Walking in the Shadows

Random musings from Warwickshire on life in general... Things that make me laugh, make me cry, things that wind me up beyond all endurance - and everything in between.

The burning times

This was posted on the BBC website, and as my home area is renowned for white witchcraft, I thought it was appropriate – especially as it’s All Hallows Eve….


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


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Witches remain a significant cultural presence centuries after thousands of women, and men, accused of sorcery were burned at the stake. But what caused the craze for burning witches, and why did it stop?

If you're offered a trick or treat on Halloween, it's quite likely to be by someone dressed as a witch. It used to be said that those who travel on the night of 31 October should cross a piece of bread with salt in order to avoid a witch's evil clutches.

In the 16th and 17th centuries in particular, they had a simpler method. They executed them.

A frenzy of witch-hunts took place during this time in Europe, mostly in German-speaking parts, with an estimated 60,000 people put to death.

In mainland Europe and Scotland they burned them, with the peak period between 1580 and 1662 often referred to as The Burning Times. England and its colonies in north America preferred hanging.

This was a time when many believed in the supernatural and misfortune was thought to be the work of the Devil or his servants. There was a widespread belief in Europe that a strong nation was one that had a uniform religious faith. By consorting with the Devil, "witches" were committing treason and were punishable by courts enforcing anti-witchcraft statutes.

The witches, of course, were nothing like the stereotype of the carbuncled hags shrieking incantations around a cauldron full of devilish potions. They were ordinary people who were often the convenient scapegoats for anything from a death in the village to the failure of crops. Individuals would often have been branded a witch after falling out with a neighbour.

There was no average witch. Alhough most would be poor and elderly, this would vary from region to region. The accused were not even all women. Around a quarter of those executed were men.

When a great fear takes hold of society, that society looks naturally to the stereotype of the enemy in its midst

Hugh Trevor-Roper
England's most famous were the Pendle Witches from Lancashire who were convicted of murdering 17 people in 1612. Their prosecutors argued they had sold their souls to the Devil in return for being able to lame or kill anyone they pleased. The trial was meticulously documented and appeared the following year in book form. Enormous crowds flocked to Lancaster Gaol to watch 10 "witches" - eight women and two men - die on the gallows.

In the famous Salem Witch Trials in Massachusetts in 1692, more than 200 individuals were "cried out against" as witches by so-called "afflicted children". Of the suspects, 19 were eventually convicted and hanged. Their accusations were believed because children were then considered to be natural witch-finders. In her book, A Mirror of Witchcraft, Christina Hole points out that 17th Century English villages routinely used children in this way and that many became quite famous.

In Scotland, where nearly 4,000 people died during a frenetic period of witch trials between 1590 and 1662, one of the popular types of evidence used against suspects was the Devil's Mark. When his followers made their pact with him, the Devil supposedly left his mark, usually an insensitive spot, upon him or her. Professional witch prickers were employed in the country to search for them.

Eventually, witch pricking came to be seen as fraudulent, and soon the whole notion of witchcraft was being discredited. There had been growing scepticism even at the time that many witch-hunts had been about score settling and that innocent people were being executed. The use of torture to exact convictions became increasingly regarded as unreliable.

Witch trials became more rigorous in the evidence they accepted. Many of the accusers at the Salem trials had claimed to have seen spectres or apparitions of the people supposedly doing them harm.

Many prominent figures of authority wrote books and pamphlets shortly afterwards pouring scorn on this phenomenon. In his biography of one of the judges, Samuel Sewall, author Richard Francis argues that the aftermath of the trials marked the birth of the modern age when the US found its conscience

The Age of Enlightenment, with its emphasis on reason and logic, was beginning in Europe and natural causes began to replace the Devil as the reason behind much of society's ills.

By 1736, the Witchcraft Acts in England and Scotland had both been repealed. The same happened on the continent. Within a few years, several judges who condemned the Salem witches to their deaths admitted they had made a grave mistake. So what had caused this witch craze?

Modern research has debunked many myths, for example that it was church officials deliberately whipping up hysteria to rid the world of the cult of "magic", or a controlled campaign to tackle outcasts.

Rather, as Robert W Thurston puts it in his book Witch, Wicce, Mother Goose, the witch persecutions were to do with "a profound shaking of people's confidence that their world could survive". The Burning Times came in the aftermath of the Reformation, when the split in the Christian faith caused great turmoil.

