When the pieces start to fit...

That's how I feel after spending a weekend in Hemel with my best friend. I'd agreed to go and see him and his family and the idea was that I would aim to get to the service area on the A41 (yes - the same one that I overshot when I went down there the first time!) for about 15:30 on Saturday afternoon...

As luck would have it, I got clear of the hairdresser's a lot faster than I'd expected (almost as if someone had whispered in Paul's ear that I wanted to get moving) and so was able to let my friend know that I was clear a lot earlier than expected!

He was still at Thames Valley Harley Davidson getting the bike sorted out, and finding out the reason that the bike has an oil leak... The engine cowling is very slightly distorted, thus allowing the bike to leak...

So, I had plenty of time to get something to eat before heading home to grab a shower (simply because I was covered in short hairs from my haircut, and they were driving me scatty.)

That meant that I was on the road south at 13:15! It was a reasonable run south, and I will admit to having a little bit of a heavy right foot whilst I was on the M40 (like about 85mph...)

But that was before I got to the roadworks - which have got a heavily enforced 50mph speed limit - the rotten sods have nasty speed cameras on that section - and I had no intention of getting nicked for speeding!

I called my friend as agreed when I was in Aylesbury (the message was along the lines of ... I'm Aylesbury, and they're all trying to kill me - they keep aiming at me!) and as I didn't hear anything, assumed that he was still on the bike.

I kept on heading towards Hemel, and I will admit to keeping the car under the speed limit - as in I was doing 60mph instead of the usual 75 - 80 mph, as I wasn't sure where the service turn was..

I could recall that it was after a bridge and on a downhill stretch, but that wasn't a lot of help as most of the road is downhill, and there were quite a few bridges...

The turning came up, and I was muttering darkly about the sharpness of the turning, as it meant that I was having to brake and steer at the same time - not a good move, considering the fact that I'm not really happy with the tyres on my car... But, as I pulled into the car park, I had a lovely surprise... My friend was there, complete with the bike!

He was really surprised, and said that he'd only just finished putting his stuff in the boxes on the bike, and had just been about to call me. He said that I must have been hammering it from Aylesbury, and didn't believe me when I said that I'd been taking it easy...

I will admit to laughing, and we headed to his home, with him leading. I could tell he was enjoying being out on the bike, and decided to give up when he gave the bike a bit of throttle.

Ok - it's a big bike, but the power to weight ratio still wipes the floor with the Peugeot (much as it galls me to admit it!), and he also did his favorite thing - he opened the throttles on the bike when we were going under two bridges which form a semi tunnel..

I could hear the roar of the engine over my stereo and I was less than impressed - I much prefer listening to Gary Moore without the accompaniment of a Harley engine!

We got to his home, and I parked the car on the lawn (his suggestion before I get comments about female drivers!) and was able to veg out before we went to the speedway. . .

Because I'd started to relax, my shoulder decided that it was time to remind me that I'd over done things, and started to hurt like hell. So, I took a couple of pain killers and didn't think anymore of it - until I realised that they weren't working!

Speedway. What can I say apart from WOW! My friend had described it as a minute of pure lunacy - and he wasn't wrong! It was a good meeting, with the home team winning quite comfortably.

The trip back after the speedway wasn't very comfortable for me, but that was because the painkillers weren't working, and I will admit to trying to meditate on the way back in order to quieten the pain...

It seemed to work a bit, and I was only too glad to be able to sit down without getting bounced around like a small rubber ball - the roads around Hemel leave a lot to be desired!

We sat chatting for a bit, and then I settled down to get what sleep I could, given the fact that I was in an awful lot of pain. I woke up at 03:00, and took some more pills, and was woken quite gently at about 09:00 by my friend.

He admitted that he was a bit apprehensive about waking me, as I apparently had my right hand curled into a fist, and he was worried I would take a swipe at him!

I went and had a shower, as my hair was sticking up and out in all directions, and then headed for the gallery in Wendover (see http://www.aceshigh-uk.com/) as there was a signing being done by one of the WWII bomber crews.

Whilst he was waiting to get the autographs, I made the most of the time and buzzed off to look for a print of Concorde for my god-sprog's birthday. The little munchkin has been on at me to get her a picture of Concorde ever since she spotted mine. But, the only problem is, mine is the one with the Red Arrows and Concorde, plus it's got all the autographs.

I found a couple of prints of commercial aircraft - a nice on of a B747-classic, and a B767 preparing for take-off, but I knew damned well that if I got either of those, then she would be disappointed, as it wasn't Concorde.

So, I asked if there were any prints available. There were, and the one I liked was £145. It's called Speedbird, and is by a good artist called Simon Atack. (See http://www.aceshigh-uk.com/pinfo/993)

Ok - not a problem if I had being buying the print for me, but Amber is only 5... So I will admit to having reservations about it, and decided to leave it until I'd spoken to Julian, who had said that he would go 50/50 with me on the cost of the print.

We left the gallery, and headed towards home, via the pub! We decided that it was too nice to sit inside, so we took our drinks outside, and sat talking...

We talked about various things, including making plans to get together in November to go 'round the Motorcyle museum in Birmingham (http://www.nationalmotorcyclemuseum.co.uk/), and if I get my way, the Museum of Road Transport in Coventry. (See http://www.transport-museum.com/)

We finished our pints, and went for a walk to see some horses that were in a near-by field. I'd got my stand by treat of polos with me, and unknown to me, whilst I was bribing the horses with polos, my friend was taking 'photos of me on his phone!

The rest of the afternoon passed in a haze of pain for me, as my shoulder was killing me, and I will admit to being uncertain about my ability to drive home. Thankfully, I was able to get home in one piece - even if I did stop in Banbury, as there is no-where safe on the A41 for you to stop and have a break..

