Tuesday

Thought for the day

Monday...

Sometimes, I get something that just has me howling with laughter, and this was one of them:

This sums me up

Within the sound of silence

Is how I am feeling at the moment. My partner is stressed out of his head due to the situation that he has found himself in, and has retreated into his shell, leaving me very hurt, confused and more than a little upset.

I understand the reasons for him going quiet – he maintains that it’s better to keep quiet than say something that he may come to regret later.  But this doesn’t make me feel any better, as I am feeling incredibly vulnerable at the moment.

Simply because I feel powerless to help him, and seeing (and hearing) him so down really hurts me, and I know that there is nothing I can do to help him, other than provide a shoulder for him to lean on and a refuge for when things get rough.

So, until he manages to get things straight in his own head, all I can do is keep on providing the love and support that he needs, and pray that things get better for him (and us) soon.

Guess I should call this quits – I do need to try and get some sleep tonight, as I am at work tomorrow, not that my heart is in it…..

Karen

I tell myself
Hey only fools rush in and only time will tell
If we stand the test of time
All I know
You've got to run to win and 
I'll be damned if
I'll get hung up on the line

A new beginning....

I've been really lucky and been seeing a really sweet guy, and things are going OK.  Not perfect (what relationship is?) but we seem to be getting along OK.

He's been through hell with an ex partner (he was asked to help her get clean - drink related I hasten to add) by her daughter, and he agreed – and this is the tale so far…. 

We were planning on meeting up at the beginning of June, and I got a text from him about two weeks before we were due to meet up, saying that he would have to cancel, as he didn't think things were stable enough with this woman for him to leave her to her own devices.  

OK - I  admit that I was less than impressed, but didn't think too much of it, as I knew he was trying to help her through rehab and make sure that she stayed on the wagon.

That seemed to be going OK; as she was 60 days without a drink he thought that there was light at the end of the tunnel. There was - some b'stard with a flame thrower.  

He got a call from her whilst he was at work, and shot out of his office as he thought her life was in danger (she'd tried to commit suicide several times before).  I didn’t hear from him for a while and thought “Rats to you.  I’m obviously not good enough for you to talk to”.

I then get a text from him a couple of days later, and wasn’t too impressed – I thought it was a bit rich considering he’d not contacted me for a while.  

Then he told me the reason – he’d been arrested and charged with criminal damage for trying to get into the house to make sure that she was OK and hadn’t tried to take an overdose, and as a result of trying to help her, he spent 2 ½ days in there with no way to contact anyone

Needless to say I was stunned with that, and we got talking again and we agreed to reinstate the plans to meet up the beginning of June.  We kept in touch via text and phone (lost count of the time that we spent talking) and he finally plucked the courage to ask me out, so that meant that when we met up it would be a first date. 

I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone – and I was more than happy to be with him, as he was so sweet to be with – showing real concern when my knee cracked and caused me to squeak (and occasionally curse) and making me feel like a princess, as well as making me giggle and feel incredibly relaxed.

He was honest with me about the circumstances he found himself in (his ex had taken him to the cleaners) and that he was facing this charge despite the fact that he thought her life had been in danger.  He kept saying that he shouldn’t have gotten involved and seemed to take small comfort when I pointed out that hindsight was 20/20 vision. 

He admitted that he was worried about this court case, as his ex had made a statement alleging some rather nasty treatment of her and her youngest son, and was worried that I would walk out on him as he felt that her job would go against him in court, and that he wouldn’t be believed when he tried to tell the court what actually happened.

I will admit I did have doubts (not helped by someone who claimed to be a friend (or in this case fiend)) and when I went away on holiday, I will admit to spending quite a bit of time on my knees in prayer in the cathedral asking for help for the man that I love.

When I got back, I will admit it was a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I was only too glad to see him again.  Yes, we still had the court case hanging over our relationship, but there was no way that I was going to walk away from someone who was making me so happy.

The day of the court case came, and I had made arrangements to meet up with my partner, as he didn’t want to be in the area after the case, and said that if I’d not heard from him by 17:00, then it had gone badly wrong.

I left the office at 16:00, and driving to where we were staying overnight, I ended up having to turn off the touchscreen, as I kept looking at the clock and was getting more and more worried the closer the time got to 17:00 – with no contact.

Murphy’s Law states that if it can go wrong, it does, and in this case, it was my mobile network that gave me the problems.  Because I was travelling the back route to our overnight location, my phone signal was somewhat intermittent, meaning that my dratted phone rang once and then cut out.

I managed to stop and see who had called me – it was my partner.  So, as I have Bluetooth on the car, I tried to call him back – and the damn network either wouldn’t connect, or would drop the call - before I manage to speak to him.  When I did manage to get the call to connect, his line was engaged, and his voice mail didn’t kick in, meaning that I was left fearing the worst.

I got a text just after I arrived at our accommodation asking me to call him.  I will admit that I feared the worst and called him back.  Only to nearly drop my phone when I heard him say that he was not guilty – it was the verdict that everyone had been telling him to expect, but the statement that his ex and her son had made could have made life so difficult for him.

