part 2)

Well, I’m back, and it wasn’t as bad as I’d feared. It was informative (to a point), but as I do most of the things that were recommended, it was really a waste of my time.

I get the feeling that the poor guy doing the course was a bit worried, as I openly said that I did do the “eco driving” as I find that it helps the fuel economy on the 207…

But, it was a tad unfair of me, especially as he was from IAM fleet (and I am a member of the IAM – talk about preaching to the choir where I am concerned!) Even so, I was still able to pick up one useful tip – and that was to lock the seatbelts in the rear of the car across the slabs when I don’t have a rear passenger (something I try to avoid!) to make sure that my stuff in the boot doesn’t go flying lessons in the event of an accident.

Aside from that, I wasn’t too impressed, but as I had to go – I guess that it was just a skive… Especially as I’ve now completed the work that I had to do. Thank God. Now all I have to do is avoid getting caught for anything before I make a break for freedom at 17:00…

Back tomorrow.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Corporate preaching

Is something that really annoys me. I don’t object to training, but there are some things that I really find objectionable – and one is being preached at with regards to how I drive.

The worst part is, I have to spend 1 ½ hours being preached at, when I have other things that need doing. It’s to do with “green motoring”, and reading thought the ten points that we are given, I can find fault with most of them.

Points like:

Use air conditioning only when necessary. What about those of us that have climate control in the car? That only runs when it needs to!

Use engine braking. Most people don’t have the foggiest, and I seem to recall from when I was learning to drive, that it was an instant fail if you did that, as you were deemed “not to be in control of the vehicle” as well as the comment that it’s cheaper to replace brake pads that the clutch.

Check your tyre pressures. Most people don’t have the foggiest what the tyre pressure should be, and never check the pressure – I at least check mine, and know what the pressure should be for normal loads (2.3 bar front & 2.5 bar rear)

Needless to say, I can see that I’m not exactly going to be popular, but to be honest, I really don’t want to do this damned course, but I’ve been told that I am doing it. The only way that I can escape, is to go sick, or book a day’s holiday (which I get the feeling will be refused!)

Ah well, back to the grindstone.

Back later, if I get the chance…

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

“Jail Break” (Or Getting Mum out of the fleapit)

Well, as I type this, Mum is at home, and out of that fleapit of a hospital. The discharge process was a farce, and to be honest, I am glad to have Mum back home. Don’t get me wrong – I know she needed the operation, and am glad that it has been done, but the standards were…. Scarily lax.

The gel dispenser that I’d reported being empty yesterday was still empty, and I walked in with one of the office minions that seemed to be based on the ward. She walked straight in to her office, ignoring the notices about using this gel, even though the damned dispenser was on the wall by the door of the office!

If you needed a wheelchair to get a patient out, there were none available on the ward, and it was a case of “go find one yourself”. I did – and I was lucky, because there were only three left!

Thankfully, I was able to park in the drop off area, and go and wheel Mum out to the car (she managed to get in with relative ease – could be something to do with all the practise that she has had!)

Now all we have to do is make sure that the district nurse turns up tomorrow, as Mum needs to have the dressing on her wounds changed daily – but if I'm honest, I don’t hold out much hope…

Guess I should call this quits – I need to get some sleep.

Back when I get the chance…


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Visiting Mum in “jail”

That was what this dratted hospital reminded me of. That and the fact that the so-called infection control seems to be non-existent.

At the entrance to the wards, there are pumps that dispense this grotty alcohol free anti-microbial gel. I went to use the one that was outside the ward, only to find that it was empty. So, as I entered the ward area, I found another dispenser, liberally coated my hands and told one of the auxiliaries that seemed to be doing very little.

“Ok – I’ll get that sorted out”

No worries there – or so I thought. I located where Mum was (she looked pretty good, all things considering), and sorted out a seat for myself. Now I know from past experience that when I have been to visit Mum in hospital, it was almost a hanging offence to sit either on the bed, or the chair that was beside the bed, as there were chairs in the day room that visitors were supposed to use.

