How to make me smile...

Whilst I was grumping in my previous post about e-mails, my beloved sent me one:

You really didn’t think I'd forget to say hi now did you
I hope you are ok out there today
I just wanted to say hi
Speak to you later I'm sure
Lots of my day off love to you
My lovely tigz

That has really cheered me up, and I'm sitting at my desk with a smile on my face, and people are starting to wonder what I've been drinking. It's a fruit tea by Liptons - the Andalusia variety - it's citrus and orange blossom, so nothing illicit there.

Ah well, guess I should get on with some work, but I have a severe case of TNFI....

Back later.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

E-mail....

This is a wonderful device, but when someone sends an e-mail order to me AFTER I've left the office (and taken the trouble to put my out of office message on), you would have thought that the person concerned would have resent it to someone who could sort it.

But no, not this twiglet, and to add insult to my injury, it's not even my smegging account! It's the department bitch's account, and as this twiglet sends the orders after she's left the office for the day, I'm the one that gets left to sort it out.

As a result, I can see that I’m going to be the one that gets the earache, but as my supervisor says – other people should be copied in on the e-mail. But, I get the feeling that I’m still going to get the evil eye from the bitch, but as I’ve said – not my problem.

***Breaking News*** Twiglet resent the mail – to the other three people who were also off – including the department bitch! Talk about stupidity, as it looks like this got done at 16:50 – we all make a break for freedom at 17:00!

So this is a case of “like I really care?”  Not.

Back later.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

A weekend away…

Just what I needed. I spent the weekend with my beloved, and did as little as was humanly possible. The original plan was for us to go to the F1 day at Mercedes Benz world on the Sunday. However, this went “splat” as we didn’t get allocated the tickets (allegedly 45000 people requested tickets, but my guess was that most of those requests were duplicates...) So, that put paid to the original plan.

So, we decided that we would go to RAF Hendon on Sunday, as it was undercover (the weather wasn’t supposed to be too good – and I hate the cold!) But Saturday was a different matter entirely.

My shoulder has been playing up something wicked just recently, and I went to see my tame physio, to see if I could get this sorted out. Oh, it got sorted out ok – to the extent that I threw up! Stuart was really good about it, and gave me a disposable bowl, as I was at least able to warn him, before I threw up.

That knocked me about for a few minutes, and as I had to drive south, he made me promise that I would not only take things easy, but I would let him know that I had arrived ok.

That wasn’t an issue, and I took a leisurely drive down the A5 through Towcester, and stopped en-route for a break, as I really didn’t want to push my luck with my shoulder.

I got back on the road, and my beloved called to find out where I was – I was about half an hour away, stationary at traffic lights! For once in my life, I didn’t get lost and I was able to park on the drive and go into the house and get warm.

We’d arranged to go to a firework display that night, and I will admit to being very glad that I had “Stinky” with me (my late father’s Barbour coat with the detachable furry liner!) as it was bloody cold. The display was smashing, and I will admit to jumping every time there was a loud bang – no idea why, as normally I’m not bothered by such loud bangs…

Sunday itself was quite good fun – we went to RAF Hendon, and managed to get to see the Grahame-White Factory collection  This is where the historic WWI aircraft are kept. This hangar is something rather special, because it’s the only one of its type in existence. My beloved was able to explain the story behind the hangar.

It turned out that RAF Hendon sold the land where this hangar was located, and after much bargaining, the deal was reached to move the hangar, restore it and re-build it to modern building regulations, but keep as much of the original material as possible.

After that, it was a cold walk back to the main building, and into the Milestones of Flight aircraft collection.

This hall shows little gems, such as the de Havilland Mosquito (the wooden airplane – the glue used to hold it together is still classified under the official secrets act!)

As well as more “modern” aircraft like the BAe Harrier GR3:

And the ultra modern Eurofighter Typhoon:

But my favorite aircraft, I have to admit, is the North American P-51D Mustang. Simply because I love the mascot:

It was then a short, but cold walk though the covered walkway between the two halls, into the Bomber Command Hall.  The only drawback to this is the lighting in there is appalling. This meant the flash on the camera was very heavily utilised in a vain attempt to get any kind of photo!

The one thing that I did notice, was that there was more space than before, as some of the aircraft that had been in the bomber hall had been moved to the sister museum at RAF Cosford - planes such as the Valiant, which had been moved to the Cold War exhibition at RAF Cosford.It looked like they were doing some kind of restoration on the Buccaneer that was there.