So, I guess that this means that I've got to get my shoulder sorted out, but the weekend was a sucess for me in more ways than one - I've been to my first speedway meeting and sorted out things that were bothering me with someone I care for...

Suppose I'd better call this quits - I'm supposed to be working. Well, that's the theory anyway!

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Off to the Motorcycle Museum...

Mum and I have been on about going to the Motorcycle museum for a long time - well before Dad died! But, for whatever reason, we never managed to get around to it - until now.

So, we decided to make a trip up to the museum - and see what they had done to the museum since the devastating fire - and I was wondering if my favourite bike - Slippery Sam had survived...



The museum itself was as good (if not better) than I recalled it, and I have to say that the website doesn't really do the new displays justice... There were also little boxes attached to the wall for donations to help restore / replace some 250 bikes that were damaged or destroyed in the fire.

Whilst I was wandering around the museum, I had a message arrive on my 'phone from my daft hog riding friend..

Hi I bet you're sitting by the telly watching the GP. It's sunny here and I have a monster headache - all my own fault - too much to drink last night...

I sent a reply saying that I was at the motorcycle museum, and I got a surprise when I read the message that he'd sent back...

Oh I wanna go to the motorcyle museum. When you taking me then?

Excuse me - I didn't realise that was on the cards! But, given that he's been kind enough to invite me south again, I think it's the least that I can do is get him back up to my neck of the woods and show him around here...

Guess I should be thinking about doing some w*rk, but I'm suffering from TNFI again...

Back when I get the chance...
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Leaving paw prints on your heart

What is it about a cat? They’re mercenary, aloof and in the case of the Pont, a thug.

However, having said that, he’s been a big part of my life and now he’s dying. It’s not going to be a quick death, but at least it’s going to be painless, according to the vet.

He’s suffering from heart failure, and I will admit to going to pieces when I found out. Despite this, the cat is his normal thuggish self, and seems to take great delight in beating up the neighbourhood dog population.

Last night, he didn’t seem his normal self, even to the extent that he was shivering. (I didn’t even realise that a cat *could* shiver!) So, I did something that I never normally do – I let him sleep under the quilt with me. He stopped shivering, but I didn’t have the heart to turf him out, so I let him stay where he was.

He was almost the perfect bedfellow – didn’t hog the quilt and didn’t invade my space, and snored. But, given the fact that he’s not a well kitty, I guess that I can let that little gripe go.

Mama take this badge off me,
I can't use it any more,
It's getting dark, too dark to see,
Feel I'm knocking on heaven's door.

Guess I should call this quits – I’m supposed to be doing some OTR work, but I’m really not in the mood to do anything…

Back later, if I get the chance...

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

When a lonely heart breaks...

I sent a message to my best friend last night, and the reply I got really upset me, as I knew that there was not a damned thing I could do:

No, not at all - I can't stop crying just sitting in my car listening to my CD. Some songs **** me over tonight more than normal, due to a certain person. I'm hurting and hurting bad and it's all down to one person again. Am I such a bad person? I don't need this **** and I'm so lonely, I just want to be on my own and cry my heart out.
Sorry.

What the hell can you say to a text like that?? I sent a reply saying that I would be at the end of the 'phone if he needed to talk, and left it at that.

When the lonely heart breaks
It's the one that forsakes
It's the dream that we stole
And I'm missing you more
And the fire that will roar
There's a hole in my soul
For you it's goodbye
And for me it's to cry
For whom the bell tolls

 Well, he did take me up on the offer, and elaborated a bit more on the text message that he'd sent to me. It turned out that he was fed up with this one person taking him for granted all the time and that there were other things that were bothering him.

We ended the call as the pair of us needed to get some sleep, but he said that he would call me later today, and let me know that he was ok...

I will admit, hearing him so down really hurt me, and not for the first time, I wished that I was closed to him (in terms of a physical distance) so I could just say "sod it" and go and see him for a while - if only to make him realise that he's not on his own, and that there is someone out here who gives a damn about him.

Time to call this quits - I'm supposed to be working, not blogging.

Back when I get clear of all the crap (I mean work) on my desk....

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Post escape blues...

What is it about a great weekend that leaves you feeling so down?

I met up with my daft hog riding friend after several disasters that were beyond his control, which meant that when we did finally meet, it was a good couple hours later than we had originally planned.

He was more than a little miffed at first, but he seemed to chill out over a pint, and we got talking about various things and then we headed for our overnight stopping point.

We sat talking over dinner about various things, and I will admit wishing that I had answered one question honestly at the time of asking, instead of trying to avoid giving an honest answer, leaving me brooding over what I should have damned well said (which I think is causing me to have the post escape blues!)

Aside from that, the rest of the weekend seemed to go really well, and I know that from now on, whenever I go past a certain pub, I'll remember the weekend that I spent with someone I really care about, and would do anything to help...

Guess I should be doing some work, but to be honest, I really don't have any interest in anything at the moment...

Back when I get the chance...

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Planning another escape...

Well, the ball is rolling and I'm planning another escape. It's with my good friend, and if everything goes to plan, it should be a weekend to remember.

As it stands, I've got time to go and see my Godsprog and see how she's getting on with Kipper (her Shetland pony) as she keeps telling me how well she can get Kipper to do what she wants, and then go and get changed (so I don't stink of horse) and then head into Stratford to meet up with my friend...

Guess I should call this quits - I'm supposed to be working, not blogging!

Back later if I get the chance...

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

"I'd do better if I went to see my bloody VET!"

Needless to say, after the events of yesterday, I am less than happy with the treatment I've been recieving. Ok - I admit that I probably shouldn't be so damned stubborn about having my shoulder operated on, but I get the feeling that the sawbones doesn't have the foggiest what the hell is wrong with my shoulder, or what the best way to treat it it.

