A Gwyneth Paltrow moment? No chance - I'm not wearing waterproof mascara!

I think the title sums this post up.. I've just got back from the company conference, where I won an award for customer service! I know this sounds really corny, but it was the last thing that I expected!

I was quietly minding my own business (trying not to get caught snoozing) when I heard my name being called, to go and collect this award. I was mortified, and you could have fried eggs on my cheeks.

The award itself was £50 in leisure vouchers, a certificate and a bottle of Moet & Chandon champagne. I was trying not to cry when I was being given the award, and afterwards, my friends and colleagues were joking about me doing a "Gwyenth Paltrow" - i.e. crying all the time I was on the stage.

I also got told that I was too young to drink the champagne, and that I should had it over to "more responsible" persons. Needless to day, the more "responsible" persons got told to "Sod off" as I have every intention of sharing this bottle of champagne with my beloved.

Not that I admitted who I was going to drink it with - all I said was that I was going to drink it with someone who had helped me a great deal over the past year, and without this person's help, I would have gone flat on my face.

Time to call this quits - the adrenaline is starting to wear off, and I need to get some sleep...

Back when my feet can touch the ground and my fingers can touch the keyboard again...

Karen

I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

Back to the postings...

I've not updated my blog for a while, as I managed to go down with the dreaded flu. It knocked me for six, and ended up causing me to take a week off work. Not really what I wanted to do, especially as I'd got a hospital appointment to get my shoulder sorted out...

The hospital wasn't a bad visit at all, especially as the registrar was a real gent... He said that there was no need for me to go back as there was nothing more that they could do, aside from sending me back for yet more physio - which I found to be beneficial, but I already know (and do) the exercises!

As I'd expected to get a jab in the shoulder, I'd booked the day off as holiday, so Mum and I headed off to Evesham to do some shopping... I got back, only to discover that I needed a sick note as I'd gone sick the week prior to my holiday. Great. That meant a trip to the doctors and £10 for a private sick note.

But, at least I got my day's holiday back, so that means that I can do somehting that I want to do with my holiday...

Suppose I should think about doing some w*rk, but I'm suffering from TNFI - which is as little worrying, as it's only Monday!

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

Throwing a spanner in the works....

Typical. They say the best laid plans of mice and tiggers have this horrible habit of going astray, and my plans are no different.

I was hoping to talk my beloved into going to Wolverhampton with me to go and see Gary Moore, but we agreed (in principal) to go to Oxford instead as it was closer for the pair of us. The idea was that the pair of us would take the day of the concert off, and then go to the concert in the evening.

Fine in theory. In practice? It sank without a trace, as it turned out that my beloved was supposed to be going to Whitley Bay the following morning and as he said, he didn't want to have to travel on very little sleep.

Needless to say, I'm not too happy, as I was really looking forward to going to see Gary Moore with my beloved, but I'm sure that we'll manage to get away together some time, and I would rather know that he was travelling when he was fully rested...

Suppose I should log off and bog off - I've got to feed the furry fiends...

Back when I get chance.

Karen

I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

Planning another escape (or four)...

Yes, I'm back to my usual tricks - planning escapes - both with Mum and on my own. The first escape is going to be one on my own - a singer that I like - Gary Moore - is going on tour, and I'm hoping to persuade my beloved to take a day or so to head up to Wolverhampton to go and see him with me.

The other escapes are going to be with Mum - we're going back to Jersey at the end of March for a week, and back to Madeira the end of June for a couple of weeks - but I'll be back in time to get down to Silverstone for the British Grand Prix with my godsprog.

As for other escapes, well, I'll just have to see what heads my way and see where life takes me - but I know that there is another possible escape on the horizon - again, with Mum.

This time, it's another weeding (I mean wedding) - my cousin Alex is getting married the beginning of September in Brighton, so that means I've got to find a decent top to wear with my dark suit - there's no way I'm going to get anything else (like a dress) as I know damned well that I would never wear it again - well voluntarily anyway!!

Ah well, guess I should think about doing some work, but I'm suffering from a sever case of TNFI (totally no ******g interest) - and it's only Tuesday!

Back when I get the chance...

Karen

I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

A new year, and fresh hopes

Well, Quentin is on the road to recovery, but is still very ill. Julian did have a New Year celebration - he spent it with Mum, me and a couple of close family friends, as Mum said that there was no way that he was going to spend New Year's eve on his own.

Me? Well I'm not quite sure what this year will bring me - apart from more surprises - especially where my beloved is concerned. But, I'll cross those bridges as and when I come to them - no point in trying to add stress and hassle to my life!

Guess I should call this quits - Jules is ready to head to the hospital to see Quentin, and I said I'd go as well...