However, S for Sugar, the big Lancaster bomber was still in pride of place in the middle of the bomber hall.

That wasn’t the only little gem that I managed to find. I also managed to find the Handley Page Halifax II. This aircraft looks like it should have been sent to the scrap yard, but it was recovered from Lake Hoklingen in Norway in 1973, and was taken to RAF Hendon in 1982. Whilst we were there, there were volunteers working on the aircraft. What they were doing, I truly do not have the foggiest.

It was then time for us to head across the car park to the Battle of Britain Memorial Hall, although this is now known as the Sunderland Hall for some reason...    The exhibits are something rather special, but again, the lighting lets them down really badly.

Ok - I agree with atmospheric lighting whilst the show "Our Finest Hour" is going on, but afterwards, decent lighting would allow people to enjoy the aircraft properly.

The camouflage on the Messerschmitt Bf 110G-2 was rather spectacular - a two tone mottled blue-grey top surface, with a light blue undersurface (no idea why this particular paint scheme - I just thought it made a rather dramatic photograph with the subdued lighting!)

But, once you left this part of the hall, the lighting difference was incredible (even allowing for the grotty British weather!)

As per my luck, the Sunderland wasn't open for the publick to walk though, but that didn't stop me getting some superb photographs...

After we finished at RAF Hendon, we took a quiet run home, and I will admit to falling asleep in front of the TV – only to be woken up by my beloved. We ended up going out for a curry, and I will admit it was really tasty (and very reasonable!)

The rest of the weekend?  Well, what can I say, other than it was a nicely chilled time, and I managed to sort out most things.  Although there was one cloud on the horizon...  My beloved woke up Monday morning in tears, and said that he'd had a dream.

Ok - not something I would normally worry about, but he said that it concerned me.  Ok - now I was worried.  He said that I'd told him (in the dream) that I wanted nothing to do with him, and that I was quite nasty about it, and that I was being egged on by someone (but he couldn't see who). 

That scared me, and I will admit I tried my best to reassure him that I have no intention of walking out on our relationship.  Later on, he said that he couldn't do without me in his life, and that he hoped I felt the same.  I do, and I know damned well that what ever happens, we'll always be there for each other, as I think I have finally found my soul-mate.

That's not something that I take lightly, and I have made myself a promise, that if he needs me, I will do everything in my power to be there for him, in spirit if not physically.

Ah well, guess I should call this quits - I'm supposed to be working, not blogging!

Back later.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

How dangerous is horse riding?

This post originates from the BBC website - I'll put my thoughts to it after the main post...

****************************************

The sacked drugs adviser Prof David Nutt famously compared its risks with those of ecstasy. But just how dangerous is horse riding?

There are dangers associated with horse riding. Anybody who has ever ridden will know that.

In hunting, point-to-point and eventing, often quite sizeable obstacles are jumped, opening up the possibility of a bad fall.

"It is one of the more dangerous sports, even though the safety equipment is very good," says Lucy Higginson, editor of Horse and Hound magazine.

"There have been quite a few fatalities in Britain over the years. Most people accept riding is a risk sport. The reward and the thrills more than make up for it."

In his paper earlier this year, Prof Nutt noted that riding in the UK was associated with 10 deaths and 100 traffic accidents a year. He coined the tongue-in-cheek "equine addiction syndrome" or "equasy" when suggesting it might be more harmful than ecstasy.

Dr John Silver, emeritus spinal injuries consultant, researched serious injuries in professional rugby union, gymnastics and trampolining, and horse riding, over a period of many years.

He found many serious accidents resulted from a "mismatch between the skills of the participant and the task attempted".

"It wasn't necessarily that the task was too difficult for a top international rider. A lot were occurring in eventing, people were attempting cross country tasks against time and they couldn't do them against time."

Many other serious accidents happened on the roads.

"Cars, horses and riders are a lethal combination," he adds.

Higginson agreed that eventing was perhaps the most dangerous part of riding. Many television viewers will be familiar with the daunting height of some of the obstacles jumped.

"They are just very large, very heavy animals. If the horse falls over that's when it's most worrying."

But, she emphasises, accidents happen in more mundane circumstances.

"It can happen to people out hacking [riding at a walking pace]."

Safety equipment has become more widespread with many riders not countenancing the idea of jumping without a helmet and chest protector. There are even air bags for horse riders which are strapped to the person's body and triggered by a release cord when a rider begins to fall.

