Escaping on the 'Hog...

And no - it's not me. It's my best mate. The lucky sod has gone to Ireland for the European Hog ralley, and has been sending me little messages to let me know how he's getting on...

The first one arrived on my 'phone at 11:25...

Just stopped for lunch and a pee break - it's f*****g freezing! Speak soon.

Diddums. What I didn't realise was that he'd left home at 04:30, and that was the reason for the early lunch break!

The second message made me smile:-

Hey you, on board ship out on top deck in the sun but leavin' late. Take care.

Rather him than me - I hate boats - the smallest swell has me hanging over the edge of the boat throwing up, and being generally very unwell. But, I will admit that I wish that I was able to go with him as it sounded like it was going to be a real scream...

He sent me a third message just before 21:00 to let me know that the group had arrived in Wexford ok, and that things seemed to be ok, and then I got a final message after midnight, asking me if I could call him...

Not a problem, and we had a quick chat, as he was shattered and I had to be at work this morning.

But, at least I know he's ok, and he's promised to show me the pictures when he gets back, as he said that the bikes were incredible...

Guess I should get on with some w*rk, but I'm still half asleep, and suffering from a severe case of TNFI...

Back later - if I'm still awake!

Karen.
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

When a world turns upside down...

And it's not mine this time. It's Julian's. His parter has been diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma, and he called me whilst I was on my lunchbreak, having just recieved the news.

The poor guy is devastated, and to be honest, it's knocked me for six as well, as his partner has always been really fit and healthy - or so I thought. Just goes to prove that appearances can be decieving.

But, at the end of the day, all I can do is be at the end of a 'phone and escape to see them at the weekend to make sure that they're ok, and try and make the pair of them laugh...

Time to call this quits - I need to get this call on my mobile.

Back when I get the chance....

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Someone knows how to make me smile...

This got sent to me and I will admit it did make me smile, as some of the sentiments are reather apt....

Enjoy.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command:C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

------------------

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Free Sex Plus and Clean house 2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.

Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbo Strop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Signed,

Unlucky

------------------
Dear Unlucky:

C'est la vie!

Tech Support

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Soreness and stiches

Mum came home on Friday afternoon, and was quite well considering the operation was only in the morning...

Admittedly, she didn't feel like eating very much, but I was just glad to have her back home, and I know that the furry fiends were glad to have her back as well...

She seems ok in herself, and has said that the sawbones came to see her before she was discharged, and told her that the operation had gone quite well, and that the wound was very deep.

Not surprising really, when you consider that the screw had made it's break for freedom through the bone in her right leg, and then migrated outwards and upwards through the muscle layers, and the only thing keeping it in place was her skin!

Ok - I know that sounds revolting, but it's the best way to describe what happened...

Time to call this quits - I need to get some sleep tonight, as I'm back into the office tomorrow - worst luck.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Fingers crossed...

Well, I'm sitting at my computer again, this time waiting to for the hospital to call me and say that Mum's ready to come home.

We got to the hospital at 07:00 this morning, and I'll say one thing - I can see why people pick up infections - the ward wasn't terribly clean, and I was more than a little reluctant to leave Mum there!

Don't get me wrong - I've got nothing but praise for the nurses and the sawbones - who actually listened to what that patient said.

He gave Mum two options - one involved having bone chipped away from the head of the broken screw so that the whole thing could be removed, or the option that Mum has chosen - which was to have the broken piece removed and leave the other bit in place, as it wasn't causing her any problems.

So, I left the hospital at about 08:45, and headed for home, and started playing on the computer - ok - I started to write an Access database to help me at work, but that quickly lost its appeal and I've been alternating between playing Divine Divinity (I've still not finished the game yet - I keep getting wiped out by the end bad guy!) as well as attempting to update the blog.

I've got a feeling that this might have to go on hold for a while, as Mum's not going to be too steady on her feet - ok - I'll rephrase that. She's going to need me around to make sure that she's ok, and that the dressings are ok...

Time to call this quits - I need to go and get the 'phone in case the hospital call me...

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Wondering what I’ve done wrong…

Ever had one of those moments when you wished you’d never done something? Well I had one of those when I was heading for home this evening.

It started out perfectly innocuously, when I called my best mate, and asked what sort of day he’d had… It was like opening the floodgates and as the call went on, I was getting more and more upset as I felt so damned helpless.

Add into that, the mere fact my friend wasn’t very impressed with me, because I’d left a message with a colleague to say that Mum was going into hospital tomorrow for the operation to remove the broken part of the screw in her right leg.

In the end, I suggested that I called him back later, as he was so wound up and it wasn’t doing me any good hearing him like that.

I got home and was somewhat subdued, but the furry fiends went out of their way to be nice to me, so I felt a bit better than I did, and retreated upstairs to play on the computer (which is where I’ve been since 19:30 this evening!)

My friend must have realised that I was upset, and sent me the following message:

I’m sorry – I’m just so wound up – don’t take it too hard, I’ll get it sorted out one way or another. Take care Kaz x

 That really touched me, and I will admit wishing that I’d been a little more forgiving that I had been, but given the fact that I’m worried about Mum’s operation it’s not really an easy time for me either…

It's not easy, nothing to say 'cause it's already said.
It's never easy.
When I look on your eyes then I find that I'll do fine.
When I look on your eyes then I'll do better.

Time to call this quits – I need to be up early to take Mum to the hospital tomorrow morning…

Back tomorrow…

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Something to consider…

I make no apologies for this - it made me smile....

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ... times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock to.”

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Womanand he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,” That will make your husband the richest man in the world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. "

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Into the dragon’s den…

Well, I’ve had my review and I’ve survived – quite well, considering I was expecting to get blasted for my comments the other day…

There are targets for me to work to, which I’m not unhappy about, and have been told that the work I do with the OTR tyres is well thought of within the company, as the processes that I have brought in appear to be working well.

Aside from that, I’ve been able to sow the seeds for a couple of escapes in the future – one to an agricultural show (on the grounds that it might be of use to me to meet the end users / dealers so that I can get a better idea of the sort of information that they need) as well as going to a quarry.

Time to call this quits – don’t really want to blot my copy book so soon after my review!

Back later…

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Dead man walking?

That’s how my best mate has described himself today. He’s got a big meeting this afternoon (when I’m on my lunch break) and has said that he’s really worried about this meeting, and gets the feeling that his manager is trying his best to force him to walk out.

Like a soldier ant, I will wait for the signal to act
To take a walk right through the door
If you don't want me here any more

He said that he realised just how little support he got, when he was off recovering from his car accident, as the people that contacted him were people that don’t work with him - i.e. myself and another lass.

Someone to count on, in a world ever changin'.
Here I am stop where you're standin'.

But, it’s funny – we seem to spend so much time on the phone to each other, that I get to know how he’s feeling – and vice versa – there’s no way that I can pull the wool over his eyes on some things!

There's nowhere left to hide
In no one to confide
The truth runs deep inside
And will never die

Aside from that, I’m worried about how things will turn out for me here, as not a damned thing has been said about me blowing a fuse, and I get the feeling that something will be mentioned in my review (which I should have had by now, as I’ve been with the company 2 years (God – where has that time gone?))

But, at the end of the day, all I can do for my best friend is be there for him, and give him all the love and support that I possibly can do, and just help him cope with whatever life throws at him – ‘cause he’s done that and more for me just recently!

Guess I should think about doing some work, but to be honest, I’d rather be about 75 miles south of here!

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

When the jokes start rolling in…

This was sent to me, and made me smile, so I couldn't resist posting it!

Enjoy.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

*******************************************************************

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother. The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had seen. Then the fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she hadseen. Thenn.Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

The other joke that made me smile was this one...

Two alligators

Two alligators were sittin' at the side of a swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "Ah can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age; we was the same size as kids. Ah just don't git it."

"Well," said the big 'gaiter, "What you been eatin', boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do ya catch 'em?"

"Down at t'other side of the swamp, near the parkin' lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, ah crawls up under one o' them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the door. Then, ah jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em up!"

"Aw!" says the big alligator, "Ah thinks ah see yer problem. Ya ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit outta a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase."

Rumblings in the distance…

And it ain’t the delicate sound of thunder either. It’s the sound of a manager starting to take his irritation out on someone who has decided to call time on her role here.

No – it’s not me – it’s one of the others, and because she’s had the decency to let him know what she was doing, he’s been like a bear with a sore ass. If she makes the slightest goof up, then he nails her, and yet me? I make a goof, and it’s a case of ‘oh well, these things happen’.

Seems like my time has come
And now I'm moving on
I'll be stronger

Aside from that (and I freely admit to trying my best to stay out of the line of fire for the time being), things seem to be improving for my best mate. I won’t say that he’s overjoyed with things at his company, but he seems happier than he’s been for a while – I just hope that this continues!

However, he’s still in pain with the injuries he sustained in the car accident back in March, and is still seeing the chiropractor, whom he refers to as a sadist.

Why he ends up in so much pain after he’s been is a mystery to me, as I seem to get off lightly compared to him – although just recently, I will admit to feeling like I’ve been run over by a steam roller!

But, I have been told that I should give up horse riding until this problem with my shoulder is sorted out. That went down like a ton of bricks with me, and I will admit that I said ‘sod it’ last night, and went riding… Oh my god – did I pay for it!

I dismounted after a fairly gentle ride (10 miles – I usually rack up 25 when I’m out in an evening) and my legs felt like jelly, and my back and shoulder felt like there was a demon hoard taking carving lessons on my bones!

It's my life
It's now or never
But I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

I didn’t get my sympathy from my best mate (and to be honest, I didn’t really expect to get any) as I’d gone riding against instructions, but he seemed more concerned that I hadn’t injured myself any further.

Ah well, suppose I should think about doing some work, but I’m suffering from a severe case of TNFI…

Back later, if I get the chance.

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Farewell to Peugeot UK??

Well, it's finally happened. Peuegot has decided to close the Ryton plant, on economic grounds. I can understand Peugot's reasons - they have to ship in everything that they need to build to cars at Ryton (they currently build the 206 and the 206 SW), and then have to deal with the expense of shipping the cars back into Europe.


There have been calls to boycott Peugeot cars, but I'm afraid that the writing has been on the wall for a long time. Even before Peugeot took over the site, one previous owner threatened to stop car production, and said that they would make washing machines instead.

Ok - I can sympathise with the workforce, but my sympathy is tempered by the knowledge that I had to wait in excess of 8 weeks to get my car - and it wasn't something super exotic! Ok - it's a small auto, but that shouldn't have caused that sort of delay...

Time to call this quits - I'm supposed to be working...

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Biting the bullet

I’m more than a little fed up at the moment, simply because I’m irritated by the lack of support that I seem to be getting from certain members of my department. However, as I decided to make my feelings known I get the feeling that I’m going to be hauled over hot coals for my comments yesterday.

To be honest, I just don’t care, as I’ve got enough on my plate as it is – I’ve got to go back to the doctor next Friday for blood tests, as the nurse wasn’t happy with my blood pressure, and the fact that if one of the cats sneeze, I bruise.

Add into that mixture that I’m really worried about my mate, and you get a stressed out tigger. The poor bugger is fast approaching breaking point, and has said that the sooner he gets out of the company he’s working for, the happier he’s going to be. I know that I shouldn’t worry about him, but hearing him so down really upsets me.

Ah well, suppose I should get on with some work, but my heart’s not really in it at all…

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Am I losing the plot???

I've done nothing but cry today. The slightest thing, and that's it - it's like someone's turned on the waterworks.

I wish I knew what the hell was causing me to feel like this, beacuse all it's doing is destroying my confidence - and upsetting someone who doesn't need me adding to his woes.

Guess I should call this quits - I've got loads of work that I'm supposed to be doing, and my heart just isn't in it...

Back when I can get some semblance of order to my emotions and thoughts...

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Hemel, Brooklands and tears

The title of this entry sums up the weekend that I've just had. I should have suspected that I wasn't my normal self when I managed to overshoot the turning to the services on the A41. Mainly because I was too intent on proving to some fool in an under-powered Vauxhall Corsa that he shouldn't try taking on a 1.6 Peugeot 206 - especially when it's in sports mode!

So, me being me, decided to see if there was another turn, and called my friend to say that I thought I'd over shot the turn. Which as it turned out I had done and will freely admit to muttering all kinds of unkind things about wrong directions and things like that.

Thankfully, my friend was a real darling, and met me in Hemel and guided me home -via the local chip shop for dinner!

His family were really pleasant, and we sat chatting about family, friends and common interests, and I will admit to being only too glad to get some sleep - even if it was on the sofa, as I was knackered.

Saturday morning seemed to come all too soon, and my friend scared the hell out of me by touching the back of my hand... I will admit to jumping and I think it took him by surprise, but I had been out for the count!

We headed to Brooklands, and I will admit to feeling slightly unsettled. Why, I have no idea, but in hindsight, I guess that it was because I knew in the back of my mind that this was a place that I'd wanted to visit with Dad, and would never get the chance to do so.

There were some beautiful cars there, and more to the point, several exhibts that I was determined to see - including the Concorde that was being restored. The tail was stood on several truck tyres, and one of the volunteers said that the restoration should be finished by July this year.

We also watched the cars going up the Brooklands test hill - including one brave soul in a Fiat 500 - complete with a trailer!

Then, Sunday it was a trip to the gallery where my friend gets most of his beautiful WWII aircraft prints. I was ok until I saw the Concorde print, complete with the signatures of the respective captains. That just opened the floodagtes, and I burst into tears. I couldn't help it - the memories that had been stirred up by my trip to Brooklands (where Dad started his apprenticeship) and seeing the print was the straw that broke the tigger.

