It’s funny, but every Friday, I seem to get a load of jokes sent to me. I’ve posted the best ones, so enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "
Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "
I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "
I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "
£60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "
Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking £950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £920,000. They will probably take it.. If not, we can go the extra 30 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal."
WOMAN: "
OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Next joke:
DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is
very, very careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.’
Final joke...
Man killed on golf course
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those "F------ LESSONS I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken "golf lessons" instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.......
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