In his paper Hazards of Horse-riding as a Popular Sport, Dr Silver cited a study from 1985 that suggested motorcyclists suffered a serious accident once every 7,000 hours but a horse rider could expect a serious incident once in every 350 hours.

Dr Silver also cites a figure from 1992 of 12 equestrian-related fatalities from 2.87 million participants. He also notes that in the period from 1994-1999, 3% of all spinal cord injury patients admitted to Stoke Mandeville Hospital were the result of horse riding. The majority of people admitted to hospital in such circumstances are women.

The Answer

A complete statistical overview is not possible but a figure of 10 deaths a year has been cited

This is over 3-4 million riders

Many more suffer head and spinal injuries

The British Horse Society says there are no centrally collated figures on horse riding injuries. There is no obligation to notify the society about any incident.

And of course, to fans of the sport, many of whom regard it as as much of a way of life as it is a mere hobby, any recognition of the dangers must be tempered by the positives of the sport.

At the time Prof Nutt's controversial paper was published, the British Horse Society pointed out the health benefits of the sport, in terms of providing good exercise and therefore prolonging life, in its attack on the comparison to ecstasy.

Mark Weston, director of Access, Safety and Welfare said: "The health benefits of horse riding are well known, how anyone can maintain that taking a class A drug has such benefits beggars belief."

****************************************

I don't dispute that horse riding can and does kill / seriously injure people – I can honestly say that I’ve been badly injured riding in various events and general hacking, as have close friends.

But the difference between horse riding and something like ecstasy is the fact that at least you know what you’re dealing with when it comes to the horse.

Unlike ecstasy, you know that the horse hasn’t been tampered with, and contaminated with drain clear or borax. And when I have been injured, that’s because I’ve been an idiot, and overestimated my ability. But that is, as far as I am concerned, just one of the hazards of my hobby – because you’re dealing with over half a ton of horseflesh – with a mind of its own, and no mechanical interventions.

Guess I should get on with some work, but I have got TNFI...

Back later, if I get the chance...

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Who wants a digital book?

Certainly not me. In theory, this is a good idea – no more mounds of paperback to take to the charity shop after being read umpteen times (and looking slightly dog-eared and tatty) and no more worries about weight allowance when you go on holiday (i.e. can I take all these paperbacks?)

But from what I have seen, this looks an expensive gimmick. Ok – so you can download all these books, and store even more on the system itself, but what happens if a particular author isn’t available in digital format (you just have to look at the Beatles – they’ve only just allowed i-tunes to put their stuff on line!) In a case like that, I would think that the only option would be to go straight back to the old fashioned method – going into a bookshop. Or, if you’re like me, trying to bookshop, failing to find what you were after, and heading straight for the Amazon website.

As you can tell, I’m not a big fan of this idea. And no – I’m not a technophobe in the slightest – I have an MP3 player, and am quite comfortable downloading my music from the web, and shopping from various sites (usually because I can’t get the stuff in the shop – Lush’s Retro range is a good example of this!)

But there is also the one major drawback – as far as I am concerned. The battery life. Unlike a book, it’s not always possible to find a powersource to charge the dratted battery. Plus, there is the added inconvenience that you can’t start reading on an aircraft until the seatbelt sign has been switched off – therefore negating the delight of reading through the take-off and landing phases (not to mention being able to ignore the patronising safety video that certain tour operators have decided to use!)

So, I guess that I won’t be rushing out to buy one of these things, as there are some things that are best left alone – and books are one of them

Ah well - time to call this quits - I need to get ready to settle down and watch Flash Forward on Five...

Back tomorrow.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

My mother is a sadist.

Why? She's only gone and booked my damned flu jab for Friday 13th. It turns out that I am eligible for the annual flu injection – all I have to do pay for the prescription. Ok – not a problem, in theory. In practice, I hate injections, so this is not something I am looking forward to.

But, hopefully, this will stop me doing my annual nosedive with the ‘flu, and wrecking my New Year plans – something that has happened to me the past two years in a row, and has caused mayhem for me and my family.

Ah well - guess I should call this quits - it's nearly time to leave this playpen.

Back tomorrow.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Still bored.

And wishing that I wasn't in the playpen at the moment.  My shoulder is killing me, and I'm really fed up.  No - make that pissed off.

The departmental bitch is giving me the evil eye everytime I have the misfortune to go near her desk (it's almost as if she doesn't like the fact that I'm doing something she knows nothing about) and she can't bitch about me 'cause I'm working.  (Or so she thinks!)

It's at times like this I can see how things like the Bastard Operator from Hell were dreamt up  (see http://members.iinet.net.au/~bofh/)   I've got to admit, this series has really made me smile, and I can really see how something like this would be dreamt up (especially give the computer literacy of some of the people I have the misfortune to work with!)

I'll give you a small taster of this...

I'm really bored. You know how bored you get when work's going on and on and on, and nothing interesting is happening, and you're listening to a radio that picks up ONE station on FM, and it's always the station with the least records in the city, about 5, and one of them is "You're so Vain" which wasn't too bad a song until you hear it about 3 times a day for a year, and *EVERY* time it plays, the announcer tells you it's about Warren Beaty and who he's currently poking, someone you'll never sniff the toe-jam of, let alone meet, let alone get amourous with. And EVERY time someone mentions Warren Beaty, someone says that he used to go out with Madonna too, and have you seen "In Bed With.."

As you can see - this really appeals to my sense of humour, and the guy who wrote this (Simon Travaglia) is a true genius, with a nice twisted touch.

Ah well, guess I should call this quits - looks like the department bitch is preparing to depart on her broomstick - thank god I'm not on the flightpath!

Back later.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Bored.

Can't you tell it's a Monday. I'm bored, and have got a case of TNFI (totally no ******g interest)

But, at least the jokes are coming in - and as normal, I take no responsibility for them - other than posting.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


**********************************************************

Things You Never Thought About


Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in, but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

The burning times

This was posted on the BBC website, and as my home area is renowned for white witchcraft, I thought it was appropriate – especially as it’s All Hallows Eve….

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

*******************************************

Witches remain a significant cultural presence centuries after thousands of women, and men, accused of sorcery were burned at the stake. But what caused the craze for burning witches, and why did it stop?

If you're offered a trick or treat on Halloween, it's quite likely to be by someone dressed as a witch. It used to be said that those who travel on the night of 31 October should cross a piece of bread with salt in order to avoid a witch's evil clutches.

In the 16th and 17th centuries in particular, they had a simpler method. They executed them.

A frenzy of witch-hunts took place during this time in Europe, mostly in German-speaking parts, with an estimated 60,000 people put to death.

In mainland Europe and Scotland they burned them, with the peak period between 1580 and 1662 often referred to as The Burning Times. England and its colonies in north America preferred hanging.

This was a time when many believed in the supernatural and misfortune was thought to be the work of the Devil or his servants. There was a widespread belief in Europe that a strong nation was one that had a uniform religious faith. By consorting with the Devil, "witches" were committing treason and were punishable by courts enforcing anti-witchcraft statutes.

The witches, of course, were nothing like the stereotype of the carbuncled hags shrieking incantations around a cauldron full of devilish potions. They were ordinary people who were often the convenient scapegoats for anything from a death in the village to the failure of crops. Individuals would often have been branded a witch after falling out with a neighbour.

There was no average witch. Alhough most would be poor and elderly, this would vary from region to region. The accused were not even all women. Around a quarter of those executed were men.

When a great fear takes hold of society, that society looks naturally to the stereotype of the enemy in its midst

Hugh Trevor-Roper

England's most famous were the Pendle Witches from Lancashire who were convicted of murdering 17 people in 1612. Their prosecutors argued they had sold their souls to the Devil in return for being able to lame or kill anyone they pleased. The trial was meticulously documented and appeared the following year in book form. Enormous crowds flocked to Lancaster Gaol to watch 10 "witches" - eight women and two men - die on the gallows.

In the famous Salem Witch Trials in Massachusetts in 1692, more than 200 individuals were "cried out against" as witches by so-called "afflicted children". Of the suspects, 19 were eventually convicted and hanged. Their accusations were believed because children were then considered to be natural witch-finders. In her book, A Mirror of Witchcraft, Christina Hole points out that 17th Century English villages routinely used children in this way and that many became quite famous.

In Scotland, where nearly 4,000 people died during a frenetic period of witch trials between 1590 and 1662, one of the popular types of evidence used against suspects was the Devil's Mark. When his followers made their pact with him, the Devil supposedly left his mark, usually an insensitive spot, upon him or her. Professional witch prickers were employed in the country to search for them.

