It sounds crazy, but this is how I feel at the moment. My beloved is going through another patch of depression, and it breaks my heart to see him so low. He's not the sort of person that you would associate with such a condition, because he is a master of hiding behind a poker face.
But, last night, he was walking a very fine line, and I wish he had been able to break the dam and release all the pent up emotions he has inside. We spoke about what was causing him to feel so low, and he said that he wished he could find a way to go back to being happy, instead of riding this roller-coaster of emotion all the time.
Free is all we gotta be
Dream dreams no one else can see
But ya never know what might be comin' for you and me
Ya it's gonna be
What upset him more than anything, was the fact that people he considers "friends" seem determined to take lumps out of him, and lay the blame for their troubles at his door, regardless of whether he was / is at fault or not, and they don't seem to realise the damage that they are doing to him.
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you
He's really fed up with the attitude of the people he works with, and not for the first time, he has said that he wants out of his job with the company he's working for. I can sympathise with that feeling, as I've been there myself, but it took me being signed off sick to make me realise the damage that my so-called manager was doing to me.
He didn't last long after I resigned - all of about 10 days as he was suspended for bullying. Unfortunately, he resigned before he was fired - I would have fired the fat b'stard into a reinforced concrete wall from a high velocity cannon. At point blank range. Not that I'm vindictive towards him. Much.
Somewhere - there's a place for you
I know that you believe it too
Sometimes if you wanna get away
All ya gotta know is what we got is here to stay
All the way
But, my beloved has said that he has no intention of telling the people he works with what is causing part of his depression, as he says (quite rightly) that it is nothing to do with them and doesn't want his private life to be the subject of discussion and speculation.
And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
So, for the time being, all I can do is act as a shoulder for him to lean on, and give him all the love and support that he needs to get through this latest struggle.
If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time
Guess I should call this quits - I've got bits and pieces to sort out before I make a break for freedom in 8 days time...
Back when I get chance.
Karen
I've been watching, I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Planning another escape (or four)...
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Yes, I'm back to my usual tricks - planning escapes - both with Mum and on my own. The first escape is going to be one on my own - a singer that I like - Gary Moore - is going on tour, and I'm hoping to persuade my beloved to take a day or so to head up to Wolverhampton to go and see him with me.
The other escapes are going to be with Mum - we're going back to Jersey at the end of March for a week, and back to Madeira the end of June for a couple of weeks - but I'll be back in time to get down to Silverstone for the British Grand Prix with my godsprog.
As for other escapes, well, I'll just have to see what heads my way and see where life takes me - but I know that there is another possible escape on the horizon - again, with Mum.
This time, it's another weeding (I mean wedding) - my cousin Alex is getting married the beginning of September in Brighton, so that means I've got to find a decent top to wear with my dark suit - there's no way I'm going to get anything else (like a dress) as I know damned well that I would never wear it again - well voluntarily anyway!!
Ah well, guess I should think about doing some work, but I'm suffering from a sever case of TNFI (totally no ******g interest) - and it's only Tuesday!
Back when I get the chance...
Karen
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
The other escapes are going to be with Mum - we're going back to Jersey at the end of March for a week, and back to Madeira the end of June for a couple of weeks - but I'll be back in time to get down to Silverstone for the British Grand Prix with my godsprog.
As for other escapes, well, I'll just have to see what heads my way and see where life takes me - but I know that there is another possible escape on the horizon - again, with Mum.
This time, it's another weeding (I mean wedding) - my cousin Alex is getting married the beginning of September in Brighton, so that means I've got to find a decent top to wear with my dark suit - there's no way I'm going to get anything else (like a dress) as I know damned well that I would never wear it again - well voluntarily anyway!!
Ah well, guess I should think about doing some work, but I'm suffering from a sever case of TNFI (totally no ******g interest) - and it's only Tuesday!
Back when I get the chance...
Karen
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
Chilling out before Christmas
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There's something magical about seeing someone you love just before Christmas - and that's what I've been lucky enough to do this weekend.
I’d arranged to meet my beloved at the Green Man pub / restaurant, with the idea being that it was a weekend for the pair of us to kick back, shut out the world and spend some time together – with no-one demanding that we pay attention to them.
All I will say is that I’m nicely chilled out, and am ready to face the madness that is Christmas, and that nothing will be able to rattle my confidence.
Time to call this quits – I’ve still got a few bits and pieces to sort out…
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings
I’d arranged to meet my beloved at the Green Man pub / restaurant, with the idea being that it was a weekend for the pair of us to kick back, shut out the world and spend some time together – with no-one demanding that we pay attention to them.
All I will say is that I’m nicely chilled out, and am ready to face the madness that is Christmas, and that nothing will be able to rattle my confidence.
Time to call this quits – I’ve still got a few bits and pieces to sort out…
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings
Repeating a scare?
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Ever had a feeling of déjà vu? Well, my best friend had that horrible feeling today.
How do I know? Simple. He sent me the following e-mail:
Sorry Kaz
Something’s come up I gotta go
My Mum’s been taken back into hospital this morning I’ll contact you later when I can ok and I’ll let you know what’s going on
Not the sort of e-mail I wanted to receive, and I will admit to wondering how he was… or at least I did until I spoke to him whilst I was on my lunch break.
I sent him a message saying that I was on lunch and that if he wanted to talk, then I was around.
No sooner had I sent the message, I got reply saying that he wanted to talk… He’d been unable to see his Mum in the hospital but had spoken to his Dad who said that this problem seemed to have started last Thursday night.
My friend was (and still is) less than impressed but agreed with me when I said that his Mum was in the best place if (God forbid) anything did happen.
As I type this, I will admit that my thoughts and prayers are with him and his family, as I know only too well the pain that losing a parent can cause.
Ah well, guess I should call this quits – I’ve got work to do – not that I’ve got any interest at the moment…
Back when I get the chance.
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings
How do I know? Simple. He sent me the following e-mail:
Sorry Kaz
Something’s come up I gotta go
My Mum’s been taken back into hospital this morning I’ll contact you later when I can ok and I’ll let you know what’s going on
Not the sort of e-mail I wanted to receive, and I will admit to wondering how he was… or at least I did until I spoke to him whilst I was on my lunch break.