Communities were also coping with wars, and pestilence like the Black Death. In England, the worst witch craze took place during the English Civil War. The Thirty Years War was also gripping Germany.

In her paper, Recent Developments in the Study of the Great European Witch Hunt, Jenny Gibbons notes that most witch-hunts took place where central authority had broken down, often in border areas "where rival Christian sects fought to impose their religious views on each other". It was partly for this reason that local secular courts meted out the harshest judgements.

In countries like Spain, Italy and Russia, where a strong, unified Church existed, there were few witch trials. When the threats receded, so did the panic and hysteria.

In his book The European Witch-Craze, historian Hugh Trevor-Roper wrote: "When a great fear takes hold of society, that society looks naturally to the stereotype of the enemy in its midst."

Modern history is littered with such witch-hunts, the Holocaust being the most extreme example. The story of the thousands of so-called witches who died a gruesome death many centuries ago still holds lessons for today.

A slow day

Talk about being bored.  If it wasn't for the silly jokes that I keep getting sent, I would be going nuts (ok - more nuts than I already am!)

Enjoy these jokes - they're from the USA, so I take no responsibility for them - other than posting!

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

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HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size 14-16 - or larger.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

P.S. - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'

INSTALLATION COMPLETE!!!!

Thanks for using the Redneck Security Company

********************************************************

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;  it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally  looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing..

He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds  of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - learn to forgive.

Free your mind from worries - most never happen or aren't all that bad.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less



NOW .......

Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Actual call centre conversations

Amazing what I get sent...  But some of these are very funny!

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


*************************************************

Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

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Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack ?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack ?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

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RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):


"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

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Directory Enquiries


Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.


Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".


Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

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Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"


Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it.

If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".


Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too ****ING stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Chilled out weekend...

Well, as I type this, I am admittedly in the playpen that I call an office, but I really don't care at the moment. Why? Because I've had the best weekend away for a long time.

My beloved and I had been planning an escape to our favourite place (The Green Man), but unfortunately, we couldn’t get the accommodation. So, we stayed at Furzton Lake, near Milton Keynes (yes – the town famous (or should that be infamous) for the concrete cows!)

As we weren’t meeting up until the afternoon, I made the most of it, and went shopping. Yes, I know that I’ve stated in previous posts that I loathe shopping, but for once, it was nice to be able to wander around somewhere on my own, at my own pace.

My beloved had said that he didn’t know what to get me for my birthday, so I was given a free choice (within reason – if I’d had my way, it would have been either an Aston Martin DB9 or the Ferrari 612 Scaglietti!) So, I decided that the best thing I could do, would be to have a wander around the shops, and see what caught my eye…

The first stop was to head to Marks & Spencer, to see if I could find that rarity of rarities, hold ups that actually fitted without cutting off the circulation to my legs. That was a success, so it was then off to take a leisurely walk around the centre.

My next point of call was to Waterstones, in the hope of getting three books that I was after (Dark Haven by Gail Z Martin, Thorn Queen by Richelle Mead and A Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde). That failed partially, as I only manged to get  A Picture of Dorian Gray, so it was back to wandering.

My wanderings took down towards Midsummer Place, and straight into one of my favourite shops (after Waterstones – can’t do without my books!) – Lush. This is one of the few places that I have been able to find skin care and other treats that don’t upset my skin (most things turn my skin into something that resembles a lizard!)

I got quite a bit in Lush – including the bits that I wanted from their Christmas range. This included a shower jelly called Champagne Snow Showers – a real treat to use in the shower as well as Vanilla Dee-light. No – I’m not taking the mickey – this is a delightfully light body lotion, with a very gentle vanilla scent to it. Most of the time, I find fragranced body lotions too heavy (usually in the scent (or it's way too synthetic for my liking!) or the the actual feel of the lotion  on the skin (too heavy - most feel like axel grease to me) but this seems to suit me just right.

It was then time for a coffee. And for me, only one place to go. Yes, Starbucks. I know that it’s clichéd and everything else, but the coffee is good and that’s all that really bothers me. That and the fact that I get left alone! It gave me a chance to start reading, and I will admit I’ve been quite surprised. The only thing I knew about Dorian Gray was from the film – The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (the one with Sean Connery in!)