I will admit that I was shaking by the time I got to the room, and was only too happy when my partner finally arrived. We decamped to the pub, and he told me what happened in court.  I won’t elaborate on what happened, but all I will say is that the solicitor was worth his weight in platinum (or printer ink – that’s far more expensive!)

I won’t say that it was the most restful night’s sleep I’ve had – (and no – it wasn’t for those reasons) but more because it was damned hot and my partner was somewhat wound up from the court case (with good reason!)

So, we muddled along and we had a weekend away booked for Worcester (Henwick House). It was really good – the scenery was delightful, and the memory that sticks with me from that was watching a pair of green woodpeckers on the grass about 20 feet away from our bedroom window and also watching the rabbits frolic on the grass at the top end of the garden.

The local pub - The Blue Bell  was really good.  The beer was a good price, and the food?  Well put it like this.  There were no complaints from either my partner (who is a foodie by his own admission) or myself.

On the Friday night, we opted to have the pie of the day – which was Steak and Ale.  I opted for mash and mushy peas, where as my partner opted for mash and ordinary peas (he’s not a mushy pea fan apparently!)

Put it this way.  The pie was more filling than pastry (a really nice surprise) and very tasty. 

Image from the Blue Bell website

We headed into Worcester on Saturday.  Neither of us realised that there was a food festival on, and we decided a look around once we’d been to the Royal Worcester porcelain museum and the Cathedral.

I won’t say that it was massive – busy, yes.  And expensive.  I seem to recall one stand charging something like £9 for a burger, where other stands were charging £3.  I still smile when I think of the comment of one local woman “what makes them think that people are going to pay that for a burger?  What’s it got in it?  Gold flakes?”  But there were plenty of people buying the burgers!

The only downside to Worcester as a destination is the parking.  It’s expensive.  And for some reason (known only to the county council) they have stopped the park and ride.  

Meaning that you have to struggle to get parked in one of the multi-storey car parks, and pay a stupid amount for the privilege of being crammed into a tiny parking space and stuck in traffic. 

Now I don’t have anything against public transport, but coming in from a rural location (Callow End), the public transport leaves a lot to be desired.  So the only option for visitors like us was to drive into the centre. 

Aside from that grump, my other grump is about Great Malvern.  Now you say Malvern to most people, and they instantly think Morgan cars (OK – I do), little tourist places and lots of little antique shops to peruse.

Now I won’t say that the scenery isn’t spectacular – it is.  What was disappointing was the lack of places to visit on a Sunday.  Now had I been there in the depths of winter (end January) I would have expected it to be all closed up.  But the end of July?  Something (or someone) is seriously missing a trick.

There were plenty of people walking about, and vey few things for them to do.  OK – we visited the Malvern museum, which is located in the abbey gate house:

We also visited the beautiful Malvern Priory:

Put it this way - if this is a Priory, then some cathedrals need to start worrying.

Ah well, guess I should call it quits, I do need to get some sleep...

Karen

Hold on, there's a new way a-coming
Looks like it's arriving tonight
There's no more hiding or running
There's no more walking on ice

Breaking up hurts - literally.

An odd title, I will admit, but it’s an apt description of the way that I am feeling (or not feeling) at this moment in time.

I’ve split with my partner, and it came about in probably one of the worst locations possible – as in 200+ miles from home and no way of getting back home other than travelling with my ex.

It happened Sunday night, and I admit that I should have seen this coming.  We’d been arguing on and off for about 3 months and I thought that I could get past this “little” hurdle and move our relationship on. That was a vain hope on my part.

The bank holiday weekend didn’t get off to a good start when I ended up working on the Friday morning (not my idea I hasten to add – I was asked to by my boss) and like an idiot, I agreed. So that started things off on a sour note for us.  I was slightly late leaving the office as I was trying to finish my work off (usual month end stuff) and my soon to be ex partner kept texting me to ask if I had left yet.

When I finally finished, I got to the car and called him as I was leaving the car park (I’ve got hands free Bluetooth on the car) and told him that I would be with him soon.  Thankfully, I’d already packed my bag and it was just a case of parking my car and getting on the road north.

We agreed to eat lunch en-route, as it was also a chance for us to talk on “neutral” territory and try to sort out the issued that were niggling the pair of us.  Should have guessed that wasn’t going to be something that would work – especially not the way I was feeling.

Needless to say it wasn’t a particularly pleasant journey for me, and I admit I was only too happy to get to the hotel so that I could get a little peace and quiet.  Nope – not happening.  He seemed determined to micro analyse our relationship.

Now I’m all in favour of an open and honest discussion on things – but as far as I was concerned, this was certainly not the right time or place to do such a thing.  Mainly because I was tired (I’d been stressed at work) and I was unable to walk away and cool my temper off as we were in a strange (OK strange to me) location.

So that started another row, and I admit that I was sorely tempted to sleep on the sofa in the room.  In hindsight, I wish I had.

