An enjoyable day off

Well, I finally managed to get a day to myself, and go shopping with Carol. We opted to go to Milton Keynes, because the weather was grotty (we had originally planned to go to Leicester, but neither of us fancied getting cold & wet!)

We got parked in the multi-story car park (the location of the damned thing seems to be a state secret, as there are NO signs to tell you where the damned thing is), and I refused to pay the extortionate rate the city council want to charge for the privilege of parking close to the centre, or walk miles to get into the main shopping area.

The first stop was Boots, as I wanted to get a new hairdryer that I could take away with me when I travel in the UK. Ok – not a problem there, in theory, as I was after a travel dryer and had seen one on the website that would have done the job perfectly, without costing silly money.

However, in practise, it was a non-starter. Simply because the dratted thing had sold out. Mind you, it was on offer, so I couldn’t really complain. But I did manage to get a dryer. It’s a BaByliss 2000w dryer, and is nice and lightweight, and didn’t cost silly money. The only drawback as such, is that it’s not a travel dryer, so it’s a little on the large side, but as it’s going to be travelling in the UK with me, that’s not really an issue.

Then, it was on to the clothes shopping. Both Carol and I were looking for a new top, and I was the one that struck gold. I got a top that I had been eyeing up far ages in the sale. It was marked down from its full price of £35.00 to £17.50!

To say I was pleased was an understatement, and Carol also managed to get the top that she had been looking for – a denim shirt:

  

It was then time to head for our normal coffee stop – Costa Coffee, which just happens to be in my favourite bookshop – Waterstones. That book shop is one of the few places where I can usually find at least one book that I am interested in, and true to form, I managed to get three for two. They were:

• The White Queen by Phillipa Gregory
• 1000 Years of Annoying the French by Stephen Clarke
• The Secret Crown by Chris Kuzneski

 
Then it was off for a coffee, and a chat, whilst we planned our next move –which turned out to be a trip to Lush, as the pair of us were after their new limited edition shower gel, called It’s Raining Men.

Now this little treat is part of the limited edition Valentine range, and in my opinion, smells better on the skin than in the bottle. It’s supposed to have the same scent as Honey I Washed The Kids soap, and I have to admit that I am not really bothered about the soap scent, yet this shower gel is one that has hooked me.

I also got a pot of my favourite shampoo – Big. This sounds revolting, as it contains quite a lot of sea salt, but it does wonders for my hair, as it gives it more volume than any other volumising shampoo that I have come across. And it smells really good as well – it reminds me of a citrus margarita.

Carol also got a couple of bits, and we then started to wander back towards the car. As we walked, Carol asked me it I had ever fancied going for a pedicure. Now I am the first to admit that my feet in the winter don’t get very much attention, and I have tremendous amounts of hard skin on my heels and the balls of my feet. She said that she’d been reading about this company, called Feet Therapy.

Now I had sort of heard of this company, as I’d seen one of their “stores” when I was in York, and hadn’t really paid much attention to it, other than noticing that the windows were running with condensation.

So we walked to the store, and were met by a really pleasant fella, and he explained what the process would be.

The first step, was to rinse our feet off, and get rid of any fluff and nasty chemicals that we had used on our feet. No chance of that, as I don’t tend to use anything on my feet in winter. I work on the principal that my feet are hidden in boots / shoes, so no-one gets to see them!

Then, it was into the tank with the fish. No – I'm not joking – you put your feet into a tank with fish in them. Not just any fish, but Garra Rufa fish, that really seem to enjoy munching on dead / dry / scaly skin.

It tickled at first, but as far as I was concerned, the water was warm, and that was good enough for me. I have to admit, it was an odd sensation, but at the end of the session, my feet felt really good – like I’d had a really good scrape at my feet with a pumice stone.

Then it was my turn to treat Carol. I wanted to get my eyebrows tidied up, and knew of a good store en-route to the car park that would do the job perfectly. Now I know that this can be a tad on the painful side (but the results are well worth it).

I admit that I was flinching, but poor Carol was almost being scraped off the ceiling! She did admit that it was worth the pain (albeit it somewhat grudgingly) and we then headed back to the car with the shopping, as I had no intention of carrying it with me anymore, as my hands were starting to complain at that point.

Then, it was off to go and get lunch. Now Milton Keynes has a variety of eating places, and most of them are a little too fancy for what we were after – what we wanted was something that wasn’t over the top (which ruled out places like Wagamama) and not somewhere that was particularly child friendly (which ruled out Burger King and McDonalds).