This time, I could have sat on Mum’s bed without anything being said to me. Not a good indication as far as I could see for infection control. Then the sadists turned up (sorry – I mean physiotherapists).

Now when Mum had her hip sorted out, it was a rule that no patient was allowed out of bed without putting slippers on. This time? Mum could have walked all over the ward in bare feet, and not one person would have said a damned thing to her.

Add into this mix, the mere fact that it was a good thing that Mum had taken some of her own medication into hospital with her, and you get the impression that I am less than impressed with the standards that I have seen. It turns out, that no medication has been sorted for Mum, despite the fact that she gave the pre-operative clinic all the information.

I made my escape, and on the way out, checked the dispenser that had been empty as I entered the ward, and found that it was still empty. To be honest, the sooner I can get Mum back home, the better. I really don’t want her staying in that fleapit of a hospital any longer than is absolutely necessary.

Guess I should call this quits – I’ve got to call the playpen and see if I can book some extra time off, as I don’t have the foggiest idea when Mum is going to be allowed home.

Back later, if I get the chance.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Leaving Mum

Well, I’ve just dropped Mum off at the hospital. What a depressing place. You can tell that the architect used to design prisons…

The car park was easy to find – once you knew where the hell you were aiming for. It’s almost like the disabled car park location is a state secret. Mum and I found where she was supposed to go, and got checked in by the nurse.

As per normal, Mum hadn’t had the results of the MRSA test (I read the admission card – she’d tested negative) and there was little information about her medication (despite the fact that she’d given the pre-admission clinic a complete printout from the GP as well as writing it out!)

Because there was no point me hanging around, I headed for home, via the nearby Tesco, as there were several things that I wanted to pick up whilst Mum was in hospital – milk, bread and potatoes.

That was where the fun started. As the weather has been somewhat inclement (ok – it’s snowed here, and the roads that haven’t been gritted are like skating rinks) the car park was just a sea of white. No indication of the parking bays or anything else. God help you if you were unsteady on your feet, because it was lethal underfoot as well.

The store itself looked like it had been hit by locusts – there was very little fresh fruit or vegetables, but I guess that it could have been due to the time that I was there – just after 08:30, but equally, it could have been due to the fact that the delivery truck hadn’t made it.

Honestly, it does make you wonder at times. Two flakes of snow, and the entire country grinds to a halt, and you get panic buying at the supermarket. Well, that’s something I won’t be indulging in – I’ve got everything I need, and if not – well I'm sure that I can do without for a couple of days.

Back tomorrow – I want to try and get some sleep…

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

After the Holiday – and looking forward to the New Year

Well, it’s back to the playpen for me. But only for about 2 ½ days, as the powers that be seem to have been supping on the Christmas spirit. Not that I'm complaining at all – the only thing that is bothering me is boredom.

Yes – boredom. Simply because most sensible people are on holiday, and I’ve got very little to do – apart from surf the web, and plan what I'm going to do whilst Mum is in hospital (ok – that’s only an overnight stay) and generally trying (and succeeding) in avoiding work.

Smeg – looks like someone has found me something to do…

Back when I get the chance…

Karen


Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Getting over Christmas and going to the Sales…

As Christmas day was on a Friday, and Boxing day was on a Saturday, I’ve had today off as my “Boxing Day”.

That suits me down to the ground, as it meant that I could go shopping in Solihull with Mum, so that she can get the last minute stupid bits and pieces before she goes into hospital on Wednesday.

But that wasn’t the only reason that I was happy… It meant that I could visit my favourite shop (Lush) and stock up on the Christmas stuff (it’s limited edition and I adore most of it, and miss certain products really badly when I’ve used them up!).

But, I have to admit that I was really lucky when I went into the Solihull store. Lush are having their post Christmas sale, and it was a case of “Spend £20 and get either a grab bag worth £20 with a selection of things in it or choose from a selected range of gifts”. The grab bag wasn’t really an option for me – it would be just my luck to get things like the Strawberry Santa shower jelly that I really hate (but that’s only because I hate strawberry!)