I should have guessed that things were going to go wrong, when I got to the hospital yesterday morning, only to be told that the appointment had been cancelled and I was due to attend the clinic on 20/06/06.

The mere fact that I'd not had a 'phone call or a letter went down like a ton of lead bricks, but the receptionist's attitude I couldn't fault. She was disgusted with the service, and said that she would get my notes for me, and make sure that I was seen during the clinic at the time I was supposed to have attended in the first place.

So, it was a case of sit down, and try to avoid the dreaded "numb bum" syndrome. I was called through to the clinic, and a very polite young medical student started taking notes about me and the shoulder problem. It would have been better for him if he'd bothered to read my notes properly, instead of just skimming over them, and missing most of the details.

The first thing that I noticed was the fact that he'd got my age wrong, then asked when I'd had the shoulder operated on. Score 0 points to the student. Once that was sorted, the senior registrar then deemed to see me.

Ok - he was pleasant enough, but when I realised that he was going to jab my shoulder, I wasn't too happy, but agreed to have the jab... That was when the fun started, and I seem to recall feeling really faint, then trying to stand up once the jab had been done, and everything then went black.

I came to, lying on my side on the examining couch, with the clinic's staff nurse looking very concerned. She asked if I had driven to the hospital (I wasn't that dumb - I had a feeling that I might go flat on my chops!)

I then said that I was supposed to go into work after the appointment, which was immediately vetoed, and I was only allowed to call the office provided that she was standing nearby, in case I decided to go and pass out again.

Once I'd made the call, I staggered back to the clinic, and spent the next hour or so, trying to convice the staff nurse that I was fit enought to leave, and that I wasn't dumb enough to try and go into work...

So, it was a case of get home,only to find that the letter from the outpatients appointment services had been delivered! That infuriated me and I was just in the right mood to call them. I spoke to a smarmy female, who gave me no explaination or apology, and said that she would cancel the appointment for 20/06/06, but would leave the one that I had just made for 07/09/06.

After I'd done that, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep - but I wasn't on my own, as the two furry fiends decided that I needed company, and curled up on the bed with me.

Don't get me wrong, I was grateful of their company, but I got a nip from the Pont, simply because I moved him from one side of the bed to the other - I didn't really want to have to climb over the cat if I was going to head to the bathroom to throw up!

Guess I should think about loging on to the system, so I can do some work...

Back when I get the chance...

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Back to the sawbones... and still no joy.

As I type this, I am in agony, so it's going to be a very brief post.

Suffice to say that I've been back to the sawbones, had yet another cortisone shot in the joint, and have gone sick as I passed out.

Back tomorrow - I'm starting to feel really sick again...

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Worrying for a friend...

Well, my daft hog riding friend is safely back in the UK, but he seems to have draw an unlucky straw...

His Mum hasn't been too well recently, and I will admit to wondering what was wrong, until I got the following message from him:

Sorry I ain't been in touch - my Mum's not well again and back to hospital. Speak soon...

As soon as I read that, my heart sank, and I sent him a message to say that I was thinking of him, and hoped that his Mum was ok...

The reply that I got nearly caused me to burst into tears...

Just read your message - it's made me cry. It should be me that is thanking you for being my friend - I have never had a friend like you ever, and I never ever want to lose you. God bless you and thanks for the strength x

But the message I got this evening really scared me. I got a message from him, asking me to call him as soon as I could - I did so, and the news was not something I wanted to hear. His Mum had suffered a heart attack, and he was racing down the M1 to get to the hospital in north London, where she had been taken to.

I will admit it was a brief conversation, as he wanted to keep his 'phone free so that his Dad could call him if need be, and I asked him to let me know that he was at the hospital safe, and if he could, just let me know how his Mum was...

He sent me a quick message to say that he was at the hospital ok, and I will admit to not being able to sleep until I heard my 'phone chirp. I'd got a message from my friend.

It turned out that his Mum was going to have bypass surgery, and that it had been somewhat touch and go, but that she was in the best place that she could be.

Ok - I admit that at this moment in time, there's not a lot I can do, but if I can provide a shoulder to lean on, it should (I hope) make things a little easier for him to bear...

Through these fields of destruction
Baptism of fire
I've witnessed all your suffering
As the battles raged higher
And though they did hurt me so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

Time to call this quits - I need to be seen to be doing some work - not blogging!

Back later if I get the chance...

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Escaping on the 'Hog...

And no - it's not me. It's my best mate. The lucky sod has gone to Ireland for the European Hog ralley, and has been sending me little messages to let me know how he's getting on...

The first one arrived on my 'phone at 11:25...

Just stopped for lunch and a pee break - it's f*****g freezing! Speak soon.

Diddums. What I didn't realise was that he'd left home at 04:30, and that was the reason for the early lunch break!

The second message made me smile:-

Hey you, on board ship out on top deck in the sun but leavin' late. Take care.

Rather him than me - I hate boats - the smallest swell has me hanging over the edge of the boat throwing up, and being generally very unwell. But, I will admit that I wish that I was able to go with him as it sounded like it was going to be a real scream...

He sent me a third message just before 21:00 to let me know that the group had arrived in Wexford ok, and that things seemed to be ok, and then I got a final message after midnight, asking me if I could call him...

Not a problem, and we had a quick chat, as he was shattered and I had to be at work this morning.

But, at least I know he's ok, and he's promised to show me the pictures when he gets back, as he said that the bikes were incredible...

Guess I should get on with some w*rk, but I'm still half asleep, and suffering from a severe case of TNFI...

Back later - if I'm still awake!

Karen.
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

When a world turns upside down...

And it's not mine this time. It's Julian's. His parter has been diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma, and he called me whilst I was on my lunchbreak, having just recieved the news.