I then remembered that there was a JD Wetherspoons near by, and I know from past experience that the food in the group as a whole was pretty good, and this one was no exception.

We both opted for the Beer & Burger offer (only in my case it was a glass of Pepsi as I was driving – Carol also opted for a Pepsi, as she didn’t fancy a beer).

Then it was back into the centre, and heading to the car, as the pair of us were knackered, and heading home, the driving standard was not good – including the bloody fool in the 59 plate Saab that decided that he/she/it was not required to obey the 40mph speed limit, and then promptly started tail gaiting the poor sod in front of them I was only too glad to get rid of the idiot if I'm honest.

Ah well, time to call this quits – I’ve got mo be back in the playpen tomorrow…

Back tomorrow if I get the chance…


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Thought for the New Year....

TO MY DEAREST FRIENDS & FAMILY:

There were probably many, many times this year when I may have
Disturbed you,
Troubled you,
Pestered you,
Irritated you,
Bugged you,
Or got on your nerves....

So today I just wanted to tell you...........

Suck it up Cupcake!!!


'Cause there are NO CHANGES planned for 2011 !!!

On the squeak.

Yet again, I have been hit with the lurgy. A triple whammy this time, with a dose of ‘flu (ok – not too bad – I’d had the jab), a chest infection and my asthma deciding to go haywire.

The ‘flu and the chest infection haven’t really helped my asthma, and when I went to see the doctor on Friday morning, I was squeaking and wheezing like there was no tomorrow – so it was straight onto the antibiotics and steroid pills (enough to get Mum to duck if I started coughing) and plenty of rest and fluids.

Ok – that go me through until Monday, when I started having to rely really heavily on my blue inhaler, but it didn’t really seem to help. So, back to the doctor I duly go, only to be put on a nebuliser.

This looks like an oxygen mask, with a little pot underneath which seemed to have two colourless liquids mixed in, and was then placed over the nose and mouth, with the instructions to breathe normally.

Ok – so far so good. However, it reminded me of a compressor (guess it was in a way) and all I could see was a sort of vapour escaping from the two side vents. But there was one slight drawback – I had to take my glasses off so that I could read, as the mask was a little too big for me. But, beggars can’t be choosers, and I have to admit that it has helped (as has having a hot water bottle semi permanently attached!)

Now onto the other problem… The boiler has started to play up, meaning that there is little heating in the house (hence the hot water bottle) and British Gas (in their alleged infinite wisdom) decided that as the boiler was running after a fashion, that they would cancel the engineer’s visit that I had booked for Tuesday PM.

Now that was ok on Monday, as the solution that my beloved gave me on Sunday night (bleed the radiators of air bubbles) had seemed to work. But this boiler has proven over the years to be a temperamental little SOB, and has now decided to really play silly buggers. It looks like the air pressure switch is playing up, meaning that the burner won’t catch properly (ah, the joys of the trouble shooting guide in the boiler handbook.)

Now comes the real kick in the teeth. Because the blasted thing is 20 years old, it would be very difficult to get another service contract on it, despite the fact that it normally runs without any problems. So, as I type this, I am sitting at my computer cursing British Gas and wishing that we had insisted on the engineer coming out, whilst Mum is giving British Gas a real blasting on the ‘phone.

I doubt that it will do much good, but I can understand her frustration, as we cancelled the original appointment at the request of British Gas, as we did have heating of a sort. However, the minute we try and point out that one of our neighbours is having a routine service visit, we then get told that because it was booked several weeks ago, then that can’t be changed. Thanks for bloody nothing.

It makes me wonder what the smeg my family have paid out all this money to British Gas over the years for this damned service contract, when all the dopes at the call centre can do is suggest that we go and buy a dimplex heater from B & Q. congratulations – they’ve sold out, and we are snowed in, so even if we wanted to get one, we can’t get out.

Ah well, guess I should go and reheat the hot water bottle and find something to keep myself out of mischief…

Back when I get the chance.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells… chaos all the way

I make no apologies for this entry – it was in today’s Daily Mail, and I have to admit it did make me giggle. All credit to Richard Littlejohn – mine is but to post.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

*****************
There’s nothing like a good old singsong to raise the spirits up difficult times such as these. With that in mind, I thought I should update same classic holiday hits to reflect the widespread travel disruption which has caused so much mayhem over the past few days. I had hoped to include Chris Rea’s Driving home for Christmas, but due to adverse weather conditions at Scotch Corner on the A1 it has been delayed indefinitely. If you’re stuck on a train, or marooned at the airport, feel free to sing along.