Saturday came, and it started really well – and we met up with the family – the primary reason for going away.  They were really nice and friendly and made me feel really welcome.  But I have to admit that there was tension in the air – mainly between my ex and myself.  I felt that I was having to be something I am not – ladylike.

Now getting me to wear a dress (willingly) doesn’t happen very often.  In fact, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I have done so.  And Saturday night was one of them.  Why I couldn’t wear trousers and a pretty top, I don’t know, but my ex was adamant that I was to wear a dress. 

God alone knows why – his sisters in law wore trousers, and only his mum wore a dress.  So that made me feel really uncomfortable.  I won’t say that the family wasn’t nice – they really were super and seemed to go out of their way to make me feel a part of the family.

Even though there were comments about my ex having “a southern bird” for a partner.  Now there is nothing I dislike more than being called a “bird” – and picking on me because I was born in the south of England was an added insult.  

I’ve spent longer out of the south than I ever did living there, but to them, I was still a soft southerner. Or at least I was until I pointed out that anything south of Sunderland was southern to them.

Sunday was a bit of an odd day – I met up with an old friend from my uni days, and we sat talking about what had happened since then.  It was a good natter and lunch – and even my ex was quite animated, and sharing the jokes with us.  I didn’t think anything of the way my friend was with me - he was his usual self – if it was female and reasonably pretty, he flirted -the way he always did.

That was something that irritated my ex – he accused me of flirting with my friend.  Ignoring the fact that my friend’s wife was sitting beside him at lunch, and he'd also been sharing the jokes with us.

Sunday night was when things really became interesting.  My ex decided he wanted to talk, and that was fine with me...

Until it became a lecture on the things that he had found fault with over the weekend.  That was the final straw, and I exploded, resulting in something that I haven’t done for years. I lashed out physically, and if he hadn't moved, I would have hit him. 

I hit the wall, and then stomped out of the room - not stopping to grab watch, phone or anything other than the room key.

When I had finally cooled down, I walked back via reception, and had the humiliating experience of having to ask if they could get me some extra bed linen so that I could sleep on the sofa bed.

So Monday’s trip back home was hell on earth.  I had a text from a good friend asking if I was OK, and that was when the floodgates opened via text.  I admitted that I was heading for home, and that my relationship was over.

I got home in one piece physically (but in pieces emotionally), and spend time with my family, and when I went to bed, I just couldn’t get warm. 

The heating was on in the house, my room was lovely and warm, and I had an extra blanket on over my duvet, but I was cold.  I guess it was a kind of emotional shock, and all I can say is that I owe my friend a debt of gratitude that I doubt I will ever be able to repay.

Karen

To run away from you

Was all that I could do.

To run away from you

Was all that I could do.

The lurgy has struck... Again.

I feel bloody awful, and it feels like someone has decided to set my lungs on fire.  Yes, it's the dreaded lurgy.

It's been doing the rounds of the office, and people are dropping like flies, meaning that those of us that are daft enough to come in are having to do our own work as well as picking up the work that our colleagues.

So, as I sit here at my computer, I feel like crap.  It's starting to hurt to breathe, and I'm wondering if I should call the vet (OK - my GP practice) tomorrow morning to see if I need to start the antibiotics / oral steroids that I keep as part of  my asthma emergency kit.  I don't want to start taking the antibiotics if I really don't need to take them.

Guess I should call this quits - I've got to drink the blasted hot blackcurrant.  I wouldn't mind, but it's foul!

Karen

You look at me and you weep
For the free blue skies
I look to the stars
As they flicker and float in your eyes
And under these wings of steel
The small town dies

That which does not kill us makes us stronger

In theory.  Instead, it just turns people into human pancakes, or gibbering wrecks.

Why do people insist on sending stupid emails asking for a response when you have already said that you are up to your eyeballs in work (and in some cases, breathing through a snorkel and are just awaiting the arrival of the proverbial seagull)?  All this does is stress people out even further, and adds to an already over the top workload.

It wouldn't be so bad, but I'm getting to the stage where I am going to go bang - and not in a good way.  I'm tired, frustrated and ready to tell someone where to go and shove themselves.  And it's all because someone cannot leave me alone to get on with my work, and insists on updates for every little thing that I am doing.

Ok - not an issue - but this has to be done in writing.  Meaning that I have to take time away from the stuff that I am *supposed* to be trying to sort out, and so putting myself even further behind schedule, and this results in even more grief from people who have asked me to carry out the tasks in the first damned place.

The worst part is, my personal life is suffering, as I am being told by people who mean a heck of a lot to me that I have cut communication with them.  I have - but it's primarily because I am all stressed out, and really do not want to inflict my bad temper on people who do not deserve me going berserk at them.

All I want to do is get back to the way I was this time last year - happy, and relatively stress free, instead of being stressed out of my proverbial head all the damned time.

Time to call this quits - I need to crawl into my pit with the kindle.

Don't know when I'll be back - depends on how stressed out I get.

Karen

You look at me and you weep
For the free blue skies
I look to the stars
As they flicker and float in your eyes
And under these wings of steel
The small town dies