I sent him a message saying that I was on lunch and that if he wanted to talk, then I was around.
No sooner had I sent the message, I got reply saying that he wanted to talk… He’d been unable to see his Mum in the hospital but had spoken to his Dad who said that this problem seemed to have started last Thursday night.
My friend was (and still is) less than impressed but agreed with me when I said that his Mum was in the best place if (God forbid) anything did happen.
As I type this, I will admit that my thoughts and prayers are with him and his family, as I know only too well the pain that losing a parent can cause.
Ah well, guess I should call this quits – I’ve got work to do – not that I’ve got any interest at the moment…
Back when I get the chance.
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings
Laying a ghost to rest
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Well, I’ve seen my ex-fiancé and I refrained from laying him out in the middle of Oxford. I will admit that I was somewhat apprehensive about meeting him, but I will admit to being glad that Julian was with me, as it made things a little easier for me.
My ex wasn’t too keen on the fact that Julian was there, and even asked if we could talk somewhere on our own. Not a chance of that, as I was unwilling to give him the option of sweet-talking me into getting back with him – which he had managed to do in the past.
I should have known better
But I trusted you at first
I should have know better
But I got what I deserved
So, he seemed to sulk a bit, and then started saying how much he missed me, and how much he wanted us to get back together and that things would be better for the pair of us.
A little late for all the things you didn't say
I'm not sad for you
But I'm sad for all the time I had to waste
'Cause I learned the truth
Don’t ask me how I managed to stop myself exploding – but I think that Julian’s hand squeezing my elbow had something to do with it… I politely pointed out that he was the one who had forced my hand by insisting within a matter of days of Dad’s death, that I leave my job and move down south.
No warning of such a sad song
Of broken hearts My dreams of fairy tales and fantasy, oh
Were torn apart
That seemed to go down like a lead balloon, and I made sure that he realised there was no hope of us getting back together, as I reminded him that my life had changed for the better since I’d split up with him – and I was (and am) so much happier without him interfering with my life.
I lost my peace of mind
Somewhere along the way
I knew there's come a time
You'd hear me say I'm sick and tired
Of always being sick and tired
When I left, he looked like a puppy that had been kicked, but I knew damned well that if I’d shown the slightest bit of sympathy, then I was done for as he would just sucker me back into seeing him again – and this time – I want nothing more to do with him.
But, for now, I'm an awful lot happier than I was before I saw him, and I'm beginning to wonder why I let the b'stard wind me up so much.
More to the point, I've come to the conclusion that I am 100% better off without him in my life, and if he tries to contact me again... Well I might just have to resort to my original choice - laying him out cold!
Your heart is in a place I no longer wanna be
I knew there'd come a day I'd set you free
Guess I should call this quits – I’ve got stuff to sort out around the house…
Back later if I get the chance.
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings
My ex wasn’t too keen on the fact that Julian was there, and even asked if we could talk somewhere on our own. Not a chance of that, as I was unwilling to give him the option of sweet-talking me into getting back with him – which he had managed to do in the past.
I should have known better
But I trusted you at first
I should have know better
But I got what I deserved
So, he seemed to sulk a bit, and then started saying how much he missed me, and how much he wanted us to get back together and that things would be better for the pair of us.
A little late for all the things you didn't say
I'm not sad for you
But I'm sad for all the time I had to waste
'Cause I learned the truth
Don’t ask me how I managed to stop myself exploding – but I think that Julian’s hand squeezing my elbow had something to do with it… I politely pointed out that he was the one who had forced my hand by insisting within a matter of days of Dad’s death, that I leave my job and move down south.
No warning of such a sad song
Of broken hearts My dreams of fairy tales and fantasy, oh
Were torn apart
That seemed to go down like a lead balloon, and I made sure that he realised there was no hope of us getting back together, as I reminded him that my life had changed for the better since I’d split up with him – and I was (and am) so much happier without him interfering with my life.
I lost my peace of mind
Somewhere along the way
I knew there's come a time
You'd hear me say I'm sick and tired
Of always being sick and tired
When I left, he looked like a puppy that had been kicked, but I knew damned well that if I’d shown the slightest bit of sympathy, then I was done for as he would just sucker me back into seeing him again – and this time – I want nothing more to do with him.
But, for now, I'm an awful lot happier than I was before I saw him, and I'm beginning to wonder why I let the b'stard wind me up so much.
More to the point, I've come to the conclusion that I am 100% better off without him in my life, and if he tries to contact me again... Well I might just have to resort to my original choice - laying him out cold!
Your heart is in a place I no longer wanna be
I knew there'd come a day I'd set you free
Guess I should call this quits – I’ve got stuff to sort out around the house…
Back later if I get the chance.
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don’t have wings
A stressless existance? Not around here!
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Not a good day today. I came close to losing it in the office because I was feeling like crap (I find that very little sleep tends to do that to me now) and I was wound up - well past my normal tolerance levels.
It didn't help me when my friend called me and was really sweet - all that did was push me even closer to the edge, and I will admit to being a little bit short / sharp on the 'phone when I spoke to him.
There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones
Add into that, I got piled up with paperwork and you begin to get the general idea. OK - I don't think that the issues in my private life are really helping, but it's very rare that I get so stressed out that it starts to affect me at work.
I know one thing - the sooner that I get this over and done with, the happier I'm going to be as it will mean that I can get on with my life, without having to look over my shoulder the whole damned time, wondering what the hell is going to come and splatter my confidence all over the walls yet again.
Ah well, time to call this quits - I've go to get shifting as I've got stuff to do before I call it quits here tonight...
Back tomorrow.
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
It didn't help me when my friend called me and was really sweet - all that did was push me even closer to the edge, and I will admit to being a little bit short / sharp on the 'phone when I spoke to him.
There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones
Add into that, I got piled up with paperwork and you begin to get the general idea. OK - I don't think that the issues in my private life are really helping, but it's very rare that I get so stressed out that it starts to affect me at work.