Walking in a winter wonderland

The phones ring
No one’s listening
All the staff
Have gone missing
Check the website
You won’t get a flight
Stranded in the Heathrow hinterland.

Locked away
Are the gritters
Read about it
On Twitter
It’s nobody’s fault
We ran out of salt
Stranded in a Winter Blunderland.

Snowfall came
Without warning
You could blame
Global warming
But nobody cares
About the polar bears
When they’re stranded in a Winter Blunderland.


Jingle Bells

Stuck here in the snow
On the Hendon way
Nowhere else to go
It’s been like this all day.
Drivers sound their horns
Lorries flash their lights
It’s all a waste of time
We won’t get home tonight.

Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Chaos all the way
What a drag it is to sit
In the Hendon way,
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
No one gives a toss
According to the radio,
They’ve just closed Brent cross.


Santa Claus is Coming to Town

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus’s sled has broken down

He planned to come by reindeer
But Rudolph had a crash
Now his sleigh’s been grounded
By a cloud of volcanic ash.

So he plotted his route
He checked it twice
But he didn’t spot
That sheet of black ice.

Santa Claus’s sled has broken down
Santa Claus’s sled has broken down
Santa Claus’s sled has broken down


I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday

When the snowman brings the snow
How is he supposed to know
That the whole country will descend into disarray?
If you jump in your car
And try to get away
You’ll only spend your Christmas morning
In the slow lane of the M1 motorway

Well thank God it isn’t Christmas every day,
When the trains stop running
And the buses melt away
Well thank God it isn’t Christmas every day,
Just get the snow ploughs out for Christmas.


Let It Snow

Oh the weather outside is frightful,
But you don’t need to be that insightful,
In Winter, a halfwit should know
It’ll snow, it’ll snow.

The moment the clouds start spitting
It’s time to start gritting
Not behave like a headless chicken
It’s only snow, only snow, only snow


Do They Know It’s Christmas?

It’s Christmas time,
There’s no chance to get away
At Christmas time
You can always rely on BAA
In our world of chaos
Where nothing ever works
Throw another log on the fire and stay indoors

But say a prayer
For the unlucky ones
At Christmas time, they’ll be stuck for days at Terminal One,
There’s a world inside the airport
That’s just like a transit camp,
And the traffic isn’t flowing
Because they’ve closed the exit ramp
And the only food on offer
Is cold and three days old
Well tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you.

And it always snows in Ing-er-land at Christmas time
But every year the story is the same
The moment that it snows
They shut down all the roads
Do they care it’s Christmas time at all?

Freeze the world…


I’m Dreaming of A White Christmas

I’m dreading another White Christmas
Just like we’ve had the past three years,
When the snow is falling
The response is appalling
And your bets laid plans will end in tears.

I’m dreading another White Christmas,
Next year I’m going to Sandy Lane,
That’s weather permitting,
If they remember the gritting,
At Gatwick and de-ice the plane.

Lol Cats

This is a website that I stumbled across, and decicded to have a look at..

All I will say is enjoy.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

**************************************************************************

see more Lolcats and funny pictures


see more Lolcats and funny pictures


see more Lolcats and funny pictures


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

More on Wiki Leaks...

This was a cartoon from a news web site that I stumbled across, and I thought it summed up the current hysteria really well...


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

*********************************************************************************

Wikileaks...

This website has been in the news rather a lot just recently, because it's self-styled "editor-in-chief" Julian Assange, has taken it upon himself to publish confidential documents from the US government.

A lot of this stuff has been little more than private gossip from diplomats, and is of no real interest to people (apart from the people that the diplomats have been less than complimentary about) , but revealing things that could cause real problems for governments and military alike is not on.

Now I am all in favour of free speech - and will do my utmost to defend it (and freely admit that I applauded Wikileaks for the details that they released about the atrocities in Iraq) but things such as:

Fears that terrorists may acquire Pakistani nuclear material

Several Arab leaders urged attack on Iran over nuclear issue

US instructs spying on key UN officials

China's changing ties with North Korea

Yemen approved US strikes on militants

Personal and embarrassing comments on world leaders

Afghan leader Hamid Karzai freed dangerous detainees

Russia is a "virtual mafia state" with widespread corruption and bribery

Afghan President Hamid Karzai is "paranoid and weak"

The extent of corruption in Afghanistan

Chinese leadership 'hacked Google'

A list of key global facilities the US says are vital to its national security

should not have been released. I've just covered the very vague topics that the documents cover, as I really and truly do not believe that the should have been put up on the web for all to read. I wouldn't be surprised if the US government asked for this man to be extradited to the US to face possible terrorism and / or espionage charges.