It’s quite an involving read, and I will admit to nearly forgetting the time (I was limited on time by the fact that I’d only got 4 hours on the car, and time was marching on!) So, I headed back to the car, via La Senza (where I got exactly what I wanted for my birthday - all I will say is that it is listed as Dazzling Blue - the rest remains between me and my beloved!)

I then made a brief stop at Borders to see if I could get the books I wanted. That was a partial success, and I managed to get Dark Haven, but not the other one. Ah well - you win some, you lose some.

So, as it was getting near to the time that I was supposed to be meeting my beloved. I’d taken the trouble to put the sat-nav into my handbag, and when I went to set it up – disaster. Me being a twit had taken the SD card out of the unit. Normally, this wouldn’t have been an issue…

But this time it was. I’d recently received a large update from the manufacturer, and had taken the time to install everything on the computer, and copied the files across to the sat-nav. Only the internal memory wasn’t large enough to accept all the data I required.

Ok – not a problem – this little gizmo has a slot where I can put an SD card, and then load the details onto that. Which I did. Only to take the dammed thing out at some point, and forget to put it back in!

Now I’m not the greatest at map-reading, and could only vaguely remember where this dratted place was, which meant that I headed towards junction 14 of the M1, where the directions in my little directory started from.

And that was where some of the problems started. Have you ever tried counting roundabouts, whilst watching all the other traffic around you, as well as making sure that you’re not in the wrong lane? Not easy I tell you, but I did manage to find the place. Eventually.

The rest? Well that remains between me and my beloved, but all I will say is that I am so chilled out, I am almost horizontal.

Guess I should think about doing some w*rk, but I really don’t have any interest – or inclination, and that’s not good, especially as it’s only Monday!

Back later.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

The Lone Ranger...

A good way to start a Monday is with a joke - and this one's good.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert... After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo sh*t. It means someone stole the tent.'

Man breaks 15 laws in 11 minutes

No - this isn't a joke - it's from the BBC website...

Karen


Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most



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A driver has confounded Swiss police by committing 15 traffic violations in just over 10 minutes, officials say.


The 47-year-old initially raced past an unmarked police car in heavy rain at 160 km/h (100mph) before weaving close to other cars and the road's kerb.

The serial offender clocked up further offences for speeding, driving on the hard shoulder, running a set of red lights and failing to stop for police.

When finally pulled over by St Gallen police, he failed a drugs test.

The unnamed driver, who lives near Zurich, faces a lengthy driving ban and a possible jail sentence when he appears before a Swiss court.

"I can't remember a case this serious," a police spokeswoman told the BBC of Sunday's infringement spree. "It's remarkable."

Getting old(er)

It's my birthday today, and I feel...  Well, ancient.  Aside from that, I'm in the playpen, and am not exactly delighted to be in, as I really felt like taking a so-called "duvet day" (a day when you're not sick - just can't be asked to come in to work)

But there was one bright spot when I got into the office and logged on to my e-mail.  My beloved had sent me a really sweet e-mail, with this picture attached to it:



That just about finished me off, as it was the last thing that I had expected, and nearly made me drop my mug - which would have really upset me, as it's a limited edition from Denby Pottery:

 

Ok - this mug is the Linen colour (mine's Imperial Blue) and holds a pint of liquid.  Admittedly, to some people, that's quite daunting but I' m quite used to it, and no-one else in the office would dare pick it up, as it's always seen on my desk.  That and the fact that it is rather heavy!

Ah well - guess I should be getting on with some w*rk, but I have got a severe case of TNFI...

Back later.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Understanding Nature

It seems to be a day for jokes being sent to me - and this was one that had me laughing in the office.

Enjoy.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have

Are the ones that you want most

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I finally got around to going fishing this morning, but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

The Human Body!

This got sent to me by my other half, and made me laugh.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


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It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb) .

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.


The triffid has landed

Ok – more precisely, an Amaryllis. My desk has started to look like a miniature jungle again, with two amaryllis, a cactus and a peace lily.

The one amaryllis has refused to die down, so is still in full leaf on my desk. I doubt if it will flower this year, but at least the new one will. This one is a green flower (I’ll post a photo when it flowers) and at the moment, just looks like a giant onion bulb.