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Till then I'll walk alone
I know one thing - the sooner that I get this over and done with, the happier I'm going to be as it will mean that I can get on with my life, without having to look over my shoulder the whole damned time, wondering what the hell is going to come and splatter my confidence all over the walls yet again.
Ah well, time to call this quits - I've go to get shifting as I've got stuff to do before I call it quits here tonight...
Back tomorrow.
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
Hoping to lay a ghost to rest...
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Well, the furry fiends have been fed, and are now sleeping off their munchies on my bed - which doesn't bother me that much as it means that I get peace and quiet for a while...
That means that I've been able to concentrate on the one problem that's been bugging me all weekend - my ex-fiancé.
He called me after I'd fed the cats, and much to his surprise, I answered the call. He somehow managed to refrain from making any sarcastic comments, as the last time he did, I put the 'phone down on him.
You say I’m heartless
And you say I don't care
I used to be there for you
And you've said I seem so dead, that I have changed
But so have you
I've agreed to meet him on neutral territory - Oxford - on Saturday in order to sort things out between us once and for all. Why he's so insistent on meeting up with me is a mystery to me, but I'm not dumb enough to fall for his charms - the old saying once bitten, twice shy is only too relevant where he's concerned.
You've been so thoughtless
I can see right through you
You used to be there for me
So don't you leave say goodbye
Cause you have changed but so have I
Equally, I've not been daft (or dumb) enough to go and meet him on my own. Julian has said that he'll come with me - I get the impression that he's terrified that I might do something I regret - like laying him out cold in the middle of Oxford.
Tempting as that might well be, he's really not worth the trouble, and all I want to do is shatter any and all illusions about the chances of us two getting back together. As I've said in a previous post - that will happen when Satan starts ordering winter woollies and antifreeze.
I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore
Until then, all I can do is make it plain that any discussions can wait until Saturday - I don't want to give him the impression that I'm considering anything where he's concerned - apart from the possibility of the best location to bury the hatchet. My personal preference would be right between his shoulder blades! *Grin*
Time to call this quits - I want some peace and quiet tonight, as it's back to the grindstone for me tomorrow...
Back tomorrow if I get the chance.
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
That means that I've been able to concentrate on the one problem that's been bugging me all weekend - my ex-fiancé.
He called me after I'd fed the cats, and much to his surprise, I answered the call. He somehow managed to refrain from making any sarcastic comments, as the last time he did, I put the 'phone down on him.
You say I’m heartless
And you say I don't care
I used to be there for you
And you've said I seem so dead, that I have changed
But so have you
I've agreed to meet him on neutral territory - Oxford - on Saturday in order to sort things out between us once and for all. Why he's so insistent on meeting up with me is a mystery to me, but I'm not dumb enough to fall for his charms - the old saying once bitten, twice shy is only too relevant where he's concerned.
You've been so thoughtless
I can see right through you
You used to be there for me
So don't you leave say goodbye
Cause you have changed but so have I
Equally, I've not been daft (or dumb) enough to go and meet him on my own. Julian has said that he'll come with me - I get the impression that he's terrified that I might do something I regret - like laying him out cold in the middle of Oxford.
Tempting as that might well be, he's really not worth the trouble, and all I want to do is shatter any and all illusions about the chances of us two getting back together. As I've said in a previous post - that will happen when Satan starts ordering winter woollies and antifreeze.
I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore
Until then, all I can do is make it plain that any discussions can wait until Saturday - I don't want to give him the impression that I'm considering anything where he's concerned - apart from the possibility of the best location to bury the hatchet. My personal preference would be right between his shoulder blades! *Grin*
Time to call this quits - I want some peace and quiet tonight, as it's back to the grindstone for me tomorrow...
Back tomorrow if I get the chance.
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
Being haunted by a ghost from the past
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What is it about me and control freaks? I seem to attract them and then seem to have even more trouble shaking them off. OK – let me rephrase that. The control freak in question is my ex-fiancé to be precise.
The last time I saw him, I threatened to do him some serious physical harm if he tried to contact me, and for the past 12 months or so, that threat seemed to keep him well away from me.
But, either I’m losing my touch, or he’s grown braver and has started trying to contact me again – which has really upset me.
He called me earlier today, asking me how I was, how Mum was and making it sound like the events that lead up to the threat never happened. Ok – maybe he thinks that I’ll have forgotten or more to the point forgiven him, but that will happen when Satan starts ordering winter woollies and antifreeze.
So, me being me, tried to make it plain (without resorting to offensive language or putting the ‘phone down on him) that the contact was unwelcome, and that I had nothing to say to him.
I would have thought that my lack of enthusiasm for the conversation would have given him the idea that I really didn’t want anything to do with him, but he seems to have all the empathy of a brick – without the use.
I'm outta love
Set me free
And let me out this misery
Just show me the way to get my life again
'Cause you can't handle me
(I said) I'm outta love
Can't you see
Baby that you gotta set me free
I'm outta love
So, in the end, I resorted to the old stand-by that my 'phone battery was dying, and that I would have to call it quits. He seemed a little miffed, and I thought that it would be the last I heard from him.
Boy, did I get that one wrong. He kept trying to call me all day today, which resulted in me turning my 'phone off, as all it was doing was winding me up, not to mention upsetting me on a day when I could have really done without it.
Time to call this quits - I've got to take the 207 back to Arbury Peugeot...
Back with a full review of the Peugeot...
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
The last time I saw him, I threatened to do him some serious physical harm if he tried to contact me, and for the past 12 months or so, that threat seemed to keep him well away from me.
But, either I’m losing my touch, or he’s grown braver and has started trying to contact me again – which has really upset me.
He called me earlier today, asking me how I was, how Mum was and making it sound like the events that lead up to the threat never happened. Ok – maybe he thinks that I’ll have forgotten or more to the point forgiven him, but that will happen when Satan starts ordering winter woollies and antifreeze.
So, me being me, tried to make it plain (without resorting to offensive language or putting the ‘phone down on him) that the contact was unwelcome, and that I had nothing to say to him.
I would have thought that my lack of enthusiasm for the conversation would have given him the idea that I really didn’t want anything to do with him, but he seems to have all the empathy of a brick – without the use.