Ah well, guess I should call this quits - it's nearly the end of my lunch break.

Back when I get the chance

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

World Cup? More like World fiasco.

Well, the hype is over and England has failed in the bid to win the world cup. I'm not upset - far from it, as I dislike football, but what annoys me is the money that has been wasted on the bid.

Ok - I know that it would have been good for the country's economy, and raised the UK profile but it does make we wonder what FIFA were (or more to the point weren't) think about when they awarded the 2018 cup to Russia. I could understand the cup going to South Africa (vuvuzelas anyone?) as there hasn't been an African World Cup, but Russia? Sorry, that doesn't make sense to me.

I'm not saying that the England bid was perfect - far from it - but as far as I can tell, the infrastructure is already in place (and will have been improved further because of the 2012 Olympics in London) but all the reports are saying that Russia will have to do an awful lot of building to be able to cope with the influx of fans...

Add into that, it does make you wonder how much damge the BBC Panorama programme did to the bid. Yes - I agree that the allegations of corruption in FIFA need to be made public, but surely that Panorama programme could have been held over until the voting was over and done with, as it appears to have done quite a bit of damage to the bid.

Ah well, at least we have the Olympics (2012) and Rugby World Cup (2015) to look forward to..

Guess I should call this quits - I'm falling asleep at my PC again...

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Jokes to brighten a gloomy day...

It's a tad on the slow side, so my friends and colleagues have been sending me jokes to make me giggle.

Enjoy.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

***********************************************************************

A farmer named Godfrey was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Godfrey looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Godfrey.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Godfrey says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Godfrey.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep....


Now give me back my dog.


And:

Christmas Cake Recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake
recipe so here goes:Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get
tired of typing this up every year!
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality..

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.

Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

Cherry Christmas

It’s “Snow” Joke

The British seem incapable of coping with winter weather. Now I am not saying that I enjoy this sort of weather - far from it, it’s just the mere fact that the South East of the country gets hit, and it appears to the media that the world is ending.

Parts of the UK are badly hit – I won’t dispute that, but what bugs the living daylights out of me, is the fact that the media has gone into a flat panic demanding to know why the highways agency, the airports and the railways cannot cope with the snow, and are demanding to know why Scandinavian countries cope.

Simple answer to that – they know almost to the week when they will be getting snow and it’s an annual occurrence, so they have all the equipment that they require to deal with this type of weather.

The UK however, has only really had this type of weather the past couple of years, as the weather in the winter tends to run to mild and snow free. So, if the local authorities and the highways agency would be pilloried by the media for wasting money on equipment that is hardly used. So they’re damned by the media which ever way they decide to jump.

Aside from that, I am also getting fed up with the attitude of fellow shoppers – including the stroppy old bat in Waterstones the other day. She was quite rude to the poor lad who was serving her, and I really couldn’t see any reason for her being grumpy – other than the fact that she was an old trout.

Add into that, the mere fact that it’s getting to the stage where you need full riot protection gear to go anywhere near a shopping centre and you get one unhappy person.

And yes – I am the sort that says “Bah Humbug!” as I am getting fed up with Christmas being rammed down my throat – starting in bloody September. I am not against Christmas – far from it. It’s just that the push towards Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every damned year.

Ah well, time to call this quits – I’m starting to fall asleep in front of my pc, and I have to be in the playpen tomorrow.

Back when I get the chance,

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Weather Warning

I make no apologies for posting this - it made me grin.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

***********************************************************************


Weather Warning - we are expecting 2 feet of snow

King Arthur and the Witch

Something else that made me smile this morning, and all I will say is read this all the way through.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

***********************************************

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?















Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?



The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

The Husband Store

It's amazing what I get sent, and I just couldn't resist posing this, as it really made me giggle this morning.

Enjoy.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

***********************************************

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


(Scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Returning from an escape - Part II…

Well, I’ve done my unpacking – it was more a case of getting the washing out of the case so that Mum doesn’t spend ages wondering what is clean and what needs washing from the trip.

After we’d been to York on Wednesday, we headed south (ok – I got it wrong with the Satnav, and took a slight detour), but eventually ended up on the right route – the A1M south, with the intention of linking up with the main M1.

That was something that really surprised me. Compared with the idiots on the motorways in this area, the driving standard was incredible – as there were very few people doing over the 70mph limit… Normally, if you’re doing 70mph on the M1 in this area, you’re in the inside lane (lane 1) with the HGVs chasing you. I suspect that this is due to rigorous enforcement of the speed limits by the motorway police patrols.

