Finishing the year with a scare

Not the sort of news that I wanted to get.

I’ve just had a ‘phone call from Julian - his partner has been rushed into hospital with Pneumonia, and is seriously ill. That's not the worst part - Quentin has got non-Hodgkins lymphoma, and has only just recovered from a course of chemo.

We'd been planning our normal New Year bash - i.e. out to dinner, go and make idiots of ourselves on the dance floor of our favourite club, and then pile into our normal Balti-hut for breakfast.

That was the plan. But this news has really gone and scuppered everything, and Julian feels that he's let me and the rest of the gang down. OK - I can't speak for the rest of the group that I knock around with, but Jules is a victim of this rotten bug that has put Quentin in hospital.

As far as I'm concerned, my New Year can be re-arranged - all I want is Quentin fit and well - not to mention putting Ricky Martin to shame with the swivelling hips on the dance floor!

Time to call this quits - I said that I would go to the hospital with Jules.

No idea when I'll get chance to put finger to keyboard again, so I'll try my best to keep notes on the ups and downs...

Back when time allows.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

A turkey's idea of Christmas?

Merry Christmas to one and all

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Chilling out before Christmas

There's something magical about seeing someone you love just before Christmas - and that's what I've been lucky enough to do this weekend.

I’d arranged to meet my beloved at the Green Man pub / restaurant, with the idea being that it was a weekend for the pair of us to kick back, shut out the world and spend some time together – with no-one demanding that we pay attention to them.

All I will say is that I’m nicely chilled out, and am ready to face the madness that is Christmas, and that nothing will be able to rattle my confidence.

Time to call this quits – I’ve still got a few bits and pieces to sort out…

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Something to sum up Christmas....

Occasionally, you come across a real gem - and I think this is one!

Enjoy.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

*************************************************

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas - old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches 'cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money - the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible - those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls - their arms, legs, and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - no request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde - I'm going SOUTH for the season.

The apparent taming of Hell's kitten....

Well, Splodge seems to be behaving herself at the moment, and I’m not quite sure why.

She came and curled up on the sofa next to me, and seemed content to snooze without trying to bite / claw me or force me off the sofa so that she could have it to herself.

Why she’s decided to bury the hatchet (or rather claws & fangs) with me is a mystery to me, but who am I to look a gift horse (or in this case - cat) in the mouth.

Whatever the reason, I’m going to make the most of it – but there is no way I’m going to trust her whilst I’m asleep – the only cat that will share my bed for the time being is Fred!

Time to call this quits – I’m off to feed the furry fiends

Back later…

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Trying to tame Hell's kitten

I swear if I shaved Splodge, I would find the number "666" tattooed under the fur. Mum can't understand why I've taken such a dislike to the evil little swine – but it’s not her feet that are bearing the imprint (and more) of her needle-sharp teeth and claws.

Even poor little Fred isn’t safe from her spite. All he wants is somewhere warm and safe to curl up and sleep for as long as he likes – without spiteful interference.

I keep being told by people allegedly in the know, that Splodge is only reacting like this, because she’s trying to find her place in the bigger scheme of things. Crap. She’s just spiteful!

But, I guess that I should give the evil little sod the benefit of the doubt and try bribing her to be nice to me… I have no idea why she’s taken such a dislike to me, but if I want to be able to walk around the house in bare feet safely, then I’ll have to see how things pan out…

Time to call this entry quits – I’ve got to try and make peace with hell’s kitten.

Back later if I’ve not been ripped to shreds…

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Hell's kitten has invaded my home....

And I'm not happy. Mum and I went to the local cat's protection shelter, where she fell for this little ball of tabby fur, with a white patch on it's head. I said that it looked like a splodge of paint on it's head, and walked out.

Little did I realise that whilst I was outside, Mum was making the necessary arrangements to adopt the spiteful ball of fur that has become the bane of my life (not to mention my bare feet!)

Even though I have voiced my disapproval / dislike of this hellish kitten, Mum has fallen for it's sweet and allegedly innocent appearance - despite the fact that she terrorises Fred - who hasn't got a mean bone in his furry little body.

And before I get suggestions about trying to bribe the kitten into being my friend / that it's only reacting like this because it's scared, etc - forget it. It's a little horror, and I would give anything to have the Pont back - so he could show it (Splodge) who's boss - and it sure as hell isn't Hell's Kitten!


Back when I've fed Fred and the demon....

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

An attempt at the Darwin award....

I make no comment on this - mine is but to post such little gems....

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

*************************************************

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian Workers' Compensation Board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....


Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs..

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in abarrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping unti lthe fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Something to bring calmness into a manic life…

I wonder if this would work….

By following the simple advice, I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.


Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished.”


So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of white Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have absolutely no idea how freaking good I feel right now!


That Dr. Phil is smart!

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Pet Rules...

I think I should get this printed, ready for use at home - especially as a new kitten has been added to the family... Don't get me wrong, I normally love cats, but I think this kitten is an evil little swine, that will never replace the Pont, as long as I breathe!

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Cats and Dogs

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.

Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats and dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, meow, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat or dog’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:


To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain about Our Pets:

1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Cats and dogs are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10.Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Car wars....

This has been doing the 'rounds for a while, and made me smile...

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

*************************************************

The best Ad war in recent memory!

1. BMW started this advertisement

2. Audi answered:

3. Subaru needs to say something:

4. Bentley Chairman wanted the last word:

A visit to a city’s history

What a way to send a weekend! I spent time with someone who means an awful lot to me, and I was able to see and do things with someone who enjoys the same sort of things as I do – i.e. we’re both petrol heads!

It started on Saturday, meeting at our normal meeting point of Warwick services (ok – the services are closer to Gaydon, but that’s just local knowledge speaking!)

We had a coffee and our normal chat about the route, then headed into Coventry to the park and ride at the Memorial park, as parking in Coventry is horrendously expensive.

As the main point of interest didn’t open until 10am, I suggested that we visited the two cathedrals. No – I didn’t mistype that – Coventry has two cathedrals - the old cathedral (the one that the Germans bombed in 1940) and the new one, which was built next to the old cathedral in the 1960s.

The old cathedral still has remnants of the stained glass that decorated the windows, and is most noted for the so-called Cross of Nails:

The Cross of Nails – on the night of 14 November 1940, the city of Coventry was devastated during an air raid and its cathedral burned. Shortly afterwards three nails from the bombed roof timbers were taken and formed into the shape of a cross…

In places, the damage from the bombs can still be seen on the outer walls of the old cathedral, and I will admit, I’d never really taken much notice until my friend remarked on it.

The new cathedral however, is very different. The outside has a huge bronze sculpture of St Michael and the Devil, by Sir Jacob Epstein, and is quite an impressive sight.

But, I guess the thing that the cathedral is most famous for (apart from standing next to the bombed ruin of the old cathedral) is the huge tapestry – Christ in Glory. I seem to recall being told that this is one of the largest tapestries in the world…

Then, it was off to the main reason for my friend coming into the city – the Museum of Road Transport. The museum is a real mix of old, new and incredibly fast (it holds both the land speed record cars – Thrust 2 and Thrust SSC) and holds some incredibly rare and unusual cars.

There was one car that I was really keen on seeing – Thrust SSC. When it was brought back from America (after breaking the land speed record and the sound barrier) I wasn’t able to go to the parade that was held to celebrate its success, so seeing it in its new home in the museum was a real treat for me.

After seeing that, the rest of the museum seemed to be a little bit of a come-down, but the exhibits were quite interesting. They had a small section of motorcycles, which was quite interesting for me, as they had one of the original speedway bikes!

Sunday was a lazier day, as the pair of us headed to the National Motorcycle Museum at Bickenhill. This was the museum that my friend had been teasing me about acting as the guide for him, as he is passionate about his own bike.

However, that didn’t stop him falling for a 1930’s motorcycle. He said that it had nearly every feature that he takes for granted on his own bike.

My own personal favourite was (and still is) the 1969 Triumph Bonneville. Ok – I know all the arguments about it being unreliable, etc but it is still one of those bikes that I have a real soft spot for.

Guess I should call this quits – I’m supposed to be working, not blogging!

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Why females should avoid girls night out after they are married...

Amazing what I get sent....

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings


The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told Chris that I would be home by midnight, "I promise."

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3:00 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing Chris would wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = midnight.)

The next morning Chris asked me what time I got in and I told him

"Midnight."

He didn't seem upset at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh shit", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Deep thoughts...

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like Night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Back from Cornwall, and looking forward to another escape...

I seem to do nothing but plan escapes just recently. This time, it's a personal escape - i.e. a single escape, to meet up with a very close friend of mine.

It's something that I've really been looking forward to, as it means that I'll be spending time with someone who shares my passion for cars and bikes. This time, it's on my "home" turf - Coventry, so that means that I'll be able to act as a guide in the city that my grandparents (on Mum's side) grew up in.

But, before I get to the escape, there are other things that I'll be doing - one of them being going to the glass fair at the Heritage Motor Centre at Gaydon. Hopefully, Ill be able to get Mum's christmas present, otherwise it means another trip into Stratford.

Ah well, guess I should call this quits - got places to go and people to annoy....

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Midnight Blues

Well, I'm back from Cornwall. I will admit, although it was nice to see my family, I'm only too glad to be back home.

Why? Because the old joke that "God gave you your relatives, but thank god you can choose your friends" has never been more apt at times.

Ok - maybe I'm being a little unkind to my family, but compared to the rest of the family - I'm subdued! I felt a little out of place at times, but as things started warming up (and the drink started flowing - I was driving so I didn't drink that much at all) I started feeling much more at ease with things.

However, it was when I was settling down, that I started to feel blue, and the song by Gary Moore - Midnight Blues sums up how I felt some nights...

It's the darkest hour

Of the darkest night

It's a million miles

From the morning light

Can't get no sleep

Don't know what to do

I've got those midnight blues

When the shadows fall

I feel the night closing in

There must be some reason

For this mood I'm getting in

Can't get no sleep

Don't know what to do

I've got those midnight blues

Every evening after sundown

As the light begins to fade

I feel so low, but I just don't know

Why these blues won't go away

Every evening after sundown

As the light begins to fade

I feel so low, but I just don't know

Why these blues won't go away

It's the darkest hour

Of the darkest night

It's a million miles

To the morning light

Can't get no sleep

Don't know what to do

I've got those midnight blues

I've got those midnight blues

I've got those midnight blues

I've got those midnight blues

Ah well, guess I should call this quits - I need to make peace with Fred.

Back tomorrow.

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Preparing to make another escape

No sooner am I back from a holiday, than I’m preparing for another one. This time, it’s because I’m going to my cousin’s wedding in Cornwall.

Mum and I are leaving on Saturday, staying for two nights in Indian Queens, and then heading to Truro, to meet up with the rest of the family.

The reason that we’re doing this is because once the family know that Mum and I are in the area, we won’t get any time to ourselves, as the family have a habit of organising things.

But, there are things that I want to do whilst I’m in Cornwall – one of them being to visit the Eden project (again) and go to Lands End and the Tate gallery in St Ives. Hopefully, the family will allow us time to do this, but I’m not sure what the arrangements will be.

I know the wedding is on Wednesday (apparently, farmer’s weddings are always held on a Wednesday or a Sunday – don’t ask me why!) but I’m hoping that Mum and I will be able to escape on our own.

Guess I should call this quits – I’m supposed to be working, not blogging!

Back when I return from Cornwall…

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

Back to the playpen (I mean office)

No, I was right the first time. Playpen.

You go away, and people say "oh yes, don't worry about your work, we'll look after it for you." What a pile of crap.

I got in, to discover that only the bare minimum had been done, and that there was an awful lot that I had to sort out, not to mention placating colleagues and customers who felt that they had been neglected whilst I was away.

So, I've spent most of the day chasing my tail, trying to get everything back under control, and ready for another hand over, as I'm only in the office for 10 working days due to the fact that my cousin is getting married down in Cornwall.

As I managed to avoid the last weeding (sorry - wedding!) I have to go to this one, especially as this will be the first time that I've seen the rest of my family since Dad's funeral. As he once said - the only time our family get together is for weddings and funerals - and at the moment, that seems to be horribly accurate!

Guess I should call this entry quits - I've got a home to go to.

Back tomorrow if i get the chance...

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

What you never hear...

Ok - I know some people will doubt that these are genuine transcripts, but my sources have yet to fail me...

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

*************************************************

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


*************************************************

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


*************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


*************************************************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


*************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

*************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus s had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights, and return to the airport."


*************************************************

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked.”

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

 Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach"


*************************************************

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?”


"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant.

"It took us a while to find a new pilot."

*************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war"


*************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7!”

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635 cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


*************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.

The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,


"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:


"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


*************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):”Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark - and I didn't land."


*************************************************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move 'till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

”Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.Just then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Three little pigs...

An new twist on an old tail perhaps?

Karen

Learning to fly, but I don't have wings

*************************************************

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots, and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots, and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots, and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE me for this....


The third piggy says -


"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!