So, I indulged my passion, and got more than I’d expected – as in I managed to get two gifts! (Yes – I spent just over £40, but that was a real stock up, as I’d run out of most of the stuff that I use!)

But Christmas itself was a really good time – Mum was overjoyed with the waist bag that I got her from Kipling

I didn’t realise that she could use it either as a waist bag or a shoulder bag – bonus as far as I am concerned!

Me? Well I did ok – including a fabulous washable suede coat. Yes – you read that correctly – a washable suede coat.

Plus, I also got a pair of beautiful cobalt blue washable suede gloves. They’ll go brilliantly with my back coat, so I am one happy little tigger at the moment.

My Secret Santa was also something that I really appreciated – two packs of Taylors Hot Lava Java coffee. Yes – I do like my coffee, and I will make a point of drinking it, as whoever bought that for me has taken the time to get me something that I would appreciate.

The only gloomy point over my Christmas break, was the fact that I didn’t see my beloved, but the weather was so bad, I really didn’t want him risking travelling up. But, that will be rectified soon enough, as I'm seeing him on January 2nd, so that’s something for me to look forward to.

Ah well, guess I should call this quits – I'm due back to the playpen tomorrow.

Back when I get the chance.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Finalising Christmas presents and other rants

What is it about Christmas that makes people rush around like maniacs, buying more food and booze than they normally buy, and buy complete tasteless tat for Christmas presents?

I only mention this, because me being dumb realised that I’d not bought my Secret Santa present. So, I nipped into the local Sainsbury’s, to get the required gift. And what sights I saw.

More food and booze being bought than enough – I got the feeling that people are taking the three days off between Christmas and New Year, and will be just sitting in their armchairs feeding their faces with junk food and booze.

Why do I say this? Simple. Most of the stuff that I saw being loaded into trolleys was junk food – biscuits, crisps, etc as well as cases of booze. I could understand people stocking up, if they had family coming over, but surely they would have bought things like milk, bread, fruit and vegetables?

Maybe that’s just me being old fashioned, but it’s one of the things that I really dislike about Christmas. Mind you, I’ve got the perfect hat – it’s black and white, in the shape of a Santa hat, and says “BAH HUMBUG”

So, as you’ve guessed it, I'm really in the Christmas spirit. Not. But, I guess this will change on Boxing Day,as I'm going to see my Godsprog and her family. The only request (or should that be order) that the little monster has made is to my Mum – she’s asked Mum if she can make her a fresh Raspberry flan. Amber has been really generous as well – she said that she may even share it with Mum – greedy little monster.

But aside from that, I’ve now sorted my Secret Santa gift – it’s now on the desk with the rest of the stuff that people have bought – I'm dreading finding out what mine is….

Back later, if I get the chance.

If not – MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Bowling…

Well, the bowling was good fun, and I admit, I can’t bowl to save my life. Or that was until I was given an idea…

One of my colleagues suggested that I visualised the pins as the person I most hated, and then just let the ball do the damage. Well, put it like this – it worked – to the extent that my colleagues were speculating as to who I was aiming at!

I won’t reveal who I was aiming at, but the technique seemed to work for me - until I got to the point where I realised that I’d gotten rid of all the hatred / anger / frustration that had been working for me…. Damn.

But, it was a good night out, and I guess I should call this quits – I'm back in the playpen tomorrow.

Back tomorrow.

Karen


Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Getting the news

Well, I’ve had the ‘phone call that I have been waiting for. Mum’s got to go back into hospital to have all the metalwork in her right leg removed.

It turns out that Mum should have had this metalwork removed when she had the first part of the broken screw removed back in 2006. But, hindsight is a wonderful thing, and at least the surgeon is going to get Mum sorted out.

He said that the one piece of screw is making a break for freedom (again) and the Russell Taylor nail that is in her right femur has dropped down slightly, straightening the bent screw. In a way, this isn’t such a bad thing, but the nail runs the risk of eventually dropping down on to the knee cap and causing problems.

Because this needs sorting, the surgeon has put in the notes that the metalwork is causing an infection, and that Mum needs to be treated as an urgent case. She had the option of going into hospital next week, but she has decided that she will go in on Wednesday 6th January.

Ok – that’s not a problem, as I’ve booked the time off (there is no way that I am going to allow anyone else to take Mum into hospital) and it should only be an overnight stay, and I have no intention of being in the playpen whilst Mum is in hospital – I was nearly worse than useless when she had the partial hip replacement.

But, as far as I am concerned, she’s in the best hands possible – she’s seeing the sawbones that put her back together after the car accident, and that’s all I can ask for, as the guy is a human being first and a surgeon second. Now I know that sounds really mean, but I’ve had the misfortune to be treated by surgeons who are only interested in the bit that is being treated – they tend to forget that there is a patient attached.

Ah well, guess I should get some work done before I log off (and go bowling)

Back tomorrow with the results of the bowling….

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

London gets snow, and the whole world panics

As you can tell, I’m not exactly a fan of London. There are other parts of the UK that get snow every year, but there is very little fuss made. One flake of snow hits London, and the media goes into meltdown (forgive the pun).

It wouldn’t be so bad if the same criteria was applied to other areas, but no. It’s almost as if other parts of the country don’t matter.

Aside from that particular grump, I’ve had the last two days of my holiday. I’m not saying that I am now all sorted, and ready for Christmas – (Bah Humbug!) but it could be an awful lot worse – I could still have presents to get. Ok – I’ve got one left – my secret Santa gift.

This annual ritual of torment isn’t too bad for me this year, as the person I’ve got to buy for is relatively easy (and I’ve avoided getting the department bitch – don’t think she’d have appreciated the large clockwork key or a sugar dummy!)

Ah well, guess I should get some work done, but I’m suffering from TNFI…

Back later.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Another day, another joke…

There are some things that are too good to not to post – and this is one of them. I make no apologies – it was sent to me by a colleague.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


****************************

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez it’s only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers, Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bull’s eye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila.

Now you’re taking the squeak!

There are some rules that are beyond comprehension, and one of them deals with insurance. I’ve had to tell the company that provides the insurance for my car, that I now have asthma.

What the hell this has to do with them is beyond me. Ok – I understand that it may impact my driving, but considering as there is a damned good chance that I have had this condition for the past 4 years…

Ok – it’s not too much of a gripe – my insurance premium hasn’t been affected. Yet. But I am now wondering what this going to do to my renewal figure for next year. Thank god that I’ve only just renewed – it gives me time to get things settled down, with regards to my treatment.

But that’s not the only thing that is getting to me at the moment. What is also getting to me, are people who call me on my mobile, and when the voice mail kicks in (usually because I can’t answer the phone) they don’t leave me a message and my phone lists it as a missed call.

It’s not rocket science. All I ask, is that if I don’t answer my phone for whatever reason, please leave me a voice mail, so that I can find out what the hell the call was for.

Ah well, guess I should call this quits – I'm supposed to be working, but I’ve got TNFI again…

Back later


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

They walk amongst us

Sometimes, this is all that needs to be said.

Enjoy.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

***********************************************************

IDIOT SIGHTING #1

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty pence piece.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING #2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,

'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since.

Happened in Moor Park ,Nr Watford UK


IDIOT SIGHTING #3

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Potters Bar , Herts , UK



IDIOT SIGHTING #4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From South Oxney Herts , UK ...



IDIOT SIGHTING #5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened Luton Airport .... UK



IDIOT SIGHTING #6

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's unsafe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Counciller employee in Harrow , Middlesex , UK


IDIOT SIGHTING #7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the fitter/mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK .



STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!