Once off the motorway (and Mum had finished cursing me for the fact that I had chosen Darth Vader as the Satnav voice, which comes out with such gems as “I sense an exit approaching” and “You have reached your destination – but you are not a Jedi yet”), the Satnav took me the most obscure route possible to the Premier Inn, but we managed get there…

And once I had done so, I did wonder if I’d gotten the right place, as it looked totally different to the image on the website. It was the right one, and I will admit to having second thoughts about the accommodation, but pushed them to the back of my mind.

We got checked in, and headed to the room, where I promptly flopped onto the bed with my book (Hannibal by Robert Harris – the book that the film is based on and is infinitely more scary), and started to chill out…

Or at least I did until the noise of a train shattered the peace that I was trying to establish. Cursing as I clambered off the bed, I went to the window, and spotted that the main East Coast railway line was about 1/3rd of a mile away from us, and appeared to be on the same level as our room (which was on the first floor.)

Not a good sign, and I should have realised that things weren’t going to improve. We’d booked dinner in the restaurant / bar of the hotel, and when we got seated, it was freezing cold. As Mum remarked “what bright spark puts the A/C on in the middle of November?” and we weren’t the only ones to object…

Dinner itself wasn’t much to write about (it was tasty, and filled a gap to a point) and I was only too glad to crawl into my pit… Until the noise from the bar (which kicked out at midnight) woke me up. I don’t know if it was the smokers having their final nicotine fix before they went to bed, but they didn’t endear themselves to either me or Mum.

But the best was yet to come. As per normal, my alarm went off at 07:00 (I’m beginning to really dislike the James Blunt Song “You’re Beautiful” but that’s only because it’s my alarm clock tone!) and I staggered out of bed to grab a shower.

Or so the plan was. Mum had already tried the hot water in the basin, and it was non-existent. So, I called the reception, and they sent someone up to sort it. Fine. Not. We were told that if we left it about 30 mins, then there should be hot water, as everyone was using the showers at the same time, meaning that there was no spare hot water.

To say I was unimpressed was an understatement, and Mum and I both went down for breakfast, hoping that there would be hot water when we got back. There was – just about, and the pair of us were muttering very darkly about it, and both agreed that this was probably the worst Premier Inn that we had ever stayed in.

However, it was very convent for Meadowhall (see http://www.meadowhall.co.uk/)and we managed to get parked very easily. Almost too easily if I’m honest, and we soon found the reason why. The place didn’t open until 10:00, and we were about an hour too early. Thank god for Costa Coffee which was open, and allowed the pair of us to plot our movements around the centre.

It’s a bit of a weird set up, and although it’s on two levels, very few shops had both levels taken, meaning that if you wanted to go to the upper level, you had to either find an escalator or fight your way into a lift (or risk being toppled on the stairs.)

On the whole, I would say that it’s reminiscent of Merry Hill, and yes, there were some interesting individual shops, but if I’m brutally honest, I wouldn’t make a special trip to go up there.

The Thursday night was just as bad as the previous night, and again, it was a case of no hot water, despite the fact that I decided to treat myself to an extra half hour in bed. But not that I was able to sleep, again due to the damned noise. And yet again, there was no hot water, and this was about 08:30!

Mum and I did something that we’ve never had cause to do in the whole time that we’ve used Premier Inn – we invoked the “Goodnight Guarantee” for both nights, as the pair of us were exhausted. Mum was worried about me driving but I knew as soon as I was out of that grotty place, and heading for home I would feel 100% better.

As I type this, yes, I am tired, but I know that I’ll feel better once I have crawled into my own bed, and had the joyful sound that is Wrennie Hendrix (that’s what I call our resident wren – I swear the little sod has a Stratocaster and power amp that it uses to serenade the garden) waking me up tomorrow morning.

Ah well, time to call this quits – I’ve got to be up early tomorrow morning – there appears to be no rest for the horrible..

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Returning from an escape- Part I…

Well, I’m back from my break in York and Sheffield. As per normal, I’ll split this into two posts, otherwise a single post will be way too long and complicated.

Mum and I left home at 05:55 on Monday, with the rain hammering down. The idea was to get through the bottleneck at Derby, as I refused to use the M1. Not because I am afraid of motorways, far from it. It’s more a case of preserving my driving license and helping the fuel economy on the car (and given the weather conditions, the spray on the motorway would have been horrendous to drive in).