The poor guy is devastated, and to be honest, it's knocked me for six as well, as his partner has always been really fit and healthy - or so I thought. Just goes to prove that appearances can be decieving.

But, at the end of the day, all I can do is be at the end of a 'phone and escape to see them at the weekend to make sure that they're ok, and try and make the pair of them laugh...

Time to call this quits - I need to get this call on my mobile.

Back when I get the chance....

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Someone knows how to make me smile...

This got sent to me and I will admit it did make me smile, as some of the sentiments are reather apt....

Enjoy.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command:C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

------------------

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Free Sex Plus and Clean house 2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.

Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbo Strop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Signed,

Unlucky

------------------
Dear Unlucky:

C'est la vie!

Tech Support

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Soreness and stiches

Mum came home on Friday afternoon, and was quite well considering the operation was only in the morning...

Admittedly, she didn't feel like eating very much, but I was just glad to have her back home, and I know that the furry fiends were glad to have her back as well...

She seems ok in herself, and has said that the sawbones came to see her before she was discharged, and told her that the operation had gone quite well, and that the wound was very deep.

Not surprising really, when you consider that the screw had made it's break for freedom through the bone in her right leg, and then migrated outwards and upwards through the muscle layers, and the only thing keeping it in place was her skin!

Ok - I know that sounds revolting, but it's the best way to describe what happened...

Time to call this quits - I need to get some sleep tonight, as I'm back into the office tomorrow - worst luck.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Fingers crossed...

Well, I'm sitting at my computer again, this time waiting to for the hospital to call me and say that Mum's ready to come home.

We got to the hospital at 07:00 this morning, and I'll say one thing - I can see why people pick up infections - the ward wasn't terribly clean, and I was more than a little reluctant to leave Mum there!

Don't get me wrong - I've got nothing but praise for the nurses and the sawbones - who actually listened to what that patient said.

He gave Mum two options - one involved having bone chipped away from the head of the broken screw so that the whole thing could be removed, or the option that Mum has chosen - which was to have the broken piece removed and leave the other bit in place, as it wasn't causing her any problems.

So, I left the hospital at about 08:45, and headed for home, and started playing on the computer - ok - I started to write an Access database to help me at work, but that quickly lost its appeal and I've been alternating between playing Divine Divinity (I've still not finished the game yet - I keep getting wiped out by the end bad guy!) as well as attempting to update the blog.

I've got a feeling that this might have to go on hold for a while, as Mum's not going to be too steady on her feet - ok - I'll rephrase that. She's going to need me around to make sure that she's ok, and that the dressings are ok...

Time to call this quits - I need to go and get the 'phone in case the hospital call me...

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Wondering what I’ve done wrong…

Ever had one of those moments when you wished you’d never done something? Well I had one of those when I was heading for home this evening.

It started out perfectly innocuously, when I called my best mate, and asked what sort of day he’d had… It was like opening the floodgates and as the call went on, I was getting more and more upset as I felt so damned helpless.

Add into that, the mere fact my friend wasn’t very impressed with me, because I’d left a message with a colleague to say that Mum was going into hospital tomorrow for the operation to remove the broken part of the screw in her right leg.

In the end, I suggested that I called him back later, as he was so wound up and it wasn’t doing me any good hearing him like that.

I got home and was somewhat subdued, but the furry fiends went out of their way to be nice to me, so I felt a bit better than I did, and retreated upstairs to play on the computer (which is where I’ve been since 19:30 this evening!)

My friend must have realised that I was upset, and sent me the following message:

I’m sorry – I’m just so wound up – don’t take it too hard, I’ll get it sorted out one way or another. Take care Kaz x

 That really touched me, and I will admit wishing that I’d been a little more forgiving that I had been, but given the fact that I’m worried about Mum’s operation it’s not really an easy time for me either…

It's not easy, nothing to say 'cause it's already said.
It's never easy.
When I look on your eyes then I find that I'll do fine.
When I look on your eyes then I'll do better.

Time to call this quits – I need to be up early to take Mum to the hospital tomorrow morning…

Back tomorrow…

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Something to consider…

I make no apologies for this - it made me smile....

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ... times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock to.”

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Womanand he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,” That will make your husband the richest man in the world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. "

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Into the dragon’s den…

Well, I’ve had my review and I’ve survived – quite well, considering I was expecting to get blasted for my comments the other day…

There are targets for me to work to, which I’m not unhappy about, and have been told that the work I do with the OTR tyres is well thought of within the company, as the processes that I have brought in appear to be working well.

Aside from that, I’ve been able to sow the seeds for a couple of escapes in the future – one to an agricultural show (on the grounds that it might be of use to me to meet the end users / dealers so that I can get a better idea of the sort of information that they need) as well as going to a quarry.

Time to call this quits – don’t really want to blot my copy book so soon after my review!

Back later…

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Dead man walking?

That’s how my best mate has described himself today. He’s got a big meeting this afternoon (when I’m on my lunch break) and has said that he’s really worried about this meeting, and gets the feeling that his manager is trying his best to force him to walk out.

Like a soldier ant, I will wait for the signal to act
To take a walk right through the door
If you don't want me here any more

He said that he realised just how little support he got, when he was off recovering from his car accident, as the people that contacted him were people that don’t work with him - i.e. myself and another lass.

Someone to count on, in a world ever changin'.
Here I am stop where you're standin'.

But, it’s funny – we seem to spend so much time on the phone to each other, that I get to know how he’s feeling – and vice versa – there’s no way that I can pull the wool over his eyes on some things!

There's nowhere left to hide
In no one to confide
The truth runs deep inside
And will never die

Aside from that, I’m worried about how things will turn out for me here, as not a damned thing has been said about me blowing a fuse, and I get the feeling that something will be mentioned in my review (which I should have had by now, as I’ve been with the company 2 years (God – where has that time gone?))