Eventually, witch pricking came to be seen as fraudulent, and soon the whole notion of witchcraft was being discredited. There had been growing scepticism even at the time that many witch-hunts had been about score settling and that innocent people were being executed. The use of torture to exact convictions became increasingly regarded as unreliable.

Witch trials became more rigorous in the evidence they accepted. Many of the accusers at the Salem trials had claimed to have seen spectres or apparitions of the people supposedly doing them harm.

Many prominent figures of authority wrote books and pamphlets shortly afterwards pouring scorn on this phenomenon. In his biography of one of the judges, Samuel Sewall, author Richard Francis argues that the aftermath of the trials marked the birth of the modern age when the US found its conscience

The Age of Enlightenment, with its emphasis on reason and logic, was beginning in Europe and natural causes began to replace the Devil as the reason behind much of society's ills.

By 1736, the Witchcraft Acts in England and Scotland had both been repealed. The same happened on the continent. Within a few years, several judges who condemned the Salem witches to their deaths admitted they had made a grave mistake. So what had caused this witch craze?

Modern research has debunked many myths, for example that it was church officials deliberately whipping up hysteria to rid the world of the cult of "magic", or a controlled campaign to tackle outcasts.

Rather, as Robert W Thurston puts it in his book Witch, Wicce, Mother Goose, the witch persecutions were to do with "a profound shaking of people's confidence that their world could survive". The Burning Times came in the aftermath of the Reformation, when the split in the Christian faith caused great turmoil.

Communities were also coping with wars, and pestilence like the Black Death. In England, the worst witch craze took place during the English Civil War. The Thirty Years War was also gripping Germany.

In her paper, Recent Developments in the Study of the Great European Witch Hunt, Jenny Gibbons notes that most witch-hunts took place where central authority had broken down, often in border areas "where rival Christian sects fought to impose their religious views on each other". It was partly for this reason that local secular courts meted out the harshest judgements.

In countries like Spain, Italy and Russia, where a strong, unified Church existed, there were few witch trials. When the threats receded, so did the panic and hysteria.

In his book The European Witch-Craze, historian Hugh Trevor-Roper wrote: "When a great fear takes hold of society, that society looks naturally to the stereotype of the enemy in its midst."

Modern history is littered with such witch-hunts, the Holocaust being the most extreme example. The story of the thousands of so-called witches who died a gruesome death many centuries ago still holds lessons for today.

A slow day

Talk about being bored.  If it wasn't for the silly jokes that I keep getting sent, I would be going nuts (ok - more nuts than I already am!)

Enjoy these jokes - they're from the USA, so I take no responsibility for them - other than posting!

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

*********************************************

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size 14-16 - or larger.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

P.S. - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'

INSTALLATION COMPLETE!!!!

Thanks for using the Redneck Security Company

********************************************************

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;  it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally  looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing..

He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds  of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - learn to forgive.

Free your mind from worries - most never happen or aren't all that bad.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less



NOW .......

Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Actual call centre conversations

Amazing what I get sent...  But some of these are very funny!

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

*************************************************

Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack ?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack ?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):


"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries


Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.


Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".


Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"


Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it.

If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".


Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too ****ING stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Chilled out weekend...

Well, as I type this, I am admittedly in the playpen that I call an office, but I really don't care at the moment. Why? Because I've had the best weekend away for a long time.

My beloved and I had been planning an escape to our favourite place (The Green Man), but unfortunately, we couldn’t get the accommodation. So, we stayed at Furzton Lake, near Milton Keynes (yes – the town famous (or should that be infamous) for the concrete cows!)

As we weren’t meeting up until the afternoon, I made the most of it, and went shopping. Yes, I know that I’ve stated in previous posts that I loathe shopping, but for once, it was nice to be able to wander around somewhere on my own, at my own pace.

My beloved had said that he didn’t know what to get me for my birthday, so I was given a free choice (within reason – if I’d had my way, it would have been either an Aston Martin DB9 or the Ferrari 612 Scaglietti!) So, I decided that the best thing I could do, would be to have a wander around the shops, and see what caught my eye…

The first stop was to head to Marks & Spencer, to see if I could find that rarity of rarities, hold ups that actually fitted without cutting off the circulation to my legs. That was a success, so it was then off to take a leisurely walk around the centre.

My next point of call was to Waterstones, in the hope of getting three books that I was after (Dark Haven by Gail Z Martin, Thorn Queen by Richelle Mead and A Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde). That failed partially, as I only manged to get  A Picture of Dorian Gray, so it was back to wandering.

