Well, I seem to be getting back to some semblance of normality, but I admit that I'm still incredibly fragile.
All it takes is for someone to look sideway at me, and I'm in tears. Thankfully, there's been someone who's been a real tower of strength for me,and has gone out of his way to make sure that I'm ok, and has made sure that I'm being left alone when I need peace and quiet at work.
Outside of work, he's been great fun, and has spoilt me rotten - including taking me to see Star Wars Episode III - Revenge of the Sith, followed by dinner!
And no - it's not my ex. This is the fella that I got to know whilst I was away, and our friendship has just gotten stronger because he's been a real rock for me to lean on/ fall apart on, and it looks like things may progress.
Obviously, I'm not going to say anymore than that, as the last thing I want to do is put the mockers on something that's making me so happy, so please bear with me.
Guess I should call it quits - I'm supposed to be working, not blogging!
Back when I get chance.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Into the fire
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It’s over.
I don’t know what I’ll be doing abut Tuesday night – I get the feeling that I won’t be in a fit state to see anyone for quite a while.
I can’t type any more – I can barely see the keyboard for my tears.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
I don’t know what I’ll be doing abut Tuesday night – I get the feeling that I won’t be in a fit state to see anyone for quite a while.
I can’t type any more – I can barely see the keyboard for my tears.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Back from the hills…
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Karen
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And the trouble is, I’m almost sure of what my decision will be. I want to call it quits with my partner.
I know this sounds horrible, and that I’ll be judged on the fact that this has come about since I met someone last week, but if the truth be known, I’ve been thinking about calling it quits for a while, but never had the guts to do so.
I know that he’s going to be hurt, and will want answers, but the trouble is, the root cause of our trouble lies with the fact that we’re really too different for things to work.
He wants someone who’s the “stay at home and only go out with him” whereas I’m the one who enjoys spending time with friends, and spending a weekend with Flame and my friends in the Peak District, or the Cotswolds – depending on the mood that takes us all.
But how the hell do you put that into words? There are few occasions that I’m lost for words, as those people who know me can vouch for, but this is one of them.
Now all I’ve got to do is pick the time to tell him that I want out. I know there’s no such thing as a good time to tell someone that a relationship is over, but the longer I leave it, the more he’s likely to harbour hopes of us getting back together.
Damn. My ‘phone’s ringing.
Back later.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
I know this sounds horrible, and that I’ll be judged on the fact that this has come about since I met someone last week, but if the truth be known, I’ve been thinking about calling it quits for a while, but never had the guts to do so.
I know that he’s going to be hurt, and will want answers, but the trouble is, the root cause of our trouble lies with the fact that we’re really too different for things to work.
He wants someone who’s the “stay at home and only go out with him” whereas I’m the one who enjoys spending time with friends, and spending a weekend with Flame and my friends in the Peak District, or the Cotswolds – depending on the mood that takes us all.
But how the hell do you put that into words? There are few occasions that I’m lost for words, as those people who know me can vouch for, but this is one of them.
Now all I’ve got to do is pick the time to tell him that I want out. I know there’s no such thing as a good time to tell someone that a relationship is over, but the longer I leave it, the more he’s likely to harbour hopes of us getting back together.
Damn. My ‘phone’s ringing.
Back later.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Back to base…
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Karen
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Well, I’m back in the office after being away for four days on the training course…
Ok – I’ve learnt a hell of a lot, and hopefully will be able to give the guys in the field the back-up they deserve. But, being away has really caused me problems with my personal life…
It boils down to the fact that I became close to someone whilst I was away, and this person has been making me laugh, and treating me like I was a real princess.
I know that being away from my normal environment may well have slapped the rose-tinted glasses on, but all it has done is make me wonder if I’m doing the right thing.
Simply because after I posted the last entry before I went away, my partner and I had a real hum-dinger of a row. It boiled down to the fact that he didn’t want me going, and said that he felt I was putting my job before our relationship, and that I’d been using a variety of excuses to avoid spending any time with him.
I will admit, that was like waving a red-rag to a bull, and I told him exactly what I thought of him. Ok – probably not the best thing I could have done, but it cleared the air between us – even if things are still on the frosty side between us…
Hmm. Not quite the right expression. Frosty is an understatement. Our relationship would make the Antarctic look like the Bahamas at the moment!
The worst part is, since I’ve been back we’ve not spoken. As far as I know, we’re still going to the Grand Prix together, but I will admit to being somewhat apprehensive about going to the West Country with him…
With regards to this other person, until I know what the hell I want to do, we’ve agreed to stay friends, and I’ll avoid rubbing my partner’s nose in the fact that I’m really happy when I’m with this fella.
I mean, we sat chatting on Wednesday night, like we’d known each other all of our lives, and it turned out that we share a similar sense of humour, and a similar outlook on life.
I’ve agreed to meet him on Tuesday night, to go and see a film, and then have dinner with him – as friends. I know that most people reading this will be thinking – yeah right. As if it’ll stop there.
Ok – I admit it is a somewhat underhanded way of dealing with my partner, but if I can get my head in some semblance of order this weekend, I’ll be able to sort things out – I hope.