But, at the end of the day, all I can do for my best friend is be there for him, and give him all the love and support that I possibly can do, and just help him cope with whatever life throws at him – ‘cause he’s done that and more for me just recently!

Guess I should think about doing some work, but to be honest, I’d rather be about 75 miles south of here!

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

When the jokes start rolling in…

This was sent to me, and made me smile, so I couldn't resist posting it!

Enjoy.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

*******************************************************************

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother. The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had seen. Then the fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she hadseen. Thenn.Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

The other joke that made me smile was this one...

Two alligators

Two alligators were sittin' at the side of a swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "Ah can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age; we was the same size as kids. Ah just don't git it."

"Well," said the big 'gaiter, "What you been eatin', boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do ya catch 'em?"

"Down at t'other side of the swamp, near the parkin' lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, ah crawls up under one o' them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the door. Then, ah jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em up!"

"Aw!" says the big alligator, "Ah thinks ah see yer problem. Ya ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit outta a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase."

Rumblings in the distance…

And it ain’t the delicate sound of thunder either. It’s the sound of a manager starting to take his irritation out on someone who has decided to call time on her role here.

No – it’s not me – it’s one of the others, and because she’s had the decency to let him know what she was doing, he’s been like a bear with a sore ass. If she makes the slightest goof up, then he nails her, and yet me? I make a goof, and it’s a case of ‘oh well, these things happen’.

Seems like my time has come
And now I'm moving on
I'll be stronger

Aside from that (and I freely admit to trying my best to stay out of the line of fire for the time being), things seem to be improving for my best mate. I won’t say that he’s overjoyed with things at his company, but he seems happier than he’s been for a while – I just hope that this continues!

However, he’s still in pain with the injuries he sustained in the car accident back in March, and is still seeing the chiropractor, whom he refers to as a sadist.

Why he ends up in so much pain after he’s been is a mystery to me, as I seem to get off lightly compared to him – although just recently, I will admit to feeling like I’ve been run over by a steam roller!

But, I have been told that I should give up horse riding until this problem with my shoulder is sorted out. That went down like a ton of bricks with me, and I will admit that I said ‘sod it’ last night, and went riding… Oh my god – did I pay for it!

I dismounted after a fairly gentle ride (10 miles – I usually rack up 25 when I’m out in an evening) and my legs felt like jelly, and my back and shoulder felt like there was a demon hoard taking carving lessons on my bones!

It's my life
It's now or never
But I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

I didn’t get my sympathy from my best mate (and to be honest, I didn’t really expect to get any) as I’d gone riding against instructions, but he seemed more concerned that I hadn’t injured myself any further.

Ah well, suppose I should think about doing some work, but I’m suffering from a severe case of TNFI…

Back later, if I get the chance.

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Farewell to Peugeot UK??

Well, it's finally happened. Peuegot has decided to close the Ryton plant, on economic grounds. I can understand Peugot's reasons - they have to ship in everything that they need to build to cars at Ryton (they currently build the 206 and the 206 SW), and then have to deal with the expense of shipping the cars back into Europe.


There have been calls to boycott Peugeot cars, but I'm afraid that the writing has been on the wall for a long time. Even before Peugeot took over the site, one previous owner threatened to stop car production, and said that they would make washing machines instead.

Ok - I can sympathise with the workforce, but my sympathy is tempered by the knowledge that I had to wait in excess of 8 weeks to get my car - and it wasn't something super exotic! Ok - it's a small auto, but that shouldn't have caused that sort of delay...

Time to call this quits - I'm supposed to be working...

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Biting the bullet

I’m more than a little fed up at the moment, simply because I’m irritated by the lack of support that I seem to be getting from certain members of my department. However, as I decided to make my feelings known I get the feeling that I’m going to be hauled over hot coals for my comments yesterday.

To be honest, I just don’t care, as I’ve got enough on my plate as it is – I’ve got to go back to the doctor next Friday for blood tests, as the nurse wasn’t happy with my blood pressure, and the fact that if one of the cats sneeze, I bruise.

Add into that mixture that I’m really worried about my mate, and you get a stressed out tigger. The poor bugger is fast approaching breaking point, and has said that the sooner he gets out of the company he’s working for, the happier he’s going to be. I know that I shouldn’t worry about him, but hearing him so down really upsets me.

Ah well, suppose I should get on with some work, but my heart’s not really in it at all…

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Am I losing the plot???

I've done nothing but cry today. The slightest thing, and that's it - it's like someone's turned on the waterworks.

I wish I knew what the hell was causing me to feel like this, beacuse all it's doing is destroying my confidence - and upsetting someone who doesn't need me adding to his woes.

Guess I should call this quits - I've got loads of work that I'm supposed to be doing, and my heart just isn't in it...

Back when I can get some semblance of order to my emotions and thoughts...

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Hemel, Brooklands and tears

The title of this entry sums up the weekend that I've just had. I should have suspected that I wasn't my normal self when I managed to overshoot the turning to the services on the A41. Mainly because I was too intent on proving to some fool in an under-powered Vauxhall Corsa that he shouldn't try taking on a 1.6 Peugeot 206 - especially when it's in sports mode!

So, me being me, decided to see if there was another turn, and called my friend to say that I thought I'd over shot the turn. Which as it turned out I had done and will freely admit to muttering all kinds of unkind things about wrong directions and things like that.

Thankfully, my friend was a real darling, and met me in Hemel and guided me home -via the local chip shop for dinner!

His family were really pleasant, and we sat chatting about family, friends and common interests, and I will admit to being only too glad to get some sleep - even if it was on the sofa, as I was knackered.

Saturday morning seemed to come all too soon, and my friend scared the hell out of me by touching the back of my hand... I will admit to jumping and I think it took him by surprise, but I had been out for the count!