I'm outta love
Set me free
And let me out this misery
Just show me the way to get my life again
'Cause you can't handle me
(I said) I'm outta love
Can't you see
Baby that you gotta set me free
I'm outta love
So, in the end, I resorted to the old stand-by that my 'phone battery was dying, and that I would have to call it quits. He seemed a little miffed, and I thought that it would be the last I heard from him.
Boy, did I get that one wrong. He kept trying to call me all day today, which resulted in me turning my 'phone off, as all it was doing was winding me up, not to mention upsetting me on a day when I could have really done without it.
Time to call this quits - I've got to take the 207 back to Arbury Peugeot...
Back with a full review of the Peugeot...
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
Happier times ahead for one, sadness ahead for another
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Well, it looks like my daft hog riding friend has made his decision. He's taken the role that he was offered, and has admitted that it was a stark choice - either he took this role or he looked for another job.
But, at the end of the day, as long as he's happy (ok - make that happier than he was) - that's all that I really care about, as I hated hearing him so down.
On a more personal note, I had to take the Pont back to the vet tonight, and it looks like the end is closing in for him. I've got to take him back to the vet's once a week, so that they can monitor him, and I've been told that Ponto has weeks as opposed to months left.
I will admit I was devastated when I was given this news, especially when I think of all the happy times that the cat and I have been through - not to mention all the fun that we've had causing havoc together. Plus, I don't know how Fred (my other cat) is going to cope, as he seems to look to Ponto as his role model. (God help the poor little sod!)
So, all I can do is make sure that he's not suffering (he seems quite capable of beating up a dog when he's in the mood) and give him all the fuss and attention that he deserves.
Time to call this quits - I need to get some sleep.
Back when I get the chance...
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
But, at the end of the day, as long as he's happy (ok - make that happier than he was) - that's all that I really care about, as I hated hearing him so down.
On a more personal note, I had to take the Pont back to the vet tonight, and it looks like the end is closing in for him. I've got to take him back to the vet's once a week, so that they can monitor him, and I've been told that Ponto has weeks as opposed to months left.
I will admit I was devastated when I was given this news, especially when I think of all the happy times that the cat and I have been through - not to mention all the fun that we've had causing havoc together. Plus, I don't know how Fred (my other cat) is going to cope, as he seems to look to Ponto as his role model. (God help the poor little sod!)
So, all I can do is make sure that he's not suffering (he seems quite capable of beating up a dog when he's in the mood) and give him all the fuss and attention that he deserves.
Time to call this quits - I need to get some sleep.
Back when I get the chance...
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
Looking to the future...
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Well, it looks like to day is D-Day for my daft hog riding friend. For the past few months, he's been agonising over what to do do with regards to his job, as he's admitted that he's getting to the stage that he just wants to leave.
He's been offered a slightly different role withing the company, and has admitted that he's not sure if it's what he really wants, as it means that he will be spending more time in the office, and less time going out on the road to see customers and setting up new accounts for them.
Instead, he'll be working with existing customers, improving relations with them and generally making sure that they're happy with the service that they are recieving.
By his own admission, he's not sure if he's really up for this role, and has said that it's going to take a lot of talking through and thinking about, as it could have a big impact on his life.
At the end of the day, he's the only one that can make the decision - all people like me can do is provide a shoulder to lean on, and an ear to bend as and when needed....
Ah well, guess I should call this quits - I'm supposed to be working - not blogging....
Back when I get the chance.
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
He's been offered a slightly different role withing the company, and has admitted that he's not sure if it's what he really wants, as it means that he will be spending more time in the office, and less time going out on the road to see customers and setting up new accounts for them.
Instead, he'll be working with existing customers, improving relations with them and generally making sure that they're happy with the service that they are recieving.
By his own admission, he's not sure if he's really up for this role, and has said that it's going to take a lot of talking through and thinking about, as it could have a big impact on his life.
At the end of the day, he's the only one that can make the decision - all people like me can do is provide a shoulder to lean on, and an ear to bend as and when needed....
Ah well, guess I should call this quits - I'm supposed to be working - not blogging....
Back when I get the chance.
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
When a lonely heart breaks...
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I sent a message to my best friend last night, and the reply I got really upset me, as I knew that there was not a damned thing I could do:
No, not at all - I can't stop crying just sitting in my car listening to my CD. Some songs **** me over tonight more than normal, due to a certain person. I'm hurting and hurting bad and it's all down to one person again. Am I such a bad person? I don't need this **** and I'm so lonely, I just want to be on my own and cry my heart out.
Sorry.
What the hell can you say to a text like that?? I sent a reply saying that I would be at the end of the 'phone if he needed to talk, and left it at that.
When the lonely heart breaks
It's the one that forsakes
It's the dream that we stole
And I'm missing you more
And the fire that will roar
There's a hole in my soul
For you it's goodbye
And for me it's to cry
For whom the bell tolls
Well, he did take me up on the offer, and elaborated a bit more on the text message that he'd sent to me. It turned out that he was fed up with this one person taking him for granted all the time and that there were other things that were bothering him.
We ended the call as the pair of us needed to get some sleep, but he said that he would call me later today, and let me know that he was ok...
I will admit, hearing him so down really hurt me, and not for the first time, I wished that I was closed to him (in terms of a physical distance) so I could just say "sod it" and go and see him for a while - if only to make him realise that he's not on his own, and that there is someone out here who gives a damn about him.
Time to call this quits - I'm supposed to be working, not blogging.
Back when I get clear of all the crap (I mean work) on my desk....
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
No, not at all - I can't stop crying just sitting in my car listening to my CD. Some songs **** me over tonight more than normal, due to a certain person. I'm hurting and hurting bad and it's all down to one person again. Am I such a bad person? I don't need this **** and I'm so lonely, I just want to be on my own and cry my heart out.
Sorry.
What the hell can you say to a text like that?? I sent a reply saying that I would be at the end of the 'phone if he needed to talk, and left it at that.
When the lonely heart breaks
It's the one that forsakes
It's the dream that we stole
And I'm missing you more
And the fire that will roar
There's a hole in my soul
For you it's goodbye
And for me it's to cry
For whom the bell tolls
Well, he did take me up on the offer, and elaborated a bit more on the text message that he'd sent to me. It turned out that he was fed up with this one person taking him for granted all the time and that there were other things that were bothering him.