And what’s the best way for me to do that? Simple. Leave my damned ‘phone at home, and buzz off to the Peak District for a riding weekend with Rachel and the two horses…
Just me, my friend and the horses – I don’t know of a better way to clear my head of an emotional fog – and hopefully have a better idea of what I want to do about this situation…
Suppose I’d better get on with some w*rk, instead of blogging…
Back later if I get chance, otherwise it will be Sunday night before I put the next update on my blog…
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Ok – I’ve learnt a hell of a lot, and hopefully will be able to give the guys in the field the back-up they deserve. But, being away has really caused me problems with my personal life…
It boils down to the fact that I became close to someone whilst I was away, and this person has been making me laugh, and treating me like I was a real princess.
I know that being away from my normal environment may well have slapped the rose-tinted glasses on, but all it has done is make me wonder if I’m doing the right thing.
Simply because after I posted the last entry before I went away, my partner and I had a real hum-dinger of a row. It boiled down to the fact that he didn’t want me going, and said that he felt I was putting my job before our relationship, and that I’d been using a variety of excuses to avoid spending any time with him.
I will admit, that was like waving a red-rag to a bull, and I told him exactly what I thought of him. Ok – probably not the best thing I could have done, but it cleared the air between us – even if things are still on the frosty side between us…
Hmm. Not quite the right expression. Frosty is an understatement. Our relationship would make the Antarctic look like the Bahamas at the moment!
The worst part is, since I’ve been back we’ve not spoken. As far as I know, we’re still going to the Grand Prix together, but I will admit to being somewhat apprehensive about going to the West Country with him…
With regards to this other person, until I know what the hell I want to do, we’ve agreed to stay friends, and I’ll avoid rubbing my partner’s nose in the fact that I’m really happy when I’m with this fella.
I mean, we sat chatting on Wednesday night, like we’d known each other all of our lives, and it turned out that we share a similar sense of humour, and a similar outlook on life.
I’ve agreed to meet him on Tuesday night, to go and see a film, and then have dinner with him – as friends. I know that most people reading this will be thinking – yeah right. As if it’ll stop there.
Ok – I admit it is a somewhat underhanded way of dealing with my partner, but if I can get my head in some semblance of order this weekend, I’ll be able to sort things out – I hope.
And what’s the best way for me to do that? Simple. Leave my damned ‘phone at home, and buzz off to the Peak District for a riding weekend with Rachel and the two horses…
Just me, my friend and the horses – I don’t know of a better way to clear my head of an emotional fog – and hopefully have a better idea of what I want to do about this situation…
Suppose I’d better get on with some w*rk, instead of blogging…
Back later if I get chance, otherwise it will be Sunday night before I put the next update on my blog…
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Talk about shooting youself in the foot...
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And that's just what the F1 circus has managed to do to itself, by running the farce that is the USA Grand Prix. Ok - I agree with the principal that the drivers shouldn't race if there are safety concerns, but surely there could have been some kind of agreement reached that meant the entire field started the race - and not just the Bridgestone runners.
But, all this has done is kill off Formula 1 in America - as no-one is going to risk going to the race next year (if they even hold a race at Indianapolis), thus leaving the American public with CART and Indy-racing.
Don't get me wrong - I enjoy both types of racing, but if it came to a choice of going to watch a CART, Indy or F1 race, I'd choose the F1 race, simply because that's one of my real passions.
Speaking (or rather typing) of which, I've been able to get another ticket for the British GP at Silverstone for my other half, as he said that he'd be interested in going, and had been pestering me to get him a ticket.
It's actually worked out rather well, as the race is the weekend that we come back from our break in the West country, so it means that neither of us will have to go belting out of work on the Friday night, in order to get down to Silverstone with the rest of the gang that I go to the race with...
On a different note, this will be the last blog entry for a few days or so, as I'm going on a training course tomorrow, and won't be back near a computer with an internet connection until Friday night.
Time to call this entry quits - I've got to get the rest of my stuff sorted out for the trip tomorrow.
Back on Friday...
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
But, all this has done is kill off Formula 1 in America - as no-one is going to risk going to the race next year (if they even hold a race at Indianapolis), thus leaving the American public with CART and Indy-racing.
Don't get me wrong - I enjoy both types of racing, but if it came to a choice of going to watch a CART, Indy or F1 race, I'd choose the F1 race, simply because that's one of my real passions.
Speaking (or rather typing) of which, I've been able to get another ticket for the British GP at Silverstone for my other half, as he said that he'd be interested in going, and had been pestering me to get him a ticket.
It's actually worked out rather well, as the race is the weekend that we come back from our break in the West country, so it means that neither of us will have to go belting out of work on the Friday night, in order to get down to Silverstone with the rest of the gang that I go to the race with...
On a different note, this will be the last blog entry for a few days or so, as I'm going on a training course tomorrow, and won't be back near a computer with an internet connection until Friday night.
Time to call this entry quits - I've got to get the rest of my stuff sorted out for the trip tomorrow.
Back on Friday...
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Preparing for the journey...
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Karen
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A strange title for a blog entry, I grant you... But it will become clearer as you read on, I promise!
As part of my job requirements, I've got to travel to complete some training, and I will admit to being somewhat apprehensive about it, especially as I'm going to be the only female on the course.
Thankfully, there will be people I know going, so it shouldn't be that strange for me, even though I'm beginning to wonder if I've bitten off more than I can chew...
Having said that though, I thought the same thing when I was going to do the presentation at the company conference, and I survived that ok - even if my line manger was worried that I'd chicken out!
I've also managed to sort out the problems with my other half. I've agreed to meet his parents when we get back from our break in the West Country.
