This got sent to me by a colleague, and I make no apologies for posting it.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
****************************************************
Zen Teachings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No-one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else..
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the fly; some days you are the windscreen
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ..... And most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... Then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Revenge
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
Again, another joke, and this has been doing the rounds for years. It’s the sort of thing that has had me giggling at my desk, when not much else has been able to do so.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
********************************************
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course the Madam said 'No'.
The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
********************************************
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course the Madam said 'No'.
The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'
The Burglar
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
Sometimes, a joke gets sent that really makes me grin – and this was one of them. I make no apologies for posting it either.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
****************************************************
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
"Jesus knows you're here."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you"
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
****************************************************
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
"Jesus knows you're here."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you"
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Stud Rooster
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
This joke came from my beloved, and I make no apologies for posting it, as it made me laugh first thing this morning, when not much else has managed to do so.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
**********************************************************
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young roster says, 'Beat it: you are washed up and I am taking over..'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop. But how about giving me a little head start?'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. I'll give you 50 feet'
The old rooster takes off running. About 10 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 10 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the porch when he sees the roosters running by. The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits...
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit....... Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this story?
Don't mess with the old farts - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
**********************************************************
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young roster says, 'Beat it: you are washed up and I am taking over..'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop. But how about giving me a little head start?'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. I'll give you 50 feet'
The old rooster takes off running. About 10 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 10 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the porch when he sees the roosters running by. The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits...
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit....... Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this story?
Don't mess with the old farts - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE
Questions you just can't answer
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
Sometimes, something really good hits my inbox – and this is one of them. I make no apology for posting this – it made me giggle.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
************************************************************
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder.....
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on........
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
************************************************************
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder.....
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on........
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Complaint
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
Again, I make no apologies for posting this - it's the sort of thing that just brings a silly grin to my face.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
**********
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
**********
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
Obituary
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
I make no apologies for posting this – it made me laugh.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***********************************
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71…
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***********************************
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71…
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
Traffic Camera
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
Well, the jokes are coming in thick and fast today – people must have realised that I was grumpy cow when I came in this morning, so have decided to try and cheer me up.
This is the latest joke to hit my inbox – enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
**********************************************
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
This is the latest joke to hit my inbox – enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
**********************************************
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
The scent of freshness
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
Apologies if this has already been posted, but it really made me laugh...
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
*********************************
A new supermarket opened in Double Bay, Sydney, Australia
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and bratwurst.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped John Smith's beer.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread & cakes.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
*********************************
A new supermarket opened in Double Bay, Sydney, Australia
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and bratwurst.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped John Smith's beer.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread & cakes.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
An Irish ghost story
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
This got sent to me by a good friend, and I will admit that it made me laugh.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***************************
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... 'Look Paddy… There's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***************************
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... 'Look Paddy… There's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'
9 Months Later...
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
Some times you get a joke that really makes you smile – and this is one of them.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
*************************************************
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes, ' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you...? You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
*************************************************
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes, ' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you...? You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
How to Call in Sick when You Just Need a Day Off
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
I make no apologies for posting this – it was sent to me by a co-worker, with the tag line: To all you fakers out there!!.. We know what you’re playing at..
Enjoy
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
******************************************
Calling Method
Complain about fake symptoms. A day before your day off, make hints about your ‘flu by casually reporting about your untrue ‘flu-like symptoms throughout the whole day to your colleagues. For example, say that your bones hurt and you feel a little sore on that day. This way, your co-workers can make the connection to your symptoms from the day before.
Call your boss early the next morning. Do not delay because it will cause displeasure to your boss. And also you will want to avoid your boss from labeling you as a bad employee by not informing him or her early. Moreover, if you call early, you will have a rather rough voice after waking up. This will give you some added credibility
Make the call a short one. Just say that you are not coming in as you are calling in sick that day. Excellent choices are severe headache or stomach ailment, as they are common. Don't get too detailed. For instance, don't say that you were sick at 12:34 last night or your computer was yet to be cleaned of the vomit.
Be prepared for a Q &A session. Is your boss nosy? Anxious about the sickness (if you work in food service, for example)? Try to imagine what kinds of questions your boss might have. Food poisoning? Contagious? Have you called a doctor? Have you taken anything? Try to have answers for these questions prepared ahead of time; otherwise you'll be fumbling and might lose your story.
Get off the phone as quickly as possible. Stories are told by liars. The longer you are on the phone, the better chance you have to mess something up.
Good Examples of a Sick Statement
"Morning. I'm not going to be in today. I was up all last night sick. My stomach feels terrible."
"I won't be in today, I am not feeling well."
"I've spent the last 12 hours either in bed or in the bathroom. I don't think I should go to work today."
"I'm in terrible shape, and I just don't think it would be fair to you or my co-workers (and/or customers if you're in the retail or food industry) to come to work in this condition - I'd be pretty useless like this."
"I'm using a sick day today" (Usually stories are told when you are lying).
"Hi, this is so-and-so, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it in today. I've been up since 01:00 AM throwing up."
Alternative Method
1 Find alternative ways of contacting your boss. This can be calling your boss' voice mail or SMS or even sending an e-mail rather than speaking with him or her directly. This avoids the possibility of questions and awkward advice that often trips up the caller, as well as having to make your voice sound sick. Also, get ready for what to say when the time comes. There isn't always an option to erase and re-record your message if you mess up.
2.Fake Sick at Work Method
Act sick at work. If you really want people to believe you, go to work as per normal. Bring a can of soup with you. When there are at least three people in the room at work, hold your stomach, groan loudly, hold your mouth and then dart into the bathroom. Someone will probably come into the bathroom simply because they will get curious, so close the door and make puking sounds while dumping the soup.
Put on some make up. Spread some soup on your mouth, hold your stomach and come out. Either wash the soup on your mouth in the sink or if you want to be daring, come out holding your stomach with the "vomit" on your face and act dizzy.
While talking interrupt the other person by coughing, groaning, etc. and talk in a monotone, groggy voice.
If you actually ARE sick and you need to get a doctor's note for work, ask for a "Return to Work" date which you know is longer than you'll really need, then go back to work "early" before the note says you should return. This makes you look like a dedicated employee who uses less sick time than necessary, and is documentation that you can point to in your employment record, should your use of sick time ever be questioned in the future.
Make the phone call to your boss whilst lying on your back - you automatically sound groggy.
If your "affliction" sounds gross enough, your boss is more likely to want to hang up the phone and let you get on with it - diarrhea is the classic example of this. Also, if you're female, say hesitantly, "Feminine problems."
If you live with a housemate or spouse, ask them (nicely) to make the phone-in-sick-call and tell them to explain you are too ill to get to the phone.
Be sure not to use "if I feel better, I'll try to come in after lunch." He will know you won't and will immediately know you're lying.
Do not "schedule" a sick day in advance. If your boss finds out that you let people know two weeks ago that you were going to be sick today, you could lose your job.
Lie in bed on your back with your head over the side. Let the blood rush to your head. After a few minutes, this position makes you sound very stuffy and just not yourself.
Note - Wet feet or wet hair do not cause illness. The day before, if you have a "real" cold and there's a snowstorm, tell your workmates that you forgot to wear boots and consequently got a bunch of snow in your shoes and you drove home with frozen feet. Logically, you get a fever overnight.
Go to work when you're really sick, so your boss will not think you're faking when you decided to play sick to get out of working. Once you're shoved out the door a few times for being deathly ill (and infectious) at work your boss becomes thankful when you do call in sick.
If you go to the beach on your day off, don't forget the sunscreen. Showing up to work the next day looking like a lobster can be embarrassing, not to mention incriminating.
If you want to get multiple days off, pick a good illness: a migraine or a bad case of gastro can get you off for two or more days, as they can carry on for a long time and pop up at any time. Pink eye and strep throat can drag on longer. Research the illness if you're very dedicated to avoiding work. Ask friends for the symptoms of the bad (real) illnesses they've had over time.
Casually mention you've called the doctor and are waiting to hear back with an appointment time. (Say you left a message with the service last night or with a nurse today.) During peak cold and flu seasons it may be several days before they could squeeze you in for an office visit. If work demands a note after you get back you can always say your appointment isn't until later in the week. It gives you time to run to the doctor.
If you try to take off on a Friday, then you will have more time to "recover" over the weekend.
If you're going to cop-out with voicemail:
1) Don't leave too many "um..."'s in your explanation. Write it down & read it. Or, at least have it well rehearsed.
2) Don't just say you're "sick." Have tangible symptoms that people can relate to.
3) Don't try to fool people if they know you have other things going on in your life. Be honest with people. If you just need a few hours off to run an errand or pick a relative up at an airport, just tell the truth.
There’s more to it... But this should get you through...
Enjoy
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
******************************************
Calling Method
Complain about fake symptoms. A day before your day off, make hints about your ‘flu by casually reporting about your untrue ‘flu-like symptoms throughout the whole day to your colleagues. For example, say that your bones hurt and you feel a little sore on that day. This way, your co-workers can make the connection to your symptoms from the day before.
Call your boss early the next morning. Do not delay because it will cause displeasure to your boss. And also you will want to avoid your boss from labeling you as a bad employee by not informing him or her early. Moreover, if you call early, you will have a rather rough voice after waking up. This will give you some added credibility
Make the call a short one. Just say that you are not coming in as you are calling in sick that day. Excellent choices are severe headache or stomach ailment, as they are common. Don't get too detailed. For instance, don't say that you were sick at 12:34 last night or your computer was yet to be cleaned of the vomit.
Be prepared for a Q &A session. Is your boss nosy? Anxious about the sickness (if you work in food service, for example)? Try to imagine what kinds of questions your boss might have. Food poisoning? Contagious? Have you called a doctor? Have you taken anything? Try to have answers for these questions prepared ahead of time; otherwise you'll be fumbling and might lose your story.
Get off the phone as quickly as possible. Stories are told by liars. The longer you are on the phone, the better chance you have to mess something up.
Good Examples of a Sick Statement
"Morning. I'm not going to be in today. I was up all last night sick. My stomach feels terrible."
"I won't be in today, I am not feeling well."
"I've spent the last 12 hours either in bed or in the bathroom. I don't think I should go to work today."
"I'm in terrible shape, and I just don't think it would be fair to you or my co-workers (and/or customers if you're in the retail or food industry) to come to work in this condition - I'd be pretty useless like this."
"I'm using a sick day today" (Usually stories are told when you are lying).
"Hi, this is so-and-so, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it in today. I've been up since 01:00 AM throwing up."
Alternative Method
1 Find alternative ways of contacting your boss. This can be calling your boss' voice mail or SMS or even sending an e-mail rather than speaking with him or her directly. This avoids the possibility of questions and awkward advice that often trips up the caller, as well as having to make your voice sound sick. Also, get ready for what to say when the time comes. There isn't always an option to erase and re-record your message if you mess up.
2.Fake Sick at Work Method
Act sick at work. If you really want people to believe you, go to work as per normal. Bring a can of soup with you. When there are at least three people in the room at work, hold your stomach, groan loudly, hold your mouth and then dart into the bathroom. Someone will probably come into the bathroom simply because they will get curious, so close the door and make puking sounds while dumping the soup.
Put on some make up. Spread some soup on your mouth, hold your stomach and come out. Either wash the soup on your mouth in the sink or if you want to be daring, come out holding your stomach with the "vomit" on your face and act dizzy.
While talking interrupt the other person by coughing, groaning, etc. and talk in a monotone, groggy voice.
If you actually ARE sick and you need to get a doctor's note for work, ask for a "Return to Work" date which you know is longer than you'll really need, then go back to work "early" before the note says you should return. This makes you look like a dedicated employee who uses less sick time than necessary, and is documentation that you can point to in your employment record, should your use of sick time ever be questioned in the future.
Make the phone call to your boss whilst lying on your back - you automatically sound groggy.
If your "affliction" sounds gross enough, your boss is more likely to want to hang up the phone and let you get on with it - diarrhea is the classic example of this. Also, if you're female, say hesitantly, "Feminine problems."
If you live with a housemate or spouse, ask them (nicely) to make the phone-in-sick-call and tell them to explain you are too ill to get to the phone.
Be sure not to use "if I feel better, I'll try to come in after lunch." He will know you won't and will immediately know you're lying.
Do not "schedule" a sick day in advance. If your boss finds out that you let people know two weeks ago that you were going to be sick today, you could lose your job.
Lie in bed on your back with your head over the side. Let the blood rush to your head. After a few minutes, this position makes you sound very stuffy and just not yourself.
Note - Wet feet or wet hair do not cause illness. The day before, if you have a "real" cold and there's a snowstorm, tell your workmates that you forgot to wear boots and consequently got a bunch of snow in your shoes and you drove home with frozen feet. Logically, you get a fever overnight.
Go to work when you're really sick, so your boss will not think you're faking when you decided to play sick to get out of working. Once you're shoved out the door a few times for being deathly ill (and infectious) at work your boss becomes thankful when you do call in sick.
If you go to the beach on your day off, don't forget the sunscreen. Showing up to work the next day looking like a lobster can be embarrassing, not to mention incriminating.
If you want to get multiple days off, pick a good illness: a migraine or a bad case of gastro can get you off for two or more days, as they can carry on for a long time and pop up at any time. Pink eye and strep throat can drag on longer. Research the illness if you're very dedicated to avoiding work. Ask friends for the symptoms of the bad (real) illnesses they've had over time.
Casually mention you've called the doctor and are waiting to hear back with an appointment time. (Say you left a message with the service last night or with a nurse today.) During peak cold and flu seasons it may be several days before they could squeeze you in for an office visit. If work demands a note after you get back you can always say your appointment isn't until later in the week. It gives you time to run to the doctor.
If you try to take off on a Friday, then you will have more time to "recover" over the weekend.
If you're going to cop-out with voicemail:
1) Don't leave too many "um..."'s in your explanation. Write it down & read it. Or, at least have it well rehearsed.
2) Don't just say you're "sick." Have tangible symptoms that people can relate to.
3) Don't try to fool people if they know you have other things going on in your life. Be honest with people. If you just need a few hours off to run an errand or pick a relative up at an airport, just tell the truth.
There’s more to it... But this should get you through...
For Sale...
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
I make no apologies if people have already seen this – it’s made me smile…
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***************************************************************
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***************************************************************
FOR SALE - ONE USELESS CAT!
Another joke
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
Well, the jokes are coming in thick and fast today, so this is the second one that I’ve decided to post, as it just appealed to my twisted sense of humour…
I make no apologies for it – it’s made me laugh.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***********************************
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over… I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
I make no apologies for it – it’s made me laugh.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***********************************
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over… I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Christian Humour worth the read
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
Occasionally, I get a really funny, clean joke - and this is one of those rare occasions.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
********************************************
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES....
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
********************************************
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES....
Friday afternoon giggles
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
This got sent to me by a good friend - I make no apologies for posting it -it's made me giggle this afternoon.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***********************************************************
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer MY ROLEX!"
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***********************************************************
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer MY ROLEX!"
Another day, another joke…
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
There are some things that are too good to not to post – and this is one of them. I make no apologies – it was sent to me by a colleague.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
****************************
Life in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez it’s only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers, Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bull’s eye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
****************************
Life in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez it’s only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers, Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bull’s eye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila.
They walk amongst us
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
Sometimes, this is all that needs to be said.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***********************************************************
IDIOT SIGHTING #1
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty pence piece.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..
Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING #2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Garador repair since.
Happened in Moor Park ,Nr Watford UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Potters Bar , Herts , UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From South Oxney Herts , UK ...
IDIOT SIGHTING #5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened Luton Airport .... UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's unsafe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Counciller employee in Harrow , Middlesex , UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the fitter/mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK .
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***********************************************************
IDIOT SIGHTING #1
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty pence piece.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..
Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING #2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Garador repair since.
Happened in Moor Park ,Nr Watford UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Potters Bar , Herts , UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From South Oxney Herts , UK ...
IDIOT SIGHTING #5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened Luton Airport .... UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's unsafe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Counciller employee in Harrow , Middlesex , UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the fitter/mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK .
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!
Can't you tell it's a Friday?
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
This got sent to me by my beloved, and has succeeded in making me smile.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***********************************************************
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller... He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(Folks, you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
***********************************************************
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller... He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(Folks, you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Jokes that make you smile
Posted by
Karen
comments (0)
There are some days when you just need something to make you smile – and today is one of them. I feel really grotty, as I’m coughing like I smoke 40+ cigarettes a day (I’m a total non-smoker!) and I’m starting to squeak as I lose my dratted voice.
But, these jokes made me smile, so the least I can do is post them.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
**********************************
WHAT'S IN A NAME!!!
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.
Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they
had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.
**********************************
FROZEN CARBURETOR
In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.
For example:
On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the matter?" asked the policeman.
"Carburettor’s frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I Can't."
"OK, Watch and I'll show you."
The constable lubricated the carburettor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving. A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded....."
But, these jokes made me smile, so the least I can do is post them.
Enjoy.
Karen
Now some things you hold on to - and some you just let go
Seems like the ones that you can't have
Are the ones that you want most
**********************************
WHAT'S IN A NAME!!!
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.
Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they
had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.
**********************************
FROZEN CARBURETOR
In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.
For example:
On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the matter?" asked the policeman.
"Carburettor’s frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I Can't."
"OK, Watch and I'll show you."
The constable lubricated the carburettor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving. A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded....."
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