Back when I get chance..

Karen

I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

Finishing the year with a scare

Not the sort of news that I wanted to get.

I’ve just had a ‘phone call from Julian - his partner has been rushed into hospital with Pneumonia, and is seriously ill. That's not the worst part - Quentin has got non-Hodgkins lymphoma, and has only just recovered from a course of chemo.

We'd been planning our normal New Year bash - i.e. out to dinner, go and make idiots of ourselves on the dance floor of our favourite club, and then pile into our normal Balti-hut for breakfast.

That was the plan. But this news has really gone and scuppered everything, and Julian feels that he's let me and the rest of the gang down. OK - I can't speak for the rest of the group that I knock around with, but Jules is a victim of this rotten bug that has put Quentin in hospital.

As far as I'm concerned, my New Year can be re-arranged - all I want is Quentin fit and well - not to mention putting Ricky Martin to shame with the swivelling hips on the dance floor!

Time to call this quits - I said that I would go to the hospital with Jules.

No idea when I'll get chance to put finger to keyboard again, so I'll try my best to keep notes on the ups and downs...

Back when time allows.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

A turkey's idea of Christmas?

Merry Christmas to one and all

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Chilling out before Christmas

There's something magical about seeing someone you love just before Christmas - and that's what I've been lucky enough to do this weekend.

I’d arranged to meet my beloved at the Green Man pub / restaurant, with the idea being that it was a weekend for the pair of us to kick back, shut out the world and spend some time together – with no-one demanding that we pay attention to them.

All I will say is that I’m nicely chilled out, and am ready to face the madness that is Christmas, and that nothing will be able to rattle my confidence.

Time to call this quits – I’ve still got a few bits and pieces to sort out…

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Something to sum up Christmas....

Occasionally, you come across a real gem - and I think this is one!

Enjoy.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

*************************************************

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas - old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches 'cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money - the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible - those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls - their arms, legs, and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - no request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde - I'm going SOUTH for the season.

The apparent taming of Hell's kitten....

Well, Splodge seems to be behaving herself at the moment, and I’m not quite sure why.

She came and curled up on the sofa next to me, and seemed content to snooze without trying to bite / claw me or force me off the sofa so that she could have it to herself.

Why she’s decided to bury the hatchet (or rather claws & fangs) with me is a mystery to me, but who am I to look a gift horse (or in this case - cat) in the mouth.

Whatever the reason, I’m going to make the most of it – but there is no way I’m going to trust her whilst I’m asleep – the only cat that will share my bed for the time being is Fred!

Time to call this quits – I’m off to feed the furry fiends

Back later…

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Trying to tame Hell's kitten

I swear if I shaved Splodge, I would find the number "666" tattooed under the fur. Mum can't understand why I've taken such a dislike to the evil little swine – but it’s not her feet that are bearing the imprint (and more) of her needle-sharp teeth and claws.

Even poor little Fred isn’t safe from her spite. All he wants is somewhere warm and safe to curl up and sleep for as long as he likes – without spiteful interference.

I keep being told by people allegedly in the know, that Splodge is only reacting like this, because she’s trying to find her place in the bigger scheme of things. Crap. She’s just spiteful!

But, I guess that I should give the evil little sod the benefit of the doubt and try bribing her to be nice to me… I have no idea why she’s taken such a dislike to me, but if I want to be able to walk around the house in bare feet safely, then I’ll have to see how things pan out…

Time to call this entry quits – I’ve got to try and make peace with hell’s kitten.

Back later if I’ve not been ripped to shreds…

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Hell's kitten has invaded my home....

And I'm not happy. Mum and I went to the local cat's protection shelter, where she fell for this little ball of tabby fur, with a white patch on it's head. I said that it looked like a splodge of paint on it's head, and walked out.

Little did I realise that whilst I was outside, Mum was making the necessary arrangements to adopt the spiteful ball of fur that has become the bane of my life (not to mention my bare feet!)

Even though I have voiced my disapproval / dislike of this hellish kitten, Mum has fallen for it's sweet and allegedly innocent appearance - despite the fact that she terrorises Fred - who hasn't got a mean bone in his furry little body.

And before I get suggestions about trying to bribe the kitten into being my friend / that it's only reacting like this because it's scared, etc - forget it. It's a little horror, and I would give anything to have the Pont back - so he could show it (Splodge) who's boss - and it sure as hell isn't Hell's Kitten!


Back when I've fed Fred and the demon....

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

An attempt at the Darwin award....

I make no comment on this - mine is but to post such little gems....

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

*************************************************

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian Workers' Compensation Board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....


Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs..

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in abarrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping unti lthe fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Something to bring calmness into a manic life…

I wonder if this would work….