My friend was a real angel, and did his best to help me, but I know that he wasn't sure what he could do to help me, which seemed to really upset him.

The trouble was, there wasn't a damned thing that anyone could do to help me - I know this time of year is not good for me, as I tend to go to pieces at the slightest thing, and in hindsight, I should have perhaps warned him that I was fragile...

Guess I should call this entry quits - I've got to make peace with the furry fiends, who are both giving me the evil eye as I've had the nerve to leave them for a couple of days...

Back when I get the chance - or more to the point, if I'm still in one piece from the fiends!

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Getting ready to escape…

As I type this, I don’t mind admitting that I’m nervous. Why I have no idea, but I guess that it’s just me being slightly apprehensive – simply because I’m heading south to spend a few days with my daft hog riding friend and his family.

Thankfully, he’s been a real darling and sent me directions, so all I have to do is read them and follow them to the point where we’re supposed to meet up...

Aside from that, I gave Mum her birthday present last night, and I half expected her to lynch me as she realised what I’d bought her as soon as she saw the bag it was in (no – I didn’t wrap it up – I just about had time to draw breath on Wednesday, let alone get the peace and quiet to wrap the present up!)

What I’d bought her was a piece of studio glass – from the Okra glass factory. It was a one off piece made for B W Thornton in Stratford, and as soon as I saw it, I fell for it.

Ok – I knew that I would end up going there for Mum’s present, but I had no idea what to get her, and was totally open minded about what I got – the only limit being that I was unwilling to pay more that £200 for whatever I decided to get her.

Admittedly, £200 sounds an awful lot, but given that Dad and I had bought one piece for £350 (which is truly spectacular), I felt that it was a reasonable level to set. In the end, the piece was very reasonable - £60!

Mum was over the moon, and said that it was just the sort of thing that she would have bought, and that she knew as soon as she saw the bag what it was likely to be… I just neglected to tell her that I’d taken yesterday morning off to get it for her!

I also had to go back to Warwick hospital yesterday... I was due to see the sawbones about my shoulder (which is no better - more in a bit) and also got my ribs checked over. The ribs have healed, and I've been given the all clear to start riding again, as long as I wear my body armour!

However, the shoulder is still giving me serious grief, and I don't think I've done myself any favours by refusing the cortisone jab that the sawbones wanted to do yesterday.

The only reason that I refused was because I'm heading south today, and I have no intention of going to see a good friend when I'm in pain with my shoulder and suffering from the after effects of the cortisone jab. So, it's off to the hospital on July 6th to get the jab in the shoulder.

Until then, I'm going to have to grin and bear it, and hope that I'm not too bad tempered after the drive this afternoon...

Guess I should call this entry quits – I’m supposed to be working, not blogging!

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Tears, frustration and irritation

Today has not been a good day for me. It started off when I had a row with one of the girls in the office, as I refused to go to the quiz night next month. Why? Simply because it will be two years to the date that my Dad died – and I have FAR more important things to do, other than watching the members of my department making complete fools of themselves with their lack of knowledge on world events.

To compound a rotten day in the office you can add into the equation the mere fact that I’m still in pain because of my trip to the chiropractor (who’s still trying to finish putting my vertebrae back into their correct positions), and you get an unhappy tigger.

The final straw that broke the tigger’s back was when the alarm went off for no apparent reason. Which is why I’m sitting at my computer at 00:23 updating my blog – thank god I’m off today, otherwise I would be completely wiped out.

Mum knows that I’m off in the afternoon, but she doesn’t know that I’ve booked the morning off so that I can go and get her birthday present – and I haven’t got the foggiest idea what to get her!

Time to call this quits – I need to get some sleep if I can…

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Actual annoucements...

I've always been a fan of this sort of thing, and I just couldn't resist posting them..

Enjoy.

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1."Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2. "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3. "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4. "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...’."

5. "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.”

6. "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7. During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8. "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!”
(Pause.)
"Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9. "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10. "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11. "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12."To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13. "Please move all baggage away from the doors.”
(Pause...)
"Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.”
(Pause...)
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14."May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Why we like the British - From British Newspapers!

This got sent to me, and I just couldn’t resist posting it….

Why we like the British - From British Newspapers!

1. Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.”

(The Daily Telegraph)

2. Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

3. Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

4. A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common.”
(The Times)

5. At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

6. Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Let go of the past

Your journey has moulded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. There is no shortcutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.


No regrets. As we become more aware, we begin to realize that there's a purpose to everything that happens. This builds our trust, and supports us in being willing to be more open and daring to really experience life as it unfolds.

I don't think anymore needs to be said.

Karen

Learing to fly, but I don't have wings