We headed to Brooklands, and I will admit to feeling slightly unsettled. Why, I have no idea, but in hindsight, I guess that it was because I knew in the back of my mind that this was a place that I'd wanted to visit with Dad, and would never get the chance to do so.

There were some beautiful cars there, and more to the point, several exhibts that I was determined to see - including the Concorde that was being restored. The tail was stood on several truck tyres, and one of the volunteers said that the restoration should be finished by July this year.

We also watched the cars going up the Brooklands test hill - including one brave soul in a Fiat 500 - complete with a trailer!

Then, Sunday it was a trip to the gallery where my friend gets most of his beautiful WWII aircraft prints. I was ok until I saw the Concorde print, complete with the signatures of the respective captains. That just opened the floodagtes, and I burst into tears. I couldn't help it - the memories that had been stirred up by my trip to Brooklands (where Dad started his apprenticeship) and seeing the print was the straw that broke the tigger.

My friend was a real angel, and did his best to help me, but I know that he wasn't sure what he could do to help me, which seemed to really upset him.

The trouble was, there wasn't a damned thing that anyone could do to help me - I know this time of year is not good for me, as I tend to go to pieces at the slightest thing, and in hindsight, I should have perhaps warned him that I was fragile...

Guess I should call this entry quits - I've got to make peace with the furry fiends, who are both giving me the evil eye as I've had the nerve to leave them for a couple of days...

Back when I get the chance - or more to the point, if I'm still in one piece from the fiends!

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Getting ready to escape…

As I type this, I don’t mind admitting that I’m nervous. Why I have no idea, but I guess that it’s just me being slightly apprehensive – simply because I’m heading south to spend a few days with my daft hog riding friend and his family.

Thankfully, he’s been a real darling and sent me directions, so all I have to do is read them and follow them to the point where we’re supposed to meet up...

Aside from that, I gave Mum her birthday present last night, and I half expected her to lynch me as she realised what I’d bought her as soon as she saw the bag it was in (no – I didn’t wrap it up – I just about had time to draw breath on Wednesday, let alone get the peace and quiet to wrap the present up!)

What I’d bought her was a piece of studio glass – from the Okra glass factory. It was a one off piece made for B W Thornton in Stratford, and as soon as I saw it, I fell for it.

Ok – I knew that I would end up going there for Mum’s present, but I had no idea what to get her, and was totally open minded about what I got – the only limit being that I was unwilling to pay more that £200 for whatever I decided to get her.

Admittedly, £200 sounds an awful lot, but given that Dad and I had bought one piece for £350 (which is truly spectacular), I felt that it was a reasonable level to set. In the end, the piece was very reasonable - £60!

Mum was over the moon, and said that it was just the sort of thing that she would have bought, and that she knew as soon as she saw the bag what it was likely to be… I just neglected to tell her that I’d taken yesterday morning off to get it for her!

I also had to go back to Warwick hospital yesterday... I was due to see the sawbones about my shoulder (which is no better - more in a bit) and also got my ribs checked over. The ribs have healed, and I've been given the all clear to start riding again, as long as I wear my body armour!

However, the shoulder is still giving me serious grief, and I don't think I've done myself any favours by refusing the cortisone jab that the sawbones wanted to do yesterday.

The only reason that I refused was because I'm heading south today, and I have no intention of going to see a good friend when I'm in pain with my shoulder and suffering from the after effects of the cortisone jab. So, it's off to the hospital on July 6th to get the jab in the shoulder.

Until then, I'm going to have to grin and bear it, and hope that I'm not too bad tempered after the drive this afternoon...

Guess I should call this entry quits – I’m supposed to be working, not blogging!

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Tears, frustration and irritation

Today has not been a good day for me. It started off when I had a row with one of the girls in the office, as I refused to go to the quiz night next month. Why? Simply because it will be two years to the date that my Dad died – and I have FAR more important things to do, other than watching the members of my department making complete fools of themselves with their lack of knowledge on world events.

To compound a rotten day in the office you can add into the equation the mere fact that I’m still in pain because of my trip to the chiropractor (who’s still trying to finish putting my vertebrae back into their correct positions), and you get an unhappy tigger.

The final straw that broke the tigger’s back was when the alarm went off for no apparent reason. Which is why I’m sitting at my computer at 00:23 updating my blog – thank god I’m off today, otherwise I would be completely wiped out.

Mum knows that I’m off in the afternoon, but she doesn’t know that I’ve booked the morning off so that I can go and get her birthday present – and I haven’t got the foggiest idea what to get her!

Time to call this quits – I need to get some sleep if I can…

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Actual annoucements...

I've always been a fan of this sort of thing, and I just couldn't resist posting them..

Enjoy.

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1."Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2. "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3. "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4. "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...’."

5. "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.”

6. "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7. During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8. "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!”
(Pause.)
"Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9. "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10. "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11. "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12."To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13. "Please move all baggage away from the doors.”
(Pause...)
"Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.”
(Pause...)
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14."May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Why we like the British - From British Newspapers!

This got sent to me, and I just couldn’t resist posting it….

Why we like the British - From British Newspapers!

1. Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.”

(The Daily Telegraph)

2. Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

3. Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

4. A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common.”
(The Times)

5. At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

6. Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Let go of the past

Your journey has moulded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. There is no shortcutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.


No regrets. As we become more aware, we begin to realize that there's a purpose to everything that happens. This builds our trust, and supports us in being willing to be more open and daring to really experience life as it unfolds.

I don't think anymore needs to be said.

Karen

Learing to fly, but I don't have wings

Hell explained by chemistry student.

This was too good not to post….


Hell explained by chemistry student.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Danger – incoming jokes…

Can’t I tell that my friend is back from sick leave. The jokes are coming in thick and fast – and only some of them are postable! This was one of the ones that did make me smile….