The cactus is something special. It’s Mammillaria compressa "Yokan" and according to my colleagues, it’s weird.




Me?  I think it's normal, and looks surprisingly good on my desk, where I jokingly refer to it as "Spikey" as it's covered in small vicious spines that are surprisingly hard to see and remove.

Ah well, guess I should do some work, but I'm suffering from TNFI, and it's only Tuesday!

Back later.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

The Golfing Nun

I'm sorry - I just couldn't resist posting this joke...

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


************************************
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

Firm seeks Glaswegian interpreter

There are some things that just defy belief - and this is one of them (even if it did come from the BBC news website)  Mind you - I personally think it's a good idea - along with the Birmingham - English  dictonary that I bought my late father, as the poor guy couldn't understand the Birmingham dialect / accent...


Karen


Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

**********************


A translation company is looking to recruit Glaswegian interpreters to help business clients who are baffled by the local dialect.

Today Translations placed an advert in The Herald newspaper on Tuesday seeking speakers of "Glaswegian English".

Successful candidates, who could earn up to £140 a day, must understand "vocabulary, accent and nuances".

The firm said that so far 30 people had applied for the positions - some of them in Glaswegian.

Today Translations spokesman Mick Thorburn said: "Over the last few months we've had clients asking us for Glaswegian translators.  After some consideration we've decided this is a service we would like to offer."

Usually, the role would involve translating documents but in this case it's more likely to be assisting foreign visitors to the city whose 'business English' is not good enough to understand the local dialect.

Mr Thorburn said successful candidates may have to sit in on business meetings.  He added: "We're not necessarily looking for people who are particularly skilled in linguistics, just candidates who can help out clients who may struggle with native Glaswegian."

Today Translations said that depending on the volume of applications, it expected to contact the successful clients in the next few weeks.

Earlier this year a bus driver was recognised for teaching his Eastern European colleagues at First Glasgow bus company to understand Glaswegian slang.
James Lillis said: "When new employees come to Scotland and hear the Glasgow accent, it can be a problem. Drivers have to learn to understand what is meant when a customer says, for example, 'Gie us an aw day tae the toon' (Give me an all day ticket to the town)."

SOME GLASGOW PATTER

  • Baltic (very cold)
  • Boost (head off)
  • Buckie (tonic wine favoured by youngsters)
  • Cludgie (toilet)
  • Eejit (idiot)
  • Hampden roar (score)
  • Hee haw (nothing)
  • Hen (term used to address a woman or girl)
  • Laldy (enthusiastic participation)
  • Maw (mother)
  • Midden (rubbish tip)
  • Pure (very)
  • Moroculous (drunk)
  • Messages (shopping)
  • Scooby (clue, rhyming slang - Scooby Doo)
  • Shoot the craw (leave in a hurry)
  • Stooky (plaster cast)
  • Swatch (look)
  • Toaty (small)
  • Ya dancer (fantastic)
  • Yersel (yourself)

New wine...

Again, another old joke, but it's succeeded in making me smile today..

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

***********************

I kid you not...A New Wine for Seniors


California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as




PINO MORE
I heard it though the grapevine!



I just couldn't help it - sorry!

An old joke

I make no apologies for this joke - it made me smile today, when not much else has done so.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

************************************

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says, "You going to die, cowboy. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, and then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the tepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other figuring, "Typical white thinks only with short bow."

The second day, the chief asks, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the tepee with the cowboy.

Again, the Indians shake their heads figuring, "Typical white man, going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

On the last day, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

'Veggie' spider shuns meat diet

No - this isn't a joke post.  I got wind of it on the BBC e-mail that I get sent every morning...

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


********************
A spider that dines almost exclusively on plants has been described by scientists.

It is the first-known predominantly vegetarian spider; all of the other known 40,000 spider species are thought to be mainly carnivorous. Bagheera kiplingi, which is found in Central America and Mexico, bucks the meat-eating trend by feasting on acacia plants.The research is published in the journal Current Biology.  The herbivorous spider was filmed on high-definition camera.

The jumping arachnid, which is 5-6mm long, has developed a taste for the tips of the acacia plants - known as Beltian bodies - which are packed full of protein.

This is the only spider we know that deliberately only goes after plants


Professor Robert Curry

But to reach this leafy fare, the spider has to evade the attention of ants, which live in the hollow spines of the tree.

The ants and acacia trees have co-evolved to form a mutually beneficial relationship: the aggressive ants protect the trees from predators, swarming to attack any invaders; and in return for acting as bodyguards, the ants get to gorge on the acacias' Beltian bodies themselves.

But the crafty Bagheera kiplingi has found a way to exploit this symbiotic relationship.  One of the study's authors, Professor Robert Curry, from Villanova University, Pennsylvania, told BBC News: "The spiders basically dodge the ants.

"The spiders live on the plants - but way out on the tips of the old leaves, where the ants don't spend a lot of time, because there isn't any food on those leaves."

But when they get hungry, the spiders head to the newer leaves, and get ready to run the ant gauntlet.

Professor Curry said: "And they wait for an opening - they watch the ants move around, and they watch to see that there are not any ants in the local area that they are going after.

"And then they zip in and grab one of these Beltian bodies and then clip it off, hold it in their mouths and run away.

"And then they retreat to one of the undefended parts of the plant to eat it."


 Like other species of jumping spider, Bagheera kiplingi has keen eyesight, is especially fast and agile and is thought to have good cognitive skills, which allows it to "hunt" down this plant food.

The spider's herbivorous diet was first discovered in Costa Rica in 2001 by Eric Olsen from Brandeis University, and was then independently observed again in 2007 by Christopher Meehan, at that time an undergraduate student at Villanova University.

The team then collaborated to describe the spider for the first time in this Current Biology paper.
Professor Curry said he was extremely surprised when he found out about its unusual behaviour.
He said: "This is the only spider we know that deliberately only goes after plants."

Competition in the tropics is pretty fierce so there are always advantages to do what someone else isn't already doing


Professor Curry


While some spiders will occasionally supplement their diet with a little nectar or pollen, Bagheera kiplingi's diet is almost completely vegetarian - although occasionally topped up with a little ant larvae at times.

Professor Curry said there were numerous reasons why this spider might have turned away from meaty meals.

He said: "Competition in the tropics is pretty fierce so there are always advantages to doing what someone else isn't already doing.

"They are jumping spiders, so they don't build a web to catch food, so they have to catch their prey through pursuit. And the Beltian bodies are not moving - they are stuck - so it is a very predictable food supply."

Acacias also produce leaves throughout the year - even through the dry season - which would make them attractive.

And Professor Curry added: "Because the plants are protected by ants, they have none of their own chemical defences that other plants do."

Still in shock

What you cannot escape, you must fight; what you cannot fight, you must endure"

I guess this sums up my feelings at this precise moment in time. Ok – just after 7am on a dark and cold Sunday morning. I’ve spoken to my friend, and she’s got to go for a MRI scan on Tuesday, to see what is causing the deafness in her left ear. She’s understandably terrified. So am I, because from the little bit of information that I have been able to gleam from the internet, it’s bloody scary.

The doctor thinks it might be something called Acoustic neuroma which is apparently a slow growing tumour on the nerve of hearing, and is quite rare. Thanks. That doesn’t really make me feel any better, but until she gets the results, neither of us will know what this hearing loss has been caused by.

Aside from the scary stuff, my beloved was involved in the second Ride to the Wall yesterday.This has become almost an annual pilgrimage by bikers from all over the UK, to the national memorial arboretum in Airewas.

According to the BBC website, there were over 5,000 bikes there, including a serving major general in uniform, who had ridden his Harley from Aldershot. This idea is not only to raise funds for the arboretum, but to show respect to the fallen in every war since the end of the Second World War, to the current conflict in Afghanistan.

Speaking of which, or rather typing of the war, there was one of the best quotes I have ever read in the paper yesterday.

I am not shaking your hand, Mr Blair. You’ve got blood on it

This was the quite understandable (and in my opinion quite acceptable) reaction of a bereaved father who was at the service of rememberance that was held in St Paul’s Cathedral on Friday.

Apparently, Mr Blair’s bodyguards ushered him away, and he looked visibly shocked. Good. Nothing like having it rammed home to you by someone who has lost their son in an illegal war. I guess this was just the “icing on the cake” as they say, as he’d already been criticised during the sermon by the Archbishop of Canterbury.