So, it wasn’t a bad run and we were through Derby and well en-route when we decided to stop for breakfast (think we were near Alfreton). So, we stopped at the Little Chef. Ok – not a problem there, but Mum and I were the only ones in the restaurant. Considering it was attached to a Travel Lodge, the guests didn’t seem to be showing any inclination to eat there.

Mind you, I guess that I can see the reason why. A breakfast at the Premier Inn group that I tend to stay in will cost £7.95 for the Premier Breakfast, which is everything that is on offer, from croissants to a full cooked breakfast and everything in between, with drinks included in the price. However, a breakfast at the Little Chef would be about £10 (or more), as you would have to buy the breakfast and drinks of your choice individually.

Aside from that, I appreciated the break as driving in the rain wasn’t pleasant – mainly because it was dark until about 07:30 (I loathe the switch back to GMT – the only benefit that I can see is the fact that I get an extra hour in bed the day or rather night that the clocks go back).

Then it was back on track, again avoiding the motorway, and to be honest, there wasn’t much to look at (or stop off for) on the way up to York…  Or at least not until I spotted a sign that said “York Designer Village"

That was it. The perfect place to stop and have a break from driving, as I was getting bored with driving, and Mum was starting to suffer from “numb bum” syndrome. So, we parked and headed into the outlet.

To call it a designer outlet was somewhat misleading. Yes, there were a few designer outlets there (think one of them was Armani, and another was L K Bennett) but most of them were the usual run of the mill high street shops – places like Next and Marks & Spencer spring to mind immediately, with a few others mixed in with them.

Lunch was nothing too special – it was a jacket potato (ok – mine had chicken tikka as the filling) but it did the job, and allowed us to get back on the road to the Premier Inn that I had booked for the first part of our trip.

The rest of the trip was uneventful, and we managed to locate the Premier Inn without much hassle.

The approach to the hotel was somewhat disconcerting, but once I’d gotten over the fact that it was almost a single track road to get past the pub that the hotel was behind, it was nice and easy to park.

The hotel itself was very well appointed – just what I’ve come to expect from Premier inn, and although the bathroom was a slightly odd layout, (the bathroom door was placed so that the toilet area could be closed off from the main bathroom) it was just what I wanted. Apart from the fact that there was a shower cubical instead of a bath.

Ok – that did take some getting used to, as it didn’t allow as much movement space as I am accustomed to, but once I was used it, it was nice and easy to use, with plenty of hot water.

Dinner was at the Dormouse, which was part of the Vintage Inn group – not one that I know much about (although I think there is a pub that I’ve been to with my beloved that is part of the same group – I’ll have to ask him) and to say that I was spoilt for choice was an understatement.

Good beer (think things like Black Sheep and Sharps Doombar on draught) and the food menu was very good as well. To say that I was stuffed after my choice was an understatement (but I think that the pint of Doombar helped as well!)

The following morning, after breakfast Mum and I headed into York, using the Park and Ride (think it was the Rawston Lane one – I can recall that it was the Green line though) The weather was vile, and I have to admit, York is rather reminiscent of a rabbit warren – and is hardly compact when it comes to shopping. It’s ok I guess if you know your way around the city, but as I haven’t been to York for about 20 years or so, things have changed an awful lot.

As the weather was so vile (think heavy rain and very cold wind) Mum and I spent most of our time dodging in and out of the various shops. The one I was pleased to find was Culppeper – there was one in Leamington many years ago, but it closed and has been replaced by some perfume shop or other…

Aside from that, there were quite a few individual shops, that ranged from really interesting (things like the Whisky Shop on Coppergate) to the run of the mill (like Marks and Spencer)

As the weather was so vile, I skipped my trip to see York Minster, as I was cold and tired – I think the early start on Monday had knocked the living daylights out of me, so it was a cold walk back to the bus stop. Thankfully, we didn’t have too long to wait, and we were soon back in the room at the hotel (and I have to admit that I was soon asleep!)

The following day (Wednesday) we headed back into York, as I was determined to go around the Minster. Again, it wasn’t very pleasant weather, but at least it wasn’t raining – just blasted cold. As Mum didn’t fancy going around the Minster, we agreed to meet in the Costa coffee shop that was near (ok – opposite) the park and ride bus stop.

So, off I scampered to the Minster- only to discover the entrance had been changed, and was in a different location. But that was soon overcome, and I entered the Minster. The memories came flooding back, as the last time I was there was with Dad, and I remember being awestruck even then.