He wanted me to meet them this weekend - no chance of that, as I've got to get myself ready (i.e. packed) for this training course that I'm going on next week... He's also given up on the idea of me moving in with him. For the time being, anyway!
As well as that, my daft friend has been in contact with me... I left my 'phone at home this morning, and when it's not turned on, any calls I get go to my voicemail. I checked my 'phone this afternoon, only to be greeted with this...
Short stuff! Hello darling, it's only me. What do you mean you can't get to your phone at the moment? You mean you've left it on a high shelf and can't reach it?......
Needless to say, I was somewhat indignant at being called short stuff... Ok - I admit I'm not tall, but I don't need reminding of it every time I speak to this fella!
Mind you, I know it's not meant maliciously, so I get my own back my calling him ratbag... Despite that, he made me laugh, as he was bemoaning the fact that he was at work, and I was able to escape into the sunshine.
He also sent me a text message, telling me to take care out in the sun... I get the impression that he's scared that I'll do something daft, like get burnt to a crisp whilst I'm riding Flame.
Speaking (ok - typing) about Flame, Rachel has very kindly agreed to look after her for the four days that I'm away - I get the impression that she's going to be using the time to re-build her confidence in horses.
By her own admission, she's ok when she's with either myself or her sister, but on her own, she's still scared that something will go wrong. So, as Flame is placid-natured (that's the only reason I let Amber get on her!), it's the best thing that she can do.
Time to call this blog entry quits - I've got to get ready to go and see my other half, as he seems to be determined to spend as much time as he can with me, before I go on my training course.
Back tomorrow, if I've finished the packing!
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
As part of my job requirements, I've got to travel to complete some training, and I will admit to being somewhat apprehensive about it, especially as I'm going to be the only female on the course.
Thankfully, there will be people I know going, so it shouldn't be that strange for me, even though I'm beginning to wonder if I've bitten off more than I can chew...
Having said that though, I thought the same thing when I was going to do the presentation at the company conference, and I survived that ok - even if my line manger was worried that I'd chicken out!
I've also managed to sort out the problems with my other half. I've agreed to meet his parents when we get back from our break in the West Country.
He wanted me to meet them this weekend - no chance of that, as I've got to get myself ready (i.e. packed) for this training course that I'm going on next week... He's also given up on the idea of me moving in with him. For the time being, anyway!
As well as that, my daft friend has been in contact with me... I left my 'phone at home this morning, and when it's not turned on, any calls I get go to my voicemail. I checked my 'phone this afternoon, only to be greeted with this...
Short stuff! Hello darling, it's only me. What do you mean you can't get to your phone at the moment? You mean you've left it on a high shelf and can't reach it?......
Needless to say, I was somewhat indignant at being called short stuff... Ok - I admit I'm not tall, but I don't need reminding of it every time I speak to this fella!
Mind you, I know it's not meant maliciously, so I get my own back my calling him ratbag... Despite that, he made me laugh, as he was bemoaning the fact that he was at work, and I was able to escape into the sunshine.
He also sent me a text message, telling me to take care out in the sun... I get the impression that he's scared that I'll do something daft, like get burnt to a crisp whilst I'm riding Flame.
Speaking (ok - typing) about Flame, Rachel has very kindly agreed to look after her for the four days that I'm away - I get the impression that she's going to be using the time to re-build her confidence in horses.
By her own admission, she's ok when she's with either myself or her sister, but on her own, she's still scared that something will go wrong. So, as Flame is placid-natured (that's the only reason I let Amber get on her!), it's the best thing that she can do.
Time to call this blog entry quits - I've got to get ready to go and see my other half, as he seems to be determined to spend as much time as he can with me, before I go on my training course.
Back tomorrow, if I've finished the packing!
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Things that make me laugh
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Karen
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Well, I've been lucky. I've avoided ruining a friendship, as my friend has been making me laugh with silly jokes that he found..
These are just two of the ones that I got sent today!
The pet shop door it opened
And a little girl walked in
With curly hair, bright sparkling eyes
And a cheeky little grin.
She walked up to the counter
Her tiny hand held high
And opened little fingers
To show her money safe inside
"What would you like, sweetheart?"
The pet shop man he asked,
"A little bunny rabbit, please"
She said in words and gasps.
"Now would you like a white one,
A grey one or a black?
Or you can have a brown one
With cream fur upon its back."
"Or what about a lop-eared one,
A girl one or a boy?
A chinchilla or a dwarf one
To bring you lots of joy?"
She looked at the shop owner,
His help and wisdom he would share,
She drew a great big breath and said:
My pet python doesn't care."
The other joke, I admit has been doing the rounds for years, but it made me laugh....
A woman in labour is told by her midwife that there is a new pill which gives a quarter of the pain to the father. Her husband agrees to help, so she takes one pill.
He claims he can't feel any pain. She asks him to take half the pain. He agrees. She takes another pill.
He still feels no pain he claims, and says all women are wimps. So she asks him to take all the pain. He agrees, so she takes two more pills..
He says he still feels nothing, and the woman gives birth to a healthy baby.
When they go home, they find the postman dead on the doorstep.
Suppose I should think about logging off, and bogging off - it's nearly time for me to escape!
Back tomorrow, if I get the chance.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
These are just two of the ones that I got sent today!
The pet shop door it opened
And a little girl walked in
With curly hair, bright sparkling eyes
And a cheeky little grin.
