Starting the day with a smile or two….

Ok – I apologise in advance if people have seen these jokes before, but they made me grin!

Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings

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The Koala and the Little Lizard




A koala is sitting up in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says

"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."



So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while, the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says

"Hey you!"




So the koala looks down at him and says:



"Fuckin’ hell dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

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Two Scots, Angus and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.


"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...


Angus nods approvingly. "Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.


"A kilt?" exclaims Angus, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that! "And what's the tartan?" Angus then enquires.


"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."