By following the simple advice, I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.


Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished.”


So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of white Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have absolutely no idea how freaking good I feel right now!


That Dr. Phil is smart!

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Pet Rules...

I think I should get this printed, ready for use at home - especially as a new kitten has been added to the family... Don't get me wrong, I normally love cats, but I think this kitten is an evil little swine, that will never replace the Pont, as long as I breathe!

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Cats and Dogs

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.

Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats and dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, meow, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat or dog’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:


To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain about Our Pets:

1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Cats and dogs are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10.Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Car wars....

This has been doing the 'rounds for a while, and made me smile...

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

*************************************************

The best Ad war in recent memory!

1. BMW started this advertisement

2. Audi answered:

3. Subaru needs to say something:

4. Bentley Chairman wanted the last word:

A visit to a city’s history

What a way to send a weekend! I spent time with someone who means an awful lot to me, and I was able to see and do things with someone who enjoys the same sort of things as I do – i.e. we’re both petrol heads!

It started on Saturday, meeting at our normal meeting point of Warwick services (ok – the services are closer to Gaydon, but that’s just local knowledge speaking!)

We had a coffee and our normal chat about the route, then headed into Coventry to the park and ride at the Memorial park, as parking in Coventry is horrendously expensive.

As the main point of interest didn’t open until 10am, I suggested that we visited the two cathedrals. No – I didn’t mistype that – Coventry has two cathedrals - the old cathedral (the one that the Germans bombed in 1940) and the new one, which was built next to the old cathedral in the 1960s.

The old cathedral still has remnants of the stained glass that decorated the windows, and is most noted for the so-called Cross of Nails:

The Cross of Nails – on the night of 14 November 1940, the city of Coventry was devastated during an air raid and its cathedral burned. Shortly afterwards three nails from the bombed roof timbers were taken and formed into the shape of a cross…

In places, the damage from the bombs can still be seen on the outer walls of the old cathedral, and I will admit, I’d never really taken much notice until my friend remarked on it.

The new cathedral however, is very different. The outside has a huge bronze sculpture of St Michael and the Devil, by Sir Jacob Epstein, and is quite an impressive sight.

But, I guess the thing that the cathedral is most famous for (apart from standing next to the bombed ruin of the old cathedral) is the huge tapestry – Christ in Glory. I seem to recall being told that this is one of the largest tapestries in the world…

Then, it was off to the main reason for my friend coming into the city – the Museum of Road Transport. The museum is a real mix of old, new and incredibly fast (it holds both the land speed record cars – Thrust 2 and Thrust SSC) and holds some incredibly rare and unusual cars.

There was one car that I was really keen on seeing – Thrust SSC. When it was brought back from America (after breaking the land speed record and the sound barrier) I wasn’t able to go to the parade that was held to celebrate its success, so seeing it in its new home in the museum was a real treat for me.

After seeing that, the rest of the museum seemed to be a little bit of a come-down, but the exhibits were quite interesting. They had a small section of motorcycles, which was quite interesting for me, as they had one of the original speedway bikes!

Sunday was a lazier day, as the pair of us headed to the National Motorcycle Museum at Bickenhill. This was the museum that my friend had been teasing me about acting as the guide for him, as he is passionate about his own bike.

However, that didn’t stop him falling for a 1930’s motorcycle. He said that it had nearly every feature that he takes for granted on his own bike.

My own personal favourite was (and still is) the 1969 Triumph Bonneville. Ok – I know all the arguments about it being unreliable, etc but it is still one of those bikes that I have a real soft spot for.

Guess I should call this quits – I’m supposed to be working, not blogging!

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Why females should avoid girls night out after they are married...

Amazing what I get sent....

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings


The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told Chris that I would be home by midnight, "I promise."

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3:00 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing Chris would wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = midnight.)

The next morning Chris asked me what time I got in and I told him

"Midnight."

He didn't seem upset at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh shit", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Deep thoughts...

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like Night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Back from Cornwall, and looking forward to another escape...

I seem to do nothing but plan escapes just recently. This time, it's a personal escape - i.e. a single escape, to meet up with a very close friend of mine.

It's something that I've really been looking forward to, as it means that I'll be spending time with someone who shares my passion for cars and bikes. This time, it's on my "home" turf - Coventry, so that means that I'll be able to act as a guide in the city that my grandparents (on Mum's side) grew up in.

But, before I get to the escape, there are other things that I'll be doing - one of them being going to the glass fair at the Heritage Motor Centre at Gaydon. Hopefully, Ill be able to get Mum's christmas present, otherwise it means another trip into Stratford.

Ah well, guess I should call this quits - got places to go and people to annoy....

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings