Just a thought..

If this was used here in the UK, I guess that there would be uproar... But it would bring home the danger of using a hand held mobile phone whilst driving...

And yes - I am quite aware that it has now become a 3 point penalty offence. (Just for the record, you're allowed a maximum of 12 points, then it's a mandatory one-year ban.)

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

There's something about Sundays...

That seem to bring out the worst in British drivers. Take for instance, the idiot that insists on breaking at the slightest kink in the road - and it's not even what I would call a slight bend! Then when you get a spot where you can safely overtake, the idiot puts the power on, and accelerates!

As you can tell, I had one of those in front of me this morning, as I had to nip out to get some bits (milk, cat food, a paper, etc) and I wasn't speeding for once - I was traveling at about 55mph... (The speed limit on the road I was traveling along is 60mph). But, unfortunately for me, I got the classical Thou shalt not pass - 40 mph is my limit.

So, I waited patiently, until I got to the point on the road where I knew I could overtake. I put the indicator on, and accelerated past, only for the prat to accelerate! That annoyed me, and I made sure that he got a dose of symphony in airhorn minor, as well as a soaking - amazing how well my car can produce rooster tails in the wet! (For your information, rooster tails are the twin trails of water that the rear tyres produce whilst traveling.)

The supermarket was mayhem - screaming / squealing little brats, demanding sweets, and generally being very annoying (including the kid that refused to move so I could get at the cat food, and screamed blue murder because I gave it a slight nudge with my shopping basket!)

So, as soon as I was able to escape that nut house, I headed for home. The return journey was ok, until I came up behind some silly cow in a Nissan Micra, who pulled out on me, causing me to stand on the brakes (she'd badly underestimated my speed!) and then tried to brake test me, when I was getting into position for an overtake.

That wasn't the end of the games with her though - I got level, and the stupid bitch accelerated. That really annoyed me, as that put me into a more dangerous position than was really necessary. Thankfully, I was able to use the power of my car to out accelerate her, and then, when I got to the 30mph speed limit, the silly bitch was crawling all over the back end of my car!

If I'd stood on the brakes, she'd have been straight into the back end of me, and would have screamed blue murder that it was my fault. Err excuse me - the highway code states that you must allow adequate stopping distance.

If I remember rightly, the distance (in dry weather, with good road conditions and good tyres (which are correctly inflated)) is 23m (75ft). (For more info, see http:///www.highwaycode.gov.uk/) In wet weather, again with decent tyres, you should allow at least double the normal stopping distance.

I know that this makes me sound like I'm trying to teach the world to drive safely - I'm not. All I'm asking for is a little common sense, and I'm the first to admit that I drive too fast. But, I do have one thing slightly in my favor - I've done some advanced driver training, so in theory, I'm just a better qualified idiot.

Time to call it quits - I've got to give the cats their annual flea bath... Fred's no problem, but I've still got to try and catch Ponto!


Back later - if Ponto hasn't ripped me to shreds!

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

More jokes from America

Again, I know people will think that I'm taking a swipe at Americans - nothing could be further from the truth. The jokes I tend to post on my blog have all been sent to me by Americans - to whom I am indebted for their kindness, and more to the point, all the jokes!

Law Enforcement

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. Two hours later they come out with a badly-beaten bear who's yelling, "OK, OK! I'm a rabbit......"

 Here's another gem from America:-

A Letter from a hillbilly dad to his son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Mom read in the paper where most accidents happen closer than 20 miles to home, so we moved. I won't be able to give you the address 'cause the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day, I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. It only rained twice this week... Three days the first time and four days the second.

The coat you wanted me to send you... Your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home. It said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes. About your Mother... She has a lovely job. She has over 500 men under her - she is cutting grass at the cemetery.

About your sister... She had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so don't know if you are an aunt or and uncle.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out... He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Your uncle Bo fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off. Even got out twice to pee. He drowned. We cremated him ... He burned for three days.

Not much news this time ... Nothing much happened.

Write more often.

Love,

Dad.

But, with this joke, I'm taking a swipe at the way we're living our lives - and I admit - I'm guilty of at least 90% of this!

You know you're living in 2004 when...

1.You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. If you don't have your mobile on you, you have no idea what your huband's / wife's / girlfriend's / boyfriend's phone number is.

11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

12. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

13. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

AND..............

14. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

15. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself.

 One final thought...

Life explained...

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 Hopefully, this explains just a little bit about my sense of humour. Those who know me, will know that this is only just a small sample of the jokes that I have a tendency to send to people.. The rest tend to be stored in my head, and I rarely get the chance to post them, but I promise I'll do my best....

Time to call it quits - I'm supposed to be working!

Back later.

Karen.

Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Mine is but to post...

And I make no apologies for this post. All credit goes to an old friend of my late father's - if you're reading my blog big fella - many thanks for the jokes!

Now read this.... And draw your own conclusions....

While America Slept

By David H. Hackworth

You’d think a Hollywood screenwriter scripted the “Saving Private Jessica Lynch” spectacle the Pentagon produced last year. But that five-sided propaganda factory with its battalions of well-trained deceivers came up with this particular fairytale – about how a Special Ops unit snatched a beautiful blonde American heroine from Iraqi fiends – all on their own.

Why? In late March of ‘03, the invasion wasn’t going according to plan. Guerrillas were popping out of the desert like sand flies, gumming up the U.S. attack, and General Tommy Franks – having gone in far too light and without the right force mix – was in trouble. So the spinners came up with a scheme to distract an easily gulled American press corps and divert public attention.

First the real story behind Lynch’s rescue: A daring Special Forces team out of Fort Campbell, Ky. – operating deep behind enemy lines – learned from an Iraqi source that an American soldier was being held in a nearby hospital. They quickly sent the Iraqi back with a concealed camera to determine how the hospital was secured, critical information that was then flashed to the team’s command element.

On 1 April, Special Ops guys conducted a flawless raid – taped by Pentagon flacks for the entire world to watch as it unfolded in all its live-fire, heart-pounding ultimate reality show glory – against no resistance whatsoever, since the Iraqi defenders were long gone.

Lynch, it turns out, wasn’t wounded in action. She was badly banged up in a vehicle accident which occurred while she and her mates were trying to escape a guerrilla ambush. She not only never fought with her rifle and trench knife as the Pentagon had leaked, she never even got off a shot – because she was out cold from the time of the collision until she woke up in the hospital. Where the Iraqi docs couldn’t wait to transfer their well-cared for but terrified patient to Special Ops control.

Because the Iraqi lawyer Mohammed Odeh Rehaeif – who became famous for saving Lynch – was considered unreliable by the Green Berets, his info was never used and the true hero of the rescue was the unsung Special Forces source, who pocketed his modest pay and disappeared.

Not that the truth mattered. Rehaeif was flown to the States, given a lofty position with a White House-connected Washington law firm, signed to a six-figure book deal and, as with Lynch, spun into legend.

Lynch garnered a Bronze Star for her “heroics,” the Purple Heart for “wounds received in action,” a mega-buck book deal – and millions of proud Americans got to view her “gallantry and sacrifice” in an NBC TV docudrama. To keep the press bamboozled, she was locked up under tight control in Army hospitals with a convenient bout of amnesia.

In its micro way, the Lynch scam symbolizes the miasma of deception surrounding the invasion and the ugly unsolvable occupation already causing the direst consequences to our national security.

From post-9/11 to the present, the war too has been based on lies fanned by the same Pentagon propaganda machine busy doing everything possible – including the censorship of our troops in Iraq for “national security purposes” – to convince the American people that, as we sadly heard for eight bloody years in Vietnam, there’s “light at the end of the tunnel.”

We went to war because we were told Iraq had WMD that threatened our country’s security and that Saddam was a key player behind 9/11. Both have been proven to be super whoppers.

We were also told that liberating Iraq would be a cakewalk with few U.S. casualties and would cost no more than a billion bucks – which would quickly be repaid by Iraqi oil. Yet more duplicity.

So far I count 1,050 American dead, 7,750 combat wounded and about 30,000 non-battle casualties. And our war costs are already close to a cool $200 billion.

Meanwhile, Super Flack James Wilkinson, the reported Spielberg of the Lynch saga, has recently been shifted from desert duties to advising National Security Advisor Rice on how to further deceive the American people.

Like Vietnam, the cover-ups and distortions will continue until the press and the people wake up. Hopefully that will be before the count is 3,000 or 4,000 dead American soldiers.

Col. David H. Hackworth (USA Ret.) is SFTT.org co-founder and Senior Military Columnist for DefenseWatch magazine.

Do pigs fly to the bacon slicer yet?

Just one of my quick answers when I get asked if a certain tyre is in stock yet. It tends to be truck tyres that get this response, and thankfully, it does make life a little easier, as most customers have a good sense of humour. You do get the occasional one that has sense of humour failure, but that’s just one of the perils of this job…

Hmm – suppose I’d better answer my phone…

Back later [possibly].

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath?

Jokes and or stories…

I’ve been meaning to post a couple of jokes / funny stories that I’ve been told, and if you’re easily offended, I suggest that you skip this next post, as the jokes are, well... Read for yourself!

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.


The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:"Runway too short?"


To which I replied, "I'm late for work."


To which he asked, "What do you do?"


"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.


The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"


"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet." Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"


To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Speeding ticket: £105.00


Court costs: £45


Look on copper's face: Priceless.
Next story / joke:

A teacher gave her class of 11-year-olds an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" Asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

" Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. “

“She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

“Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f** * away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking. "

I make no apologies for these stories – they just appealed to my very warped sense of humor… And before I get complaints about people having heard or read these before – I know! They’re old jokes that keep doing the ‘rounds, but they’re something that has made me laugh, and brightened up my day…

Suppose I’d better get on with some work…

Back later – possibly.

Karen.
Do spiders scream when they see a big fat hairy human in the bath