She walked up to the counter
Her tiny hand held high
And opened little fingers
To show her money safe inside
"What would you like, sweetheart?"
The pet shop man he asked,
"A little bunny rabbit, please"
She said in words and gasps.
"Now would you like a white one,
A grey one or a black?
Or you can have a brown one
With cream fur upon its back."
"Or what about a lop-eared one,
A girl one or a boy?
A chinchilla or a dwarf one
To bring you lots of joy?"
She looked at the shop owner,
His help and wisdom he would share,
She drew a great big breath and said:
My pet python doesn't care."
The other joke, I admit has been doing the rounds for years, but it made me laugh....
A woman in labour is told by her midwife that there is a new pill which gives a quarter of the pain to the father. Her husband agrees to help, so she takes one pill.
He claims he can't feel any pain. She asks him to take half the pain. He agrees. She takes another pill.
He still feels no pain he claims, and says all women are wimps. So she asks him to take all the pain. He agrees, so she takes two more pills..
He says he still feels nothing, and the woman gives birth to a healthy baby.
When they go home, they find the postman dead on the doorstep.
Suppose I should think about logging off, and bogging off - it's nearly time for me to escape!
Back tomorrow, if I get the chance.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Thanking my lucky stars..
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Karen
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Someone somewhere must be looking after me today...
I sent a message to my friend (with whom I rowed with yesterday), asking if he was ok, and got this response...
I'm ok - not soggy coz I'm inside. Just tryin' to be chilled but everyone has the hump this morning.
So I'm going on the offensive and into coiled spring mode, so look out London!
I hope you are ok as you don't seem to be the Kaz I love today. You ain't treading on egg shells you know, so get with the beat and be the Kaz I know you are...
So if you want to beat me up you know where I am, neh neh ne neh neh...
That had the desired effect, and made me laugh, and made me realise just strong our friendship really is - anyone else would have been in a major strop with me.
But the real ice breaker was this little gem that I was sent... I admitted that I was getting fed up with the Tony Christie song - Is this the way to Amarillo as it's not my style of music at all! (I'm of the long hair & black t-shirt fraternity - I'm into things like AC/DC & Black Sabbath!)
1. Start at Birmingham Airport.
2. Catch flight from Birmingham to Newark Liberty Airport.
3. Catch flight from Newark Liberty Airport to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
5. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" - follow for 0.2 miles.
6. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles
7. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" -follow for 2.9 miles
8. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2 miles
9. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
10. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
11. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles
12. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
13. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
14. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8miles
15. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles
16. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for1.7 miles
17. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles
18. Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"
Now that's the way to f*cking Amarillo!!!!!!!!
SO CAN EVERYONE SHUT THE F*** UP NOW??!!!!!
Suppose I'd better think about doing some work before I go on my lunch-break....
Back when I get chance...
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
I sent a message to my friend (with whom I rowed with yesterday), asking if he was ok, and got this response...
I'm ok - not soggy coz I'm inside. Just tryin' to be chilled but everyone has the hump this morning.
So I'm going on the offensive and into coiled spring mode, so look out London!
I hope you are ok as you don't seem to be the Kaz I love today. You ain't treading on egg shells you know, so get with the beat and be the Kaz I know you are...
So if you want to beat me up you know where I am, neh neh ne neh neh...
That had the desired effect, and made me laugh, and made me realise just strong our friendship really is - anyone else would have been in a major strop with me.
But the real ice breaker was this little gem that I was sent... I admitted that I was getting fed up with the Tony Christie song - Is this the way to Amarillo as it's not my style of music at all! (I'm of the long hair & black t-shirt fraternity - I'm into things like AC/DC & Black Sabbath!)
1. Start at Birmingham Airport.
2. Catch flight from Birmingham to Newark Liberty Airport.
3. Catch flight from Newark Liberty Airport to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
5. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" - follow for 0.2 miles.
6. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles
7. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" -follow for 2.9 miles
8. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2 miles
9. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
10. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
11. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles
12. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
13. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
14. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8miles
15. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles
16. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for1.7 miles
17. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles
18. Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"
Now that's the way to f*cking Amarillo!!!!!!!!
SO CAN EVERYONE SHUT THE F*** UP NOW??!!!!!
Suppose I'd better think about doing some work before I go on my lunch-break....
Back when I get chance...
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
If I could turn back time...
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Karen
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I'd take back those words that've hurt you...
Or more to the point, I'd have never sent that damned e-mail, or been dumb enough to call a friend when I was so wound up!
It started out with my friend sending me an e-mail, in which he tried to explain his feelings about this lass that he's been seeing, and made the mistake (as far as I was concerned!) of saying...
This really is a very complex thing and she is too... It's a long story and one I would explain to you but I don't think you would understand where I'm coming from...
To be honest, that was the worst thing that could have been said, as the rest of the e-mail made me feel like I was supposed to be standing in judgement on him - something that I've never done with a friend.
Ok - I admit that I've called my best mate a few names in the past, but given the circumstances, he understood why I was so uptight. So, needless to say, my reply was not exactly the friendly variety...
Let's get one thing straight right now. I'm not standing in judgement on you - and you obviously think I am. That's the last thing that I would ever do with a friend, and I'm surprised and more than a little hurt that you think I would react like that.
At the end of the day, it's your decision - all people like me can do is give you a shoulder to cry on, and a friendly (or not so friendly) ear to bend.
And contrary to what you believe about me - yes I do have an idea about what you're going through. I've been there, and done that and got the emotional scars to prove it...