We ended the call as the pair of us needed to get some sleep, but he said that he would call me later today, and let me know that he was ok...
I will admit, hearing him so down really hurt me, and not for the first time, I wished that I was closed to him (in terms of a physical distance) so I could just say "sod it" and go and see him for a while - if only to make him realise that he's not on his own, and that there is someone out here who gives a damn about him.
Time to call this quits - I'm supposed to be working, not blogging.
Back when I get clear of all the crap (I mean work) on my desk....
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
Trying to re-assure a friend...
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Trying to re-assure a friend that he’s not going crazy after his car accident is not an easy thing to do.
He sent me the following text:
Kaz, please talk to me.
I called him and the poor guy was nearly in tears, and said that he was scared of being in a car. He admitted that he was constantly looking in the rear-view mirror, and hated being in traffic.
It was really distressing for me to hear him so upset, and I did my best to re-assure him that he wasn’t going mad, and that it was a normal reaction given what had happened to him yesterday.
But, at the end of the day, all I can do is re-assure him, and give him whatever help and assistance I can over the 'phone, and when I see him, make him realise that he's a really special guy to me, and that I would (and will) move Heaven & Earth to help him if he needs my help.
Time to call this quits - it's about the time Mum gets home from the late shift.
Back tomorrow.
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
He sent me the following text:
Kaz, please talk to me.
I called him and the poor guy was nearly in tears, and said that he was scared of being in a car. He admitted that he was constantly looking in the rear-view mirror, and hated being in traffic.
It was really distressing for me to hear him so upset, and I did my best to re-assure him that he wasn’t going mad, and that it was a normal reaction given what had happened to him yesterday.
But, at the end of the day, all I can do is re-assure him, and give him whatever help and assistance I can over the 'phone, and when I see him, make him realise that he's a really special guy to me, and that I would (and will) move Heaven & Earth to help him if he needs my help.
Time to call this quits - it's about the time Mum gets home from the late shift.
Back tomorrow.
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
Back to the grindstone, back to the fighting
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Well, it was back to the office today, and for me, it felt like I was walking back into a war zone, as I walked smack into my ex, and straight into the mother and father of rows with him.
To be honest, it wasn't the sort of thing that I wanted to deal with, but he gave me no choice, and by the time we'd finished our "discussion" he knew exactly how I felt, and more to the point, knew that he wasn't able to try and pull rank on me any longer.
Ok - I admit that I should have retained my cool, but when someone tries to tell me what I can and can't do in my personal time, then I have this habit of fighting back, and making damned sure that the person responsible is well aware of my feelings...
Aside from that, it was a quietish day, and I will admit to being glad to get the hell away from the office at the end of the day, as it meant that no-one (apart from the cats) could make my life hell.
Guess I should call this entry quits, as Ponto is glaring at me, and I get this horrible impression that he's going to launch an attack at my ankles if I don't call it quits on the computer...
Back tomorrow, if I get the chance.
Karen
Learning to fly, but I don't have wings
On the verge of tears...
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Well, today's one of those days that I could have really done without coming into work. My emotions are all over the place, and I just about know which way is up.
It wouldn't be so bad, but it's one of those situations that means I'm trying to hide how I'm feeling from my colleagues, and I'm having a tough time avoiding questions as to why I'm so quiet - normally, I'm laughing, joking and taking the piss as much as I possibly can... I guess the way I feel can be summed up by the Bryan Adams song - On a day like today:
Is there anybody out there?
Anyone that's loved in vain
Anyone that feels the same
Is there anybody waiting?
Waiting for a chance to win
To give it up and start again
We all need something new
Something that is true
And someone else to feel it too
I feel so high - no one else would know it
I don't know why I feel the way I do
I can't let go - and I'm not scared to show it
'Cuz being here feels right
Tell me - how do you feel tonight?
Is there anybody out there?
Anyone that can't explain
Anyone that feels no pain
Is there anybody dreaming
Dreaming of a better day
When everything goes your way
We all need something new
Something that is true
And someone else to feel it too
Someone just like you
But, at the moment, all I can do is wait to talk to the person who means the most to me, and knows just how to make me laugh, and brighten my mood...
Guess I should call this entry quits - I'm supposed to be working, but to be honest, I'm really not in the right frame of mind to do anything - apart from look for a dark corner to curl up in, and try to regain some kind of emotional control....
Back later - if I'm in the right frame of mind.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
It wouldn't be so bad, but it's one of those situations that means I'm trying to hide how I'm feeling from my colleagues, and I'm having a tough time avoiding questions as to why I'm so quiet - normally, I'm laughing, joking and taking the piss as much as I possibly can... I guess the way I feel can be summed up by the Bryan Adams song - On a day like today:
Is there anybody out there?
Anyone that's loved in vain
Anyone that feels the same
Is there anybody waiting?
Waiting for a chance to win
To give it up and start again
We all need something new
Something that is true
And someone else to feel it too
I feel so high - no one else would know it
I don't know why I feel the way I do
I can't let go - and I'm not scared to show it
'Cuz being here feels right
Tell me - how do you feel tonight?
Is there anybody out there?
Anyone that can't explain
Anyone that feels no pain
Is there anybody dreaming
Dreaming of a better day
When everything goes your way
We all need something new
Something that is true
And someone else to feel it too
Someone just like you
But, at the moment, all I can do is wait to talk to the person who means the most to me, and knows just how to make me laugh, and brighten my mood...
Guess I should call this entry quits - I'm supposed to be working, but to be honest, I'm really not in the right frame of mind to do anything - apart from look for a dark corner to curl up in, and try to regain some kind of emotional control....
Back later - if I'm in the right frame of mind.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Opening the floodgates..
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Well, today has been a real eye opener in more than one way.
I met my daft friend at Gaydon, and he seemed somewhat subdued, and I will admit to being somewhat apprehensive about spending the day with him, as he seemed... Distant somehow - almost as if his mind was on something else...