My wanderings took down towards Midsummer Place, and straight into one of my favourite shops (after Waterstones – can’t do without my books!) – Lush. This is one of the few places that I have been able to find skin care and other treats that don’t upset my skin (most things turn my skin into something that resembles a lizard!)

I got quite a bit in Lush – including the bits that I wanted from their Christmas range. This included a shower jelly called Champagne Snow Showers – a real treat to use in the shower as well as Vanilla Dee-light. No – I’m not taking the mickey – this is a delightfully light body lotion, with a very gentle vanilla scent to it. Most of the time, I find fragranced body lotions too heavy (usually in the scent (or it's way too synthetic for my liking!) or the the actual feel of the lotion  on the skin (too heavy - most feel like axel grease to me) but this seems to suit me just right.

It was then time for a coffee. And for me, only one place to go. Yes, Starbucks. I know that it’s clichéd and everything else, but the coffee is good and that’s all that really bothers me. That and the fact that I get left alone! It gave me a chance to start reading, and I will admit I’ve been quite surprised. The only thing I knew about Dorian Gray was from the film – The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (the one with Sean Connery in!)

It’s quite an involving read, and I will admit to nearly forgetting the time (I was limited on time by the fact that I’d only got 4 hours on the car, and time was marching on!) So, I headed back to the car, via La Senza (where I got exactly what I wanted for my birthday - all I will say is that it is listed as Dazzling Blue - the rest remains between me and my beloved!)

I then made a brief stop at Borders to see if I could get the books I wanted. That was a partial success, and I managed to get Dark Haven, but not the other one. Ah well - you win some, you lose some.

So, as it was getting near to the time that I was supposed to be meeting my beloved. I’d taken the trouble to put the sat-nav into my handbag, and when I went to set it up – disaster. Me being a twit had taken the SD card out of the unit. Normally, this wouldn’t have been an issue…

But this time it was. I’d recently received a large update from the manufacturer, and had taken the time to install everything on the computer, and copied the files across to the sat-nav. Only the internal memory wasn’t large enough to accept all the data I required.

Ok – not a problem – this little gizmo has a slot where I can put an SD card, and then load the details onto that. Which I did. Only to take the dammed thing out at some point, and forget to put it back in!

Now I’m not the greatest at map-reading, and could only vaguely remember where this dratted place was, which meant that I headed towards junction 14 of the M1, where the directions in my little directory started from.

And that was where some of the problems started. Have you ever tried counting roundabouts, whilst watching all the other traffic around you, as well as making sure that you’re not in the wrong lane? Not easy I tell you, but I did manage to find the place. Eventually.

The rest? Well that remains between me and my beloved, but all I will say is that I am so chilled out, I am almost horizontal.

Guess I should think about doing some w*rk, but I really don’t have any interest – or inclination, and that’s not good, especially as it’s only Monday!

Back later.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

The Lone Ranger...

A good way to start a Monday is with a joke - and this one's good.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

***********************************************

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert... After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo sh*t. It means someone stole the tent.'

Man breaks 15 laws in 11 minutes

No - this isn't a joke - it's from the BBC website...

Karen


Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most


*************************************

A driver has confounded Swiss police by committing 15 traffic violations in just over 10 minutes, officials say.

The 47-year-old initially raced past an unmarked police car in heavy rain at 160 km/h (100mph) before weaving close to other cars and the road's kerb.

The serial offender clocked up further offences for speeding, driving on the hard shoulder, running a set of red lights and failing to stop for police.

When finally pulled over by St Gallen police, he failed a drugs test.

The unnamed driver, who lives near Zurich, faces a lengthy driving ban and a possible jail sentence when he appears before a Swiss court.

"I can't remember a case this serious," a police spokeswoman told the BBC of Sunday's infringement spree. "It's remarkable."

Getting old(er)

It's my birthday today, and I feel...  Well, ancient.  Aside from that, I'm in the playpen, and am not exactly delighted to be in, as I really felt like taking a so-called "duvet day" (a day when you're not sick - just can't be asked to come in to work)

But there was one bright spot when I got into the office and logged on to my e-mail.  My beloved had sent me a really sweet e-mail, with this picture attached to it:

That just about finished me off, as it was the last thing that I had expected, and nearly made me drop my mug - which would have really upset me, as it's a limited edition from Denby Pottery:

 

Ok - this mug is the Linen colour (mine's Imperial Blue) and holds a pint of liquid.  Admittedly, to some people, that's quite daunting but I' m quite used to it, and no-one else in the office would dare pick it up, as it's always seen on my desk.  That and the fact that it is rather heavy!

Ah well - guess I should be getting on with some w*rk, but I have got a severe case of TNFI...

Back later.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Understanding Nature

It seems to be a day for jokes being sent to me - and this was one that had me laughing in the office.

Enjoy.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

*****************************************

I finally got around to going fishing this morning, but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

The Human Body!

This got sent to me by my other half, and made me laugh.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

***************************

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb) .

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

The triffid has landed

Ok – more precisely, an Amaryllis. My desk has started to look like a miniature jungle again, with two amaryllis, a cactus and a peace lily.

The one amaryllis has refused to die down, so is still in full leaf on my desk. I doubt if it will flower this year, but at least the new one will. This one is a green flower (I’ll post a photo when it flowers) and at the moment, just looks like a giant onion bulb.

The cactus is something special. It’s Mammillaria compressa "Yokan" and according to my colleagues, it’s weird.

Me?  I think it's normal, and looks surprisingly good on my desk, where I jokingly refer to it as "Spikey" as it's covered in small vicious spines that are surprisingly hard to see and remove.

Ah well, guess I should do some work, but I'm suffering from TNFI, and it's only Tuesday!

Back later.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

The Golfing Nun

I'm sorry - I just couldn't resist posting this joke...

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

************************************
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

Firm seeks Glaswegian interpreter

There are some things that just defy belief - and this is one of them (even if it did come from the BBC news website)  Mind you - I personally think it's a good idea - along with the Birmingham - English  dictonary that I bought my late father, as the poor guy couldn't understand the Birmingham dialect / accent...

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

**********************

A translation company is looking to recruit Glaswegian interpreters to help business clients who are baffled by the local dialect.

Today Translations placed an advert in The Herald newspaper on Tuesday seeking speakers of "Glaswegian English".

Successful candidates, who could earn up to £140 a day, must understand "vocabulary, accent and nuances".

The firm said that so far 30 people had applied for the positions - some of them in Glaswegian.

Today Translations spokesman Mick Thorburn said: "Over the last few months we've had clients asking us for Glaswegian translators.  After some consideration we've decided this is a service we would like to offer."

Usually, the role would involve translating documents but in this case it's more likely to be assisting foreign visitors to the city whose 'business English' is not good enough to understand the local dialect.

Mr Thorburn said successful candidates may have to sit in on business meetings.  He added: "We're not necessarily looking for people who are particularly skilled in linguistics, just candidates who can help out clients who may struggle with native Glaswegian."

Today Translations said that depending on the volume of applications, it expected to contact the successful clients in the next few weeks.

Earlier this year a bus driver was recognised for teaching his Eastern European colleagues at First Glasgow bus company to understand Glaswegian slang.

James Lillis said: "When new employees come to Scotland and hear the Glasgow accent, it can be a problem. Drivers have to learn to understand what is meant when a customer says, for example, 'Gie us an aw day tae the toon' (Give me an all day ticket to the town)."

SOME GLASGOW PATTER

• Baltic (very cold)
• Boost (head off)
• Buckie (tonic wine favoured by youngsters)
• Cludgie (toilet)
• Eejit (idiot)
• Hampden roar (score)
• Hee haw (nothing)
• Hen (term used to address a woman or girl)
• Laldy (enthusiastic participation)
• Maw (mother)
• Midden (rubbish tip)
• Pure (very)
• Moroculous (drunk)
• Messages (shopping)
• Scooby (clue, rhyming slang - Scooby Doo)
• Shoot the craw (leave in a hurry)
• Stooky (plaster cast)
• Swatch (look)
• Toaty (small)
• Ya dancer (fantastic)
• Yersel (yourself)

New wine...

Again, another old joke, but it's succeeded in making me smile today..

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***********************

I kid you not...A New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

I heard it though the grapevine!

I just couldn't help it - sorry!

An old joke

I make no apologies for this joke - it made me smile today, when not much else has done so.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

************************************

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says, "You going to die, cowboy. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, and then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the tepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other figuring, "Typical white thinks only with short bow."

The second day, the chief asks, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the tepee with the cowboy.

Again, the Indians shake their heads figuring, "Typical white man, going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

On the last day, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"