If I’m honest, I’d love to see Mr Blair in the Hague. Preferably in the dock, being charged with war crimes, because the second invasion of Iraq was illegal. Shrub (George W. Bush) just wanted to go one better than daddy, and remove Saddam Hussein from power.

Don’t get me wrong – Saddam was no saint by any stretch of the imagination, but if there was to be regime change, it should have been done with the sanction of the UN – not by a blood thirsty little war monger and his pet.

Ah well - time to call this quits - I've got bits and pieces to sort out today.

Back when I can - probably tomorrow.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Shell Shock....

Not the news I wanted to hear.  A good friend of mine has been told that she is now partially deaf in the left ear,with no obvious cause, but a benign tumor is suspected (if a tumour can be classified as begnign!)  Because of this, she now has to go for x-rays, and if they doesn't show anything, a scan. 

Talk about having a bombshell dropped.  I was told that the reason this had been held back, was because I've had a visit to the cardiologist today (I've got a leaking heart valve) and I will admit to having been somewhat preoccupied.  But that doesn't change the fact that I wish I had known - this really knocks my leak into perspective.

OK - the leak is a damned nuisance, and yes, it does interfere with my life (as much as I allow it!) but a brain tumour is another kettle of fish.  At least I can get the leak sorted with minimum invasion, but a tumour.....

Time to call this quits - I'm shaking.

Back when I can pull myself together.

Karen


Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Scared

I'm due to see the cardiologist at University Hospital Coventry (it used to be known as Walsgrave) this afternoon, and I don't mind admitting I'm scared out my tiny brain cell. It's stupid in a way, as I trust the guy implicitly, but that doesn’t stop the fear.

Why? Because my father died of a heart attack, and my aunt has a similar condition to me, so I guess that heart trouble is inherited from father’s side of the family. I was told whilst I was at university that I had a leaking heart valve, but not much more, and was allowed to scamper off and cause mayhem as I chose.

That’s fine when you’re 20, but I’m approaching my mid thirties, and things have changed, as in the leak has gotten worse. In hindsight, I should have kicked up more than I did, but I was more concerned with not losing my knee joint (I was told I had one more accident before I needed a replacement – scary when you’ve just turned 21!)

As it happens, it looks like I may well be used as a guinea pig for a new treatment, which means that I don’t get the “zip” effect and a shorter stay in hospital – i.e. overnight if I get my way! Hopefully, this will “cure” the problem. I use that term somewhat advisedly, as the only things that are certain in this life are death and taxes, and I am determined to make the most of whatever chance I get.

Time to call this quits – I’ve got to make tracks to the hospital.

Back later.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Weird teas...

Ok – a strange title, I admit, but it sums up what I have been drinking recently. Whilst I was on holiday in Madeira, I got rather fond (if you can become fond of a tea variety) of Lipton’s Vanilla Caramel tea.

It’s one of those peculiar things that you initially think “yuck” but once tried, you become hooked. I will admit to bringing three boxes back home with me in the suitcase. Yes, I know it’s a strange thing to bring back from holiday, but you can’t get it here.

Plus, I’ve been given a small packet of a fruit infusion from The Golden Monkey Tea Company. No – I’m not making the name up – it’s on Smith Street in Warwick. It’s called Bora Bora, and I have no idea what it tastes like –I’ll have to bring my tea infusion ball into work on Monday, so I can try it.

Ah well – time to call this quits – It’s time for me to escape.

Back later…

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Breaking News

I've just recieved a breaking news text from the BBC (good service - means I get kept up to date with major news sories whilst I'm away from my PC or TV)

American President Barak Obama has won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.

Err - forgive me for being dumb - but what for?  The offical blurb states that it's for (and I quote)

"His extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and co-operation between peoples"

Ok - I can agee with that seniment, but surely, it would have made more sense to wait and see how things pan out, and then give him the award.  But, maybe that's just me being cynical - I've seen the hype that a new politican can create (just look back at 1997 when a certain T. Blair took office here in the UK) and the resulting aftermath when the population realised that they may well have made a bad mistake...  Only we've taken 12 years to realise ours!  At least the Americans get a chance every 4 years to correct their mistakes...

Ah well, guess  I should call this quits - I'm supposed to be working, not blogging.

Back later...

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most