The exhibits didn't seem as good as I remember them being, but I did enjoy looking at them, and seeing cars that I remember thinking were the height of sophistication (before I learnt to drive, I might add!)
After we'd been around the museum, we headed for a near-by pub, and sat chatting, and again, I felt that there was something that was troubling my friend, but me being me, I was unwilling to press the issue, as I felt that if he wanted to tell me what was bothering him so much, then he would talk to me...
As neither of us fancied what was on the menu, I decided to head to the Blue Lias - and found that it was closed, so resorted to my second choice - the Buck and Bell - I was hoping that it was as good as I heard, and thankfully, it was!
And that was when things started to kick off. As we sat having dinner (I admit, I had very little appetite, as I really worried that something was going to kick off - one of these days I'll learn to listen to my instincts), my friend held my hand, and said that I looked like a frightened rabbit!
Ok - I've been likened to many things in my life, but never a frightened rabbit! We finished our food, and that was when he started to open the floodgates.
I met my daft friend at Gaydon, and he seemed somewhat subdued, and I will admit to being somewhat apprehensive about spending the day with him, as he seemed... Distant somehow - almost as if his mind was on something else...
The exhibits didn't seem as good as I remember them being, but I did enjoy looking at them, and seeing cars that I remember thinking were the height of sophistication (before I learnt to drive, I might add!)
After we'd been around the museum, we headed for a near-by pub, and sat chatting, and again, I felt that there was something that was troubling my friend, but me being me, I was unwilling to press the issue, as I felt that if he wanted to tell me what was bothering him so much, then he would talk to me...
As neither of us fancied what was on the menu, I decided to head to the Blue Lias - and found that it was closed, so resorted to my second choice - the Buck and Bell - I was hoping that it was as good as I heard, and thankfully, it was!
And that was when things started to kick off. As we sat having dinner (I admit, I had very little appetite, as I really worried that something was going to kick off - one of these days I'll learn to listen to my instincts), my friend held my hand, and said that I looked like a frightened rabbit!
Ok - I've been likened to many things in my life, but never a frightened rabbit! We finished our food, and that was when he started to open the floodgates.
Rather than drag it all out in a place that neither of us felt comfortable in, we opted to leave and find somewhere we could talk...
Talk about setting the floodgates to maximum flow. My friend poured his heart out to me, and seemed terrified that I was going to explode at him, and refuse to have anything more to do with him.
That was the last thing that I was going to do to someone who was as emotionally vulnerable as that - so vulnerable in fact, that he cried his heart out on my shoulder. All I could do was hold him, and re-assure him that no matter what happened, I was always going to be there for him - come hell or high water - there was no way I was going to abandon him.
Time to call this quits - I need to get some sleep tonight if I can - as I don't mind admitting that my mind is whirling around faster that hurricane Catrina!
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Walking away - for the time being....
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Well, it’s hit the fan. What am I talking about? My relationship.
We’ve decided to call it quits - ok – I’ll re-phrase that – I said I wanted out, in order to get my head together, and allow myself time to realise what the hell I do want from my life.
Ok – maybe I should have done this the end of June, instead of rushing straight into another relationship, but at the time, it seemed like the best thing for me.
I admit that I’m not exactly the easiest person in the world to get on with, as I can be a terrible flirt, but there are times when I felt suffocated, and that was the last thing I needed to feel.
To make matters worse, I’m still having to work with my ex, but I’ll give him his due, he’s been totally professional when he’s been dealing with me, and has given no indication that we’ve (ok – I’ve) called time on our relationship.
Admittedly, it hurts like hell seeing the pain in his eyes, but until I know what the hell I do want, I’m no damned good to myself or anyone-else for that matter.
Time to call this quits – opening up like this is really stirring things that should be left well alone….
Back when I can get some semblance of order to my train of thought….
Karen
I walk where others fear to tread
We’ve decided to call it quits - ok – I’ll re-phrase that – I said I wanted out, in order to get my head together, and allow myself time to realise what the hell I do want from my life.
Ok – maybe I should have done this the end of June, instead of rushing straight into another relationship, but at the time, it seemed like the best thing for me.
I admit that I’m not exactly the easiest person in the world to get on with, as I can be a terrible flirt, but there are times when I felt suffocated, and that was the last thing I needed to feel.
To make matters worse, I’m still having to work with my ex, but I’ll give him his due, he’s been totally professional when he’s been dealing with me, and has given no indication that we’ve (ok – I’ve) called time on our relationship.
Admittedly, it hurts like hell seeing the pain in his eyes, but until I know what the hell I do want, I’m no damned good to myself or anyone-else for that matter.
Time to call this quits – opening up like this is really stirring things that should be left well alone….
Back when I can get some semblance of order to my train of thought….
Karen
I walk where others fear to tread
Pushing the boundaries again....
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Well, it looks like things might be coming to a head. I knew that my partner wasn’t particularly happy about me going to Dublin, but the mere fact that I’ve had the guts to take him on, over his niggling at me has really made things worse between us.
What is it about me? I seem to attract the control freaks, and at this moment in time, I’ve got enough on my plate without adding him into the mix.
Don’t get me wrong, I love him, but at this moment in time, I’m not sure what the hell I do want, but I know that I need to take my time, and not rush into anything, as it could come back to haunt me rather spectacularly, especially as we have to work with each other…
But, there is one bright spot on my horizon… My daft hog riding friend has been in contact with me again, and has started to make plans to meet up with me the end of this month at the Heritage Motor centre at Gaydon.
So, no matter what happens between me and my partner, at least I’ve got that to look forward to, as I have to admit, I really do enjoy his company.
Ah well, time to call this quits – I’m going to head for home – and it’s amazing how bad my mobile reception’s going to be! *Grin*
Back tomorrow.
Karen
I walk where others fear to tread
What is it about me? I seem to attract the control freaks, and at this moment in time, I’ve got enough on my plate without adding him into the mix.
Don’t get me wrong, I love him, but at this moment in time, I’m not sure what the hell I do want, but I know that I need to take my time, and not rush into anything, as it could come back to haunt me rather spectacularly, especially as we have to work with each other…
But, there is one bright spot on my horizon… My daft hog riding friend has been in contact with me again, and has started to make plans to meet up with me the end of this month at the Heritage Motor centre at Gaydon.
So, no matter what happens between me and my partner, at least I’ve got that to look forward to, as I have to admit, I really do enjoy his company.
Ah well, time to call this quits – I’m going to head for home – and it’s amazing how bad my mobile reception’s going to be! *Grin*
Back tomorrow.
Karen
I walk where others fear to tread
Ever felt like...
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Wringing someone's neck, because all they've done is take the mickey? Well that's how I'm feeling at this moment in time. And the person responsible knows damned well that they are skating on very thin ice with me at the moment.
The person, to whom I’m referring, is my partner. He’s making the most of the fact that I’m still knackered from my trip to Dublin, and has been joking about me not being with it.
All he’s doing at the moment is really putting my back up, and I’m getting to the stage where I’m going to tell him exactly what I think of him at the moment, and it won’t be pleasant – for him anyway
Time to call this quits – I’m going to sort this out once and for all.
Back later – if my temper has cooled off.
Karen
I walk where others fear to tread
The person, to whom I’m referring, is my partner. He’s making the most of the fact that I’m still knackered from my trip to Dublin, and has been joking about me not being with it.
All he’s doing at the moment is really putting my back up, and I’m getting to the stage where I’m going to tell him exactly what I think of him at the moment, and it won’t be pleasant – for him anyway
Time to call this quits – I’m going to sort this out once and for all.
Back later – if my temper has cooled off.
Karen
I walk where others fear to tread
Back from Dublin... What a weekend!!!
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Ok - I know one thing - the Irish can party alright, and I was debating whether I'd bitten off more than I could chew!
The flight out from Birmingham wasn't too bad, and I'll say one thing for Ryan Air - the service was basic, but the flight was reasonably comfortable.
But the powers that be were not looking after me, as the damned bus broke down! That was a minor inconvenience, and I soon found myself walking to my hotel.. It didn't look very impressive from the outside, but the room itself had the things that I considered essential - an en-suite bathroom (with a bloody good shower) and a comfortable bed!
Once unpacked, it was then off into the city centre to meet up with White Wolf and his friend, and hit the first bar that we found... I can't remember the name of the bar / pub, but it wasn't far from Temple Bar, and that was where I had my first pint of Guinness... Which was quite tasty!
The evening went quite fast, and I soon realised that Guinness hits me a damned sight harder than I realised, and sits in your stomach like a three course meal! So that was the Friday night....
Saturday, the gang spent exploring Dublin, and went to the Guinness storehouse - a must see for anyone going to Dublin, I was told. (see http://www.guinness-storehouse.com/home/home.asp )Ok - that's fine, but if you're like me, and suffer vertigo, it's not funny. Simply because the viewing tower has a glass floor... Ok - the views over Dublin are spectacular (you can see the Landsdown Road rugby ground from there) but it frightened the proverbial **** out of me!
Saturday night, we met up with the gang again, and unlike the Brits, the Irish start their partying late, and finish later than the Brits... We ended up in the Porter House, listening to live music, with a bloody good band, and good beer to top it off! The thing that made me laugh, was when the lot of us piled into the pizza restaurant opposite, at 03:30, as we were all starving!
Sunday, however, the city appeared to close down, so it was a chance to just chill out (and try to recover from my hangover - yes - I did suffer!) But luckily for me, Dublin has loads of coffee shops that are open on a Sunday, so I was able to sit and chat with White Wolf, who was returning to Cork that afternoon... I wasn't worried about that, as I was meeting up with a friend who lived just outside Dublin...
The Sunday night was just as much fun as Saturday night - if a little quieter... We ended up going to some little music club, where the Guinness was very good, and the music was loud... Needless to say, it was another late night for me, or should that be an early morning? I finally got to bed about 04:00 on Monday morning, and was thanking my lucky stars that I wasn't flying back to the UK until the evening, thus giving me chance to get some sleep!
Monday was spent doing the last minute shopping for various gifts and silly things, including me buying a T-shirt with a picture of a pint of Guinness on it, and the words the leprechauns made me drink it.
But the real surprise came when I got to the airport. Ok - checking in was painless, as all my documents were present and correct.. It was security that gave me the most 'fun'. Simply because I had to take my knee length leather boots off, and put them through the x-ray machine, and pad through the metal detector in my revolting socks! Ok - that probably gave security a bloody good laugh, but it didn't really endear itself to me...
I should have taken that as an omen of the things that were still to come. There were flights being diverted into Dublin, due to adverse weather conditions all over Ireland, and the rain was driving across the airfield, which meant that I looked like a drowned rat running to the aircraft. (No buses when you're flying no frills!)
Once on the aircraft, I had the same seat as I'd had flying out - right by the emergency exit over the wing - which meant that I had more leg room than the other seats. That was ok, until we started to take off, and I felt the wind buffeting the aircraft, and felt the pilot fighting the aircraft as we got hit by a sudden gust of wind, which caused the leading edge of the right-hand (starboard) wing to drop to about 2ft off the runway...
The passenger beside me had his rosary beads out, and was murmuring a variety of prayers, where as all I could do was sit there and hope that whatever had looked after me in the past was still with me!
Once back on the ground, I've got to admit, I've never been so glad to see Birmingham airport, as that meant that I was nearly home, and could relax, as the flight had frightened me more than I was willing to admit to people. Don't get me wrong - I'm not scared of flying - far from it - it's just that there are some times when you wonder if you've done the right thing, getting on a given plane at a given time!
But, on the positive side, all this trip has done, is made me more determined to go back to Dublin, and possibly get a hire car, so that I can explore more of the countryside surrounding the city.
Suppose I should call this entry quits - I'm supposed to be working.. Well, that's the theory, anyway!
The flight out from Birmingham wasn't too bad, and I'll say one thing for Ryan Air - the service was basic, but the flight was reasonably comfortable.
Once I'd arrived in Dublin, I realised just how thankful I was for my heavy cord jacket, as the wind was whipping across the airfield at Dublin International airport... Then, it was off to get into the city centre. The bus was the cheapest way to get to the centre of Dublin..
But the powers that be were not looking after me, as the damned bus broke down! That was a minor inconvenience, and I soon found myself walking to my hotel.. It didn't look very impressive from the outside, but the room itself had the things that I considered essential - an en-suite bathroom (with a bloody good shower) and a comfortable bed!
Once unpacked, it was then off into the city centre to meet up with White Wolf and his friend, and hit the first bar that we found... I can't remember the name of the bar / pub, but it wasn't far from Temple Bar, and that was where I had my first pint of Guinness... Which was quite tasty!
The evening went quite fast, and I soon realised that Guinness hits me a damned sight harder than I realised, and sits in your stomach like a three course meal! So that was the Friday night....
Saturday, the gang spent exploring Dublin, and went to the Guinness storehouse - a must see for anyone going to Dublin, I was told. (see http://www.guinness-storehouse.com/home/home.asp )Ok - that's fine, but if you're like me, and suffer vertigo, it's not funny. Simply because the viewing tower has a glass floor... Ok - the views over Dublin are spectacular (you can see the Landsdown Road rugby ground from there) but it frightened the proverbial **** out of me!
Saturday night, we met up with the gang again, and unlike the Brits, the Irish start their partying late, and finish later than the Brits... We ended up in the Porter House, listening to live music, with a bloody good band, and good beer to top it off! The thing that made me laugh, was when the lot of us piled into the pizza restaurant opposite, at 03:30, as we were all starving!
Sunday, however, the city appeared to close down, so it was a chance to just chill out (and try to recover from my hangover - yes - I did suffer!) But luckily for me, Dublin has loads of coffee shops that are open on a Sunday, so I was able to sit and chat with White Wolf, who was returning to Cork that afternoon... I wasn't worried about that, as I was meeting up with a friend who lived just outside Dublin...
The Sunday night was just as much fun as Saturday night - if a little quieter... We ended up going to some little music club, where the Guinness was very good, and the music was loud... Needless to say, it was another late night for me, or should that be an early morning? I finally got to bed about 04:00 on Monday morning, and was thanking my lucky stars that I wasn't flying back to the UK until the evening, thus giving me chance to get some sleep!
Monday was spent doing the last minute shopping for various gifts and silly things, including me buying a T-shirt with a picture of a pint of Guinness on it, and the words the leprechauns made me drink it.
But the real surprise came when I got to the airport. Ok - checking in was painless, as all my documents were present and correct.. It was security that gave me the most 'fun'. Simply because I had to take my knee length leather boots off, and put them through the x-ray machine, and pad through the metal detector in my revolting socks! Ok - that probably gave security a bloody good laugh, but it didn't really endear itself to me...
I should have taken that as an omen of the things that were still to come. There were flights being diverted into Dublin, due to adverse weather conditions all over Ireland, and the rain was driving across the airfield, which meant that I looked like a drowned rat running to the aircraft. (No buses when you're flying no frills!)
Once on the aircraft, I had the same seat as I'd had flying out - right by the emergency exit over the wing - which meant that I had more leg room than the other seats. That was ok, until we started to take off, and I felt the wind buffeting the aircraft, and felt the pilot fighting the aircraft as we got hit by a sudden gust of wind, which caused the leading edge of the right-hand (starboard) wing to drop to about 2ft off the runway...
The passenger beside me had his rosary beads out, and was murmuring a variety of prayers, where as all I could do was sit there and hope that whatever had looked after me in the past was still with me!
Once back on the ground, I've got to admit, I've never been so glad to see Birmingham airport, as that meant that I was nearly home, and could relax, as the flight had frightened me more than I was willing to admit to people. Don't get me wrong - I'm not scared of flying - far from it - it's just that there are some times when you wonder if you've done the right thing, getting on a given plane at a given time!
But, on the positive side, all this trip has done, is made me more determined to go back to Dublin, and possibly get a hire car, so that I can explore more of the countryside surrounding the city.
Suppose I should call this entry quits - I'm supposed to be working.. Well, that's the theory, anyway!
Back when I get the chance...
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Getting in the holiday mood
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It's my last day in the office, and I am so glad. I've had enough crap thrown at me this week to last me a blasted month, and all because of one account.
On the positive side, I've been able to spend quite a bit of time with my partner, who has been a real angel. As my shoulder has been giving me an awful lot of trouble, he went to Holland & Barratt (a local health-food / alternative remedy shop), and bought a bottle of Comfrey oil, which he has been kind enough to massage into the shoulder.
But, I will admit to the fact that I'll miss him whilst I'm away, as we spend most evenings talking on the 'phone if we're not together.
Despite this, I'm really looking forward to my holiday, as I've never been to Gibraltar before.. And I've had my share of the rude comments leveled at me by colleagues in the OTR department - most of them being along these lines..
"You going to see your relatives then?"
"I've got relatives buried on Gibraltar, but none living that I know of...."
"I was talking about the monkeys"
Thanks. Nice to know that I'm being likened to a monkey now! And yes - I am aware of the correct name - the "monkeys" are actually Barbary Apes.
Suppose I should think about doing some w*rk, but I am really suffering from a bad case of TNFI......
Back later, if I get the chance.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
On the positive side, I've been able to spend quite a bit of time with my partner, who has been a real angel. As my shoulder has been giving me an awful lot of trouble, he went to Holland & Barratt (a local health-food / alternative remedy shop), and bought a bottle of Comfrey oil, which he has been kind enough to massage into the shoulder.
But, I will admit to the fact that I'll miss him whilst I'm away, as we spend most evenings talking on the 'phone if we're not together.
Despite this, I'm really looking forward to my holiday, as I've never been to Gibraltar before.. And I've had my share of the rude comments leveled at me by colleagues in the OTR department - most of them being along these lines..
"You going to see your relatives then?"
"I've got relatives buried on Gibraltar, but none living that I know of...."
"I was talking about the monkeys"
Thanks. Nice to know that I'm being likened to a monkey now! And yes - I am aware of the correct name - the "monkeys" are actually Barbary Apes.
Suppose I should think about doing some w*rk, but I am really suffering from a bad case of TNFI......
Back later, if I get the chance.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
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