Just to add to the mix, I was too stubborn / upset to await the reply, and then called my friend, and gave vent to my fustrations - which in hindsight, was probably not the smartest thing that I could have done.
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that've hurt you...
I don't know why I did the things I did
I don't know why I said the things I said
Pride's like a knife it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes
I didn't really mean to hurt you
Ah well. If you're reading this blog, sweetie - I'm sorry, and I know now that I shouldn't haven't jumped to the wrong conclusion. All I can do is hope that this hasn't spoilt or ended our friendship.
Time to call this entry quits - I want to see if I can think of an appropriate way to repair the damage that I've done, by blowing a fuse.
Back when I can get my shattered emotions together.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Or more to the point, I'd have never sent that damned e-mail, or been dumb enough to call a friend when I was so wound up!
It started out with my friend sending me an e-mail, in which he tried to explain his feelings about this lass that he's been seeing, and made the mistake (as far as I was concerned!) of saying...
This really is a very complex thing and she is too... It's a long story and one I would explain to you but I don't think you would understand where I'm coming from...
To be honest, that was the worst thing that could have been said, as the rest of the e-mail made me feel like I was supposed to be standing in judgement on him - something that I've never done with a friend.
Ok - I admit that I've called my best mate a few names in the past, but given the circumstances, he understood why I was so uptight. So, needless to say, my reply was not exactly the friendly variety...
Let's get one thing straight right now. I'm not standing in judgement on you - and you obviously think I am. That's the last thing that I would ever do with a friend, and I'm surprised and more than a little hurt that you think I would react like that.
At the end of the day, it's your decision - all people like me can do is give you a shoulder to cry on, and a friendly (or not so friendly) ear to bend.
And contrary to what you believe about me - yes I do have an idea about what you're going through. I've been there, and done that and got the emotional scars to prove it...
Just to add to the mix, I was too stubborn / upset to await the reply, and then called my friend, and gave vent to my fustrations - which in hindsight, was probably not the smartest thing that I could have done.
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that've hurt you...
I don't know why I did the things I did
I don't know why I said the things I said
Pride's like a knife it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes
I didn't really mean to hurt you
Ah well. If you're reading this blog, sweetie - I'm sorry, and I know now that I shouldn't haven't jumped to the wrong conclusion. All I can do is hope that this hasn't spoilt or ended our friendship.
Time to call this entry quits - I want to see if I can think of an appropriate way to repair the damage that I've done, by blowing a fuse.
Back when I can get my shattered emotions together.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Running scared...
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Karen
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It's well and truly hit the fan this time. What am I talking about? Only the fact that my other half wants me to go up to Yorkshire, and meet his parents.
Ok - under normal circustances, I could cope with that, but I'm somewhat more suspicious... Simply because over the past month or so, he's been on about me moving in with him, and putting our relationship on a more formal footing than it is at the moment.
The trouble is, I know damned well that I enjoy my freedom too much to consider moving in with him. It's not that I don't love him - I do - it's just that the current arrangement suits me fine, as I can do my own thing without having to justify what I'm up to, and where I'm going.
I know for a fact that he doesn't like me getting up at "the crack of sparrow fart" as he so eloquently refers to my alarm call at 04:30 in the summer, and 05:30 in winter, to go and tend to Flame and escape for an early morning ride.
Equally, I know that if I try to tell him that I'm happy with the way things are, he'll start to worry that I'm trying to wriggle out of the relationship, which I'm not.
But having said that, I've been through the hell of having a partner who wanted me to give up my horse, and once gave me an ultimatum - him or the horse. I chose the horse, and it was the best thing that I ever did, as I was able to walk away and find someone who means the world to me.
My trouble is, I need my freedom, and most fellas I've dated have had a hard job accepting that fact, and I've lost count of the number of rows that it's caused between myself the the guy I was seeing. In fact, I can only think of one fella who was comfortable with that idea - and we ended up as best mates!
Time to call this blog entry quits - I want to get some bits and pieces sorted out around the house, and get myself metally prepared for the inevitable fireworks when I tell my other half how I'm feeling....
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Ok - under normal circustances, I could cope with that, but I'm somewhat more suspicious... Simply because over the past month or so, he's been on about me moving in with him, and putting our relationship on a more formal footing than it is at the moment.
The trouble is, I know damned well that I enjoy my freedom too much to consider moving in with him. It's not that I don't love him - I do - it's just that the current arrangement suits me fine, as I can do my own thing without having to justify what I'm up to, and where I'm going.
I know for a fact that he doesn't like me getting up at "the crack of sparrow fart" as he so eloquently refers to my alarm call at 04:30 in the summer, and 05:30 in winter, to go and tend to Flame and escape for an early morning ride.
Equally, I know that if I try to tell him that I'm happy with the way things are, he'll start to worry that I'm trying to wriggle out of the relationship, which I'm not.
But having said that, I've been through the hell of having a partner who wanted me to give up my horse, and once gave me an ultimatum - him or the horse. I chose the horse, and it was the best thing that I ever did, as I was able to walk away and find someone who means the world to me.
My trouble is, I need my freedom, and most fellas I've dated have had a hard job accepting that fact, and I've lost count of the number of rows that it's caused between myself the the guy I was seeing. In fact, I can only think of one fella who was comfortable with that idea - and we ended up as best mates!