I spent a shorter time there than I would have really liked, but as I was supposed to be heading to our next stop, it meant I couldn’t spend as long as I would have liked (plus I didn’t have my camera with me – something for which I am kicking myself for) but as I was going to be going to Sheffield Meadowhall I didn’t really want to have to leave the camera in the car…

Ah well, time to call this quits – I’m supposed to be unpacking – not blogging.

Back later with the details about the Sheffield leg of the trip…


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Canadian Billboards are Great

These got sent to me by a colleague, and they’ve really brightened up a gloomy afternoon. Enjoy.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

***************************************************************************

Canadian Billboards are Great!


Now I know why I like our neighbors to the North. Nothing they do is politically correct.

GED Test

Some times, you just have to post things – and this is one of them. All I will say is enjoy.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

**********************************************************************

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs                    

(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery                         

(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.

(WTF?!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

(Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

(OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

(Brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

More news...

I’ve just received another e-mail from my beloved:

Good afternoon

Just to let you know the company is with immediate effect in administration.

There are likely to be some redundancies possibly as soon as tomorrow morning. The company is in the High Court in London and the administrators will be here until a conclusion is met.

They are hopeful of a sale but this may not be until next Friday at the earliest. We are to try to continue to trade but it will be almost impossible. It’s been fun but right now it is not

There isn’t a lot I can add to this right now, as my head is spinning, and I dread to think how my beloved is feeling right now.

Back when I get the chance.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Well, Smeg.

Not the sort of e-mail that I wanted to receive under any circumstances. My beloved's company has been in trouble for a while, and I received this e-mail from him this morning:

Good morning

Well the state of play today is that we have a team of administrators in with us today. They are here to determine redundancies throughout the company.

We may well be told that we are no longer needed by the end of the week and that we are all redundant. This is all happening as this goes to print as you can guess the atmosphere here is not at all good as this well may be our last day of trading.

God alone knows what the outcome will be. Of course I will let you know how it seems to be panning out as soon as there is anything to say. That is if I can still e-mail from here....

To say I am shaken is an understatement. Ok - I knew that there was a chance that he was going to have to re-apply for his job, but to see it in writing from him just seems to make it all the more real.

All I can do at this moment in time is pray that everything goes ok for him, as it’s not nice to go through this at anytime of year, and on the run up to Christmas just makes it seem all the worst. But as I know that he is capable of pulling thought this, and I have every intention of making sure that his health doesn’t suffer.

Ah well, I guess I should call this quits – I'm nearly at the end of my lunch break – not that I could eat anything.

Back when I get the chance.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Return of the Cookie

Well, my phone is now back on my desk where it belongs. The muppets that had it for repair called to say it was ready – only they didn’t speak to me – they spoke to Mum. When she said I wasn’t available, the muppet on the phone got quite snotty, and Mum politely pointed out that I was at work. She then asked a relevant question for me – as in does the phone work?

Only to be told that they couldn’t test it without the SIM card. Lying sods. I demonstrated the phone was knackered without the SIM card, so it appears that they couldn’t be bothered to check.

So, I made sure that I had the paperwork with me this afternoon, and went to collect the Cookie. Ok – so good so far. Until I was asked to sign the paperwork that said the product was in an acceptable condition – even before I had checked to see if it was working. No way was I going to sign anything until I knew that the fault had been sorted out, and the phone looked / worked OK.

The muppet on the collection desk wasn’t too impressed, but I wasn’t signing anything until I was happy that the Cookie worked. Thankfully it did, and I returned to the office… Only to realise that I had dropped the micro SD card for my Cookie.

Thankfully I found it, and it’s now safely stored in my phone, so I can copy all the contacts back onto the Cookie, as well as the dedicated ring tones for friends and family (at least I now know who’s calling me without having to look at the display!)

Ah well, time to call this quits – I need to put the Cookie on charge, as I’ve managed to deplete the battery with all the things that I've had to restore.

Back tomorrow, if I get the chance.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

The Older Crowd.

Just a little something that made me smile…

Enjoy.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

****************************************************************************

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true,' she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so" the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

****************************************************************************

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me!

I want people to know 'why' I look this way.

I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

****************************************************************************

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old , tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a mini skirt. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

****************************************************************************

Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder, and Your hand over my mouth!

More jokes

Well, the jokes are comming in thick and fast today - and it's not even 09:00.  So, I've posted the best ones here.

Enjoy.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

*********************************************************************************

Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.


"Should I tell her the war is over?"


And this one:

Darwin Award Nominees 2009

I make no apologies for this – it always makes me laugh.

Enjoy.

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

*********************************************************************************

Once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees.

"The Darwins" are awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool.

Here is the official 2009 list. Notice the interesting spin for this year's first place award which comes to us - from of all places, Arkansas. How surprising is that?


This year's nominees are:

Nominee No. 1 :
(San Jose Mercury News):

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2 :
(Kalamazoo Gazette):

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft.

Nominee No. 3:
(Hickory Daily Record):

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4:
(UPI, Toronto):

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings' windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

Nominee No. 5:
(The News of the Weird):

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6:

A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay Countryman, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7:
(Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario):

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony."

Finally, THE WINNER!!!:
(Arkansas Democrat Gazette):

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 calibre bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering- wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge After travelling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate again as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank Goodness we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole 's wife), asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Priorities, after all!!

Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

Another year older.

Well, another birthday has been (and almost gone), and allegedly as you get older, you’re supposed to feel wiser. I certainly haven’t, so I think that myth has, in the infamous words of the MythBuster team “been well and truly busted”.

Today started on a surprising note for me. My alarm had gone off at 07:25, and I was doing my best to ignore it, when my phone rang. Now normally, I would ignore it, and go back to sleep.

But not for this call, because it was my beloved. The fact that he’d taken the time to call me (ok, it was 07:30) really started the day off with a smile. He sang “happy birthday” to me, and said that when we met up, he would give me my birthday hug when he saw me, but that he was sending me virtual hugs all day.

It was then time for me to crawl out of my pit and get ready for work, but I have to admit that it was with real reluctance that I got up as I was nice and warm in bed! As I had agreed to have my presents when I came home, as it would have meant a mad rush for me this morning, and I really cannot face that sort of thing!

Once into the playpen, it was quiet, and there were no decorations on my desk! Not that I am complaining – far from it. Mind you – this could be due to the fact that I have a habit of leaving my desk in such a way that it is almost impossible to decorate it without removing stuff that I need.

My beloved was true to form, and kept sending me silly pictures on my e-mail:

I have to admit, they had the desired effect and made me gin like the proverbial village idiot all day.

Once the working day was over, I escaped home and much to my amusement, Mum had left my presents on the sofa, along with my card. I opened the card, and it promptly started playing the theme to Shaun the Sheep! My presents were silly bits – the best one being a bottle of Captain Morgan’s spiced rum.

To be honest, it was a nice, gentle day, but as I type this, I can feel my eyes getting heavy, and I am ready to crawl into my pit, so I guess this is time to call this entry quits and head for bed.

Back tomorrow if I get the chance…


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Jokes to brighten a gloomy day

It's not been a nice day today - in fact, it's been bloody cold. But these jokes have really made me giggle.

So all I will say is enjoy (and I take no responsibility for them - other than posting!)

Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

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As I've matured:

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned that if its not broke, don't try and fix it.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

I've learned that if its not broke, don't try and fix it.

And:

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole?

It is called the anal optic nerve.

It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

New mobile…

As I type this, I am not a happy person. Simply because the trolls where I returned my phone said that it had to be repaired as opposed to replaced, and this was after I’d argued with them about the phone not working.

These things are sent to try us, and allegedly this repair will take a week However, it may be a week on Monday, as I had allegedly missed the repair courier. But in the mood that I am in, I am inclined to go back to the store next Friday and ask if my phone is back, as it will be a week since they had it for a “repair”.

Then, to add insult to my injury, when they were booking the phone in for the repair, I was asked the daftest question ever... Had I got a mobile number that they could contact me on? Hello? Earth calling moron. You’ve just taken my bloody mobile for repair, and I don’t have a spare.

Ok – I do now, but that was because I decided to walk down to Carphone Warehouse, and splash out a whole £20 on a new phone. Ok - £10 for the phone, and £10 for the airtime. So at least I have a phone that I can use, and it’s not cost me silly money, unlike the ones that were available where I took my phone back.

But to be honest, I really wish that I’d got my LG Cookie back, as it had got everything on there – including silly games and plenty of jokes that I had been sent – not to mention all my bloody contacts.

Ah well, guess I should call this quits – I’m very close to the end of my very late lunch break, and I’ve still got to grab a bite to eat.

Back when I get the chance.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

Friday jokes…

It’s funny, but every Friday, I seem to get a load of jokes sent to me. I’ve posted the best ones, so enjoy.


Karen

Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: " £60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking £950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £920,000. They will probably take it.. If not, we can go the extra 30 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


Next joke:

DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.’

Final joke...

Man killed on golf course

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those "F------ LESSONS I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken "golf lessons" instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.......