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look:

"That's a lovely fire engine,” he says admiringly.

“Thanks” says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

“Little colleague,” says the fire-fighter, “I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.”

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:

“You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?”

Another joke that came from the same source also made me smile….

One of Florida's finest senior citizens went down to his local Chevrolet dealer and bought a brand new Corvette convertible. Heading off the car lot and down the road, he floored it and enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a Florida State Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man as he stood on the gas pedal -- 80, 120, 150, 180 mph.

Then, he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the Interstate and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the Corvette.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said: "Fifteen years ago, my wife
Ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the trooper

And a final thought…

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving,” says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus,” says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

Back later, if I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Good news from the front

Well, my friend is back from the hospital, and has been told that he snores. Ok – not breaking news as such, but they (the hospital) have said that he may need a small operation, which may or may not cure his hearing problem.

He won’t know what the verdict is until he goes back to the hospital in six months time, but until then, he can’t really do very much apart from put up with it.

Suppose I’d better call this quits – we’re short staffed due to some meeting or other, and I’m suffering from a severe case of TNFI…

Back later if I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Knackered, and glad it’s Friday

I slept like a log last night, but I’m still tired. I guess it’s as a result of going to see the chiropractor, who managed to put several of my vertebrae back into position, after I was kicked by Flame.

Ok – I admit that the body armour took most of the impact, but there was still damage done. Thankfully, my chiropractor has been able to sort most of it out, but I still have to go back to see him on Tuesday night to finish the job off.

Aside from that, I’m worried about my daft friend, who has to go to the hospital today, to see what can be done about the ringing in his ears. The poor guy has been suffering with this for quite a while, and he’s finally gotten fed up enough to get his GP to do something about this for him.

Guess I should call this quits – I’m supposed to be working, but to be honest, I can think of quite a few places that I would rather be, other than here!

Back later, if I get the chance.

Karen.

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings.

Another joke…

Amazing what I get sent – and I’m afraid this is so true….

New Staff Recruitment Procedure

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone, come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks - put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them - put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order - put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other - put them in construction.

If they are sleeping - put them in reception.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces - put them in IT.

If they are sitting idle - put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved - put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day - put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window - put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least:

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved – congratulate them and put them in management!

Karen

Learning to fly but I don’t have wings

Feeling more awake…

There’s something about talking to a good friend at lunchtime to make you smile. I was talking to my friend, and he sounded so much brighter than he has done for a while. He said that he’d been to see a chiropractor, who’d put four vertebrae in his lower back into position.

He sounded so much brighter, and said that he has to go back on Saturday morning and on Monday as well, as he has some problems that the chiropractor was hoping to be able to cure for him. He’s hoping to be much more mobile when I go and see him the end of this month.

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend don't break, baby don't back down

That made me smile, and I admitted that I was going to be going to see my chiropractor tonight, as I’ve still got problems with my back – but this stems from when I got kicked, as I somehow flexed my back, and managed to put things out of position.

We got talking about other things, and he made me laugh quite a bit – which still hurts my ribs, but it was well worth the pain as he always manages to make me smile… Especially as he said that the weekend I was down there, he was going to make it a really good weekend for the pair of us…

Getaway - ya know it's now or never
Getaway - nobody lives forever
We’re only waitin' just to make our getaway

Guess I should think about doing some w*rk, but I have to admit, I’m suffering from a severe case of TNFI…

Back when I get chance.

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Tired little tigger…

Ever had one of those occasions where you just couldn’t settle down to sleep? Well I had one last night – simply because I was worried about a friend.

Because he’s off sick as a result of this accident, his company are making it plain that they think he’s pulling the wool over their eyes, even though he’s been signed off by the doctor, and has been told that they want to reclaim the money that they pay him whilst he’s off from any compensation that he may get.

Needless to say, he’s not very happy, and has admitted that he is going to start seriously looking for another job.

As for me, well I did my best to settle down and get some sleep, but it was a combination of factors that stopped me – the pain from my shoulder (which is still playing up), the pain from my ribs (which are still healing) and the worry about my friend.

I know what he’ll tell me – that he’s ok, and that I shouldn’t worry about him, but it’s easier said than done, as he’s off to the doctor’s today… How do I know this? Simple – he sent me a text message this morning:

…. I’m going to my docs again today, so I’ll let you know when I get back and what I’m doing…

I just hope that he does manage to get something sorted out, as the poor guy can’t keep on like this, and more to the point, he needs to be able to sort things out with regards to his job – because all it’s doing at the moment is flattening him, and making him unhappy – not to mention ill.

If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time

But, at the end of the day, all I can do is act as a shoulder for him to lean on, and give him a friendly ear that he can bend when he needs it…

Guess I should call this quits – I’m supposed to be working, not blogging.

Back later, if I get the chance.

Karen.

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Start the day with a smile.... And get it over with!

This was something that did make me smile, and I just couldn't resist posting it....

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS!!!"
Guess I should think about doing some work, but I've got a severe case of TNFI...

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

You're off for how long???

Well, my friend has been to see his GP, and has been signed off for three weeks! The poor guy didn't sound too good, and said that he felt like he was getting no support from the company that he works for, as they seem to be giving the impression that he's pulling a fast one.

If it had been anyone other than him, I would have been inclined to agree, but I know him well enough to know that he struggles into work - even when I tell him that he's not fit enough to be in.

But, I get the feeling that he's going to need a daft ear to bend, and I'll do my best to help him.

Guess that I should call this quits - I've got to sort the furry fiends out before I crawl into my pit...

Back tomorrow.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Worrying about a friend...

Getting a message like this at 07:15 in the morning is not a good sign...

Good morning Kaz, just to say that I am going back to the hospital.
I can't move much this morning, so I'm leaving now and not going in.
Will let you know what's going on later. Take good care..