Time to call this blog entry quits - I want to get some bits and pieces sorted out around the house, and get myself metally prepared for the inevitable fireworks when I tell my other half how I'm feeling....
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
The finger of blame has turned upon itself...
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Karen
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And for once, I'm not getting kicked. I know this sounds nasty, but it's someone else who's copping it - someone who really doesn't deserve to get the hassle and crap that he's getting at the moment.
What makes me say this? Simple. The poor guy was on the ‘phone to me last night, and could just about stop himself from bursting into tears on the ‘phone.
He’s really torn up over a relationship (I know that feeling all too well!), and isn’t sure what he wants to do. He said that sometimes he feels like walking away, as he doesn’t want the pain and heartache anymore, but then seems to flip to the other extreme, and is determined to stay and fight for the relationship.
At the end of the day, the only person who can make the decision to stay or leave is him. All I can do is offer a friendly (or not so friendly) ear to bend, and a shoulder that he can cry on, when things get too rough, as well as re-assuring him that he's not losing his mind...
The finger of blame has turned upon itself
And I'm more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help
Who knows where that might lead
Ah well, suppose I’d better think about doing some w*rk…
Back later, if I get the chance.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
What makes me say this? Simple. The poor guy was on the ‘phone to me last night, and could just about stop himself from bursting into tears on the ‘phone.
He’s really torn up over a relationship (I know that feeling all too well!), and isn’t sure what he wants to do. He said that sometimes he feels like walking away, as he doesn’t want the pain and heartache anymore, but then seems to flip to the other extreme, and is determined to stay and fight for the relationship.
At the end of the day, the only person who can make the decision to stay or leave is him. All I can do is offer a friendly (or not so friendly) ear to bend, and a shoulder that he can cry on, when things get too rough, as well as re-assuring him that he's not losing his mind...
The finger of blame has turned upon itself
And I'm more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help
Who knows where that might lead
Ah well, suppose I’d better think about doing some w*rk…
Back later, if I get the chance.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
After the fury of past days....
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Karen
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Well, today has been the total opposite of yesterday. I was really uptight,and came very close to telling my line manager that he could find another mug to look after this one account, as I was so fed up with them moving the goalposts all the time.
Thankfully, the fella that I met up with on Sunday was a real angel of mercy, and kept me laughing with silly jokes via e-mail, and talking to me during my lunch break. Without his help, I don't think I would have coped, as I was close to rock bottom - something that I haven't been since Dad died last year.
But one of the things that my friend said via e-mail really touched me:
Hope you are ok but I'm glad to have made you laugh if only a little bit, people don't understand how feelings are and its just a few words at the end of the day, I know that they are showing concern, but don't you just wish they would go away and leave it alone.
You see all those people see, is the mask that you wear you know the front you put on, the brave face so to speak but it's when you're on your own and you feel you can lose it that that's what you want people to see 'coz then they would understand your grief then maybe understand...
To be honest, I think he managed to sum up exactly how I felt, and that made me feel that much better - knowing that there was someone who understood what I was feeling, and knew that I was getting fed up with people niggling at me, and expecting me to bounce back to my normal disposition.
Suppose I'd better think about calling this entry quits - I'm supposed to be working up until 17:00, not blogging!
Back later, if I get the chance.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
Thankfully, the fella that I met up with on Sunday was a real angel of mercy, and kept me laughing with silly jokes via e-mail, and talking to me during my lunch break. Without his help, I don't think I would have coped, as I was close to rock bottom - something that I haven't been since Dad died last year.
But one of the things that my friend said via e-mail really touched me:
Hope you are ok but I'm glad to have made you laugh if only a little bit, people don't understand how feelings are and its just a few words at the end of the day, I know that they are showing concern, but don't you just wish they would go away and leave it alone.
You see all those people see, is the mask that you wear you know the front you put on, the brave face so to speak but it's when you're on your own and you feel you can lose it that that's what you want people to see 'coz then they would understand your grief then maybe understand...
To be honest, I think he managed to sum up exactly how I felt, and that made me feel that much better - knowing that there was someone who understood what I was feeling, and knew that I was getting fed up with people niggling at me, and expecting me to bounce back to my normal disposition.
Suppose I'd better think about calling this entry quits - I'm supposed to be working up until 17:00, not blogging!
Back later, if I get the chance.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
After the rush...
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Karen
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Talk about coming back down to earth with a bump. My landing this morning wasn’t so much of a bump, as the sort of impact that leaves a 20 feet deep crater in the ground.
But, thankfully, my friend was back in contact with me, and even apologised for being too forward with me!
Tying to explain that if I’d felt uneasy with the contact, he’d have known about it, is not really the easiest thing to do via e-mail, but given the fact that we were both at work, and our lunch breaks don’t coincide, it was the best that I could do.
I guess that I must have gotten the wording right, as he said that he’d really enjoyed himself yesterday, and wanted to meet up with me again! To be honest, I was a little bit surprised, and said that the next time we met up; it would be my turn to travel, as it was only fair.
Aside from that bright point, today was the sort of day that I could have cheerfully done without – as nothing appeared to go right, and I seemed to get dragged down into whatever mire I was trying to escape from.
Thankfully, 17:00 came fairly fast as I was busy, and I was only too glad to get out of the office. Normally, I’m willing to stay a little bit after 17:00, and normally don’t leave until about 17:15…
However, this evening, I was out of the office by 17:10 and on the road to my other half’s home (where I’m updating my blog from!)
Time to call this entry quits – I’m getting tired, and I need to get some rest, as I was too wired to sleep last night…
Must have been something to do with the company I was keeping yesterday!
Back tomorrow, if I get chance…
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
But, thankfully, my friend was back in contact with me, and even apologised for being too forward with me!
Tying to explain that if I’d felt uneasy with the contact, he’d have known about it, is not really the easiest thing to do via e-mail, but given the fact that we were both at work, and our lunch breaks don’t coincide, it was the best that I could do.
I guess that I must have gotten the wording right, as he said that he’d really enjoyed himself yesterday, and wanted to meet up with me again! To be honest, I was a little bit surprised, and said that the next time we met up; it would be my turn to travel, as it was only fair.
Aside from that bright point, today was the sort of day that I could have cheerfully done without – as nothing appeared to go right, and I seemed to get dragged down into whatever mire I was trying to escape from.
Thankfully, 17:00 came fairly fast as I was busy, and I was only too glad to get out of the office. Normally, I’m willing to stay a little bit after 17:00, and normally don’t leave until about 17:15…
However, this evening, I was out of the office by 17:10 and on the road to my other half’s home (where I’m updating my blog from!)
Time to call this entry quits – I’m getting tired, and I need to get some rest, as I was too wired to sleep last night…
Must have been something to do with the company I was keeping yesterday!
Back tomorrow, if I get chance…
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
What a rush!
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Karen
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Well, this weekend has been a real blast from start to finish. Yesterday, I spent the day in the Malvern Hills, with my friends Carole & Rachel, and my god-sprog, Amber.
We’d decided to go trekking in the hills, and had taken the three horses and Kipper – Amber’s pony. Carole’s husband, her youngest daughter Elian and my other half elected to stay with the transporter, as the three of them couldn’t ride, and the two fellas wanted to listen to the rugby.
The ride itself was just what I needed – even if I couldn’t do what I really wanted – and that was give Flame her head, and gallop off into the wilderness.
But, I understood the reasons behind it – we have an unwritten agreement that none of us goes out of sight / earshot of the others, in case there’s a problem that requires the others to assist or in the worst case scenario, go for help.
The funniest part of the day was when Amber decided that she’d had enough of riding Kipper, and demanded to be allowed to ride Flame. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have had any problems with that at all.
This time, it was a little different, as I was worried in case something spooked Flame, and she bolted with Amber on her. But, being a typical three-year-old, she gave me no peace until she got her own way, and I lifted her up onto Flame’s back.
Once she was on Flame, I went to take the reins over Flame’s head, so that I could lead her, only for Amber to insist that she was going to hold on to them instead!
Thankfully, I’d had the foresight to take a lead rein with me, which was clipped to my belt. I un-clipped the rein, and attached it to Flame’s bridle, and led Flame along the path, with Kipper trotting alongside me, as I was holding her reins!
All I can say is thank goodness that Kipper didn’t decide to play up; otherwise I’d have been in real trouble! But I guess the mere fact that I kept her well bribed helped...
Now onto today. Today was a matter altogether, as I was meeting a friend of mine in Stratford-upon-Avon, and I don’t mind admitting I was quite apprehensive.
Simply because this was the first time that I’d actually met this fella in person. Ok – I guess I’d better explain what I mean. This person (who shall remain nameless until he says I can name him in my blog) and I have spoken and e-mailed all sorts of silly jokes, shared personal information about ourselves, but never managed to meet face to face.
At first, he seemed to be a little guarded, but thankfully soon began to relax, and make me laugh with his silly jokes / antics. I soon came to the conclusion that he’s as daft as a brush, and has a real heart of gold.
As he wasn’t familiar with Stratford, I decided to do the tourist-guide bit and show him the sights (and avoid the tourist traps!) But there was one place that I knew he’d enjoy visiting – The Garrick Inn. It’s one of the oldest pubs in Stratford, and does some really good real ales – something that we both have a weakness for!
We also went Hog spotting. Ok - I’d better elaborate on that. My friend is a Harley Davidson fanatic. (He has one himself, so that’s the reason he was doing his best to educate me about Hogs…)
We also watched an entertainer by the riverside, and we were only able to catch the end of his act… He’d got three batons – two were unlit, and the third was lit.
He was planning the put the batons down his trousers, and was making jokes that it was usually at that point where he hoped that some beautiful single female would come rushing up to him, begging him not to do it… Not my friend.
He stood behind me, and yelled “Go on Steve – do it!” I don’t mind admitting that I was laughing, as I was thinking the same thing, but just lacked the courage to yell anything.
So, this fella, Steve, went through with the show. Down went the batons – both the unlit batons and the lit one! I was quite impressed, and my friend muttered something about “bloody crazy northerners!”
As the afternoon drew to a close, we started to walk back to my car, as my friend was parked the other end of the town, and I wasn’t unkind enough to make the poor guy walk though an unfamiliar town to find his car.
As we walked, I felt his arm go around my shoulders, and will admit to being a little bit surprised! When I remarked on it, he quickly took his arm from ‘round me, and looked like a puppy dog that had been told off for playing with its favourite chew toy!
I will admit, I hated seeing the look of hurt in his eyes, and made sure that he knew I wasn’t worried about him putting his arm around me – all my instincts were telling me that I could trust him.
So, I decided to return the favour, and slipped my arm around him, and snuggled up to him, making damned sure that he knew that I was comfortable with the contact.
I dropped him off at his car, and as he wasn’t quite sure how to get to the M40 motorway from Stratford, I said that the best thing he could do, would be to follow me, as I was going to be heading towards the M40 myself.
Before he got into his car, he gave me a kiss and a cuddle! I didn’t object in the slightest, and gave him a cuddle of my own before we parted, having made him promise that he would let me know he was home safely.
To be honest, if things were different (i.e. we were both single and lived closer to each other) I would seriously consider asking him out. But, as we’re both attached, and live miles away from each other, I’ll settle for having a damned good friend that I know I can turn to when times get too rough, and I feel like I’m going to break.
Time to call this entry quits – I’ve got bits and pieces to do before I retreat into my pit.
Back tomorrow, if I get chance.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
We’d decided to go trekking in the hills, and had taken the three horses and Kipper – Amber’s pony. Carole’s husband, her youngest daughter Elian and my other half elected to stay with the transporter, as the three of them couldn’t ride, and the two fellas wanted to listen to the rugby.
The ride itself was just what I needed – even if I couldn’t do what I really wanted – and that was give Flame her head, and gallop off into the wilderness.
But, I understood the reasons behind it – we have an unwritten agreement that none of us goes out of sight / earshot of the others, in case there’s a problem that requires the others to assist or in the worst case scenario, go for help.
The funniest part of the day was when Amber decided that she’d had enough of riding Kipper, and demanded to be allowed to ride Flame. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have had any problems with that at all.
This time, it was a little different, as I was worried in case something spooked Flame, and she bolted with Amber on her. But, being a typical three-year-old, she gave me no peace until she got her own way, and I lifted her up onto Flame’s back.
Once she was on Flame, I went to take the reins over Flame’s head, so that I could lead her, only for Amber to insist that she was going to hold on to them instead!
Thankfully, I’d had the foresight to take a lead rein with me, which was clipped to my belt. I un-clipped the rein, and attached it to Flame’s bridle, and led Flame along the path, with Kipper trotting alongside me, as I was holding her reins!
All I can say is thank goodness that Kipper didn’t decide to play up; otherwise I’d have been in real trouble! But I guess the mere fact that I kept her well bribed helped...
Now onto today. Today was a matter altogether, as I was meeting a friend of mine in Stratford-upon-Avon, and I don’t mind admitting I was quite apprehensive.
Simply because this was the first time that I’d actually met this fella in person. Ok – I guess I’d better explain what I mean. This person (who shall remain nameless until he says I can name him in my blog) and I have spoken and e-mailed all sorts of silly jokes, shared personal information about ourselves, but never managed to meet face to face.
At first, he seemed to be a little guarded, but thankfully soon began to relax, and make me laugh with his silly jokes / antics. I soon came to the conclusion that he’s as daft as a brush, and has a real heart of gold.
As he wasn’t familiar with Stratford, I decided to do the tourist-guide bit and show him the sights (and avoid the tourist traps!) But there was one place that I knew he’d enjoy visiting – The Garrick Inn. It’s one of the oldest pubs in Stratford, and does some really good real ales – something that we both have a weakness for!
We also went Hog spotting. Ok - I’d better elaborate on that. My friend is a Harley Davidson fanatic. (He has one himself, so that’s the reason he was doing his best to educate me about Hogs…)
We also watched an entertainer by the riverside, and we were only able to catch the end of his act… He’d got three batons – two were unlit, and the third was lit.
He was planning the put the batons down his trousers, and was making jokes that it was usually at that point where he hoped that some beautiful single female would come rushing up to him, begging him not to do it… Not my friend.
He stood behind me, and yelled “Go on Steve – do it!” I don’t mind admitting that I was laughing, as I was thinking the same thing, but just lacked the courage to yell anything.
So, this fella, Steve, went through with the show. Down went the batons – both the unlit batons and the lit one! I was quite impressed, and my friend muttered something about “bloody crazy northerners!”
As the afternoon drew to a close, we started to walk back to my car, as my friend was parked the other end of the town, and I wasn’t unkind enough to make the poor guy walk though an unfamiliar town to find his car.
As we walked, I felt his arm go around my shoulders, and will admit to being a little bit surprised! When I remarked on it, he quickly took his arm from ‘round me, and looked like a puppy dog that had been told off for playing with its favourite chew toy!
I will admit, I hated seeing the look of hurt in his eyes, and made sure that he knew I wasn’t worried about him putting his arm around me – all my instincts were telling me that I could trust him.
So, I decided to return the favour, and slipped my arm around him, and snuggled up to him, making damned sure that he knew that I was comfortable with the contact.
I dropped him off at his car, and as he wasn’t quite sure how to get to the M40 motorway from Stratford, I said that the best thing he could do, would be to follow me, as I was going to be heading towards the M40 myself.
Before he got into his car, he gave me a kiss and a cuddle! I didn’t object in the slightest, and gave him a cuddle of my own before we parted, having made him promise that he would let me know he was home safely.
To be honest, if things were different (i.e. we were both single and lived closer to each other) I would seriously consider asking him out. But, as we’re both attached, and live miles away from each other, I’ll settle for having a damned good friend that I know I can turn to when times get too rough, and I feel like I’m going to break.
Time to call this entry quits – I’ve got bits and pieces to do before I retreat into my pit.
Back tomorrow, if I get chance.
Karen.
I walk where others fear to tread
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