Poor sod. I will admit to being worried about him until I called him at lunchtime. He'd finally escaped from the hospital, and had been told that he'd either sprained his back or shifted a disc.

The bit that did make me wonder was the mere fact that the hospital told him that he had to go to his GP if he wanted a sick note, as they were unable to sign him off.

That struck me as a little peculiar, but as he lives in a different region to me, it could be that his local NHS trust has a different policy to the one here - the consultant in A & E tried to sign me me off when I went to see him with broken ribs!

Time to call this quits - I want to veg out..

Back tomorrow.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Next time you think you are having a bad day in the office ...

I'm sorry - this was too good not to post!

*************************************************

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers. He performs underwater repairs on off-shore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,


Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I must first bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my BR chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Trying to re-assure a friend...

Trying to re-assure a friend that he’s not going crazy after his car accident is not an easy thing to do.

He sent me the following text:

Kaz, please talk to me.

I called him and the poor guy was nearly in tears, and said that he was scared of being in a car. He admitted that he was constantly looking in the rear-view mirror, and hated being in traffic.

It was really distressing for me to hear him so upset, and I did my best to re-assure him that he wasn’t going mad, and that it was a normal reaction given what had happened to him yesterday.

But, at the end of the day, all I can do is re-assure him, and give him whatever help and assistance I can over the 'phone, and when I see him, make him realise that he's a really special guy to me, and that I would (and will) move Heaven & Earth to help him if he needs my help.

Time to call this quits - it's about the time Mum gets home from the late shift.

Back tomorrow.

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

I must have been a real b'stard in a previous existance...

What makes me say that? Simple. It's not been a good day for me at all.

First of all, I woke up this morning to discover a water leak in the bathroom, meaning that we've had to call out an emergency plumber to fix the leak (the toilet cistern feed was leaking), plus there have been tiles comming off the wall in the kitchen, as the water soaked through the floorboards and loosened the adhesive.

Then, I sent a text message to my friend asking if he was ok, only to get the following reply:

Kaz, I can't talk now - I'll call you in a bit.

I will admit to feeling slightly apprehensive, and then when I got this message from him - I burst into tears!

Hiya, I'm sorry to say the GTi is in a bad way. I've just been involved in an RTA, but I'm at home.

As soon as I was calm enough (which took a few seconds), I called him. It turned out that he'd been shunted into the back of another car when he was comming back from an escape, and was fairly sure that the car was going to be a write off.

I will admit to nagging him to go to the hospital though, and asked him to let me know that he was ok - which he did so. It turns out that he has whiplash, and that he hurts like hell.

But, as far as I'm concerned, he's in one piece. Cars are bits of metals that can be repaired or replaced - but flesh and blood is infinitely more important.

Time to call this quits - I need to get to bed.

Back tomorrow if I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Trying to salvage a friendship....

Sometimes, I feel like a real low life. I got a text from an old friend of mine, that really upset me...

Not heard from you for a month, Mum died on Feb 20.

Where was my friend when I needed you?

I mean, when the hell can you say to a text like that??? I will admit, I had to think fast on my feet, and sent a reply saying that I'd been out of the country, and had only just gotten back.

Thankfully, my friend didn't hold a grudge against me, and we got talking about various things, and I will admit, when I put the 'phone down, I was quite upset.

But, as luck would have it, I was able to speak to my daft friend later, and he said that he was a little bit upset because he was getting rid of his current bike, but was looking forward to getting the new one.

I thought I'd managed to hide the fact that I was feeling down, but obviously, I didn't do it well enough, and he asked whet was wrong. When I told him about the 'phone call I'd had, he seemed quite quite upset that I hadn't called him.

It wasn't a case of not wanting to call him - I did - I just needed time to get my emotions under some form of control, as I could see myself bursting into tears on the 'phone, as all the previous phone call had done was dig up the memories and emotions that I had done my best to bury after Dad died.

Guess I should call this quits - I need to get some sleep tonight...

Back tomorrow if I get the chance.

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

More rotten jokes…

It’s at times like this when you realise just who your friends really are – they’re the ones who go out of their way to make you smile and laugh (even if it does hurt like hell to do so!)

I get all sorts of jokes sent to me, but this was one that really did make me flinch with pain, simply because I was laughing so much!

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a seeing eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought "what the heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fuckin' Chihuahua???!!"

Back tomorrow, if my ribs have improved any…

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

In a world of pain…

I’m beginning to wonder if I should be in… I slipped in the kitchen last night, and fell and landed against the edge of the sink… Ok – not normally a big problem, but I landed on the side that had the cracked ribs…

I called my friend and we spoke for a while, until he persuaded me to go to the hospital to get myself checked out… I will admit, I felt guilty about asking Mum to take me to the A&E department, but when she saw the state I was in, I got earache for not telling her earlier!

I got home at 00:45, and could just about see straight enough to send my friend a message to let him know that I was ok, but I will admit to being spaced out of my brain cell (I’d had a pethadine jab) – I felt like I was floating! (Now I know how Fred must feel on catnip!)

I sent him an e-mail to say I was in the office, and he replied, telling me that I shouldn’t be in…

…hope you are ok but the drugs must have done your head in. What are you doing in work you silly girl? Just make sure that whoever needs to know knows about your situation.

 It’s nearly time for me to take some more painkillers – and I don’t know when I’ll be back to updating this, as my ribs are hurting the whole time I’m sitting at the computer…

Back when I get relatively pain-free…

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Something to brighten a dreary day…

I’m bored. However, I’m lucky enough to have people out in the big bad world who’ll send me such gems as this:

WHY I AM TIRED
For a couple years, I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood circulation, or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Based on our own Government statistics here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.
Guess I should get on with some w*rk, but I’m suffering from a severe lack of interest…

Back later if I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings